Friday, March 15, 2019

Do I actually practice what I preach?!?!

Do I actually practice what I preach?!?!


Do you ever wonder if people who are dishing out advice actually practice what they are always preaching about? 


Like with me...do you ever wonder if I practice my mindfulness tactics that I share ALL the time? My positive outlook?  Or do you wonder if I am full of sh*t?!?! 


I always wonder what some of the people I follow are really like...not just in the snapshot they post about.


ANYWAY - a little look into my crazy mind.


But, I do have a point here about practicing what I preach. 


My positive outlook isn’t about being able to stay in a good mind space ALL the time...I am human....my mind runs out of control ALL the time still, but most of the time I can rain it back in...notice I said MOST of the time and NOT all of the time.


I have had a pain in my left boob for the past 2 weeks. 


It is a heavy aching pain. 


Monday, after pretty much bruising myself trying to feel for a lump, having had Eric feel, I broke down and called H for a  referral for a mammogram appointment because I didn’t  feel any lumps, no hot spots, no rash, no nipple discharge, no anything abnormal except for an aching.


I was able to schedule a mamo for Thursday.


Wednesday, scanxeity set in something fierce.


Crazy bad stories were running through my mind. What if scenarios were blowing through my imagination. I was on the fast train of anxiety heading to breakdown. I couldn’t eat, I was waking up in the middle of the night, my stomach was a mess and all the other fun stuff that anxiety likes to bring along.


Thursday I had my 3 month appointment with my oncologist GYN. I asked him if the low dose estrogen he prescribed could possibly be making my boob hurt because I haven’t had a period in over 8 years so my body isn’t used to actually having estrogen side effects...something in my heart told me to ask him even in my mind I sounded crazy! 


He said absolutely that could be what is causing the aches.


In that second, I felt in my heart that all is well!


Seriously, I could feel the vail of fear I had been looking through fall from me.


Hearing from a trusted professional that my oh so hopeful theory very possibly could be what is actually happening and causing the pain, well, I was flipping estatic. I floated up to cloud 9 and was able to stay in that mind space through my mamo and sonogram appointment (I have dense breasts, so needing a sonogram is nothing new to me.) 


Even when a lady came into the waiting clearly upset, I was able to not take on her energy...I was able to firmly stay in my own cloud 9 headspace while I wrote some short stories in the waiting area. (TIP for appointments: take something with you to do that you enjoy...phone scrolling gets old and IF you are in a worried mind space the phone scrolling makes it makes you even more anxious.)


After both the tests were done, the tech came back in with a smile...NOTHING TO SEE!!!


And when I was walking out, a sweet nurse stoped me because she recognized me from the last time i was in there to see how i was doing...it was great to be able to say that I am doing amazing!


So this is to let y’all know that yes, everyone has stress, maybe breakdowns (maybe that is just me?!?!), that unexpected sh*t happens to everyone...that keeping your mind in a good place is a practice. It takes work, dedication, practice, more work, more dedication, more practice...it is a never ending journey. And when you fall off the positive outlook path, know that you can get right back on it with one simple shift in your outlook. One simple change in the story you are telling yourself...it is up to you and you alone to watch/listen to your thoughts and call yourself out on your own bullsh*t! 

Sunday, March 10, 2019

42 days of mala meditation





I am SO freaking proud of myself for being on day 42 of doing a  daily mala meditation. 


I have been craving a meditation practice for I don’t know how long. I have started and stopped many different meditation practices before now. I have taken part in the free Oprah 21 days, I have bought different programs, followed other guided meditations, tried color mediation, and many more I can’t even remember now. But none of then stuck. I never felt totally in love with whatever type of meditation I was doing...I never looked forward it...I never craved that time on my meditation pillow.


That was until my coach Meg told me she wanted me to try doing a mala meditation with the words “ease and flow.” These words were something I said in a conversation with her about I want life to look like. I said, “ease and flow in all I do!” 


BOOM...there was my mantra I was going to use for my daily meditation. 


I told her I NEVER knew it could be THAT simple. I always thought it had to be some long verse of Sanskrit....like what Deepak taught on Oprah’s classes. 


It doesn’t!! 


It just has to be from the heart and soul!


A few things I have noticed about myself in these past 42 days: 


I am calmer. 


