Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Free

Today is the first day of a cable and DVR free house here at Casa De S. Por que some might ask? (I am thinking I might take Spanish lesions during this time – I obviously have a desire to speak it?!?! – that will be a whole other story!) Back to my story at hand.

Well, there are several reasons we decided to go sans cable in our homestead. First of all – okay a little back story here – I RARELY look at our monthly bills. When Eric and I got married we decided only one of us could have our hands in the bills because we do things completely different. I like to have money in the checking account and can ignore that there is credit card debit – as long as I have money in the checking account, I felt good. Eric on the other hand, pays all the debit off monthly and doesn’t concern himself with how much is left over in checking. So, knowing his approach is the best approach for the long run, I gave it all up to him. This was really best for all involved because honestly, I HATE doing bills but in return I never really pay attention to how much I spend.

Hey, I don’t see it going out of checking so in my mind it didn’t matter. OH, but it does matter. Once these damn medical bills starting coming in, I started questioning our “budget” – now, I use that word very loosely. We don’t adhere to any kind of budget we just like to think we do! So, looking at all these bills I started to realize my weekly office visit co-pays and our max out of pocket were really going to add up and we needed to figure out a way to cut back.

There are some things you just can’t save on – or I haven’t figured out how to yet. The grocery bill – Marci swears I can do it if I just look on line and see what stores have what deals for the week – I haven’t tried that yet! I need to get myself organized (oh, that is a whole other mess!) and then I will. Marci will have to walk me through it, but she is used to that! I can’t take Ian out of daycare while I am home because I don’t have the energy to play with him all day like he needs.

But there are many things we could cut back on, so we did it. We started with cable – we will be saving $70 a month. Yes people, SEVENTY BUCKS a month. That is $840 a year we will be saving and no telling how much time we will save not sitting in front of the boob tube.

Other ways I am saving the family money – well, I won’t need to get my hair cut every 6 -8 weeks – hey, that adds up over a year also. I have no need to get pedicures every 4 – 5 weeks because my toe nails will stop growing. I will get one more though and it should last until our cruise (which I will have to get a new one before that! – Sara, only 107 more days!) I am saving a ton in gas. I don’t drive downtown daily and when I do drive, I am very conscious of my driving, meaning I have (well, Eric also) have gotten the gas mileage in the Escape up to 25.5 mpg – hey, I am very proud of that! So I figure while I have my weekly co-pays, I will find a way to save that much money and hopefully more. I am learning it is easier than I thought it would be because spending money doesn’t make me happy nor does acquiring more stuff. Actually finding ways to save money is much more exciting than buying something new!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Ode to Bill

Dear Bill, we are not what I would call friends
So that means this relationship must come to an end

Your being inside of me really doesn’t bother me, you see
It is your small mind of you thinking you will get the best of me

I have never thought I could actually kill someone before
But I will choke the life out of you in 13 more weeks and no more

You will curl up and die
And I will smile and not cry

Say la vie Bill
Say la vie

Monday, October 27, 2008

Butterfly

I really didn’t have them any in my tummy before the big hair shaving escapade or during. At 4:00 yesterday afternoon I was tired of my hair hurting and my head itching that I was very ready to have Eric shave it off. The actual process of having it shaved felt odd being as I have never had my head shaved before- the buzz of the razor on my head was definitely a first. Then watching the clumps of hair fall was a little hard but not in the fact that I was thinking, oh my goodness, my hair is gone but I was thinking, wow, I still had a ton of hair.

Eric did a few swipes and styled it in a semi Mohawk and then just took it all off. It took me a minute to look at myself after it was all off but the encouraging words I was receiving made it much easier. Eric brought me out a mirror and I looked and I must say, I was pleasantly surprised. I have had many hair styles and/or colors in the past that after I would first get them done, every time I would walk by a mirror I would have to do a double take to make sure that was still me. I was expecting this to be the same but for some reason, it isn’t. This feels natural – no, I am not going to go around with my head shaved from now on. But while I was looking at my hair and taking everything in, a butterfly appeared. I am not sure who all saw it, but Eric and I saw it at the same time. I am sure it was there to let us both know that things are going to be okay. I am in my cocoon struggling to get out at the moment but it won’t be long until I am ready to fly and spread beauty throughout the world.
I had a whole slew of old and new friends alike there with me and for that, I am greatful! It was great to share this with them. The only thing I see out of this daily, is really and truly how blessed I am.

