tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62342965250524691022024-03-13T09:47:38.887-05:00Team S - Living with Stage IV Breast CancerI live with stage IV metastatic breast cancer that has caused 3 brain surgeries and leukemia that required a bone marrow transplant. .
I like to write about life - and I don't hold back! My mission is to always remind myself and others anything is possible, Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.comBlogger744125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-40081051960091874162021-06-29T08:31:00.001-05:002021-06-29T08:31:09.164-05:00Healing Trifecta <img id="id_7e89_c0ff_4e87_30a7" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/0UdKkFsnT93vknsfuSFtMVOeOfam3wSRoZkkeJhfT40Kxz9z6ie1bX7aA_X1ZmOM3h0" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br> <div><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 28px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-weight: bold;">Trifecta</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="6">I noticed the other day that every time I checked in with my emotions (something I have been doing since starting therapy)…checked in with my thoughts…checked in with my physical body…I noticed that more often than not…I felt good…not just good but more often than not I was noticing I felt great in all these areas.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2">Going from a bit of a mental meltdown (ok…full on breakdown </span><span class="s3">🤷🏻♀️</span><span class="s2">) in January after the endoscopy disaster, I started 3 things that has helped me SO much.</span></font></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><ol class="ol1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2"><font size="6">I started with weekly therapy.</font></span></li></ol><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="6">For years I have gone to therapy when I needed it, but I was only working on the thoughts/emotions I was dealing with in the moment from cancer. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="6">With my current therapist, we started with an outline of my whole life…not just cancer, found my trigger points (WAY more than I knew about) and did EMDR to “collect and file” the stories that would take me down and throw me into a tailspin.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="6">I am now able to step back and question the thoughts/fears/anxiety/sadness etc. all while not blaming or self criticizing…major win!</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="6">I can’t believe how amazing this process is…I am working on several posts about my experience with EMDR because I want everyone to know about it.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><ol class="ol1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2"><font size="6">Meditation </font></span></li></ol><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="6">I got serious about meditation!</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="6">I made it a point to meditate daily, even when it was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. I made myself sit and focus on my breathing for minim of 5 minutes…some days it was SO hard but I stuck it out.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="6">I noticed when meditating was the last thing I wanted to do was when I needed it most and when I felt the most at peace with my heart afterwards.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="6">I have also noticed that I am now craving my daily meditations and meditate 2-3 times a day.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><ol class="ol1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2"><font size="6">Changed an Rx </font></span></li></ol><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="6">I stopped taking Lexapro and started Wellbutrin.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="6">I had been feeling like maybe the Rx I had been on for 10 years kinda lost its total effect and after I couldn’t shake my depressed feelings after the endoscopy, my doctor changed it up. I am so glad that he did and I feel as great as I do!</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="6"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="6">I don’t know if it is just one of those action items that helped, a combination of two or all three of them, but I do know that I haven’t felt this great for this amount of time in so long and it feels absolutely amazing!</font></span></p></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-42701032758464249572021-05-14T08:56:00.001-05:002021-05-14T08:56:22.061-05:0043!<img id="id_4bc6_1f8c_74a8_5149" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/js2gs6l_-IQGYfM1tYPJE1fPBnxPjwWF2aV8eP2ird-QN2AYB3pZ2AZ7qXbjW8ZfcRg" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br> <div><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 28px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-weight: bold;">43 </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I used to think 43 was so old, but I now understand that age is truly just a number...and numbers don’t define me!</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Every birthday I like to reflect on the past year and my 42nd year was one like no other.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Because of Covid, I had way more alone time than ever before and because of that, I had no where to run to when I started getting uncomfortable with the hard questions I was asking myself... what is truly important to me, what kind of person do I want to be, what attributes draws me to and/or pushes me away from others, what gives me energy, what brings on anxiety and so much more.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">In my 42nd year I learned/discovered that:</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><ul class="ul1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I can now fully accept none of the health issues were my fault...yes, I have held on to the thought that I did something either in this life or another to “deserve” cancer.</font></span></li></ul><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><ul class="ul1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I can now befriend my “shadow” side. (Shadow side is all the parts of self that you aren’t proud of.) I have learned that shining a little light on the dark places is a lot less scary than sitting in the dark making up stories about what could be out there.</font></span></li></ul><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><ul class="ul1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I want to live a consciousness life...meaning I don’t want to live on autopilot and simply go through the motions of it all nor do I want to be so busy that I don’t have alone time to recharge. During quarantine I have slowed down and am able to focus on one thing at a time and be present with whatever it is that is happening...even if whatever is happening sucks. I have learned from therapy that I have a tendency to “check out” when my nervous system is in overdrive, and I don’t want that anymore.</font></span></li></ul><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><ul class="ul1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Things/stuff/food is not going to make me feel better...those things are a great temporary bandaid to cover the hurt/disappointment/sadness/depression/anxiety/whatever but nothing is going to make me honestly happy except myself/my thoughts.</font></span></li></ul><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><ul class="ul1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">When I mess up/hurt someone’s feelings, I have learned to make it a point to acknowledge my part and apologize for it as soon as I realize that I messed up. </font></span></li></ul><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><ul class="ul1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Depression and/or anxiety needs to be talked about more. </font></span></li></ul><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><ul class="ul1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I am working on changing my thoughts around everything I have walked through with my health. Instead of trying to act like it was no big deal, I am learning how to embrace it and be proud of myself for always continuing on because it was a big deal!</font></span></li></ul><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">So...here I am now...43 years old and I feel like I am just starting life! I feel like this past year has really solidified my thoughts and desires on life..Grace, Grit & Gratitude will get me to where I see my future self flourishing and I can’t wait to see what is next in life!</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-49331227557180568992021-04-25T16:00:00.001-05:002021-04-25T16:04:52.119-05:00Where I have been <p class="p1" style="margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-weight: bold;"><font size="5">Where I have been </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Many people have reached out to me to see if I am ok being as I haven’t posted much lately... I am ok now but wasn’t there for awhile. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Let me start from the beginning of my downhill slide.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Wednesday, January 20</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I had to get an endoscopy and colonoscopy because my iron numbers had been dropping, and I had been more tired than usual.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Everything started out well...got to the procedure center, checked in, taken back to my bed, got my IV and was wheeled back for the procedures.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">They had me roll myself onto my side, placed a bite block in my mouth with a hole in it for them to be able to stick the camera down my throat...then they started inserting the tube down my throat without me being fully sedated...this is where it went to total shit.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I felt like it was forever with them trying to shove the scope down my throat with me trying to move my head from side to side trying to tell them that I was still awake. Someone noticed that something wasn’t right and pulled it out.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Once they took the bite block out, I started bawling and hyperventilating telling them that I was awake... I hadn’t been sedated properly.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">They started a new IV to sedate me again and this one worked.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">They finished the procedures, had me wake up more and then wheeled me out to Eric. After getting in our car, I looked at Eric and lost it... I broke down like I had never broke down before. I told him about what happened through panicked sobs...with each word I spoke it took me deeper into the panic.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">He sat and held me while I cried into his chest...while I told him that I felt completely violated from them shoving a tube down my throat...me trying my hardest to get it to stop but no body was hearing me.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">When we got back home I wrote and sent the following letter.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">Letter to location </font></span></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">To whom it may concern</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">I just left the XYZ location for an endoscopy and colonoscopy, and am extremely unhappy with the experience due to lack of attention to me as a person, not just a number being sent through the line.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">The nurse who hooked me up to the IV, unknowingly missed my vein, so when I was back in the room to begin the endoscopy, I was NOT asleep from the IV medicine because the IV was NOT in a vein. She didn’t draw blood from the vein to make sure she actually hit a vein. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">For what it is worth, I receive MRIs and scans every 3 months, so I know how easy it is for the IV giver to draw back to make sure there is blood return to make sure the IV is in an actual vein.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">As soon as they started putting the camera down my throat, I was gagging and coughing trying to tell them that I WAS AWAKE. I am not sure how long they were trying to force the camera down my throat before someone heard me say, “I AM STILL AWAKE.”</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">They immediately stopped, pulled the camera out, and started a new IV.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">But my question is, is there not a system in place to double check to make sure the patient is actually out before going forward? I feel like, they were in such a hurry to keep the line moving, this extremely important step was overlooked.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">I have had many traumatic health events in my life, yet I have never left feeling disappointed/neglected in the care I have received.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">I am writing this for several reasons: one, I am extremely upset and feel traumatized from this, two, I don’t want the speed of getting things done to compromise the care and safety of the patients, three, to be assured that what happened doesn’t happen in the future, to myself or others. