Thursday, May 18, 2017

Healthline Best of Metastatic Blog for 2017


I received an email yesterday telling me I am among of a handful of other women who blog about living with Stage 4 cancer that have all received the best of blog in Stage 4 category!

They thanked me for my humor and no hold back honesty.  I always want to tell people that this is just me and no need to thank me! I am sure many would roll their eyes at this as I do drive some people crazy!

I just want everyone to know that this helps me as much as it seems to help others.  I started this blog in 2008 when I was first diagnosed to have a central place to keep everyone informed about what treatment I was on and how it was treating me.  Somewhere in that, I found through writing I was able to really pour my emotions out and be as raw as I needed to be in order to “clean” and dump any emotions/energy that was swirling around me.

I am SO thankful I started this, so I can look back and see how far I have come and how much I have grown…I know this might make you want to puke?!?! I used to throw up a in my mouth when people would tell me that, BUT I do see where they were coming from now!

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Bone Marrow Biopsy, blood counts and more

Bone Marrow Biopsy, Blood counts and more k

I am still surprised at all the words in my normal day to day vocabulary…I am not saying I completely understand them all, but I like to throw them around like I do!
I went to Dr. H last week for my normal 3 week check-in. All was great with my blood work, but my cough seemed to be coming back, so she wanted me to get a chest x-ray…all is well…no pneumonia!!

I did have a slight mental breakdown when I ran out of Keppra…well, I am being dramatic…kind of.  Our mail in order schedule go off, and I ran out a few days before my new mail-in order go here.  If you have ever been on anti-seizure or anti-depressants, you KNOW you can’t stop them cold turkey.

And if you don’t know that…well, DON’T stop them cold turkey.
I was taking Ian and 2 other boys home, and we decided to stop and get ice cream by our house. It was hot, I was tired from the day, AND hadn’t taken my Keppra for 2.5 days.  While we were standing in line, my head started going foggy and I was seeing stars. I somehow held it together without passing out, but I had Ian call Eric to come get us because at that point I didn’t think I could drive. We sat there a bit, I ate a few bites of ice cream and decided I could get us the 3 blocks home. Eric met us at home with an emergency called in Rx of Keppra, and all was well a few hours later. We will NOT run out of that again!

Tuesday I had my follow-up appointment with Dr. B to find out my bone marrow biopsy results. I am now 100% my male donor bone marrow DNA!! Oh yes, the jokes are already being made about me having male DNA.  I asked him if that meant I would have more of a sex drive, grow facial hair, build muscles or what?!?!? He just looked at me, shook his head and asked Eric if I was like this ALL the time. Yes Eric nodded and Dr. B said, I am sorry man! Whatever…there were MANY more questions me and my girls came up with that I could have asked and REALLY embarrassed him and Eric.

I am not on any treatment right now which I am still wrapping my head and heart around…telling myself I am all good.
I have been doing my weekly YouTube videos, painting, WORKING OUT! And just getting back to how I want my life to be now. I was dropping the things that don’t bring me total Peace and Well-being, and much more. I am more excited than I have been in a long time as what is on my path!

Friday, April 28, 2017

My here and now

Hello my friends!
Last time I wrote was our anniversary which was lovely.

I am over the pneumonia that seemed like it wanted to a permanent house guest in my lungs. I said bye bye to that as soon as I could!

I am working hard on getting my story of Hope and Love out there with my art, and I finding vloging to be so fun to be able to actually talk to y'all and let you hear my voice and Hope in it.

Here in my first "welcome to my story" channel.

Love to yall

Sunday, April 9, 2017

12 years later

Today is mine and my hubby 12th wedding anniversary.

In a way, I think there is NO WAY it has only been 12 years because ALLof the health stuff we have gone through with me. We were married only 2.5 years when I was first diagnosed AND we had a 13 month old.

Then on the other hand, I can't be we have already been married 12 years. I don't know if that is from time always just flies by or what?

BUT I can tell you through every day, we grow to love each other more, learn to lean onto each other more, teach each other lessons in life that make us both better people...which I like to believe makes Ian and others better too.

