Tuesday, May 15, 2018

So this is 40!?!?

40th Birthday 

I made it!

All the way to 40!

According to stats, should have been gone around 4 years ago…you know, with the whole metastatic breast cancer and stuff.

BUT – here I am! 40 YEARS OLD!!

40 used to look so different in my mind.

When I was a teen, 40 was the age of all the parents around me, my bosses, teachers, and such.
40 seemed SO long away.

SO easy.

In my mind, you had a job, you had kids, you had a family….you had it together as an adult.

When I was in my early 20’s, I honestly don’t think I ever thought of what it was going to be like when I was 40. There didn’t seem to be a reason to think about it all.

In my mid-20’s, I got married, had our son, worked – just living what I had thought life we supposed to be like.

30’s – well that decade was a little challenging.

Who am I kidding?!?! That decade was rough!

Age 30-31: Breast Cancer treatment for stage 1

Age 33: metastatic breast cancer treatment

Age 34, 34 and 35: 3 brain surgeries

Age 38: bone marrow transplant.

Some resume I have here.

So, being 40 to me is a crazy miracle.

With that miracle mentality, it changes my perception on age…a lot.
I don’t want to think of age as anything other than years of experiences.

Because really, when I look back on these past 40 years, it is the experiences I remember the most.

I don’t remember a ton about day to day life. It all blends together into chucks of experiences.

So, this begs me to question myself – what do I want to experience in this new decade of life?

~ I want continue digging into my heart to find answers that only my heart can tell me. Even if the answers are scary, seem impossible, or make me have more questions…I want to follow those answers.

~ I want make memories. Eric and I have stopped buying each other “stuff” just for the sake of it being a holiday, birthday or such. I don’t want anymore “stuff”

~ I want to experience being in the moment as much as possible.  Yes, sometimes that means feeling the hurt so bad it feels like my skin is on fire, or laughing so hard I get lightheaded…just feel it all.

~ I want to experience sharing this crazy story of mine on stage – me sharing with others to give Hope. I want to travel around with Eric and Ian to do this…to give these talks!

~ I want to experience love…just like I have for the past 40 years. But I want to amp up that love…I want a love aura!  
So this is it…40!

I am excited.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Speaking GIG!!

Yes I am shouting with excitement!

I have been dreaming about speaking/sharing this bat sh*t crazy story of mine/me learning how to lean into the flow of life and riding the magic wave.

Lately, I’ve been sharing this dream of mine with pretty much any one who will listen...and it lights me up thinking/talking/sharing space with others who can see my dream come to life too.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Flowing your intuition

I am the type of person who LOVES infomercials...I LOVE THEM!!

I think it is because it breaks something down that seems complex into do-able steps. 

Eh...really, it doens’t matter to me why I love them...I do!

So when I saw Body Grove on either a FB or Instragram ad, I was intrigued. I watched this chick do fun, easy dance moves - to get my body moving dance moves - not asking for perfection dance moves - just moves to get my blood flowing, to get the energy in my body moving. 

I honestly don’t know how long ago I ordered this DVD, but I thought about it this morning and decided to follow my intuition to do it. 

It was awesome!

I can’t tell you what kind of dance type it is. But I can tell you that I bought it, did it - all following my intuition.

Do you follow your intuition?

What is the best story you have about following your intuition?

Monday, May 7, 2018

Feeling my energy

I love looking at art. It makes me happy - in a different kind of way - then other things that make me happy...you know?

I love the unexpected that happens in art. I love the colors. I love the vibes art can give off - like make a room feel happy, energized, full of energy - I love the way I can tap into that energy/feeling/emotion of art. Like-I can feel the energy.

That leads me into what I want to talk to you about.

Stay with me here, because it might get a little “woo woo.”

Can you feel energy?

Have you ever walked into a room and felt that the people in there just had a fight or were laughing their heads off? I am sure you have even if you didn’t notice it. 

I have started intentionally noticing MY energy. 

My energy in my mind (thoughts), my emotional energy (the way I respond to events), my spiritual energy (what I feel like when I talk to God/Angels/Universe (whatever you want to call it), 

Energy is a hard thing to notice because it is so fleeting. I have had to teach myself to be present, listen to the clues my soul is giving me, and respond immediately. 

Like a child who doesn’t want you doing something - call it out in the exact moment. 

If you don’t like the way your energy is flowing, call it out...right then and there, and make the decision to change it...right there and then.

Here is an example:

I didn’t like the way my mind was telling my body today that it didn’t want to do anything because I am tired. BUT, I had already decided that no matter what, I was going to 100% show up for myself care to-do list. My list includes doing my PT exercises and meditation work. So, I made the decision to change my energy.