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">With that in mind, I need to receive a response on why there aren’t more consistent checks on the patients at the beginning of the procedure to make sure they are not still aware/awake. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Even a simple “are you awake” question would have prevented this issue.</font></span></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">If there are already procedures to make sure the patient is properly under anesthesia, I similarly need a response as to why they weren’t followed, or failed in my case. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">I wish I did not need to write this letter, but as I am still reeling from the experience, I need to receive a response in order to begin to deal with the trauma I have received.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">I hope to hear from you soon with a written response.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">Sincerely, </font></span></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><font size="5">Renee Sendelbach</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Thursday </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I received 3 calls from different people from the center checking on me, apologizing and telling me that this had never happened. I was told they were going to change the process to ensure that the patient was actually properly sedated.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I was in a constant state of panic. </font></span></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I think I took more Ativan that week than I had in the past year.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Friday</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Was more of the same as Thursday...panic attacks, Ativan, crying and Eric trying to soothe me.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Saturday </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I woke up in a panic and crying again. Then I started thinking about how a few people who I shared my complaint letter with hadn’t reached out to check in on me and that planted a new seed of being p*ssed and hurt.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">SO, I wrote a b*tchy note to some of my friends telling them that I was very hurt at their lack of concern about me after I shared the letter that I wrote to the procedure center with me telling them what a sh*tty job they had done.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Side note- When I am having a panic attack, I am not able to think rationally. When I am not able think rationally, my anxiety mind easily takes control and I say stuff that I am not proud.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">All I wanted was a check in text, but it all got misconstrued and turned into a bigger sh*t show. (I have since apologized for the way I reacted because I had a picture in my mind about how they would/should react/respond. I now see just because I think someone should react a certain way really doesn’t mean anything because I know I personally don’t always react to situations the way others think I would/should.) </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Later that day a few of them showed up at my door to try to cheer me up, but I freaked out because I wasn’t in a mental state to deal with anything unexpected, so I told them to leave and shut the door...which caused more hurt feelings.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Sunday </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I decided that I wanted to look into legal action to hopefully give me the feeling that I had some control over the situation.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Monday</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I heard back from the law firms we contacted to be told that I didn’t have a case because in Texas it is near impossible to receive compensation for mental distress if I wasn’t physically hurt...that caused another spiral down.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">From that, I decided that I needed to find a therapist who deals with trauma. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I found a group of therapists and one of them had a weekly Tuesday opening starting immediately. We started with talk therapy to get me out of the fight or flight state that I was stuck in.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">We moved on to EMDR about 6 weeks later. (I will write more about EMDR later because I have noticed some great things from it.)</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I honestly don’t remember what we talked about the first few weeks because I was only able to focus on putting one foot in front of the other.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I couldn’t get past the feeling of pure violation... I have never been assaulted in my life, but after talking to someone who has been assaulted she confirmed that the feelings I was having were a lot like her feelings after her assault...violated, scared, mad and untrusting. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I then had to come to terms with the mistrust for the medical community this caused which further freaked me out because I have had to (and still do) depend on the medical community to keep me alive for the past 10 years. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Part 2</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">The following week I decided that I needed to get back on prescription medication for anxiety and depression. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">That was a whole other process in itself. Thankfully I already have a psychiatrist, so I wasn’t starting from square one...but we were starting from square one trying to figure out what Rxs worked best for me.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">At first, I was on Wellbutrin and Zoloft. The Wellbutrin worked well for the depression, but the Zoloft made me sleepy during the day but kept me awake at night... I figured this out by taking it in the morning at first then switched to night.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">After figuring out Zoloft wasn’t for me, I switched back to the Rx I had taken in the past (I don’t remember name). But that one made me twitch at night... I would wake myself and Eric up from the twitching. With me not able to get a good night sleep, I felt even worse.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">So my doctor switched me to XYX. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">The combination of Wellbutrin and XYZ had no crazy side effects, so I was with the new Rxs. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">It took a few weeks for the Rxs to really start working to their fullest, but little by little, I started to feel better... I wasn’t breaking down at the smallest of things, I wasn’t replaying the same scenarios in my mind, and I could talk about the event without totally breaking down.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">With weekly talk therapy, new head meds, light exercise (I tried to what I was doing before but it seemed to raise my anxiety), I was finally feeling much better!</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I was good for about 3 weeks until I got my second vaccine. The vaccine sent my immune system into overdrive (which it is supposed to) but for me, that caused me to have a GVH flair.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">The flair started as a normal flair, dry eyes, dry lady parts, constant headache, and extreme fatigue. Then the it turned into a massive flair and went to my left eye... my eye was swollen shut, felt like I had sandpaper in my eyelid, was super blurry and looking at any kind of screen literally made my eye close because it was so sensitive. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><img id="id_ac4e_b092_446b_c148" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/VO417PVlV4cIy2J6Co1gsW_11tryuSt0FhF1GrXEHnuTcHqwEnBkRx919uah3SQS_RA" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><font size="5">2 weeks later </font></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><img id="id_a4b7_ec9_ee0c_35d7" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/zi-riGDzyy6tpDLj7Rhz-PuBLRE6Afi-Z1CuXESb_SNt8rIRTHHfa2Fed_-XdseuKCc" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><font size="5"><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">3 eye doctor appointments later, 2 Rx eyedrops it is just now getting better. I do have an appointment with an eye specialist tomorrow because it is still sensitive and is still blurry.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">So my friends, that is where I have been...putting myself back together.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Thank you all who reached out to check on me... I do greatly appreciate it.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I hope you have had a better start to your year than the sh*tshow I had.</font></span></p> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-32036046022263426642021-03-17T18:46:00.001-05:002021-03-17T18:46:38.457-05:0010 years Metastatic <p class="p1" style="margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-weight: bold;"><img id="id_e906_2101_ac6d_b422" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/jQRN-J6h20pjQK3DXtI7TQKimZsyIjaarmM8yUqv2Y9GCuQcHTGRsA0_a-NLtoah89w" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br></span><font size="5"><br></font></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-weight: bold;"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-weight: bold;"><font size="5">10 years metastatic </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Today marks 10 years since I was told the stage 1 breast cancer had metastasized to stage 4 breast cancer (MBC)* a mere year and a half after finishing treatment for stage 1 Triple Negative breast cancer.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I will never forget the day Dr. H told us that the cancer was not only back but had grown and had taken up residence in my bones and lungs. I honestly had no idea that was even possible...not going to say no one told me that it was possible because I am sure that they did tell me this but I choose to not hear it. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">So when I heard that the survival rate was around 3-4 years, I once again chose not to hear it (yes, I am fiercely stubborn).</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">The first line treatment was Abraxane and lasted 3 months until the cancer outsmarted the chemo and the tumor in my lungs started to grow more...a lot more.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Because the chemo wasn’t working, I was then put on carboplatin + gemzer + a trial PARP and 6 weeks later, the scans showed No Evidence of Disease (NED)!</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I was in shock when Dr.H told me this and in even more in shock when she told I didn’t get to stop chemo. (YES... I honestly thought that when I heard NED, I would also hear “no more chemo” - I was wrong...way wrong.)</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">This is where it really set in that MBC was a whole different beast than lower stages and some kind of treatment was always going to be needed.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I stayed on that 3 part combo until my blood counts couldn’t recover even after multiple blood transfusions. After Dr.H worked it out with the trial, it was decided that I could stay on just the PARP to see how I did.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I continued to receive NED scans, gathered my strength back and was thinking life with MBC was no problem. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">——————</font></span></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">That was, until September, 2012 when I had a seizure while out shopping with my son...it was so scary to see the fear in his sweet eyes and me not knowing what was going on. After a quick call to Dr. H, we went to the hospital for an MRI when I was told that I had a mass growing in my brain. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I had brain surgery a few days later where the doctor found a sack of fluid and solid tumor “together” (still not 100% sure what that meant) about the size of a walnut.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Recovering from that surgery was difficult because of the steroids. I developed steroid psychosis and had to go to back to the hospital for a few days to get it straightened out. Thankfully I got it under control and was ready to continue on.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">A few weeks later, I was having panic attack after panic attack and was convinced that the tumor was growing again...went in for MRI...and it was growing again.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">So not even 4 months after the first brain surgery I was going back in for a second brain surgery. This one again found the same type of triple negative breast cancer in my brain.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">The second surgery left me without feeling in my right foot and a hand/arm thing...I hold my right forearm up to my chest vs down by my side. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I had to use a walker after that surgery until I could learn to trust that my leg was actually there and still worked since I couldn’t feel it. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I had to teach myself how to drive with both feet because I couldn’t/still can’t move my right foot to the break...me and my mom started with me driving in a church parking and slowly progressed. I still don’t like to drive because the mental energy it takes me...it exhausts me.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">All was going good for 6 months until one day I was out shopping for my birthday and my right leg felt more numb and heavier than normal. I instantly knew something was up, so I called Dr. H and once again, an MRI confirmed something was up...the tumor was back in the exact same spot.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Back in for brain surgery #3 within 9 months.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">When I woke up from the 3rd surgery, I looked at my husband and told him that it was all good...that I felt like the tumor was gone! And it was and has stayed gone since May, 2013!</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I started the oral chemo Zometa. This chemo came with odd side effects...blisters/thick painful bottom of the feet, exhaustion and my finger prints peeled off. (I still can’t use the finger print scans for my devices.)</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">All was going good until June, 2016 when I was diagnosed with a secondary cancer of MDS (pre-leukemia). The best way to treat MDS was a bone marrow transplant to which I was so extremely lucky/fortunate/blessed (I don’t like to use that word <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>blessed because I think about all the others in this situation who it wasn’t like that for them...then I spiral wondering why was I blessed but not others). But “Be The Match” found a match for me in a few short months. This was huge because sometimes it takes years for a match to be found.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">The bone marrow transplant was hands down the hardest thing I have ever gone through...4 straight days of heavy duty chemo, the transplant day, and around day 12 after transplant the hardcore side effects started and lasted about 8 weeks. </font></span></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">It took me a long time to feel good again, but it came!</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I do still have graft vs host flairs from transplant, numb foot (yes, sometimes it still surprises me that I can’t feel my foot), sleep at least 10 hours a night, anxiety and depression, and other lasting baggage from those 10 years.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">BUT here I am, LIVING 10 years metastatic and 4 years post transplant! </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">*Metastatic breast cancer and Stage 4 breast cancer are the same thing. MBC is when breast cancer travels to a different part(s) of the body outside the breast. The most common places the breast cancer travels to is the lungs, liver, bones and brain</font></span></p> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-35402954980934481572021-03-06T20:25:00.001-06:002021-03-06T20:25:20.958-06:00Dealing with Depression <img id="id_b456_c578_c826_606f" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/9npkiVAIyRBIsQgESyaOc_sF7Ii7am-65yHp5s7dF660rXPshdLO03XcC4DrjMLVxjQ" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br> <div><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 28px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-weight: bold;">Dealing with Depression </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Since I wrote about noticing the depression creeping in a few days ago, I also started doing my list of things that I know help me...</font></span></p><ul class="ul1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Talk therapy (from this, I am learning how to look at my emotions from an unattached place and sit with them...ask them what they are trying to tell me vs me trying to shut them up as quickly as possible because sitting with them is hard and uncomfortable.)</font></span></li><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">daily score (I score my mood throughout the day (not in a bad way...it is nice for me to have a tangible number). If I notice a lower score for a few days in a row, I look into what might be happening and adjust accordingly. I would like to note this isn’t always the case if depression is deep...if it is deep, I call my doctor to decide if I need to tweak my medicine.</font></span></li><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Can I name what it is making me feel the depression (if yes I can name it, I ask myself what it is that I need to not feel depressed...usually it is that I need to love myself more)</font></span></li><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">If I can’t name what is making me feel depressed, I remind myself that feeling sad is ok and I will eventually turn the corner just like I have all the other times in the past.</font></span></li><li class="li3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I try my best to find one moment of joy in my day.</font></span></li></ul><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">Once I start doing the above, I can start to feel the depression easing its grip on me...kinda like a dense heavy fog slowly lifting up. Sometimes it takes a day or two, sometimes it takes a few weeks before, sometimes it goes up and down like a roller coaster. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s2"></span><br></font></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"><font size="5">I want to share this with you because in the past,I have been ashamed of depression, and I am learning/realizing that I didn’t do anything to cause it and I am working on it, so there is nothing to be ashamed of.</font></span></p></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-18586525156333508042021-03-05T19:55:00.001-06:002021-03-05T19:55:03.274-06:00Practice the pause<p class="p1" style="margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 28px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-weight: bold;">Practice the pause </span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 28px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-weight: bold;"><br></span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 28px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-weight: bold;"></span><img id="id_345_4149_367d_ae9" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/L1oiCE4qfCJAgavv9oiNurftCsPGxj3LAV7nE2mUjDiAGtr2e75qZJ_YyTSAWGOQYhI" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">Something I have been working VERY hard on...pausing before reacting...pausing before saying something harsh (either to myself or others), pausing to ask myself if the reaction I want to give will sit well with me 5 minutes later...</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">From me practicing the pause, I have learned a lot about myself...99% of my initial reactions used to be a reaction from a place of fear...fear I would look weak, fear I wasn’t being taken seriously, fear I wasn’t enough...</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">So much fear has been hiding in all the stories I have attached myself to...stories that weren’t and still aren’t true.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">But by practicing the pause, I have been able to catch the words that I so wanted to spit out to prove that I was right, to spit out to make myself feel better, to spit just because I could.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">From practicing the pause, I am gaining so much compassion for myself and others in those few seconds between my initial thought and deciding how I want to react vs just reacting.</span></p> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-22442221764165536112020-04-16T12:36:00.001-05:002020-04-16T12:36:29.586-05:00My Why’s <img id="id_6413_352c_5814_f82b" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/jglYMtvVCT3jkE3R47gQXCJnwl49wqoQX7HWCD2QcDNhyN25ZmWNT54VfZryiVY" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 22px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-weight: bold;">Why it matters to me </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">I have thought long and hard about how to write this, and I finally feel like I have captured my truth.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">I have noticed a trend that tears my heart up...people seeing issues in the world that don’t directly effect them so they easily write it off as “not my problem.”</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">Or people saying they didn’t cause the problem, so “not my problem.”</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">Or people who have found success believing they did it ALL on their own without help from anyone.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">Or now with the virus... I feel like so many people who are healthy don’t see the need to stay home because after all, they are healthy and believe that they don’t “deserve” to be treated like they are part of the problem.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">But here is how I look at these outlooks of “not my problem” or “you should have made better life choices” or “sorry for you” mentalities... I look at these thoughts in reference to my life...the fact that I am still f-ing alive because so many people used their lives on bigger things than themselves.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">I look at all the doctors in my life. They wanted better for the collective...they all had/have a desire to do something for humanity...they put in YEARS of their lives to be able to save my life.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">I look at the 26 year old stranger who donated his bone marrow to me. He had nothing to gain from him donating his bone marrow to me. He didn’t/doesn’t know me, didn’t know that at the time I was a 36 year old mom of an 8 year old. He knew none of that yet still signed up for the process that included daily injections for 5 days of filgrastim (increases the number of blood forming cells) then one day of donation and up to 7 days of recovery. ALL of this...without knowing me but to save my life.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">I look at the medication that I have needed to help me heal, help my body fight cancer, help my mind find peace from anxiety and depression...all the effort that went into figuring out the formulas for all of it.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">I look at when my mom went back to school when I was in 6th grade and how we used food stamps for 2 years to make ends meet. How the help we needed was provided to us without questions...without judgment...without making us feel guilty.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">I look at all the people who take time to teach others their crafts without the expectations of payment...they teach because they truly want to better others with what they know.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">I look at it all with a soft heart knowing that I would not be where I am at without help from others.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">I want to ask you a favor...next time you see someone who needs help (maybe someone on the street asking for a dollar or someone needing a little more explanation to understand what you are trying to explain) I want to ask you before judging their current situation, to instead remember a time when you needed help and that help was given to you.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">I want to ask you to walk down from your ivory tower and realize all the hands that helped build said ivory tower.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">These are my why’s...my why’s of why I will always try to help others...because without the help from others I would not be where I am at today.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-66566555251788365592020-04-14T14:01:00.001-05:002020-04-14T14:01:49.379-05:00Permission to call me out <p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><font size="5">A long time ago, my husband and I gave each other permission to call each other out...</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><font size="5">We can call each other out on our own BS.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><font size="5">Some of the things we call each other on is hard to both be the caller of or the receiver of...seeing your sh*t is hard BUT necessary.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><font size="5">These past few days I have been letting anxiety clench me in it’s jaws...yes, I realize I am being dramatic.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><font size="5">But after some self-reflection journaling, meditation, a talk about the monsters in my closet with my husband, and taking a hard look at what I am or am not doing to contribute to the anxiety or the soothing of it, I have decided that I am done rolling around in my mind...rolling around in my self pity...rolling around in the 500 yards of sh*t because I have already crawled through miles of sh*t and deep down I know what I need to do to get through this.