During the actual head shaving process, Jessica had a brilliant idea – I am going to go get artistic pictures made with my head bald. I want to remember this time in my life with a fond outlook of beauty and grace and what better way of doing that than with pictures. If anyone out there knows any good photographer in the Austin area, please let me know.








Thursday, October 23, 2008

Hurting hair??

I am sure a lot of you out there will understand this – maybe? My hair hurts – like when you wear it in a tight pony tail or wear a hat all day and then it hurts at the roots when you move it around – that is how it feels right now. I know my sister knows what I am talking about because when I was little and my mom worked so hard to put my hair in the perfect pigtails with these huge bows! Anyway, when I would take them out at night, my sister would rub my hair for me because it hurt and I loved it.

Other than that, I am having a much, much better day today. I slept great last night and woke up tummy ache free! I am still pretty worn down from yesterday and chemo on Monday, but I have been able to get some breakfast down this morning so I think I am back on the upswing!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Bad Day

So, today has hands down been the worst day yet. My tummy is giving me problems and my hair is really starting to fall out. And when crying in the shower, my cath in my chest started hurting – why, I have no idea.

In order to keep semi control of this situation, I am going to do it – shave my head this coming Sunday. If you want to come, please come help me celebrate the freedom from clumps of hair falling out. We will do it at my house, from 4 – 5:30 or 6 (depending on how much energy I have). Please bring a snack/appetizer to share with all.

First time for everything

I am sitting here writing while 3 ladies are in my house cleaning for us. First of all, I have never had someone come clean my house – why would I? I have time to clean, maybe not up to some people’s standards, but our house is clean enough considering we have a 14 month old running around here.

Does anyone realize how hard it is to sit here while they work? Well if you don’t, let me tell you, this is one of the hardest things I have done thus far. I feel like such a slug not helping them clean and get this, they are doing it free of charge. My good friend Angela found this website, cleaning for a reason, right when I was diagnosed. I called last week and they are here this week – cleaning our house. So, thank you Angela for finding this and sending it my way.

And for anyone out there who knows of anyone else going through chemo, or if you ever have to yourself, remember this website – www.cleaningforareason.org or ask me. This is going to be so helpful in the long run for me not to have to worry about cleaning and without worrying about it; I more than likely won’t feel guilty for not doing it. Well, I feel guilty right at this moment while they are here, but I am sure this too will pass.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

So it begins…

I think, well I am pretty sure I am about to start losing my hair. I was just giving Ian kisses and he pulled a wad of hair out. It still hurt, but none the less, two huge handfuls came out. And instead of me watching it fall it out a little everyday, I am just going to shave it off. Now, I am not going to shave it bald, but I am going to shave it as close to bald as I can.

If it continues to come out this easily for the rest of the week, I think I am going to have my hair shaving party this Sunday. If not this Sunday, I am assuming next Sunday will be a must. I will let you all know which Sunday as this week goes on.

I would like to invite anyone who would like to come over to come on over. Maybe we can do it around 4:00 and have some appetizers and drinks to go along – well, I can’t drink but y’all can feel free to. And I hate to ask this, but if you plan on coming, can you bring an appetizer dish to share with others. If you want to come, just email me and I will set everything up!

I have felt good today though. I have been tired and have had the “chemo glow” which is from the steroids. I haven’t really felt like eating much but have managed to get down enough to hold me over and not cause queasiness.

And I am hoping the sleeping pill will help tonight also. Sleeping does wonders for how I feel the following day. Sleep tight all and sweet dreams to me and to all.

8?!?!!?

So, this isn’t the way I hoped to achieve this but hey, I can’t say I am upset by it! I decided to try on my favorite pair of old navy jeans on Saturday – an 8 Long and well, they fit very nicely. I haven’t been a size 8 since Eric and I started dating over 5 years ago. After we started dating it was all too easy to give up running 4 miles 4 or 5 times a week, go out to eat and drink way too much.

I never weighed myself back when I running all the time so I never really knew how much I weighed when I was a size 8. All I knew was how much I weighed when I was pregnant and let me tell you, gaining 40 pounds and seeing the scale go up sure wasn’t an easy thing.

But with this, I have come to appreciate my body just the way it is. I still have what I like to call “baby belly” and I have lost a lot of muscle tone being as I can’t workout like I am used to but I can look at myself and love me for me just the way I am – a size 8 or 10 and baby belly and all.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Chemo Chronicle #2

As I sit here with my chemo being dripped into me, I don’t feel any different than I felt a little over a month ago before I knew any of this was going on inside of me. I still feel happy and alive with an inner peace knowing I am going to okay after this – hell, I am going to be better! I am by far the youngest person in the chemo room – yes, even younger than Eric who is sitting right here beside me. There seems to be much more commotion in here today than last time, but I might not remember all the details of last time being as I was so apprehensive of what was going to happen and when.

