A fine line...

I have between feeling great and doing too much and being exhausted. I felt fantastic this morning and went over to Amanda’s to help her do a few things – oh and to hold babies! She left to get us lunch and when she got home, she asked me if I was spoiling her babies? And yeap, I was! For those who don’t know, my friend Amanda had twins a little over 6 weeks ago and they are so sweet. It is amazing to me how small they are still – a little over 7 pounds, which they have grown a ton and are doing great, but I never knew Ian that small. He was 9 pounds when he was born, so it felt like I was holding a baby doll.

I got home around 3:00 and have since totally crashed. It is so aggregating to me to feel so good but not be able to do what I normally do. I KNOW I am going through treatment, but I don’t feel “sick” so it is really hard for me to wrap my head around me being this tired. And there are so many things I enjoy doing and want to do a little of everyday, but I literally can’t or I will crash and burn.

So, here I am, like a zombie robot, my body hurts from being tired and me trying not to beat myself up for being tired when my boys get home, for me not unloading the dishwasher, and trying to understand this line I will inevitably cross again during this whole treatment because I am stubborn and I don’t learn things the first time around or I think I can do the same thing and somehow change the outcome. I need to understand the outcome will be the same if I push too hard.