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><font size="5">I am going to stop dwelling in what was because what was isn’t what is and the more I try to hold on to what was, the more strife I am causing myself. </font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><font size="5">I am going to stop dwelling in what sucks about whatever situation I am dwelling in because I realize that by dwelling in the suck, I am adding fuel to the fire instead of dumping water on it to put it out.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><font size="5">I am going to practice more of what I preach with not beating myself up because something isn’t 100% correct or easy and acknowledge that me showing up and doing something...anything is way more than simply sitting back and running scenarios through my mind.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><font size="5">Today has already been SO MUCH BETTER simply because I made the decision to shift my focus...shifted from looking at what was wrong/annoying/hard/lost to intentionally looking for where the light is leaking through and finding cool shapes in the shadows.</font></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1"><font size="5">I hope you can find something fun in the shadows too.</font></span></p> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-8752800974300590952019-12-16T08:31:00.001-06:002019-12-16T08:31:35.561-06:00“Angel Wishes” - new artwork <img id="id_6036_68a9_35a5_8cad" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/zc7ho95k1wRu6zziyovJvNBLmeTWxNdRXZVmfoPJ8ypE-9bS3S3I8Q2c_r8" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br>“Angel Wishes” -1<div><br></div><img id="id_8171_3fcc_970_1da7" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/m8iVBz-XKDd7x8ce0472hhjTiGvfjzbVdZz33Owy8dkc1Ar61nHbib0gDig" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br><div><br><br><img id="id_bb07_ad12_f823_5527" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/7pAFFjQFbahyFe8w2hUFFysdaADpkPTM3p9RQzAWhlWQNXQCaSaG0_xi01k" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 353px; height: auto;"><br><br>“Angel Wishes” -2</div><div><div><p dir="ltr" id="docs-internal-guid-a8388257-7fff-09f5-7739-c35e4279cf15" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></p><p dir="ltr" id="docs-internal-guid-a8388257-7fff-09f5-7739-c35e4279cf15" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></p><p dir="ltr" id="docs-internal-guid-a8388257-7fff-09f5-7739-c35e4279cf15" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I created this series, “Angel Wishes” to enfuse your space full of sparkly energy.</span></p><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><p dir="ltr" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I envision these pieces of art hanging like Angels on your wall sprinkling down Love & Light to you.</span></p><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><p dir="ltr" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I used many, MANY layers of acrylic paint to build up the layers of texture on the canvas, along with a variety of different brushes and application techniques to add even more depth and texture.</span></p><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><p dir="ltr" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The piece is then sealed with a satin finish.</span></p><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><p dir="ltr" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Angel Wishes”</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">20x20 inches</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">$444 (S&H INCLUED)</span></p><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><p dir="ltr" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you have additional questions or would like a few more pictures, please let me know.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ReneeInCancerLand@gmail.com</span></p><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> </div></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com62tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-16472920602576121122019-11-19T17:53:00.001-06:002019-11-19T17:53:54.790-06:00Goodbye Sam<p class="p1" style="margin: 0px 0px 3px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 22px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="font-size: 17px;">I went to a remembrance ceremony for my friend Sam.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">I don’t exactly remember when I first met Sam, but I know it was at a BCRA Stage 4 group meeting. We grew closer over this past year after losing another friend from our group when we leaned on each other.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">She was a spunky lady who was not afraid to tell it how it is...probably why we got alone so well!</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">She was prepared for her passing and put together her service - which was so lovely.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">“The end of a life is the sum of the Love that was lived in it. Being here for all the moments of Love has blessed me beyond measure.” Sam wrote.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">I think this sums up life beautifully - it is truly all about Love - the Love we give and receive, the Love God has for each and every one of us. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">Sam also wrote, “Please don’t think or say I lost the battle or war. I am a Cancer Lifer! I didn’t choose this but I tried hard to stay longer. I live, I died, I still Loved - and I found Love stronger than ever.” </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">I absolutely love this and want to share it with you - you don’t have to have metastatic breast cancer to truly know how freaking precious and wonderful Life truly is.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">To you my friend.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">I will see you up there one day.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2"></span><br></p><p class="p3" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s2">Love you</span></p> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-29713694136353799262019-09-30T19:35:00.001-05:002019-09-30T19:35:22.395-05:00“Oh, but not me”<p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">“Oh, but not me”</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I was 30 years old when I was told, “I’m sorry, but you have breast cancer.”</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">It is crazy how fast a few new facts being thrown at you can completely derail you from your path.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">That day in September, 2008, the facts told to me were:</span></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I had triple negative, grade 3, Stage 1 breast cancer.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I clung to what I thought I knew as facts...I was young, I caught it early...all should be good to go after it was all said and done.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I made it through chemo, surgery & radiation just as planned...just as the facts had be presented to me...keep your head down, push through the hard & all will be back to normal.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">But there was a problem with my facts...I didn’t pay attention to ALL the facts about breast cancer because I thought, “NOT ME!”</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">I thought those statistics didn’t apply to me...HA! If we could actually just ignore what we don’t want to know and make the facts go away!?!? Sorry to burst your bubble, but it doesn’t work that way...believe me, I tried to hide from the facts for a long time.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">But when the breast cancer metastasized to my lungs & bones, the fact that 30% of breast cancer comes back at Metastatic Breast Cancer hit me hard.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">When I lost my first breast cancer friend, the fact about the average survival rate is a mere 30 MONTHS after diagnosis hit me harder.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">When I ended up in the ER due to a seizure caused by a growth in my brain, is when I realized that fact about breast cancer moving to the brain was indeed true.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">When I kept losing friends to Metastatic Breast Cancer, the fact that more than 115 people in the US alone die daily from MBC cut me deeper with each and every friend’s funeral I attended. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">For some reason, I am beating the facts...I am beating the odds of the facts. I don’t know fore sure why me, but I believe it has something to do with the trial I was able to be in for my second line of treatment for MBC. It is this reason I am so passionate about funding for research...it is research that is going to change the playing field for MBC.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Because of this, I beg of you one thing...please know where your donation dollars go. I get it, it is exciting and fun to be a part of a big event, but PLEASE know what those big events fund...here is a hint...it isn’t much research at all...if any.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">The facts are the facts; 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer. Of those 1 in 8, 30% are diagnosed with Metastatic Breast Cancer. 40,000 Americans die EVERY YEAR from MBC. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Those stats haven’t changed at all over the past 20 years. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">We are all aware about breast cancer. </span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p1" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;">Can you please help me spread the facts...we need more research if we ever expect these statistics to change. Because the truth is...pretending it can’t happen to you or a loved one is not going to stop it from happening.</span></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p><p class="p2" style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com39tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-10526458469217297612019-09-07T12:35:00.001-05:002019-09-07T12:35:28.830-05:007 years later
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">7 years</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I sometimes forget all the crazy that has happened here in Cancerland over my 11 years as a resident here...like that it was 7 years ago today that I had my first brain surgery due a tumor in my brain caused by Metastatic Breast Cancer. (YES - Metastatic breast cancer can/does grow in other parts of the body.)</font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">7 years.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="font-size: x-large; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">7 years.</span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">It has to sink in with me too.</font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Eric took me to the ER because I lost control of my right foot while Ian and I were out running errands. My foot was heavy & wasn’t responding to my brain telling it to do stuff.</font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">After a quick MRI, I remember the ER doctor’s eyes when he came in to tell us what was going on. His eyes were kind & filled with sadness. As he was telling us I that I had a large tumor about the size of a tennis ball in my brain, I crumbled in Eric’s arms. We sat there and listened to him telling us the tumor was most likely caused by breast cancer that moved to my brain. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">This was a TOTAL SHOCK to me being as I had conveniently buried my head in the sand from the facts of MBC...that it can spread to the brain. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Fast forward to 3 days from the ER visit.</font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I remember waking up from that surgery so scared & uncertain about everything.</font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I remember laying the hospital room alone (between family & friends I didn’t have much alone time) so this break from outside noise & chaos was a welcomed break. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I vividly remember having a conversation with Jesus in my hospital room. He pulled up a chair close to my bed and He sat with me & listened to me. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I told Him I was scared. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I told Him I was pissed off at Him.</font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I told Him how unfair all this sh*t was. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I asked Him why me. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="font-size: x-large; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I cried my eyes out begging for my life to continue on here on earth.</span><span style="font-size: x-large; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I remember Him clasping my hands & engulfing me in His white light...not like I was about to die white light, but the most calming & peaceful serenity feelings filled my heart & soul. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Then He was gone.</font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I have never told anyone about this...not sure why. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I guess I didn’t want any follow up questions about it - like did He say I was going to be fine? Was I going to die? Am I going crazy? What did it mean?</font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I didn’t and still don’t have answers to all those questions.</font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">But here I am...7 years later.</font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">In these past 7 years I have learned so much, but I think most important lesson I have learned is to absolutely 100% to keep going. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Keep putting one foot in front of the other - even when you have NO idea where it is you are going, you MUST keep going. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Even if you are taking steps backwards. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Even if you are marching in place. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Even if you trip over your feet.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="font-size: x-large; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">YOU HAVE TO KEEP GOING.</span><span style="font-size: x-large; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"> </font></span></p> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com34tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-72048286567977637882019-08-12T19:29:00.001-05:002019-08-12T19:29:33.692-05:00The fall
