Wednesday, February 22, 2017

PTSD and Cancer

No one ever explained to me that dealing with breast cancer could lead to depression and/or PTSD. I am   not sure why I would need to be told this? I guess I thought I had seen others do it and I thought, why the hell couldn’t I do it too?

After the first time of breast cancer invading my body, I didn’t have symptoms of depression until about 3 weeks into radiation. That was after chemo, surgery and having a complete pathological response to chemo.  

I told Dr. H when I started having depressed like feelings, and she said this was completely normal.  I thought to myself if this was so normal, why didn’t anyone gives me a heads up?

When I was diagnosed with Stage 4, straight out of the gate I asked to up my happy pills just to deal with day to day stress and life, It worked!  I could function, and I even enjoyed life all the while not having a clue what was actually happing.

Then I needed brain surgery because the breast cancer moved to my brain…3 times, I somehow thought I could deal with that with no help.

After the first brain surgery, things weren’t back to my normal in my brain like they had been.  I chalked it up to having a massive liquid filled sack removed from my brain. I am sure that was part of it all, but 3 weeks with no sleep, scared to be alone, throwing up from fear of the tumor being back …I broke. No one ever called it a nervous breakdown, but I am sure it was.

The 3 weeks leading up the break down, I got at least 3 MRIs I was a paranoid mess insisting I could feel another tumor.

While in for chemo and checkup Is when I was checked into the hospital for the nervous breakdown and the 2nd tumor was found right before be being checked out of the hospital.

Time for another brain surgery…2nd brain surgery in 2 ½ months.

I somehow mentally got over that one easier. Maybe I did…from what Eric tells me I didn’t get over it at all.  I don’t remember much of those months.

Five months later I had a funny feeling in my leg, a few days later and was in surgery for my 3rd brain surgery in 8 months.

After the 3rd one, I woke up and said I was good to go, that I knew the tumor was gone. For almost 4 years I have been cancer free in my head!

June, 2016, I was diagnosed with pre-leukemia from one of the treatments I had from stage 1 treatment. I had a bone marrow transplant October 30, 2016. I hit my 100 day mark on February 7, 2017 and pretty sure I had another breakdown on February 8.

I could be being dramatic, but on the 8th everything changed for me.  From what I had read, the 100th day mark was supposed to be my turnaround day. No one ever said those words or printed that now that I go back and look again.

I did find this though; As many as 1 in 3 cancer patients suffers from PTSD” for full article out of

I have been struggling with this on and off unknowingly until I hit my 101 days post-transplant.

I am going to look for a new therapist over the phone because I have figured out I am more will to spill it all while not looking at someone…not sure why?

I wanted to share this with y’all because everyone always tells me how strong I am and how they couldn’t do what I have done. I want to show ALL my cracks, glued together pieces from being shattered and anything else.

I hope this helps others know we weren’t born to be non-breakable. It is ok. I will be put back together again and so will you.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Ask, believe, wait

Yes, I keep a prayer journal BUT I rarely go back and read it after the fact...especially years after the fact.

I went back and read a journal entry from a few years ago asking God for all new cells in my body. For God to wash all my yuck cells away and replace them with strong vibrant cells ready to work for my body.

It didn't occur to me that all this had happened pretty much just as I asked Him to make it happen. I didn't set a time line nor did I pester Him about it, I just asked Him, knew it would happen and forgot about it. And I am seeing with this "formula" this is what I need to do. 

Ask, believe, let it be.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Post stem cell transplant Day 62

I can't believe it has been 62 days already, but on the other hand I can't believe it hasn't been longer.

Monday, December 26, 2016

Driving home

Yes, you read that right!!! We are driving home from Dallas right at this second.

Eric and I have been talking and of course I didn't realize what a big deal it is for me to be going home in 2 months verses 3, for my marrow to have melded SO well and easily with my old, and most of all I didn't REALLY realize that had I not had this transplant I would more than likely be withering away in about a my body would just give out on me.

I feel like I have had so many second chances I now have a job to share my story and Hope, Love, and Light with who needs it. I know first and foremost though, I must take care of myself and family.

I want to thank all of you for all the prayers and great vibes you have sent and I am asking for you to continue to send because I realize I still have a lot of healing to do, and I need to patient with myself.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

A BIG FAT thank you

I am not am the best at being sappy, touchy, lovey in person...I do better writing it.

I want to give a heart and soul thank you filled with love to Eric's parents and my mom...these past months have NOT been easy on them either (besides the obvious their kids hurting) but they all dropped their lives to be here with us...there was never a question asked.

Eric's parents were with Ian and Eric the whole time while managing to juggle a newborn a few days here and there to help Eric's sister. They managed contractors to fix up our house (which I don't even know what looks like yet, but Eric and Ian love it!).
They held our home together with their love.

My mom was with me everyday and night..,even on the hospital bed! She would make me get up and shower and walk when I didn't want to, she would sit in the silence with me while I was contemplating what in the hell was going on and if I would really ever be healthy or home again.

This is my love note to them. I ABSOLUTELY couldn't have done this without them and I love them more ever second I think about it all.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Happenings here

I know I have been very quite on my blog, but I have been updating my FaceBook which you can find here,

Along with me getting better, I have decided I must write a follow-up book for this second 1/2 of the whole cancer gig, because let's be 100% NOTHING about this has been normal. Along with that want to start making motivational YouTube videos to forward me on to a motivational speaker path.

I started painting again this week! I know I feel better now that I am painting.  Gina told me she can't wait to see what style comes next because ever time I have a trauma, I change my style of painting. I am going to work on stuff to give all my nurses...I will defiantly show y'all what I do!

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Tomorrow marks 9.5 weeks

9.5 weeks since I left home to come to Dallas for my Bone Marrow Transplant.

9.5 weeks since I have been in my own house.

9.5 weeks since I have seen cuddled Lucy.

9.5 weeks since I have slept in my own bed.

9.5 weeks since I have hung out with my friends.

9.5 weeks since I have hugged them.

9.5 weeks for depression to start sinking in. The depression hasn’t been here this whole time, but this week it is really starting hitting me hard. I do look down the path I have gone thus far and think this has to almost be over, but then I have thought that SO many time before. And so many times before I have been wrong.

Then I have to remind myself.

This is not my all the time life…yes it is my life for now but not forever. God please, don’t let it be forever.

I am still exhausted…more than exhausted. I wake up in the morning, can barely choke down breakfast because my mouth is so dry and everything tastes like cardboard. I gag a lot…luckily it stops at gaging.  I seem to have a dull headache all day every day.

I thought I would have all this free time to paint and create every day. I guess I forgot I need to have energy plus desire to actually do these things.

I got a bone morrow biopsy today to see if there are any happening. Please pray there is nothing abnormal happening.

I know no blasts is 1 step closed to going home.  All I want at this point is to go home