Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Tomorrow marks 9.5 weeks

9.5 weeks since I left home to come to Dallas for my Bone Marrow Transplant.

9.5 weeks since I have been in my own house.

9.5 weeks since I have seen cuddled Lucy.

9.5 weeks since I have slept in my own bed.

9.5 weeks since I have hung out with my friends.

9.5 weeks since I have hugged them.

9.5 weeks for depression to start sinking in. The depression hasn’t been here this whole time, but this week it is really starting hitting me hard. I do look down the path I have gone thus far and think this has to almost be over, but then I have thought that SO many time before. And so many times before I have been wrong.

Then I have to remind myself.

This is not my all the time life…yes it is my life for now but not forever. God please, don’t let it be forever.

I am still exhausted…more than exhausted. I wake up in the morning, can barely choke down breakfast because my mouth is so dry and everything tastes like cardboard. I gag a lot…luckily it stops at gaging.  I seem to have a dull headache all day every day.

I thought I would have all this free time to paint and create every day. I guess I forgot I need to have energy plus desire to actually do these things.

I got a bone morrow biopsy today to see if there are any happening. Please pray there is nothing abnormal happening.

I know no blasts is 1 step closed to going home.  All I want at this point is to go home

Monday, November 7, 2016

Bottomed out

Day +8 and my counts have "bottomed out." 

I that sounds scary, but it is what needs to happen so my new blood can take over!

I do feel like complete crap throat is on fire, I have mouth sores, my tongue feels swollen, and I have a slight headache. I keep telling myself that in the grand scheme of things I can easily lay low for a day or three and get through this.

I can't easily eat, so milkshakes are on the menu for me. Hey a plus?!?

I will get a shot tonight that will help my body produce the white cells I need to start healing! This is the day I have been waiting for!!!

Let's see, I don't think there is much else to report. 

I will ask for prayers. Please pray my counts recover faster than normal and I get to start planning my move to Twice Blessed...which is the apartment I will stay in to continue recovering until I get to go home!!!

Monday, October 31, 2016

A week in

Yesterday marked a week of me being in the hospital for my bone marrow transplant...which is odd being as I got my new blood yesterday.

The big question I am getting is, how do I feel? I honestly fell ok. My head starts to hurt when I get too tired and I get pukey feeling, but as long as I am on top of it and let my nurses know, the medicine is keeping everything at bay.

My doctor said he is "extremely happy" with my counts and how everything is going! Today is Day 1, and my counts are still almost 6,000! I am praying they can hold on as long as possible because the further I can get to Day 14 (ish) with good counts, the less chance I will completely hit bottom.

I am bored out of my mind when I am awake, but I don't have energy to really do much. I just keep telling myself I have seen this road before and I know where it goes...up!

I miss Eric and Ian like crazy, but being able to FaceTime is helping me like nothing else. Ian isn't much of a phone talker, but with the video he is much better!

Thank you for all the prayers, thoughts and well wishes! I do feel them wash over me.

I will do some more videos this week too! Those are fun to let you into my world here.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Goodbye my dear friend

I know you would tell me to shut my mouth as I tell you how sorry I am that I wasn't able to be there in person to attend your "fashion show"...which in my mind sounds much more interesting a funeral. Interesting like you were.

I hate that cancer brought us together, BUT I am so glad it did.

I was constantly amazed by you and you managed to balance on your plate. You walked through everything you did with Grace and beauty, your heart was made of gold but somewhere in all that was a sassy smart ass...which made us instant friends.

I will always hold you tightly in my heart. As soon as I get home, I will going love on E and remind him of his mommy who never stopped.

I love you friend.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Day 1

On the way

I am writing this from the car. We are on the way to Dallas for my bone marrow transplant.
I don't even know what I am feeling at this moment...sadness for Eric and Ian, scared for me and just an overwhelming heartache of the looming goodbye I am about to have to say to them.

I had been able to put all these feelings in a jar on a shelf for another day. I guess that day is today. I have to open the jar.

It is time to deal with the fact I have a secondary cancer which happens to be a blood cancer and I am getting a bone marrow transplant to cure it.

I keep telling myself 3 months is nothing compared to all the other crap I have gone through. But then my monkey mind likes to chrip in with "yeah but, you have been at home to recover." I try to tell it to stuff it, but right now I can barely find the courage to continue putting one foot in front of the other much less tell my monkey mind to shut the hell up.

I have had many calls and texts wishing me good luck. Most end in tears, sprinkled in with some laughter.

So, here goes nothing!

I am going to do a video update daily because I WELL INTEND this to be my last round in the cancer ring! I will post a direct link to YouTube when I am at an actual computer.

In the meantime, please pray/send great energy to handle all this SHIT with Grace and Love.

Monday, October 17, 2016

My heart might explode

Today was such an unexpected roller coaster, and I have a feeling the rest of the week is going to be the same.

I had a Dr. H appointment, so I went early so I could hug all my peeps. Yes I went an hour early and should have gone even earlier.

I took a stack of #CancerGirl prints because the last batch sold like crazy. 


Once I dropped those off, I went around a hugged all my people there. You have to understand, I have been going there Dr. H for 8 years...that is a long time to get to know everyone who makes the team there work so well.

I gave away other prints also. Just a way for me to thank them for all they do (and not to forget me when I am gone for 3 months).

I cried when I hugged Gloria...she is so much more than a nurse to me. She listens to my crazy dreams and always encourages me to fly.

I cried even more when I hugged Dr. H. She has never for one second given up on me and has pulled me through so much. I know many other doctors would have thrown in the towel with me at some point on this road...not her. She still remembers when I told her I didn't care what the stats say because I am NOT a stat. She said I prove that time and time again.

Then I went shopping with mom to get me lounge clothes being as I will be living in them for the next 3 months.

I am getting waves of panic with all this going on. I just want to make sure my baby is taken care of. I know he will be...I have prepped all I can and I have to be at peace with that.