Monday, September 17, 2018

Goodbye K

Last one standing 

It isn’t something I am proud of.

It isn’t something I ever prayed for.

It isn’t something I am really able to wrap my mind around.

K was the last of my core group of us living with Metastatic Breast Cancer (MBC).

I met K about 6 months after I was diagnosed Metastatic.  

She was Metastatic right from the get go, and she had about 6 months in the ring before I was thrown in too.

When I was told I was Metastatic, someone told me that I needed to get in touch with K because we were both moms with young kids and about the same age.

I honestly don’t remember the first time we met.

This is probably making K laugh out loud right now as I write.

She always knew my medical records better than I did. We would go to meetings and she was a pillar of support to all of us and a well read wealth of knowledge.

She stayed up to date with all the research findings and shared with us in hopes of making us all feel better about the same boat we were all riding in.

Outside of L4 meetings (MBC support group put on by BCRC) talk much about cancer. We talked about life - what was going on with our kids, husbands, projects we were working on - normal life stuff. 

Of course we did talk about cancer when we had to...scans, how we felt on whatever treatment, who was/wasn’t doing well - I guess the “normal stuff” living with an incurable disease brings up from time to time.

I told K along time ago that I was done making cancer friends. She said she was too. We had seen/felt/been crushed too many times in the past few years.

OH K - I will miss you dearly. I will miss your snarky comments that made me laugh. I will miss you being my personal medical chart I could ask what all chemos I had been on and us laugh about the fact you were in charge of all my crap. I will miss your friendly face that always invited anyone in to talk to you. I will miss your compassionate heart. 

I will miss you my friend.

Love you 

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Finding my grand

I have thought long and hard about what all I have learned these past 10 years while dealing with all the ups and downs that come with cancer. 

I have come to the conclusion - all the tidbits I have learned (sometimes multiple times) - are great lessons in life that I don’t usually hear others talk about until they are looking back on life talking about what they wish they would have known and practiced when they were younger verses figuring it out when they are much older.

I have lists of lessons I have learned. I have little tidbits I have I taken from here and there and applied to myself in what way works for me. I have miracle stories of my body recovering from trauma. I have a lot of good to share.

Instead of me waiting for something grand to happen (which is what I have been doing), I am changing my mind on what “grand” needs to be. 

Simply put - Me being here to share what I have learned with hopes of helping others is grand...and needed in the world.

I am pulling all the little tidbits I have collected along the way, all the mindset work I have done, taking into account all the miracle stories I have read, and I have decided THIS is the time. 

I am going to share more of my stories of triumph, failure, learning, heartbreak and everything that comes with this life I live.


Because I want to believe I haven’t crawled through 10 years of sh*t to come out on the other side as the exact same person. I want to believe those years have taught me something. I want to believe God had/has a larger reason for me here on earth...I believe we are all here to make some sort of mark on the world. I believe my mark has to do with how I have adjusted to all the crap I have been through and now what I am going to do with all I have I learned from it all.

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Starting over - AGAIN

Here I am again...starting over my daily PT.

I have all these thoughts running through my head: why did you stop in the first place to have to start over again; it wouldn’t be THIS hard IF you just stuck with it in the first place; you WERE doing so well - now...

YES - I still have these thoughts run through my head.

BUT at least I am recognizing them, putting tape over their mouths and telling myself it is ok.

I slipped off the PT wagon while we were on vacation and just continued on my merry way. 

Now about 3 weeks later, I made the decision TODAY IS THE DAY to start over again.

I did.

It was hard.

I am aggravated with myself for letting it go this long.

BUT I can’t change the past - I can only change what is happening now.

Saturday, June 23, 2018

Happenings here in Cancerland

This is the first time in a long time that I don’t have anything in particular to write about…which is a really good thing! 

To me – not having anything to write about means nothing out of the ordinary has been happening!

But that isn’t how I want to look at it because many things out of my ordinary have been happening – just not health crisis!

I really pray this is my new ordinary. 

I was asked to be on a panel to talk about blood cancer for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society. I was there as a patient who has been through a bone marrow transplant to give real life examples of the recovery process and life after a transplant. 

I LOVED it! I loved sitting up there getting to talk (yes, I do love to talk!), share my experience and most of all HOPE! 

I have another presentation scheduled Aug. 4 at Austin Cancer Rehab. This one is titled “Control” – how to stay in control when your world is falling apart. I am SO excited to start giving talks. I feel like this is the beginning of something big to come! I imagine myself giving talks to large audiences all over…what a fun thing to dream about!

I have gotten on AND stayed on the workout wagon! This is so exciting to me because…well – it isn’t the easiest thing for me BUT I feel amazing. I am not exactly sure what is making me feel so great and even if it isn’t the working out, I know it sure isn’t hurting me so I will continue. 

I am back to painting again, and it feels good…not great but good. I am struggling to find my new style. I am honing in on it, but I am not all the way there yet. 

I feel like there is more to tell, but I can’t think of anything at the moment. It is nice to be able to leave this on a really good note!