Saturday, June 23, 2018

Happenings here in Cancerland

This is the first time in a long time that I don’t have anything in particular to write about…which is a really good thing! 

To me – not having anything to write about means nothing out of the ordinary has been happening!

But that isn’t how I want to look at it because many things out of my ordinary have been happening – just not health crisis!

I really pray this is my new ordinary. 

I was asked to be on a panel to talk about blood cancer for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society. I was there as a patient who has been through a bone marrow transplant to give real life examples of the recovery process and life after a transplant. 

I LOVED it! I loved sitting up there getting to talk (yes, I do love to talk!), share my experience and most of all HOPE! 

I have another presentation scheduled Aug. 4 at Austin Cancer Rehab. This one is titled “Control” – how to stay in control when your world is falling apart. I am SO excited to start giving talks. I feel like this is the beginning of something big to come! I imagine myself giving talks to large audiences all over…what a fun thing to dream about!

I have gotten on AND stayed on the workout wagon! This is so exciting to me because…well – it isn’t the easiest thing for me BUT I feel amazing. I am not exactly sure what is making me feel so great and even if it isn’t the working out, I know it sure isn’t hurting me so I will continue. 

I am back to painting again, and it feels good…not great but good. I am struggling to find my new style. I am honing in on it, but I am not all the way there yet. 

I feel like there is more to tell, but I can’t think of anything at the moment. It is nice to be able to leave this on a really good note!

Monday, June 4, 2018

Tired of being tired

I have no energy.

I have no motivation to do much.

I have been in this exact same place too many times to count.

I always seems to come out of my slump in my own time, but it seems to be getting harder every time??

I am trying something new...not new in theory but new to me actually doing it. I am going to MAKE myself go to my neighborhood gym DAILY for 20 minuets to ride the recumbent bike. I have to...I have to figure out some way for me to get more energy.  

Yes - I know just getting out and walking seems like it would be easier than driving there for a short period BUT walking in the heat is not good for me...the heat completely zaps me.

I am so tired of being so tired. 

Thursday, May 24, 2018

Accomplishments - be proud no matter the size

I used to be an ALL or NOTHING person...heck-who am I kidding-I still am BUT I am trying to break that nasty habit.

Yes, I said nasty.

Why nasty you might be wondering?

Nasty because that thought pattern has been holding me back from doing SO many things in life because I knew it would take time to learn, grow, get better, but very likely not be perfect.

Not be ALL all the time. 

Not be NOTHING either.

Why can’t it be GREAT to be in the middle?

Why have I been afraid of cruising in the middle? At least I am doing something about it...whatever it is.

I am going to use my gaining back my strength, balance, and stamina as an example.

I have beaten myself up time and time again for not sticking to a workout routine. I can’t stick to these crazy a*s workouts I have in my mind because I am NOT a professional athlete AND I have brain damage. When I put it like that, yes, it is easy for me not to beat myself up. BUT, I don’t always remember this and beat myself up anyway.

I am changing though!

I am recognizing this “all or nothing” mentally doesn’t serve me all.

I have been doing my PT exercises on a daily basis. I don’t get all sweaty, breath heavy or get shaky muscles, but I do see a HUGE improvement in so many small deliberate motions I use over and over again to make my walking easier and more confident.

Where am I going with all this?

That not being “all” is actually helping me so much more because I can sustain being in the middle. I can do my exercises daily without being completely worn down and needing to recover for 4 days. I am pretty sure doing something every day at a smaller percent is better than doing it 1 out of 5 days?!?!  

I am learning to be proud of an accomplishment - not measuring how big said accomplishment is - it is an accomplishment no matter what!

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

So this is 40!?!?

40th Birthday 

I made it!

All the way to 40!

According to stats, should have been gone around 4 years ago…you know, with the whole metastatic breast cancer and stuff.

BUT – here I am! 40 YEARS OLD!!

40 used to look so different in my mind.

When I was a teen, 40 was the age of all the parents around me, my bosses, teachers, and such.
40 seemed SO long away.

SO easy.

In my mind, you had a job, you had kids, you had a family….you had it together as an adult.

When I was in my early 20’s, I honestly don’t think I ever thought of what it was going to be like when I was 40. There didn’t seem to be a reason to think about it all.

In my mid-20’s, I got married, had our son, worked – just living what I had thought life we supposed to be like.

30’s – well that decade was a little challenging.

Who am I kidding?!?! That decade was rough!

Age 30-31: Breast Cancer treatment for stage 1

Age 33: metastatic breast cancer treatment

Age 34, 34 and 35: 3 brain surgeries

Age 38: bone marrow transplant.

Some resume I have here.

So, being 40 to me is a crazy miracle.

With that miracle mentality, it changes my perception on age…a lot.
I don’t want to think of age as anything other than years of experiences.

Because really, when I look back on these past 40 years, it is the experiences I remember the most.

I don’t remember a ton about day to day life. It all blends together into chucks of experiences.

So, this begs me to question myself – what do I want to experience in this new decade of life?

~ I want continue digging into my heart to find answers that only my heart can tell me. Even if the answers are scary, seem impossible, or make me have more questions…I want to follow those answers.

~ I want make memories. Eric and I have stopped buying each other “stuff” just for the sake of it being a holiday, birthday or such. I don’t want anymore “stuff”

~ I want to experience being in the moment as much as possible.  Yes, sometimes that means feeling the hurt so bad it feels like my skin is on fire, or laughing so hard I get lightheaded…just feel it all.

~ I want to experience sharing this crazy story of mine on stage – me sharing with others to give Hope. I want to travel around with Eric and Ian to do this…to give these talks!

~ I want to experience love…just like I have for the past 40 years. But I want to amp up that love…I want a love aura!  
So this is it…40!

I am excited.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Speaking GIG!!

Yes I am shouting with excitement!

I have been dreaming about speaking/sharing this bat sh*t crazy story of mine/me learning how to lean into the flow of life and riding the magic wave.

Lately, I’ve been sharing this dream of mine with pretty much any one who will listen...and it lights me up thinking/talking/sharing space with others who can see my dream come to life too.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Flowing your intuition

I am the type of person who LOVES infomercials...I LOVE THEM!!

I think it is because it breaks something down that seems complex into do-able steps. 

Eh...really, it doens’t matter to me why I love them...I do!

So when I saw Body Grove on either a FB or Instragram ad, I was intrigued. I watched this chick do fun, easy dance moves - to get my body moving dance moves - not asking for perfection dance moves - just moves to get my blood flowing, to get the energy in my body moving. 

I honestly don’t know how long ago I ordered this DVD, but I thought about it this morning and decided to follow my intuition to do it. 

It was awesome!

I can’t tell you what kind of dance type it is. But I can tell you that I bought it, did it - all following my intuition.

Do you follow your intuition?

What is the best story you have about following your intuition?