There is one man in here alone which makes me sad for him but he seems to be doing okay. Another man just walked in with his wife and he looks scared and a little pissed off. There is a lady to my left who literally has purple hair – I am not sure if she died it that color in the anticipation of it falling out soon or what? She has lots of visitors here with her, so I am guessing she is a first timer. There is a sweet old couple across from me who were here last time. The husband is getting the chemo and the wife sits there with him holding his hand. That is only my row; there are two other rows of people which seem just as busy. That tells me one thing; there are way too many people with cancer in this world.

Yowzers, my nose just got that “breathing cold air feeling” all the sudden. Honestly, I forgot all about that and it just took me by complete surprise.

I have been warned that I will more than likely be even more tired and with less of an appetite than last time, but if that is the worst of it, I can/will take that. My blood counts all look good still and the best news of all, my dr. says the tumor feels smaller to her (which is what I thought also) and feels not as dense – all great news and we know the chemo is working. And, I didn’t lose any more weight since last week, so everyone was happy with that. If I haven’t said this before, I am sure I will say it again – I love my doctor. When I told her about me having problems sleeping, she gave me a prescription for ambien. I told her I had heard of people getting “hooked” and did she see any truth in that. Her response was, well those people usually chase the pills with whiskey and go looking for hookers at the capital. If you can stay away for the last two, I think we are good. I LOVE HER – that is so something I would say to someone!

KILL BILL
While out on our sushi date last night, Eric and I decided to name this tumor. After thinking about it for a minute, Eric came up with Bill so when we refer to it, we can say KILL BILL!! So, when you see me write about Bill, know that it is the tumor I am referring to and I am not cheating on my husband like I cheated on Crystal – which I have total cheaters remorse about. My hair has not started falling out but is doing this weird puffing thing on top because it wasn’t cut right. OH WELL!

All in all, if my weird puffing hair is all I can think of that is the least bit wrong in my life right now, I know I am on the right path both mentally and physically. In a little over an hour, I will be 25% done with my chemo treatments!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Heart-felt

Is all I can say about the card making experience this afternoon. Today was the day Meg arranged for everyone to come and take part in the card making event for “cards for a cause” – the fund raiser she made happen on our behalf.

It was so fun to see everyone there enjoying themselves making cards for the over 100 card packets that were sold – that is over 1,000 cards that needed to be made.

I think 700 cards or so were actually made this afternoon and they were working hard when Ingrid, my mother-in-law, and I left around 4:00. I hated to leave but I was getting tired and needed to call it a day in order to have any energy left for the evening at home.

I can’t say enough how much this whole experience meant to me and will mean to us when I don’t feel like cooking – just knowing we will have dinner together and I won’t have to be responsible for cooking it will be one of the biggest stress relievers yet.

So for everyone who helped with this in anyway, thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is so amazing to see how many people I do and don’t know who bought cards to help support us. I feel truly loved and even more blessed.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Me doing Pilates AND Tai Chi

Would be unheard of a month ago and ever more so a year ago (well, before I was pregnant). I have always envied those who are able to do Pilates, yoga or tai chi and enjoy it and receive the mind/body benefits of these various exercises. But I was never one of those people for one reason and one reason alone – the stupid rate heart monitor I bought about 5 years ago and the need to see a super high calorie burn displayed after a 45 minute workout.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it isn’t like I really ever got back into shape after Ian – I couldn’t find the time and when I did, I would push too hard and usually hurt myself sidelining me for another week or so. But, there was a time that I could truly call myself a runner and I loved every sweaty, heart pumping minute of it. I also allowed myself to do yoga, but it wasn’t relaxing yoga it was ashtanga yoga (think of doing a series of movements and holding those movements until every muscle in you body is shaking) or bikram yoga (think a room over 100 degrees and sweating more than you ever knew you could sweat) – WOW, I really loved these but I never left either of these classes feeling more connect with my mind and body. I loved to sweat and in my mind, the more sweat, the more calories burned.

Well, to say the least, I don’t have the energy to do these types of exercises right now but I have found the beauty and peace of slowing down my exercise routine. Over the past week, I have been doing either Pilates or tai chi in the mornings and oh my goodness, I am LOVING it! Now, it isn’t the same kind of love I had/have (I don’t know if I still have that love) for a 45 minute workout that left me so sweaty I had to sit on a towel to drive home. It is a peaceful, taking care of my body love that when I get done I feel the energy in body verses needing to sit and recover for 10 minutes before moving on.