When I get pissy about something, I am asking myself to understand why I am pissy MUCH quicker than I did before. I have figured out,  it is usually because I am feeling out of control in one area of life and I tend to get pissy with those closest to me (husband and son).


I have more energy and drive.


I have been knocking stuff off my to-do list like crazy! I have cleaned my art room, gotten rid of several bags of things that were no longer bringing me joy, writing or doing art more, craving healthy food!, seeing more Angel numbers, feel closer to Spirit, and just overall better.  


I have more sparkly moments throughout my day!


What is a sparkly moment?


To me, it is when I literally feel sparkly energy in me. I will explain more later, but for now try to imagine when you FEEL love...like when you how a baby. 


Last benefit I have noticed is, I am able to focus and stay focused on a project! 


I am loving these small, but oh so awesome shifts in me.

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

Winter Wonderland

Wow, wow, wow...we just got home from a Winter Wonderland in Michigan.




The 3 of us went up to Eric’s parents lake house. It was SO MUCH FUN!!

Saturday and Sunday, Eric and Ian went skiing. Ian took a lesson the first day, then him and Eric were burning down the slopes! I can’t ski with the numb foot and all, so Sunday his parents hauled me to the slopes so I could watch them! 



Monday, we went snow shoeing and sledding.




My little man On the frozen lake.



I love this picture of them!

After snow shoeing, I took a big nap then we were off to sledding. No... I didn’t sled...there was no way I would be able to climb back up! 🤷🏻‍♀️😂





When we left the lake house yesterday, it was -15 outside and when we got home to Austin it was 45...talk about massive change!

Anyway, we are back home, getting unpacked, and ready for the rest of the week!

I made it a point to not schedule anything for today and tomorrow for myself. I know myself well enough that after a trip, I need a few down days.



Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Mind chatter - lesson 1


Over the next few weeks, I am going to be sharing with y’all some techniques I have learned and tweaked over the years to get control over my mind chatter.


I am going to write AND do a video chat about each one. I seem to explain the same activity differently depending on if I am writing or talking 🤷🏻‍♀️ and I am hoping that with written instruction and talking you through, the little pieces will make your puzzle easier!


Our first lesson is to start actively listening to your mind chatter. (I know this sounds weird, BUT this is the ground work for so much more....so, DO IT!!)


Step 1:

RIGHT NOW - acknowledge with your self that this is not going to be easy (the concept is simple but learning it is challenging BUT so worth it.)

I have found that acknowledging this, makes it easier to go easy on myself...ie not get flustered and talk more sh*t to myself for not getting it right away!


Step 2:

set a reminder on your watch/phone for a few times throughout the day.

When your alarm beeps, STOP what you are doing 


Step 3:

Observe/listen to your thoughts.


Kinda like when you are sitting at a restaurant and the people sitting at the table next to you are talking loud and it peaks your interest. You start to try harder to listen to what they are saying. (If I am the only one who does this...well now you know more about me... I love to hear stories...from anyone 🤷🏻‍♀️).


Step 4:

When you notice an “an eye roll” thought, 

STOP 

Collaborate and listen 😳😂😂 


Seriously though, as soon as you notice an eye roll thought, gently say stop.

And replace the eye roll thought with a better thought. 


ANYTHING BETTER...even if it is a tiny bit better.


*What is an eye roll thought?

If someone were to say out loud your thought to you and you would roll your eyes at them because they are being ridiculously hard on themselves.*


Example:

You notice “geez... I look fat” thought

YES - EYE ROLL THOUGHT 

Change your thought to SOMETHING you like about yourself.

My hair looks great today.


If you cannot say something about your appearance, an easy go-to one is, my breath is beautiful. 


Ready 

Set

GO!!


Let me your thoughts and if you have questions.


Thursday, January 31, 2019

1/31/19

1/31/19


Today is a first...I am sitting at a Dr. G appointment without Eric.


I had to have Syl drive me to my brain MRI follow-up appointment because Eric had work meetings he couldn’t miss, and my head is foggy from whatever cold/infection I am fighting off. And anytime my body has to fight anything additional, my brain turns to mush. 🤷🏻‍♀️


Driving + mush brain = stress for me which seems to intensify everything else.


She brought a book to wait in the car with, which is good with me. As much as I depend on my friends, I don’t like to bring them all the way into CancerLand. 


It is hard to explain why I let certain people see certain things...I will always write about EVERYTHING, but I don’t want to talk physically talk about everything...does that make sense?!?!


