Wednesday, July 26, 2017

New art work

I haven't shown y'all (or talked about) my art in a long time here, but the more art I do the more it is a part of my daily routine and my healing process.

I will be totally honest, I used to only create art with one outlook...sell it. 
Don't get me wrong, I still love selling it, but now I just sit down and create it for many reasons: my mind is completely clear and focused only on the task at hand so I get into a meditation like state easily, I can feel the happiness in my body, and I love to see what I can do...in terms of trying new things.

Here are some things I just finished and I am in love with them all!




I wanted to try a few things that I had gotten inspiration from and put my own twist on and for now this is my favorite. I am going to do a series of "Bloom" 








I have a friend who stages homes for sale, so I made some for her to "lease" from me for her homes...which I am SO excited about!! 

I hope everyone has a great day!

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Daily changes

So I don’t want to leave you hanging from last post. The biopsy from my boob came back ALL GOOD! But the MRI showed something changing in my brain. I am not surprised by this because I have been feeling more numbness in my right side, general fatigue and slight headaches. I restarted Avastin (brain chemo) hoping that it is just narcosis (mass of dead cells) and the Avastin will eat it away.

The plan up until today was to wait for one more round of Avastin on August 1, but I am feeling numbness and "off" today. After calling H she wants an MRI ASAP. It hasn't been scheduled yet, but I am guessing it will be first thing in the morning.

Please keep me in your prayers and pray for dead cell build up and/or eating of narcosis. 

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Stage 4 breast cancer explanation

I feel like I need to explain what Stage 4 breast cancer is with many of the questions I get. PLEASE know this is my take on all the scientific terms and I may not be 100% correct.

Stage 4 breast cancer is breast cancer that broke off from the original tumor in the breast and made itself at home elsewhere in the body. The most common places it travels to are bones, lungs, liver and brain.

So if someone says they have breast cancer in the liver and spine, that is what happened.

Stage 4 breast cancer is TERMINAL. There is no medicine that can completely eat away all the cancer; however, there are many treatments that can stop the cancer from continuing to spread. Some of these chemo therapies either work for a long time, don't work at all or stop working...no one knows the reason for this. So whenever someone says they are changing chemo, it is because the chemo stopped working and they had cancer progression.

When you see someone say they are NED or no evidence of disease, it means there aren't any cancer clusters big enough to be picked up on the scans...which is a great thing!

I had many people confused about me saying I am still NED after the needle biopsy showing that the spots are just calsufactions but I still have Stage 4 breast cancer. I will ALWAYS have Stage 4 breast cancer, but I pray multiple times a day it always stays asleep.

Now onto stage 1, 2 and 3 stages. Just because someone is diagnosed at ANY early stage does NOT mean it can't come back as Stage 4...even if you have a mastectomy. I have a friend who was Stage 3, had a mastectomy, chemo and radiation for the breast cancer to return to her breast muscles under where the mastectomy was.

I write this not to horrify you, but to educate you. I honestly don't believe people know the hard truth about breast cancer at any stage. I write this to ask you to continue to support organizations that RESEARCH breast cancer because in all honesty early detection really doesn't matter in the long run.

Friday, June 30, 2017

Here I am again

Well...this is been one hell of a week and I am exhausted from it.

I had a Bone Scan, CT and MRI on Monday, and a mammogram and bone density on Tuesday. Even just getting to all these appointments is stressful enough not to mention the pain from the mammogram…especially being called back TWICE for more pictures. WTF?!?! Yes, scenarios did start running though my head immediately.

Even with all the practice I do daily with being in the moment, letting it be what it is, prayer, etc, it all bombarded me at once.  I am happy to be able to say that I recognized it as fear and shut it down and turned exclusively to prayer thanking God for setting up these appointments earlier than I thought they were needed.

Tuesday afternoon after I was done with all that, I received a call from H nurse telling me something has changed on my MRI, and they were sending to Groves (brain oncologist) to take a look at too. GREAT…that day had turned from shit to total shit.

Wednesday I was going to paint a commission order, but my son wanted to stay home from camp and hang out, so since I didn’t have any appointments of course I let him! We went to the indoor rock gym. He had a good time, but it was kind of a bust because they had a camp going on and could teach me how to belay him down, SO he was only able to boulder (climb with a rope) therefore not allowing him to go all the way to the top.  OH WELL! I told him we would all go one weekend, I would get recertified to belay and all would be well!

Thursday I had a 9:00 at H for FIVE shots (second round of all my immunizations) and while I was checking in I was told I was also down for Avastion (brain chemo)…good with me…get this crap started early. BUT that also threw me a little off…or a lot because ALL of this was getting in the way of my goal of finishing my commission pieces before we leave town…OH WELL because at this point I had no say in what was happening.  Well, that isn’t true.  I could have gone back today, but I just wanted to get started and be done.

Then mom met me at the house to drive me to my needle biopsy because I was loopy from the Xanax I took to keep me calm while I was getting shots into my boob and I was already exhausted from the day and the week.

The boob biopsy went fine. The only thing that hurt were the numbing shots, and I am still sore this morning. After I got home I passed out for a few hours, woke up for 3 hours and passed back out until this morning. 


I honestly have a good feeling about the boob not be cancer. I mean I JUST had a chest/pelvic CT on Monday that came back clean. And with the brain stuff, I knew there was a large possibility I would one day need to do the brain chemo again to keep it all good.

SO that is my week in Cancerland. Yes, I am OVER IT!

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Goodbye sweet Kelli

We have all been told when you practice something, the easier it gets. I know that is true with 99% of things in life, but not in Cancerland.

I had one more F*CKING FUNERAL for a Lifer friend on Friday.  

She wasn’t just a Lifer with me, she was a friend…a friend who shared my crazy sense of humor not only about life in general but also was able to be a smart a*s about any situation…including the cancer that was eating her body.

Oh sweet Kelli…I will miss you my friend.  I will miss us making inappropriate remarks whatever the situation either together or on text, being able to truly laugh at the absurdity of our situations, talk about the literal holes in our heads and being able to blame all kinds of stuff on those holes and so, so much more.

When she was in the hospital at our last visit she told me she loved me so much and needed me there for my comic relief because she never knew what was going to come out of my mouth but we could always laugh at whatever it was that just flew out. I told her she was just the same, which she was, and we laughed hysterically together.

I was asked to read “How do I love thee” at her celebration of life.  There we 3 steps ups to the stage and well, numb foot + steps = no good for me.  So after falling UP the steps, I recomposed and told everyone that is probably why I was asked to read…she though it would me a good time for an added comic break!

Kelli did more philanthropy work than anyone I have ever personally known. Even in her last few weeks here on earth, she was setting up fundraisers for Camp Kesem to purchase items off their much needed wish list for this year’s camp. 


Oh sweet Kelli, like many others have said and I will say it too, you might have been tiny in stature but you were on fierce chic who lived and loved with EVERY being of your soul. I miss you my friend. Keep looking down on us and enjoy your pain free body and seeing your sister and all of our friends. Love you