Project Sending Love

This is it – this is the big project I have been “talking” about when I kept saying I had something in the works. I 100% feel this is one of my big to dos in this life – I believe God has tasked me with this – to help others and myself send love out into the world – one person at a time.
This idea has been in my head since the start of my diagnosis the first time. It has evolved through many stages, it has been pushed to the back burner and completely off the stove several times, but it just wouldn’t go away. My heart always held a piece of this idea no matter what I tried to do instead.

What is sending love? It is simple – it is a way for me, you, and everyone to write thoughts, feelings, kind word, and love for others down and send it to them.

From the ProjectSendingLove blog:

After both diagnosis’s, I received the most heartfelt cards from friends and family. These cards were filled with words of love, kindness, joy, hope and prayers. I honestly think this love helped carry me through cancer with flying colors!

Why do we wait to tell each other how much we love one and other, how important someone is to us and what an impact the person makes on our lives and the world until a tragedy strikes?

What if we all started sharing the love, kindness, joy and prayers that we think about others in our hearts all the time with those we are thinking about? How special and important would they feel? How could that love for each other change the world? I am not sure, but I have to see.

It is easy to get caught up in the idea of “how” do I tell others that I love them, respect them, that they are very import to me, to the world. But the how is the easiest part – open your heart and love. You can’t run out of it and the more you give, the more you have to give and the more you get. Crazy little thing God gave us – the ability to love.

Sending Love is such a simple idea and even simpler to do: write your love for others down on a postcard and send it.

“Be the change you want to see in the world” ~ Gandhi

I am tired of talking all this talk - now it is time for me to walk the walk.

A healed heart

A heart can break

and a heart can heal –

will heal.

Though

the healing process

puts the heart back together

The heart

can never be put back together

exactly the way it was

before

it broke



Some pieces

might be left out

Some pieces will be

arranged differently

Some new pieces will be added



A heart can break

A heart can heal –

No matter what

a healed heart

changes people


This is another one I wrote sometime last year – I am guessing. I know you might wonder how I have NO idea when I actually wrote these but I put them all on one page and saved it like that.


I do remember writing this one though. I had just been put on my anti-depressant after treatment and was starting to feel “normal” again but I noticed that me, my normal, my everything was different. Not a bad different – just different from before…but why wouldn’t I be different – I grew, I healed, I conquered. I can’t wait to see how this broken heart heals.

Realizations

I realized something big last night – well a few things actually.


I realized my friends can put things into perspective that I can’t do for myself.

I realized I go down the slippery sloop of eating and drinking badly way too fast.

I realized Eric has the right to watch me like a hawk on my eating – I would be all over his a*s if the roles were reversed.

The story from these realizations:

We did an impromptu dinner last night at North to celebrate my awesome scans after our neighborhood rally for better pool hours – yes, I feel like such an activist….not really but I could see myself doing that!

Anyhow, after my splurge on 2 pieces of garlic bread, 2 pieces of extra thin pizza (yes, I threw extra thin in there for my benefit), and several glasses of wine (just going with several here because I am not sure the “real” number), I realized after we got home and my feet were super swollen – that this isn’t good for me…not at all, not once in a while, not anytime – this sh*t is bad for me. An odd little fact about me – when I eat badly, i.e. sugar and carbs - my feet swell. I think a lot of people’s do – I always check out other’s feet/ankles (yes I am VERY ODD) to see if they are swollen and I notice that overweight people’s feet especially are usually swollen. This is not good – it means the body is inflamed and is working too hard to get it back to where it should be….just a little tid bit for ya.

Before Eric met us at North, I was telling Gina & Sylvia that Eric is going to be up my a*s about my diet from now on. And Sylvia looked at me (and I knew something was coming!) and said, and why wouldn’t he - he has every right to be – you are his life, his world, his everything….he wants you here forever. And it hit me – hard, that she is SO right. He does have the right to give me that look if I am eating something bad, he does have the right to say sh*t to me about that second glass of wine – he has a huge right. And if the roles were reversed, I would be all over him all the time. We all have a right to expect our spouses to be the healthiest they can be for us, for our children, for our lives – we have that right to ask that of our spouses.

After talking with Eric when we got home (yes, I might have been a little tipsy!) I realized I need to just say good-bye. Good-bye to wine, good-bye to bread, good-bye to my “one offs” because those one offs can lead me down a slippery sloop of oh, just tonight, then a week later…oh, just tonight, then a few days later…oh, one more time, then before I know it boom – I am eating like cr*p all the time and drinking too much wine all the time.

So this is my good-bye to “that” stuff….with a big ole shoulder shrug. It has to be done….I see how my body reacts to it. Do I want to live life without wine, bread and sugar?? Well not really, but I know I want to live more than the moment of pleasure those bring. I mean, I guess crack brings a moment of pleasure but all in all, I am pretty sure it isn’t good for you.

I have to remember food is just food – it can’t take away my pain, it can’t make me happy, it can’t comfort me - it can’t do anything for me except fuel my body – and I want this body to be cancer free forever, so I need to do my part too.

Drum roll please………

So I just got a call from my Dr. H’s office. It was at 1:40 this afternoon – not long away. And I got my results – you curious at all??
EXCELLCENT!!!!!!!!!! Is what the nurse said as soon as she told me who was calling! She said it was written all over my chart – HELL YES it is written all over my chart!!!