Anyway, it was weird to not have Eric there.


But GREAT news is...brain looks great! I still have a hole filled with nacreous (scar tissue) but everything looks great!!!


I still find humor in the fact I have a literal hole in my head...😳😂





I am at 5 years and 8 months of NED in my brain! 


I am so thankful that I am here to keep on keepin’ on.





Friday, January 25, 2019

Being ok with being ok

Written 1/24 & 1/25/19


Here I am, sitting at Dr. H for my 6 week appointment. As I sit out here in the waiting room, I am telling myself to breathe and send loving light to myself.


I have had an emotional past few days. And a slight headache from crying...it hits me sometimes how not all put back together I am.


And I wonder if I will ever be put back together better than I am now?


I have come to the realization that I will never be put back together how I once was...it just isn’t possible. 


Too much has happened.

I can’t erase my memories.

I can patch my cracks, but they are still visible. 

I never know if my patches will hold...and for how long?


I realize that the way I have been living in this “other shoe is going to drop” feeling for...well, I don’t actually know how long...at least the almost 8 years living with MBC. Living with that looming over my head has really f*cked with me in more ways than I realized. 


I started talking to a new kind of therapist in addition to my normal one. My new one is more of a coach...she gives me assignments to go within and search myself for the answers...this is HARD work. 


I don’t know exactly what part of what I have done is what flipped the switch on for my inner flashlight to really shine on my cracks that need some TLC. 


So, with me doing all this inner work has made me more emotional than normal....which I totally get - there is healing that needs to happen. 


Anyway I had an appointment with Dr. H. 


Something about being there with her, ALL my shields come done...and I mean all...I can’t hide the truth from her...I have tried but something about her makes any shield I have disappear....poof - gone!


I was in an emotional place anyway from doing all this self-work and seeing her was the straw that broke me all the way open.


She told me she can’t imagine. She sees how hard it is on me to be both this medical miracle but one who has lost so much while being this miracle. She also told me that I have to remember I have been doing this for 10 years, yet I expect for me to get better in X amount of time. I compared her saying this to something I heard once about relationship breakups - it usually takes at least half the time of what the relationship was to completely heal...and no, I don’t know if that is actually true. 


I got home and cried more...I was grieving for all my friends, my self, all that was. BUT somewhere in all that grief, God sent me a life raft to help me back to shore. 


I realized how ok I actually am. 

How me being able to reach inside, find a feeling that is hurting me - look at it feeling/story, love it for teaching me something and move on. I can lovingly leave these memories in a special box that I don’t have to carry around with all the time.  I can hand that box to my Angels, ask them to hold it for me, and if I want to revisit it...it will be protected and there for me. 


I don’t want to erase  what has happened...there is NO WAY I would be where I am now without all that has happened.


Oh, and I got bumped up to 2 months in between appointments!!

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Prospective

Prospective 


It is crazy to me how our prospective can instantly change anything.


From yesterday:


I went over to visit K’s husband today to deliver some art and to visit with him because I haven’t gone to see him or sat down and really talked to him since K’s passing.


I tried not to cry.


I didn’t want him comforting me. 


I wanted to be the one helping him...ha - that didn’t work. Per my normal, my heart is worn on my sleeve and I cried...just a little...that is just me. 🤷🏻‍♀️


Funny thing though, he told me he was about to edit one of my posts the other day because my grammar was no bueno. 😳😂


For any of you who didn’t know, K would ALWAYS go back and edit my posts on the Lifer page because I am not a proofreader... I type and hit publish...yes, I do that here too.


BUT after being over at K’s, it hit me how not okay I am with missing her.


I try to put it in perspective by telling myself that she isn’t in pain, she is perfectly Whole and happy watching down on us.


It is still hard.


That brings me to earlier today, when I was texting with my neighborhood honeys about one of the kids losing their phone. As always, all of us moms have something to say about everything we tell each other.


I usually always side with the kids - it was an accident and sh*t happens. And let’s not all get crazy until we figure out while story.


Anyway, the lost phone was put in prospective after my time with K’s husband. 


We can too easily put so much energy getting worked up over trying to fix things we have no control over. Yes, the lost phone sucks, BUT in the grand scheme of things, it is no big deal...and we moms are all still alive, healthy and able to be b*tching about it.


Oh, and the phone was returned!