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">The Fall</font></span></p><p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">About 10 weeks ago, I fell.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Hard.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I was at the Domain taking something back, and I didn’t have my walking stick with me because I was feeling great, confident - ready to take on the world.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I had to step up a curb to get to where I was going. I stepped up with my left foot & brought my right foot up and didn’t clear the curb.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Down I went.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">My right knee hit the ground first, then my right hand which jacked up my shoulder.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I quickly got myself up, went to do the errand I was there for then went to my car and cried. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I was crying for may reasons. One... because it flipping hurt, but more so I was crying because I was shaken up...bad.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Not being steady on my feet is still something I really struggle with...even before the fall.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Because of this, I still physically struggle on a daily basis. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Stairs - I can sidestep up stairs leading with my left foot but it takes a BIG mental and physical toll on me. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Uneven ground - I can’t walk on uneven ground without help...either my walking stick or a hand to hold.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Driving - I drive with 2 feet. I can’t get my right foot from the gas to break quickly. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Bending over - just something about the thought of me toppling over gives my anxiety. I can semi squat, but I don’t feel comfortable bending over.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I didn’t realize how much the fear from the fall was still effecting me until a few weeks ago when I was at therapy. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">When I told her that I had fallen, I burst into tears.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">It just reiterates the facts of my current life...facts I sometimes try to forget...but they are the facts.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">And I don’t want to sound unappreciative of the HUGE facts...I am still alive & doing great. But I am also not going to lie and say I don’t miss the physical things I used to be able to do. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I was starting to feel a little more steady, but I still pretty apprehensive. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">And after meeting with my new brain oncologist last week, she suggested I go back to PT to regain confidence. So, next week I will be starting PT again. Which I am honestly looking forward to.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span class="s1"></span><br></p> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-46669484170080737112019-08-05T10:30:00.001-05:002019-08-05T10:30:44.767-05:00Learning to live again
<p class="p1"><span style="font-size: x-large; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I like to reflect back on times in my life where some of my biggest lessons came from.</span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Throughout my life, I have watched a few of my closest friends struggle with anxiety and/or depression.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">In my teens and early 20’s, I honestly thought that they should be able to think their way out of depression and/or anxiety...because, well they thought their way there SO why not be able to think their way out?!?!</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1">BIG F-ing EYE ROLL </span><span class="s2">🙄</span><span class="s1"> </span></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">BIG HUGE F-ing vomit on how I sat back and judged something I had zero idea about.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Oh...but I now know why too much about it .</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">The first time I noticed depression and/or anxiety in myself was when I was 23. I had moved to Austin from Amarillo with my then boyfriend. It was about a year after we moved that I couldn’t ignore the empty, lost, hopeless feelings inside of me. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I went to the doctor that time because I had a massive spider bite that I needed her to look at, but as she was leaving the room, I blurted out that I felt depressed. She told me that me telling her this as she was leaving was what they called a “door knob” question (because I waited until she was at the door leaving to bring it up) and I needed to make another appointment so we would have the proper amount of time to talk about.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">So, I went back the next week, and talked to her about what was going on and she agreed, it sounded like mild depression. She wrote me an Rx and luckily I started feeling better quickly.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">However, I remember one of my friends telling me that it was weird that I needed to be on an Rx for depression because I always seemed so happy.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I still carry that comment with me. I still feel like I seem ok that why do I think I need an extra something??</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Somewhere in my head, that comment got turned into, “Am I able to take care of myself? If I can’t take care of my thoughts, how in the hell am I supposed to take care of life?”</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Crazy what my mind let me think.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I stayed on that Rx for about 2 years, until I felt more in control and able to keep it together.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">From the ages 26 - 30 years old, I had a few panic attacks but I always was able to tie them to a certain something so I was ok with them...I thought it was normal to have these panic attacks because they were brought on by certain events.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">At 30, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and somehow kept it together all through chemo treatment, but I cracked wide open when it was time to start radiation. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I couldn’t find peace within me.</font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I couldn’t find trust with myself. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I was a mess. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">My oncologist told me depression after treatment was all too common. She prescribed talk therapy and a Rx. I stayed on that Rx for about 1 year. At that point, I felt like I had a handle on my mental state and got off the Rx.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Then I was diagnosed with Metastatic Breast Cancer and I told my doctor that I knew I needed some help in the mental department too because I was spinning out of control.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Again, I started a new Rx for anxiety.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Over the past 8 years, I have had some massive anxiety attacks...MASSIVE. So unfortunately I am no stranger to out of control meltdowns.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">But about 2 months ago, these anxiety attacks turned into a constant state of fear.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Loud noises. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Crowded places. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Driving. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Making plans. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Anything I perceived as chaos. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">It seemed like any little thing was ripping me apart. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I tried every single trick in the book that has helped me before...nothing seemed to help. The more tricks I tried, the bigger loser I felt like because nothing was working for me.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Being in this heighten state of anxiety was taking a massive toll on me...emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally and probably many other ways I don’t even know.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">It was taking a toll on my husband and son.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I lost count of how many massive meltdowns I have had in the past 2 months. But something in me clicked last week, and I decided that maybe my Rx needed to be changed.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I said a prayer asking for guidance on how to find the right psychiatrist for me. I didn’t want someone who would just give me an Rx... I wanted someone who listened to me, give me concrete things I can work on to help me help myself and to see if needed new Rx.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I LOVE asking Angels to help. I pulled up googs, typed in psychiatrist around me and boom, I felt drawn to a certain name. I called and he had an immediate opening on Wednesday! </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I went in with all my notes Eric and I had put together from the past 2 months and vomited everything out. After more than an hour actually talking, he decided switching my Rx was definitely needed. BUT he also told me that the Rx is only 25% of the puzzle. It is up to me to work with the other 75% of the puzzle. He recommended me doing cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). So off I went with high, HIGH hopes of something being able to change in my anxiety ridden state.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">The following day I had an appointment with my regular therapist. I ran through everything with her and asked her about CBT and she laughed and said that was exactly what we were going to start working on! Again, this is where I believe Angels are totally involved with life when we ask.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">We went through the steps/questions I am supposed to follow after a panic attack. </font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Then we applied the questions to 3 of the most massive attacks I told her about. She showed me how to ask the questions about the panic to myself.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I really feel like this method of looking into the panic to find answers is going to be great for me.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Then she asked me where I see myself in 5 years, and I panicked and started crying. I told her I have no idea because I any time I try to envision me in the future I can only seem to get to 2 years max.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Now I have lots of homework before my next appointment. Figure out who I am & who I want to be AFTER cancer.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I am excited to start down this path.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span class="s1"></span><br></p> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com33tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-83192655861822188472019-06-02T19:08:00.001-05:002019-06-02T19:12:17.279-05:00Universal Hollywood Vacation <font size="5">I am floating on Cloud 9 and a little delirious from being tired...BUT it is so great to be this tired!