I think with me enjoying these new exercises, this is my first true lesson and understanding how to slow down. Eric and I were talking the other night and really, we need both need to learn slow down for ourselves and our family. It seems like we are always on the go, always looking to our calendars weeks in advance making plans here and there and with all these plans already made, it is hard to stay in the moment and soak up every little detail and enjoy the hell out it. Instead, we are looking at our watches and thinking about what we need to do next in order to make it to the following planed event.

It is hard to realize that I can’t do everything but when I think about it, I really don’t want to do everything. There are going to be events over the next few months that I or we miss and I am going to be okay with it.

I am not real sure how this started out talking about exercise and ended up talking about our calendar – but it did and instead of editing it to make complete since, I am leaving it how it is and reminding myself along the way, I am not perfect nor do I want to be!

So tired....

But I can't sleep. It is almost 2:00 in the morning, I am exhuasted but I can NOT fall asleep. I have never in my life had problems sleeping and this is a hard one to deal with. I now see why insomnacs go a little crazy after awhile.

I was hoping not to have to take my medicine that makes me sleepy, but after falling asleep at 10 and waking up at 12:30 to rock Ian back to sleep and still awake now, I caved and took it. Now, I am just waiting for it to hit me.

I hope everyone is having sweet dreams tonight while I write this.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A fine line...

I have between feeling great and doing too much and being exhausted. I felt fantastic this morning and went over to Amanda’s to help her do a few things – oh and to hold babies! She left to get us lunch and when she got home, she asked me if I was spoiling her babies? And yeap, I was! For those who don’t know, my friend Amanda had twins a little over 6 weeks ago and they are so sweet. It is amazing to me how small they are still – a little over 7 pounds, which they have grown a ton and are doing great, but I never knew Ian that small. He was 9 pounds when he was born, so it felt like I was holding a baby doll.

I got home around 3:00 and have since totally crashed. It is so aggregating to me to feel so good but not be able to do what I normally do. I KNOW I am going through treatment, but I don’t feel “sick” so it is really hard for me to wrap my head around me being this tired. And there are so many things I enjoy doing and want to do a little of everyday, but I literally can’t or I will crash and burn.

So, here I am, like a zombie robot, my body hurts from being tired and me trying not to beat myself up for being tired when my boys get home, for me not unloading the dishwasher, and trying to understand this line I will inevitably cross again during this whole treatment because I am stubborn and I don’t learn things the first time around or I think I can do the same thing and somehow change the outcome. I need to understand the outcome will be the same if I push too hard.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Sad with regret

Today while I was sitting at the oncologist waiting to be called back from my blood work I glanced over and observed a young women breast feeding her daughter in the waiting area. It was so sweet and it made me so sad with regret. Breast feeding didn’t go as I had planned with Ian, it was hard and I gave up easily. I was able to give him breast milk for 4 months but it took a lot of work and was a daily challenge for me. And at the time it was easier for me to pump and let Eric help with the night feedings. I had always said, with number two, I will try harder and not give up as easily.

But it hit me today, what if I don’t get a second chance to make right all these ideas I have in my mind I said I would with number two? It saddened me to the core thinking about this. But, that is a reminder for me today, tomorrow and all the days after, never say, I will do “it” next time – I have to do it this time because I might not have a next time.

The good, the bad and the ugly

Of the weekend. We had a great weekend but I had a little tummy trouble on Saturday. Now, for the record, this is more than likely going to be TMI, but I want to remember what I went through when I didn’t do what my Dr. told me and therefore not go against what my Dr. ever tells me again. And when I started this, I told myself I was going to be brutally honest and sometimes, honest ain’t pretty!

Friday evening after my boys got home, we all ate dinner together – well, I didn’t eat too much because my tummy was starting to get upset and then we went to the park and I was in bed around 8:30. Ian slept late until 8:00 which was great for Eric. Eric has been awesome through this, he has been getting up with Bug once a night to give him Motrin to help ease the teething pains – poor little guy. But the top teeth are almost through and the bottom are starting. It won’t be long until they are all done.