Instead of letting my mind tell me what MIGHT happen, I said, “nope - I am the one in control here. I am going to actually do it to see what happens instead of letting this story I have in my head make any decision for me. I can seriously do anything for 10 minuets...If I still feel that I don’t want to do anything after, then I can look at my situation at that point in time.” 

You know what happened?

I rocked it with my PT, mediation was excellent AND I followed my inspiration to paint afterwards. 

My point is: you can change the energy you flow. You can change it from horrible to great, from blah to good, from good to awful - YOU can chose whatever energy it is that you want to flow.

Does this make sense?

PLEASE ask me questions...I want to teach people how to do this.


Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Numb to loss

Numb to loss

I was talking to my therapist this morning about yet another friend who just passed away from F*CKING METASTATIC BREAST CANCER.

YES - I am yelling about it.

I was telling her my dilemma - Eric’s 40th birthday party is scheduled for Sunday brunch...Lori’s service is being held Sunday at 10:30.

I can’t be in 2 places at once.

Then I let it all out. 

All the things that swirl around in my head.

Things I have thought about too many times in my not even 40 years.

Who are services for? 

Is it for their loved ones to see who all loved them? 

Is it for closure? 

If so, for who? 

Is it for support for everyone who is affected by the passing?

I feel like a b*tch because I don’t need closure and feel jaded about yet another friend lost AND I am not torn up about it BECAUSE I knew who she was - she loved to travel - she didn’t want to be confined to this sh*t show. And I know the reality of life with Metastatic Breast Cancer. I know the reality because I have been here in Cancerland for about 10 years.

The odds are against us.

Does that make me a bad person being OK with it when my friends pass away?

I don’t think so?

I believe they are all in a much better place - no worries, no pain, NO CANCER.

But I know my thoughts on this are completely different from so many others.

I am coming to terms with this - this is how I deal...doesn’t make me good or bad...makes me human.

Monday, April 16, 2018

What to give as get well gifts

What to give as get well gifts.

I am asked a lot about what does and doesn’t make a good gift for someone who is: 
diagnosed with breast cancer
during chemo
during radiation
after surgery – mastectomy
after brain surgery 

Before I start this, I want to say this is MY personal opinion. Please don’t send my any hate mail telling me I am wrong. BUT if you have gift ideas to add, please do so in the comments!

Great gifts:

Food GIFT CARDS – not actual food. That way they can get exactly what they want. I had a ton of casseroles delivered to our house when I was diagnosed both times…I am not a casserole person. The thought was great, but we didn’t eat a lot of what was brought.

House cleaning. YOU find the service, YOU set it up for your friend.

Snacks. EASY ready to eat snacks. Don’t make them all healthy. When someone get home from chemo, when someone is on steroids, when you someone is exhausted from it all – easy, grabble snacks are needed.

TV subscriptions – HULU, Amazon, Netflix etc. These are great activities to do during treatment/home not feeling good/good to take your mind off not feeling good.

Nice easy to carry blanket


Neck pillow for sitting in chemo chair

Soft comfortable hats/scarves

After radiation – super soft breathable camisoles to wear all the time

After mastectomy – HealInComfort shirt – it has great pockets for drains

I am sure there is stuff I am missing, but this is all I can think of for now.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Living as my future self

Going back to Sunday’s blog post, New Vision – I am SO enjoying what I have been working on.

Monday, I had my 5 month CT chest/abdominal and bone scans. I went into them holding the vision/the KNOWING/the sparkly fluttery feeling of a completely heathy bod!)  I envisioned getting the call today and hearing, “nothing to see here.”  I didn’t stress…I just went with the flow of scans being a part of my life for the time being (who knows – maybe one day I won’t need scans anymore because I have been No Evidence of Disease for so long!?!?!). 

Anyway, I got my call today telling me NED!! I felt the magic bubbly feeling I had imaged. 

I had a headache from all the contrast/dye I had to get for the scans. And you know what – I went with it. I said, ok. Just let my body do what it needed to do WITHOUT me judging/beating myself up! 

I would rate yesterday as great with my mindset!

For tomorrow I am visualizing:

I got up refreshed after a great night of sleep. Had delicious coffee and protein packed breakfast of eggs whites, sharp cheddar cheese, whole wheat toast with butter and jelly.
I set down to do my daily visualization on my purple yoga pillow.  Getting into my “zone” SO effortlessly – feeling the tingles in my body – asked my body what it needs – listening to higher self. I imagined my body full of life, love, energy. I saw myself rocking it at PT – feeling my muscles work how they are meant to. Elaina and I effortlessly dropped our 4 recorded podcasts, and recorded 2 more! They just flowed out of us and we were both full of excitement knowing our podcast is going to be a hit!
After she left, I had a huge healthy salad. 
The day just kept going with ease and joy. Every step I took I felt stronger and more powerful!

I can already feel my vibe getting higher, and able to stay higher!