</font><div><font size="5"><br></font></div><div><font size="5">We just got home from a vacation to Universal Hollywood. We had such a fantastic time!!</font></div><div><font size="5"><br></font></div><div><img id="id_ae58_fc7e_aa4a_29f" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/FMsf2IKkqC0RgIonimpflSRDoi7EMqiPpGAL4nGxXdGUr7QAGjDlQSNxpVk" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_5096_d2d9_12ee_9bb4" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/CBs17r3H8dT35SpUDbdRr4q4y_fUMnSbE-cIkOa-_9WxUXFW_iiphaT57Mc" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br>Most <font size="5">spent a lot of time in the Harry Potter area! We did the rides twice (yes I do the rides!! I had to take a few minutes after each one to let my equilibrium balance.)</font></div><div><font size="5"><br></font></div><div><font size="5">And then a whole lot of time playing games in and looking around in the Simpson area.</font></div><br><div><font size="5"><br></font><img id="id_e026_f606_d803_467" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/CAqYdGBieSJEXC8ppHR9RVi2iwSokPEQ4__Eeksyv4k4CT2JQxR79sXUDOY" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_2c4b_58d4_e0f9_743e" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/T3PFLJ1noykj8Y4xlvgBhgCJIOYyLBesuC3avt3emlfz9npt-hEtpfQIW2U" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_23ae_9560_fc83_a77e" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/GtfF8N2zTZoJsbVZ93-C_XHSoBvjTba5891Yt12MusJcnWBC4HqDBs3vH8M" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_5e63_69ac_7f4b_e8cf" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/D4hvREoPTUEWYbxUsVe5NSThxNH2hm3W7bOE2hem-AH4npmsGZe_MfHMTw8" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_9adf_3e1f_ab55_5f5b" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/dRDQd5QfCb7Y-5b1rTygcZ8OFURyqUiEXWTjcGmux8UpoVPTPbpRC7gb49s" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br>The <font size="5">studio tour was great! We had no idea what to expect...very fun!</font><br><img id="id_fa49_3457_d342_e7c8" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/VHO2n2ogSaCDdAcZnwOqFzA_0IAx6UP8Oob2WDqpg0CkNdmCBxohA9CjrtQ" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_7d7_a072_135a_dcf0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/0NhUHIVL6S2itE2mAX006IVehmAvJP28xbM_I0_DAQgcN8tXZxU_kCYZTBo" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_cd88_c455_3955_e461" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/AnY0ndmCBRwf_Gx_xNYGHewSdDkBD1axT6JPSiF1cJuCWwbpiBgIS6lpixA" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><font size="5">Saturday we did the Hollywood sign and Venice beach...so fun </font><br><img id="id_1924_64d0_8e75_29c7" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/1DiyI6JHFmWoIF3dTDBWe7cMnqgqkIKOkp_2TM2PW18_XOMGZpk4DWZ5LVU" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_2c1c_2feb_824d_438" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/VYEpeDBqOfvd2U8vavIxrIdCBwdD-GKcQden7N6YaK6m9iam6LqFHnp8TDo" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_ce80_d6b9_9705_bfa5" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/36VyJRh2laKccCg3PsPcwz_iLJlj9_99Cq148JE6HySfckiXIprKFo35kg0" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><font size="5">We are now home and ready for the week. I am excited to say that I am not near as exhausted as I thought I would be!! </font></div><div><font size="5"><br></font></div><div><font size="5">Hope you are having a great start to summer too!</font></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-19837185845196675852019-04-24T15:42:00.001-05:002019-04-24T15:42:39.054-05:00Been waiting 2.5 years
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><img id="id_a984_b4cf_30e_eb0a" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/pTTXfJ7KH-zKB0-L19VRJz7bEGUWr1osa7aHGGtyEXy3mbAcmhoYiRQ5CZE" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br></span><font size="5"><br></font></p><p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p><p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">They said, one day I would wake up and just feel good again.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I didn’t know exactly what they meant when they were telling me this because feeling good seemed like such a faraway memory that I hadn’t felt on a consistent basis for 8 years. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">There was no logic...no constant...there was was no way for me to know how I would feel one day to the next. Some days I felt great, then the next day I was in bed all day from over doing it when I felt good. And on my most terrible days, I thought I this whole bone marrow transplant was the worst thing to ever happen to me...even worse than the 3 brain surgeries.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Maybe 6 - 9 months after my transplant, I started having a few more good days compared to the bad days. I still had no control over what days I would wake up and need to fall back asleep for an additional 4-6 hours, or wake up and feel great.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I was having about a 50% average for good days verses not good. There were varying levels for both the feel good and feel bad days. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Some feel good days, I was able to do an errand or two, OR go to the gym, OR lunch with friends, OR paint, OR write, OR watch TV or a movie and actually follow along with the plot. I say OR with such importance because I have to remember where I truly was to completely appreciate where I am now. </font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Some feel bad days, I simply couldn’t get out of bed because I literally had no energy. Think of the flu without body aches...just the pure exhaustion. I always tried to get up in the morning with my husband and son before school drop off, but some days I couldn’t. Other feel bad days I might just sit on my couch and watch TV all day or would be so tired that I couldn’t sleep which would make me nauseous so I would take a phinigrin which would knock out the nausea but also knocked me out.</font></span></p>
<p class="p2"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><span class="s1"></span><br></font></span></p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Than around my 1 year new birthday, my feel good days got a little better... I could do a little more without crashing afterwards. I was still averaging about 50/50 feel good vs not, BUT I had more spunk on fee good days! I still had pretty bad days too, but I was getting used to this and knew after a few bad days, I would bounce back.</font></span></p>
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<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">From this 50/50 point around 1 year post transplant up through today...which is 1 week shy from my 2.5 transplant birthday...have gradually been gaining more energy, more focus, mobility, and overall health.</font></span></p>
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<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I still have bad days, but I think I am at about 80% good days!! Every day is still different on the energy scale, but the energy swings aren’t near as dramatic as they once were and I can kinda tell before I am about to crash and modify whatever I need to in order to avoid a full crash...most of the time.</font></span></p>
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<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Back to what I said at the start of this story, they said one day I would wake up and feel good again... I have stepped into that reality!! </font></span></p>
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<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">It hasn’t been anything like I ever experienced before with all the chemos, radiation and surgeries, so I never knew what to fully expect... I had no personal outline on becoming myself after bone marrow transplant. </font></span></p>
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<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">One major lesson I have learned in these past 2 1/2 years of healing is I have the ability to choose what I focus on. Which in turn, can instantly change your turmoil to inner peace.... or cause a massive inner storm.</font></span></p>
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<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">So what does all this mean?</font></span></p>
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<p class="p1"><span class="s1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">No matter what you are going through, there IS something good to focus on. That something good might be hidden deep in you under years of hurt or sickness but I beg you to keep digging to find your sparkly peaceful energy amongst the layers of life settled on top of it because there IS something good to focus on.</font></span></p> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-28011146729725683962019-03-30T14:48:00.001-05:002019-04-01T08:30:46.933-05:00What creating does for me.<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255 , 255 , 255 , 0); font-size: large;">I have been a crafter/maker for as long as I can remember. I have always drawn inspiration from anything that makes my heart smile.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: large;">The first time I was diagnosed with breast cancer is when I really started to feel an actual NEED for me to create. I felt this need to create after I noticed that while I was creating anything, my mind was at peace. I wasn’t thinking about how bad I felt from the chemo, I wasn’t thinking about all the “what if” stories that were continually running through my head, I wasn’t thinking about what a bad mom I was being to my 13 month old son, what a bad wife I was for all that I had to dump on my husband...I wasn’t thinking about anything at all except being in the moment creating whatever it was I was working on. </span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: large;">And it was those times when my mind wasn’t running all over me that I felt completely at Peace and whole and healthy. </span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: large;">For some reason, after I was “done” with cancer treatments, I stopped creating just for me. I tried to create items that I thought would sell. I thought since I was a stay-at-home-mom, I somehow needed to bring money in. So I thought crafts were what I “needed” to do. I quickly learned that me having to create was not peaceful...AT ALL.</span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: large;">Then I was diagnosed with Metastatic Breast Cancer in 2011, and once again I turned to art for myself as an outlet for my mind to escape for a little bit.</span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: large;">I started creating what I was craving in my world: HOPE. And what brought me Hope was bright, happy, fun, quirky stuff. From this need in my heart, I made my first “Hope Block.” After making some for myself and posting pictures, people started wanting to purchase some for themselves! Next, I had a need to share my go get ‘em attitude, words of advice/love, hope with others and that is how my first “CancerGirl” was born.</span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: large;">Since then, I have kept digging in my heart to ask: what stories, what words of wisdom, what lessons have impacted me the most, what lessons have I had to learn multiple times, what have I worked on to help me with my frame of mind and SO much more.</span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: large;">Now today, March, 30 2019 I have figured out what my next step that my heart as been craving should be: doing more of what absolutely lights my soul on fire! Literally, as I typing this, my heart is beating a little faster and I have this sparkly feeling in my tummy. </span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: large;">So what does that mean? </span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: large;">It means more bright, crazy-fun art that tells a story of Hope, Love, awe at Life, Joy and sparkly feelings. I want my art to be able to inject Joy into the person looking at it no matter what craziness is happening in their world. I want people to gain strength and Hope from my stories, and to know that same strength and Hope is there for them too. </span></span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: large;">I guess to answer my original question, what does creating do for me? </span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="font-size: large;">It allows me to create pockets of all I feel in my heart for others to see and hopefully experience some glittery feeling of their own. </span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-31625101690834152772019-03-15T18:43:00.001-05:002019-03-15T18:43:23.037-05:00Do I actually practice what I preach?!?!<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Do I actually practice what I preach?!?!</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Do you ever wonder if people who are dishing out advice actually practice what they are always preaching about? </font></span></p>