Saturday morning I think I pushed myself a little too hard to act like nothing was different so by the time Ian was napping, I needed a nap myself, however, I couldn’t sleep due to my tummy. I was warned that no matter what, I had to take action if I wasn’t going the restroom daily but I thought I could beat the rules and eat right and not have to turn to medicine – I WAS WRONG. I felt horrible. I started getting that pukey feeling and really, really didn’t want to throw up. Eric called my Dr. to see what I needed to do. He called for two reasons – I was being stubborn and was still thinking I was fine and could handle this on my own and two, I felt like such shit, that I didn’t even want to talk. So a phone call and trip to Walgreen’s, Eric and Ian returned home with this thick clear liquid that I was supposed to drink. Dear God, don’t let me throw up is all I could think. Now, as this point, even drinking water was hard and this stuff was nasty and I don’t do well with nasty thick drinks even when I feel fine. I got through it – barely. Well, an hour later (which was how long I needed wait) I had to drink the other half – oh my, here we go again. Eric had put it in the refrigerator, so it wasn’t AS bad this time. My goodness, I never, never, never want to have to drink that nastiness again or feel that way. I am now following strict Dr. orders and will take any about of preventive medicine that I have to in order to not feel that way again.

Sunday, I was back to normal. We went to church and then to eat after church where I ate like I hadn’t eaten in a long time and it was great. We went to lunch with Amy and her family and had a fabulous time. After lunch, both Ian and I took naps, got up played, ran a few errands, played some more and it was bath time for Ian and not long after, bed time for me.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Pregnant??

No I am not but man I feel like it. This is the best way I can describe how I feel and most women who have been preggers will relate – I am bout 50% more tired than I was my first trimester of pregnancy and it isn’t just at night. We all know how we would pass out around 8:00 in the evening and sleep all night long – well, until we had to get up to use the restroom. I have been trying to take a nap or two during the day to keep my energy up for when Eric and Ian get home and so far, so good!
And food – that is another issue. Just like my first trimester, the only things that sound good is junk food – think Sonic tater tots, chilly dogs, etc. Now, most of y’all know I don’t eat that crap but really, it sounds so good. I was told earlier this week to eat whatever I can, but I just don’t feel eating that junk will benefit me in anyway. So, I am here sipping on a fruit smoothie telling myself it is so much better for me than a greasy bag of tater tots! My beloved salad doesn’t even sound good anymore. I know this will all change during this course of this process, but it is hard to want to eat healthy but the thought of that food makes your stomach turn. OH WELL – I will survive.

21 Day Challenge…
I only had to switch my bracelet once yesterday and that was because I made a snide remark to Eric about what socks he had on with his shorts – I mean, come on, I couldn’t help myself. But I tell you what, I think the hardest part of me doing the 21 day challenge won’t be my complaining but will be my smart ass comments – which I do find funny sometimes but I know they are rude. This will be a whole other challenge in itself.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

21 Days…To a complaint free world

“Your thoughts create your world and your words indicate your thoughts. When you eliminate complaining from your life you will enjoy happier relationships, better health and greater prosperity.”

How you ever noticed how easy it is to join in with others who are complaining or gossiping and then when you walk away, you feel a little dirty about even taking part in that? I have – especially the gossip part. I don’t like talking about others but it is so hard to be the bigger person sometimes. And I am looking at this time with myself to find in myself the courage and strength to not take part in these acts. I know who I am and I know I am someone who looks on the bright side of the situation and stays positive – now; I have to stay true to myself and show the world this also.

Here is how it works. You wear a purple bracelet on your wrist and if you complain, gossip, judge or criticize others, you must switch the bracelet to the other hand. Your goal, kept the bracelet on the same hand for 21 days straight. Even if you are on day 20 and you complain, gossip, judge or criticize you must switch the bracelet and start over again.

I figure if I can get through this time in my life without complaining, I can get through ANYTIME in my life without complaining and knowing how truly blessed I am and that I honestly have noting to complain about will do wonders for me spiritually and personally. I want to show Ian this path in life also, so I must walk the walk and talk the talk – or not talk!

If you would like to join me on this venture, please do so. Here is a website to describe it a little better. http://www.acomplaintfreeworld.org/howitworks.html

Also, if you would like me to pick you up a bracelet from my church, please let me know and I will get you one.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Bad JuJu

At 301 Congress. I heard some awful news today, Mary, my manager, her dad passed away this morning. He had a stomach aneurysm in March and really never fully recovered. My heart goes out to her and her family in their time of need.

Another one of my co-workers’ family members is in the hospital also – I don’t feel right about going into details about who and what concerning this situation because the person I speak of is a private person.

About a month ago, my friend and co-worker Cindy lost a precious family member also.