Here is to you Eric.
It hasn't always been peaches and cream these last 12 years, but it has and will be always filled with love.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

In hospital

Well, well, well... I am at a place I never wanted to be...checking into the f*cking hospital for this pneumonia that we now have to have biopsy to see what is actually going on.

Today has been one heck of a day. 

8:00 Dr. H decided I am not better that I might be worse. She sent me to get blood drawn at 8:30 received a huge bag of fluids.

Then I was told to go get CT scan and after that we told we couldn't leave until they read the results because it might be a blood clot...WTF?? Told it was not a blood clot so we could leave.

Got a call and was told that I needed to go check into the hospital because they were going to want to do a long biopsy. Got checked into the hospital last night and I am scheduled for my lung biopsy tomorrow morning at 10 AM.

SO... I am here in my hospital room at the hospital that I hate because it brings back so many bad memories of my dear friends and I'm really thankful that I am not in any of the rooms they have been in.

If you are the praying type please pray and or send good vibes my way for an easy surgery tomorrow, good results and something easy to treat so I can get on to being as well as I'm supposed to be after the bone marrow transplant.


Wednesday, February 22, 2017

PTSD and Cancer

No one ever explained to me that dealing with breast cancer could lead to depression and/or PTSD. I am   not sure why I would need to be told this? I guess I thought I had seen others do it and I thought, why the hell couldn’t I do it too?

After the first time of breast cancer invading my body, I didn’t have symptoms of depression until about 3 weeks into radiation. That was after chemo, surgery and having a complete pathological response to chemo.  

I told Dr. H when I started having depressed like feelings, and she said this was completely normal.  I thought to myself if this was so normal, why didn’t anyone gives me a heads up?

When I was diagnosed with Stage 4, straight out of the gate I asked to up my happy pills just to deal with day to day stress and life, It worked!  I could function, and I even enjoyed life all the while not having a clue what was actually happing.

Then I needed brain surgery because the breast cancer moved to my brain…3 times, I somehow thought I could deal with that with no help.

After the first brain surgery, things weren’t back to my normal in my brain like they had been.  I chalked it up to having a massive liquid filled sack removed from my brain. I am sure that was part of it all, but 3 weeks with no sleep, scared to be alone, throwing up from fear of the tumor being back …I broke. No one ever called it a nervous breakdown, but I am sure it was.

The 3 weeks leading up the break down, I got at least 3 MRIs I was a paranoid mess insisting I could feel another tumor.

While in for chemo and checkup Is when I was checked into the hospital for the nervous breakdown and the 2nd tumor was found right before be being checked out of the hospital.

Time for another brain surgery…2nd brain surgery in 2 ½ months.

I somehow mentally got over that one easier. Maybe I did…from what Eric tells me I didn’t get over it at all.  I don’t remember much of those months.

Five months later I had a funny feeling in my leg, a few days later and was in surgery for my 3rd brain surgery in 8 months.

After the 3rd one, I woke up and said I was good to go, that I knew the tumor was gone. For almost 4 years I have been cancer free in my head!

June, 2016, I was diagnosed with pre-leukemia from one of the treatments I had from stage 1 treatment. I had a bone marrow transplant October 30, 2016. I hit my 100 day mark on February 7, 2017 and pretty sure I had another breakdown on February 8.

I could be being dramatic, but on the 8th everything changed for me.  From what I had read, the 100th day mark was supposed to be my turnaround day. No one ever said those words or printed that now that I go back and look again.

I did find this though; As many as 1 in 3 cancer patients suffers from PTSD” for full article out of

I have been struggling with this on and off unknowingly until I hit my 101 days post-transplant.

I am going to look for a new therapist over the phone because I have figured out I am more will to spill it all while not looking at someone…not sure why?

I wanted to share this with y’all because everyone always tells me how strong I am and how they couldn’t do what I have done. I want to show ALL my cracks, glued together pieces from being shattered and anything else.

I hope this helps others know we weren’t born to be non-breakable. It is ok. I will be put back together again and so will you.