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<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Like with me...do you ever wonder if I practice my mindfulness tactics that I share ALL the time? My positive outlook? Or do you wonder if I am full of sh*t?!?! </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I always wonder what some of the people I follow are really like...not just in the snapshot they post about.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">ANYWAY - a little look into my crazy mind.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">But, I do have a point here about practicing what I preach. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">My positive outlook isn’t about being able to stay in a good mind space ALL the time...I am human....my mind runs out of control ALL the time still, but most of the time I can rain it back in...notice I said MOST of the time and NOT all of the time.</font></span></p>
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<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I have had a pain in my left boob for the past 2 weeks. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">It is a heavy aching pain. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Monday, after pretty much bruising myself trying to feel for a lump, having had Eric feel, I broke down and called H for a referral for a mammogram appointment because I didn’t feel any lumps, no hot spots, no rash, no nipple discharge, no anything abnormal except for an aching.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I was able to schedule a mamo for Thursday.</font></span></p>
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<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Wednesday, scanxeity set in something fierce.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Crazy bad stories were running through my mind. What if scenarios were blowing through my imagination. I was on the fast train of anxiety heading to breakdown. I couldn’t eat, I was waking up in the middle of the night, my stomach was a mess and all the other fun stuff that anxiety likes to bring along.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Thursday I had my 3 month appointment with my oncologist GYN. I asked him if the low dose estrogen he prescribed could possibly be making my boob hurt because I haven’t had a period in over 8 years so my body isn’t used to actually having estrogen side effects...something in my heart told me to ask him even in my mind I sounded crazy! </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">He said absolutely that could be what is causing the aches.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">In that second, I felt in my heart that all is well!</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Seriously, I could feel the vail of fear I had been looking through fall from me.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Hearing from a trusted professional that my oh so hopeful theory very possibly could be what is actually happening and causing the pain, well, I was flipping estatic. I floated up to cloud 9 and was able to stay in that mind space through my mamo and sonogram appointment (I have dense breasts, so needing a sonogram is nothing new to me.) </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Even when a lady came into the waiting clearly upset, I was able to not take on her energy...I was able to firmly stay in my own cloud 9 headspace while I wrote some short stories in the waiting area. (TIP for appointments: take something with you to do that you enjoy...phone scrolling gets old and IF you are in a worried mind space the phone scrolling makes it makes you even more anxious.)</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">After both the tests were done, the tech came back in with a smile...NOTHING TO SEE!!!</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">And when I was walking out, a sweet nurse stoped me because she recognized me from the last time i was in there to see how i was doing...it was great to be able to say that I am doing amazing!</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">So this is to let y’all know that yes, everyone has stress, maybe breakdowns (maybe that is just me?!?!), that unexpected sh*t happens to everyone...that keeping your mind in a good place is a practice. It takes work, dedication, practice, more work, more dedication, more practice...it is a never ending journey. And when you fall off the positive outlook path, know that you can get right back on it with one simple shift in your outlook. One simple change in the story you are telling yourself...it is up to you and you alone to watch/listen to your thoughts and call yourself out on your own bullsh*t! </font></span></p> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-70125646404852820062019-03-10T16:03:00.001-05:002019-03-10T16:10:19.881-05:0042 days of mala meditation<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><img id="id_1ce2_b59c_8ea0_5fac" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-GPeZyexUZYI/XIV9Om-9A6I/AAAAAAAACS0/cGPT6bg9NLEcbcU41TvTMqSFiC2ahgQzwCHMYCw/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I am SO freaking proud of myself for being on day 42 of doing a daily mala meditation. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I have been craving a meditation practice for I don’t know how long. I have started and stopped many different meditation practices before now. I have taken part in the free Oprah 21 days, I have bought different programs, followed other guided meditations, tried color mediation, and many more I can’t even remember now. But none of then stuck. I never felt totally in love with whatever type of meditation I was doing...I never looked forward it...I never craved that time on my meditation pillow.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">That was until my coach Meg told me she wanted me to try doing a mala meditation with the words “ease and flow.” These words were something I said in a conversation with her about I want life to look like. I said, “ease and flow in all I do!” </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">BOOM...there was my mantra I was going to use for my daily meditation. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I told her I NEVER knew it could be THAT simple. I always thought it had to be some long verse of Sanskrit....like what Deepak taught on Oprah’s classes. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">It doesn’t!! </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">It just has to be from the heart and soul!</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">A few things I have noticed about myself in these past 42 days: </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I am calmer. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">When I get pissy about something, I am asking myself to understand why I am pissy MUCH quicker than I did before. I have figured out, it is usually because I am feeling out of control in one area of life and I tend to get pissy with those closest to me (husband and son).</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I have more energy and drive.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I have been knocking stuff off my to-do list like crazy! I have cleaned my art room, gotten rid of several bags of things that were no longer bringing me joy, writing or doing art more, craving healthy food!, seeing more Angel numbers, feel closer to Spirit, and just overall better. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I have more sparkly moments throughout my day!</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">What is a sparkly moment?</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">To me, it is when I literally feel sparkly energy in me. I will explain more later, but for now try to imagine when you FEEL love...like when you how a baby. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Last benefit I have noticed is, I am able to focus and stay focused on a project! </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I am loving these small, but oh so awesome shifts in me.</font></span></p> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-62558176775901853452019-02-20T08:48:00.001-06:002019-02-20T08:48:16.310-06:00Winter Wonderland <font size="5">Wow, wow, wow...we just got home from a Winter Wonderland in Michigan.</font><div><font size="5"><br></font><div><img id="id_b0c7_321e_71ac_8c0b" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-LczCs9Zpeu0/XG1oo4g552I/AAAAAAAACRY/g-8pSgXTg9Ehu9ycn5UaSqWQ9i7zBsBlACHMYCw/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><font size="5"><br></font></div><div><font size="5">The 3 of us went up to Eric’s parents lake house. It was SO MUCH FUN!!</font></div><div><font size="5"><br></font></div><div><font size="5">Saturday and Sunday, Eric and Ian went skiing. Ian took a lesson the first day, then him and Eric were burning down the slopes! I can’t ski with the numb foot and all, so Sunday his parents hauled me to the slopes so I could watch them! </font></div><div><font size="5"><br></font></div><div><img id="id_d45c_fa81_d07e_37de" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-sgSYlpLSXws/XG1opAV9inI/AAAAAAAACRc/CHmfqJK4agcC7rmTesiJwr7lVIzoq5IOgCHMYCw/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><font size="5">Monday, we went snow shoeing and sledding.</font></div><div><font size="5"><br></font></div><div><img id="id_379c_b656_b1cd_1e4b" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-kfcL3MWif1s/XG1opjzk80I/AAAAAAAACRg/K0qgxCIuNK0qO_IrNaOMqzDA-RMQTv_iACHMYCw/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_ce51_c92c_5036_d67a" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-YgLiNztmg_Y/XG1op1iq5WI/AAAAAAAACRk/V1K5ywBL8eIMHZ1nPkPSyAxrrlU2s110QCHMYCw/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><font size="5">My little man On the frozen lake.</font></div><div><br><img id="id_3cdc_f79_564e_2177" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-zDzYUaZBKyQ/XG1oquDLbzI/AAAAAAAACRo/g3PW1_pFKFEUo5Fh0768QG7bAwKW1P5eACHMYCw/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><font size="5">I love this picture of them!</font></div><div><font size="5"><br></font></div><div><font size="5">After snow shoeing, I took a big nap then we were off to sledding. No... I didn’t sled...there was no way I would be able to climb back up! 🤷🏻♀️😂</font></div><div><font size="5"><br></font></div><div><img id="id_3241_362_14a0_1ee0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Vb7c_ZPbwIo/XG1orEy2BAI/AAAAAAAACRs/YzwZTl0pKGweqDB6Bh8SGTnpe1xGGpVewCHMYCw/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_a48f_f777_6f9e_90e6" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-lJJ9eFPbYH0/XG1orSkGk9I/AAAAAAAACRw/f8OdtsO9-a0h_lzEiebMW_qFfoHYcsZOgCHMYCw/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><font size="5">When we left the lake house yesterday, it was -15 outside and when we got home to Austin it was 45...talk about massive change!</font></div><div><font size="5"><br></font></div><div><font size="5">Anyway, we are back home, getting unpacked, and ready for the rest of the week!</font></div><div><font size="5"><br></font></div><div><font size="5">I made it a point to not schedule anything for today and tomorrow for myself. I know myself well enough that after a trip, I need a few down days.</font></div><div><font size="5"><br></font></div><div><font size="5"><br><br></font></div></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-32072184738896388252019-02-13T17:12:00.001-06:002019-02-13T17:12:19.360-06:00Mind chatter - lesson 1<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><font size="5"><br></font></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Over the next few weeks, I am going to be sharing with y’all some techniques I have learned and tweaked over the years to get control over my mind chatter.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I am going to write AND do a video chat about each one. I seem to explain the same activity differently depending on if I am writing or talking 🤷🏻♀️ and I am hoping that with written instruction and talking you through, the little pieces will make your puzzle easier!</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Our first lesson is to start actively listening to your mind chatter. (I know this sounds weird, BUT this is the ground work for so much more....so, DO IT!!)</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Step 1:</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">RIGHT NOW - acknowledge with your self that this is not going to be easy (the concept is simple but learning it is challenging BUT so worth it.)</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I have found that acknowledging this, makes it easier to go easy on myself...ie not get flustered and talk more sh*t to myself for not getting it right away!</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Step 2:</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">set a reminder on your watch/phone for a few times throughout the day.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">When your alarm beeps, STOP what you are doing </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Step 3:</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Observe/listen to your thoughts.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Kinda like when you are sitting at a restaurant and the people sitting at the table next to you are talking loud and it peaks your interest. You start to try harder to listen to what they are saying. (If I am the only one who does this...well now you know more about me... I love to hear stories...from anyone 🤷🏻♀️).