I mean, give me a f-ing break here. How can so many bad things happen to so many good people in such a short time span? Hell, it doesn’t even matter that it is short time span, this is a lot of bad crap to deal with.

I know everyone I am speaking of is strong and they will all find a way to work through their own tragedy, just as I am finding my way with mine.

Please, keep these people in your prayers as well and whatever you do, don’t drink the water from there.

Waiting for the train

To hit me and I feel so weird about it. I still have it in my head that I am not going to be as affected by all this as some people are, but come on, I do realize I am going to have some side effects, but when are they going to come? I am still really tired but I think a lot of that is due to me not sleeping well at night – the steroids I have to take make me hyper and then the anti-nausea medicine I had is supposed to make me sleep, but it didn’t work last night. They told me I can take Tylenol PM as well, so I am going to get some of that today and hopefully sleep tonight.

I am going to get hypnotized today which I am super excited about. As most of you know, I was hypnotized 4 years ago to stop smoking and I haven’t smoked a day since that appointment, so in these sessions I am hoping to achieve a few items – not feel guilty about tired and not being able to do as much as I want to, not get depressed through any of this, no nausea, bone pain, no metallic taste in my mouth or month sores – yes, I am aiming high with my wants out of hypnosis, but why the hell not? It made me stop smoking so it can help me with this stuff as well.

Hopefully this evening will be like yesterday – I slept from 2:30 – 4:45 and then Eric and Ian got home and I felt great! We all ate dinner together (spinach lasagna from Amy – oh my, Ian loves that stuff) and then went to the park to play. I didn’t do as much chasing as I normally do, but just being outside with them made me feel great!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Loopy Lo

I ended up having to take my back-up medicine yesterday around 3:00 because I was feeling a tad bit queasy – and they said as soon as I feel it, take it, so I did. Well, for those of you who know how Benedrill (spelling - not even spell check with correct it!) effects me, think of that times 3. I pretty much slept on and off from 3:30 – 5:00 until Eric and Ian got home. I went and laid in bed around 6:30 because my stomach was just blah. I spelt from 6:30 to 8:00, got up had some yummy bread that Amy brought over and chicken broth. Now to most that sounds horrible, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE chicken broth – kind of odd, I know! Then back to bed around 9:30 – 5:30 when Ian woke up (hey, it is better than 3:30 for an hour or two) and I felt fine, so I got up and rocked him. He wanted to get up, so I let him walk around, where he promptly walked to the kitchen and wanted a bottle – this has got to stop. BUT, he won’t take Motrin, which he needed, without it being in a bottle – spoiled?? NO, not all!! Eric feed him the bottle and he passed back out until 7:15.

After breakfast with my boys, they took off and I have been doing some email and trying to take it easy – UGH, this is going to be the hardest part of this jazz – taking it easy is hard. I am reading a Eat, Pray, Love and author is talking about us as Americans have such a hard time RELAXING doing nothing – so true, so true.

I have to go get a shot of Neulasta today at 1:15. I will have to get this shot the day after every chemo infusion to boost my white blood cell count. It may or may not cause bone pain – here’s hoping for NOT!

I will call everyone back sometime this week – hopefully today but if not some time soon.
xoxo

Monday, October 6, 2008

Chemo Chronicle – Day 1

I was actually able to sleep last night which really surprised me because usually when I am anxious, I don’t sleep well – that wasn’t the case. And I actually dreamt that it was 8:15 and my mom was still blow drying her hair and I was so upset that she was going to make me late for my first day of chemo. Needless to say, that was not the case and we were right at 8:20.

I didn’t put my numbing cream on soon enough so I did feel Derek, my fabulous male nurse, stick me in chest with a needle – which was crazy to even think about. But he was able to draw blood through the port also, so no need to get any additional sticks today.

I was back in the “chemo room” around 9:30 and got hooked up to saline and then major anti-nauseous medicine and steroids. Those ran through and then I received my first bag of chemo at 10:10. This was the C of the A/C – I have the specific names if you need/want to know but they are in my bag and I am on the couch and there is no way I can spell them without looking at the paper! While receiving this medicine it was kind of crazy – my sinuses started hurting – like when you breathe in cold dry air and my nose was itching. Other than that, I was cold the whole time because the medicine they were pumping into me was room temperature; therefore, made me cold. Luckily, I knew this ahead of time and bought a new big, fuzzy blanket. The C was pumped in for an hour and then the A had to be manually pushed in for 15 minutes. They call the A, the red devil because it is red and can cause some nasty side effects.

I had several neighbors with me while I was laying there. A cute old man across from me with his wife – he was a feisty little thing. A lady down the row (we called her the lady in white) and I wasn’t sure what she was in there for. She had all her hair still but she looked very sad and nervous. There was a lady behind me who was pulling out a five course meal to eat for lunch – hey, a girl has to eat and a little bit chemo sure won’t stop her. I hope for the best for all my neighbors.

It was odd though, when I got up to leave, I asked Derek, so am I supposed to feel bad now or what?! I mean, I just got chemo and I am leaving there feeling fine. He told me to wait about 24 hours and I should start experiencing my fun! 1 down and only 7 to go.

He did say that I will more than likely lose my hair in 12 to 20 days, so I might want to have a hair shaving party! I will let y’all know when that happens. I am prepared to lose my hair – Marci has put two super cute hats in the mail and mom and I ordered some head scarves last night.

Then Eric and I came home, called a few people and decided to go get some pho for lunch. It was a blan noodle bowl with some grill pork. Hey, when I told him I bought chicken broth Derek told me I didn’t have to starve myself and I do need to eat protein to help my body repair.

So, here I am – just waiting for something to happen. Not really, I am watching some good trashy TV and about to go finish some cards I started this weekend. Hey, what else would I do in a time like this – make something crafty!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

The Day before it all beginnings…a happy jumbled mess.

Today was a fabulous but emotional day – yes, I broke my rule about mascara – I wore it but I cried.

How it began
With Ian waking up at 3:30 a.m. with hurting gums because he is cutting not only his top set of one-year molars but his bottom set also. He was up and down from 3:30 to 5:30. I had originally told Eric I would get bug all night being as he was beat from his day at the lake but after an hour of up and down, he stepped in to help. And hey, I said I need to learn to expect help so I stated turning that leaf at 4:30 this morning.
Ian decided at promptly 7:00 it was time to wake, so I got up with him and feed him breakfast because he was STARVING being as he hadn’t eaten in a few hours! After some serious silly time we had to get ready for church.

The First Run
During church this morning something crazy happened – I cried like a baby. I am still not sure what stirred inside of me to make me cry like I did, but I just felt so moved there and so connected to my spirit and God, I was brought to tears. This was a very humbling experience for me to show my emotions so openly to a room full of strangers. Those emotions are usually reserved for my family and my close friends. Very few people in my life have ever seen my cry before and I realized today that was because I never wanted to make myself vulnerable to anyone. It was actually a very liberating experience to cry without inhabitations and not care what anyone thought about it.

The Phone Call
That made me laugh so hard I almost cried – Patty Cakes (aka, my brother in law, Sara’s husband) called to tell me TYSON TUTON was calling to wish me luck tomorrow. Now, very few of you will understand how flipping funny this was. A tiny bit of back story here – I told Sara and Pat during a marshmallow roast over the 4th of July about an incident from my past – when I might or might not have hit my boyfriend at the time (Tyson) with my car. Now, Pat thought his name was the funniest part of the whole story and instantly developed a voice for him – it made me laugh that night and it made me laugh even more this morning.

I Cheated
On Crystal, my hair girl as I call her but she is more than that, she is my friend, but d*mn she costs a lot. I decided I needed to get my hair cut before all this start for two reasons – one was my hair was long for me. It had been 8 weeks since my last hair cut and it was flipping out all over the place. So, I figured it will be easier for me when my hair does fall out if the pieces falling out are short verses long luscious locks. :-P
Secondly, I think/hope Ian will have any easier time with me losing my hair if he is used to shorter hair for a few weeks. I have also started wearing a hat more around the house so he can be used to me in a hat and that won’t be shock to me.
So, back to why I cheated on Crystal- because I wasn’t going to pay how much I normally pay to get my hair cut for it to fall out in two or so weeks. I did something I have never done before – I went to JC Penny for a hair cut. Now, not that I think ANYTHING is wrong with that, I just trust Crystal so much with my hair that going somewhere else never entered my mind. But lo and behold, it looks adorable.

Back Again
After I got home with my new do, the three of us packed it up again to head back to JC Penny for Ian’s one – year pictures – yes a month in half late. He was a mess, he was running around laughing like a mad man but any time he needed to stay on the red spot for the pictures, he was having none of that. So out of the 7 shots she was able to take, we got 5 super cute one – not a bad average.