</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Step 4:</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">When you notice an “an eye roll” thought, </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">STOP </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Collaborate and listen 😳😂😂 </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Seriously though, as soon as you notice an eye roll thought, gently say stop.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">And replace the eye roll thought with a better thought. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">ANYTHING BETTER...even if it is a tiny bit better.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">*What is an eye roll thought?</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">If someone were to say out loud your thought to you and you would roll your eyes at them because they are being ridiculously hard on themselves.*</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Example:</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">You notice “geez... I look fat” thought</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">YES - EYE ROLL THOUGHT </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Change your thought to SOMETHING you like about yourself.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">My hair looks great today.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">If you cannot say something about your appearance, an easy go-to one is, my breath is beautiful. </font></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Ready </font></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Set</font></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">GO!!</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Let me your thoughts and if you have questions.</font></span></p><div><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"><br></span></div> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-49558506329871355972019-01-31T19:20:00.001-06:002019-01-31T19:20:47.886-06:001/31/19<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">1/31/19</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Today is a first...I am sitting at a Dr. G appointment without Eric.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I had to have Syl drive me to my brain MRI follow-up appointment because Eric had work meetings he couldn’t miss, and my head is foggy from whatever cold/infection I am fighting off. And anytime my body has to fight anything additional, my brain turns to mush. 🤷🏻♀️</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Driving + mush brain = stress for me which seems to intensify everything else.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">She brought a book to wait in the car with, which is good with me. As much as I depend on my friends, I don’t like to bring them all the way into CancerLand. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">It is hard to explain why I let certain people see certain things...I will always write about EVERYTHING, but I don’t want to talk physically talk about everything...does that make sense?!?!</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Anyway, it was weird to not have Eric there.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">But GREAT news is...brain looks great! I still have a hole filled with nacreous (scar tissue) but everything looks great!!!</font></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I still find humor in the fact I have a literal hole in my head...😳😂</font></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><br><img id="id_9f5d_f9d9_13d7_dc97" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-7Q0rC2M0GfM/XFOe7kmzdKI/AAAAAAAACQ0/R4Rom12hViQ47afEw3c2xINNJVHOd-h4ACHMYCw/s5000/%255BUNSET%255D" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 392px; height: auto;"><br><br><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="font-size: x-large; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I am at 5 years and 8 months of NED in my brain! </span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I am so thankful that I am here to keep on keepin’ on.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; color: rgb(69, 69, 69); min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br></p> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com116tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-9581100188824147292019-01-25T19:33:00.001-06:002019-01-25T19:33:35.175-06:00Being ok with being ok<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Written 1/24 & 1/25/19</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Here I am, sitting at Dr. H for my 6 week appointment. As I sit out here in the waiting room, I am telling myself to breathe and send loving light to myself.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I have had an emotional past few days. And a slight headache from crying...it hits me sometimes how not all put back together I am.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">And I wonder if I will ever be put back together better than I am now?</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I have come to the realization that I will never be put back together how I once was...it just isn’t possible. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Too much has happened.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I can’t erase my memories.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I can patch my cracks, but they are still visible. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I never know if my patches will hold...and for how long?</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I realize that the way I have been living in this “other shoe is going to drop” feeling for...well, I don’t actually know how long...at least the almost 8 years living with MBC. Living with that looming over my head has really f*cked with me in more ways than I realized. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I started talking to a new kind of therapist in addition to my normal one. My new one is more of a coach...she gives me assignments to go within and search myself for the answers...this is HARD work. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I don’t know exactly what part of what I have done is what flipped the switch on for my inner flashlight to really shine on my cracks that need some TLC. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">So, with me doing all this inner work has made me more emotional than normal....which I totally get - there is healing that needs to happen. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Anyway I had an appointment with Dr. H. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Something about being there with her, ALL my shields come done...and I mean all...I can’t hide the truth from her...I have tried but something about her makes any shield I have disappear....poof - gone!</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I was in an emotional place anyway from doing all this self-work and seeing her was the straw that broke me all the way open.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">She told me she can’t imagine. She sees how hard it is on me to be both this medical miracle but one who has lost so much while being this miracle. She also told me that I have to remember I have been doing this for 10 years, yet I expect for me to get better in X amount of time. I compared her saying this to something I heard once about relationship breakups - it usually takes at least half the time of what the relationship was to completely heal...and no, I don’t know if that is actually true. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I got home and cried more...I was grieving for all my friends, my self, all that was. BUT somewhere in all that grief, God sent me a life raft to help me back to shore. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I realized how ok I actually am. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">How me being able to reach inside, find a feeling that is hurting me - look at it feeling/story, love it for teaching me something and move on. I can lovingly leave these memories in a special box that I don’t have to carry around with all the time. I can hand that box to my Angels, ask them to hold it for me, and if I want to revisit it...it will be protected and there for me. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I don’t want to erase what has happened...there is NO WAY I would be where I am now without all that has happened.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Oh, and I got bumped up to 2 months in between appointments!!</font></span></p> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-56554978893453279222019-01-19T19:13:00.001-06:002019-01-19T19:13:08.533-06:00Prospective <p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Prospective </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">It is crazy to me how our prospective can instantly change anything.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">From yesterday:</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I went over to visit K’s husband today to deliver some art and to visit with him because I haven’t gone to see him or sat down and really talked to him since K’s passing.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I tried not to cry.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I didn’t want him comforting me. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I wanted to be the one helping him...ha - that didn’t work. Per my normal, my heart is worn on my sleeve and I cried...just a little...that is just me. 🤷🏻♀️</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Funny thing though, he told me he was about to edit one of my posts the other day because my grammar was no bueno. 😳😂</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">For any of you who didn’t know, K would ALWAYS go back and edit my posts on the Lifer page because I am not a proofreader... I type and hit publish...yes, I do that here too.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">BUT after being over at K’s, it hit me how not okay I am with missing her.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I try to put it in perspective by telling myself that she isn’t in pain, she is perfectly Whole and happy watching down on us.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">It is still hard.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">That brings me to earlier today, when I was texting with my neighborhood honeys about one of the kids losing their phone. As always, all of us moms have something to say about everything we tell each other.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I usually always side with the kids - it was an accident and sh*t happens. And let’s not all get crazy until we figure out while story.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Anyway, the lost phone was put in prospective after my time with K’s husband. </font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">We can too easily put so much energy getting worked up over trying to fix things we have no control over. Yes, the lost phone sucks, BUT in the grand scheme of things, it is no big deal...and we moms are all still alive, healthy and able to be b*tching about it.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Oh, and the phone was returned!</font></span></p><div><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"><br></span></div> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6234296525052469102.post-47427714271821205502019-01-16T13:00:00.001-06:002019-01-16T13:00:41.202-06:00Today - MRI<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">No matter what I do to prepare myself for scans, the second I walk into ARA my heart starts beating faster and my breathing becomes shallow.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">As I sit here writing this, I am intentionally paying attention to my breath....in and out, in and out and visualizing the excitement I will feel when I get the MRI results back.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">————-</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">I am now home and am exhausted with a contrast headache. Contrast is basically a fancy dye they give by injection. And yes, I always get headaches.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">BUT there was a new MRI guy who is a rockstar! He got my IV needle with the FIRST stick! Yes...that is a rarity. I told him he was AWESOME and he told me he used to work with children getting MRIs. He is an Earth Angel.</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">While I was laying in the MRI machine, I was visualizing my Angels holding hands around me and a soft sparkly light in my healthy body all while saying “thank you for every little cell in my body being healthy and well.”</font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5"><br></font></span></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font size="5">Now, I wait for my results. I don’t see Groves (brain Oncologist) until 1/29 or H until 1/24. H always calls me after my body scans, but my brain scans are crazy to read because of all the scar tissue, so I usually don’t get the results until at Groves. I will ask H to try to read...we will see!</font></span></p><div><span style="font-family: ".SFUIText"; font-size: 17pt;"><br></span></div> Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04448303979752354370noreply@blogger.com2