Second Run
Now, I had talked to everyone in my family, Eric’s family and a few friends with no tears all day. Then mom and I had a scheduled a “meeting” at 8:00 for her to show me how to do something and for me to help her register for the Koman walk and for us to look at some head scarves I found. After talking for 45 minutes I knew it was time for me to tell her good nigh and that is when I lost it. There is something about talking to my mom that makes me melt down like Ian does.

One more time
For the cheese and bubbly for Eric and myself. It was great to sit and talk about what we are both thinking and feeling about the upcoming weeks, our plans for bad days – if there are any (fingers crossed) and just where we are at in our spiritual lives, in our family and with each other. I think we feel in love again tonight.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Bubbly and cheese

With me giving up dairy (which I have done great on by the way!), I decided I wanted to feast this weekend before everything starts and really have one more “normal” weekend. Friday evening was wonderful. We hung out as a family, laughed at Ian rolling around on the floor thinking his life was ending several time throughout the night because he didn’t get something or other that he just had to have. We put him to bed and popped a bottle of bubbly. Oh, I love me some champagne! We dined on crackers and cheese for dinner – oh dairy is such a wonderful thing that is now out of my diet forever.

Back up to why I am feasting this weekend - Eric has read a lot of information on line about
triple negatives (me) and how most of them really respond to diet and exercise. Now when I say diet, oh it is a doozy but by goodness, I am going to do. I will have to figure out how in the hell to get only 10% of my daily calories from fat – say la ve to my favorite natural peanut butter – dear sweet peanut butter: you have way too fat for me to eat and will no longer be welcomed in my house.

I have decided though that through chemo, I am not going to say I am going to eat one way or another. They told me that I will need to eat frequent, blah small meals throughout the day – so pretty much how I ate when I was pregnant – well, not my first trimester – I ate way too much Sonic those first 12 weeks – it was Ian wanting it – not me and he still likes to eat!

Saturday was an awesome day. Eric went out to lake with his buddies and Ian and me were left to our devices. After her feel asleep in his highchair at lunch (will post that picture tomorrow), Liz came over and man alive, the two of us are unstoppable when it comes to making cards. We knocked out 40 cards in the two hours Ian was passed out and laughed our asses off – it was so nice to have her sense of humor to lean on during the day. After Ian woke up, we headed out to the “hairy man festival” to see Meg and to see what was out there for Ian. We rode the train and he was excited to be feed a little bit of a grape snow cone – oh he loved it. After coming home, we played in the living room and I loved and kissed on him much more than normal – and let me tell you, normal is a lot. And surprisingly enough, he actually let me. We rolled around on the floor on his big dog talking (well, I was talking) and just hanging out. Today will be my perfect day I look to when/if I have a bad day during chemo that will get me through the tough times. I will look forward to having another today soon.

Okay….bye?!???

Leaving work on Friday was so weird and surreal. Knowing that I would not be returning to work for at least 16 weeks and trying to get everything either taken care of or passed to someone else, made all this so real. It wasn’t like when I was preparing to leave for maternity leave, which was such a happy time – even though I had to leave a few weeks sooner than I originally planned. This time when I left, I had to say good bye to so many whom I care about, tell others what was going on and why I would be gone and really fight back the tears (although, some got away).

Work for me has always been such a safe place. I know what to expect there – although, some days are far from normal but I know my job so well and those I work with, I can walk through my days with confidence knowing I KNOW what is going on. Leaving that safe place made me feel – so unsafe and so unconfident in what is about to happen in my life.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

26 days later

I have gone from thinking my body was a well oiled functioning machine to finding out I have obnoxious cells that think they can think and act on their own – OH NO YOU CAN’T.

I will start chemo on Monday, 26 days after I first heard the words – you have cancer. Several people asked me why I wanted to change it to Monday and as always, I had answer. Firstly, I think I changed it because I am scared and I really don’t want to get started but I know I need to –I have to. I had been so gung ho about taking charge, figuring it out and doing something about it but man, now that the time is here, I am scared. And being scared, I want to have one more “normal” weekend before this mess consumes us for the next SHORT 4 months.

And I really wanted Eric to have a free Saturday so he can go out on the boat with his friends and not worry about me, not have to take care of Ian and just be a guy instead of everything he is going to have to be in the coming months.

Honestly though, I changed it to Monday because I don’t want to feel like sh*t every other weekend and would rather feel the worst of it on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday when I am home alone, when Eric is at work and Ian is at school. Because honestly, I know how hard of a time I am going to have when I need to rest and take it easy and I know I wouldn’t be able to rest when I need to if they are home because I would want to be out in the thick of things with them. And now, I will feel good on the weekends when my boys are home to brighten my world and make me laugh.