Ian, Aunt Tammy and I were walking through JC Penny to get to our car after a long morning at swim class and then to the mall for carousel ride, train ride, bounce house and lunch – makes me tired just thinking about it all. I had my phone with me all morning, willing it to ring. Then when I was done thinking about it – trying to get us out of the mall and home it rang. I about hit the ceiling when it rang – like I hadn’t been waiting for it all morning! The only other time I waited for a call like this was when I was waiting to hear from the breast surgeon for my results the first time.

We stopped in the middle of JC Penny. Tammy and I were both holding our breath. I heard the word EXCELLCENT – I yelled, I danced and then Tammy and I cried.

SO, here is what I “heard”….we will know 100% what is going on next Friday.

What is GONE – the big a*s spot in middle of my lungs that was around my lympnodes. All but TWO little spots in my lungs. The two that are there – one in lower left is tiny and one spot in lower right – both spots are “dense” and that doesn’t necessarily mean cancer. They don’t know about the bone spots because those didn’t show up on the first CT Scan – those showed up on a PET scan.

What there is NOT – any new uptake – which is GREAT – means no new cancer!!!!

I asked if I still need chemo. She said she wasn’t sure but to keep all appointments as is for now. Here is what I am thinking – you know since I am so well versed in oncology! That I will get two more months of chemo (F*IN BREEZE!!), get PET scan, show I am ALL clear, wipe my hands of this mess and get on with our lives!!!!!! BUT that is just my thinking.

I am not even sure I have processed this yet – I know I haven’t. I still feel shaky and in a fog of WHAT IN THE WORLD is happening, but I am SO SO SO thankful for my answered prayers – everyone’s answered prayers. I knew my prayer of “Thank You sweet Father for the miracle of my cancer free body today, tomorrow & always” was working – I knew it in my heart, in my soul – I knew it.

Thank you all for your prayers, your love, and your support - just you being you. I know this isn’t over yet, but I am a h*ll of a lot closer to the finish line than 2 months ago.

I am still dumbstruck so if this doesn’t make since please forgive me.

Waiting Game

I had a bit of a melt down last night when Eric got a message from ARA telling him that I couldn’t get my scan today because they hadn’t received authorization for insurance. I freaked – I was thinking, “OH no, what if insurance won’t pay??” to “SH*T, I should have called the insurance girl back today” (because yes I had a message from a girl at my insurance. It took all I had to talk myself down off the ledge and to be able to fall asleep last night. I had been waiting for this day, this scan, this news, this everything for three weeks.

To say I was devastated would be putting it lightly.

I promptly got up at 7:00 this morning to start calling the insurance and figure out what in the h*ll was going on. Then it was 8:00 and still nothing was solved. Finally at 8:45 ish I got a hold of Erica at TOC and all was well. I was too late to make my 10:00 though, so I rescheduled for 3:15.

I tried to read the tech’s face, I tried to get something out of her – I tried….and failed! She said my doctor would have the results in a few hours.

Now I wait….until tomorrow.

I can’t even begin to define my feelings – excited to see how well the chemo is working, nervous – of course and so many more feelings, emotions and thoughts all mixed in – all riding on this one CT Scan.

And yes I will post something as soon as I know!

Labels

I was listening to a CD the other day and on it they said, as soon as you/me/whoever puts a label on something/someone you/me unknowingly and automatically put that something in a box – a box that said something/someone can’t get out of as long as it is labeled.
We all do it all the time. We label each other – all day everyday – aren’t healthy because you don’t eat the way I do, not as spiritually advanced as me because you don’t mediate the way I do, not going to Heaven because you don’t believe exactly what I do, not successful because you don’t have as big as house as me, not a real athlete because you can’t run as fast as me – do you see how these labels can hold someone down, can change us if we are the ones being labeled – it can change us unknowing – it is change us into believing this nonsense.

I realized the impact of labels when a friend of mine was talking to me about a friend of hers who has stage IV breast cancer. When she spoke of her friend to me, she would say – she has stage IV cancer also. It took me a minute to connect the dots of also? Who else has stage IV breast cancer?? Oh, I guess I do???

But the thing is, I don’t consider myself to have stage IV cancer – in fact I don’t really even consider myself as having cancer. Yes, maybe in my medical chart I am “labeled” as this but in my heart, in my mind, in my life I don’t – I can’t put this label on myself or on others.

The only time I have even thought of myself of stage IV was the day I was told this and I was handed a nice little brochure of what it means. I handed that brochure to Marci and Gina when we got home from that appointment and never again have I thought of myself as “that.”

Do others label me as “cancer”? Is that all others see me as now?

I feel like as soon as I allow people, me, anyone to label me as stage IV cancer, I am in a box – stuck there with nothing else to do/to be but to have cancer. I am so much more than cancer – I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an artist, a lover, a sharer of life, an encourager and so much more.

I don’t want to be in a box – I am much too restless to stay put in a box.

Chemo Chronicle 2.6

Today started like any other Friday – got up, g0t us together, pack lunch, got Ian ready and left around 8:15. Ian and Parker were beyond excited to see each other – which is so funny since they really see each other every day.

Got to TOC, got called right back to see a new nurse practitioner who I loved! Blood levels are great – even up from last week….odd right? We talked about my hot flashes and my totally drunken state after I take my medicine for neuropathy (condition that make my hands and feet feel tingly and numb) (and seriously this medicine makes me loopy lou).

We went to chemo room, sat in middle of the room by a friend, chatted a bit and then worked on necklaces. It was an odd vibe in the chemo room today – I am not sure if it was because we were in the middle verses in the corner where we are totally to ourselves and can be in our own little world or what? It was eerily quite and still – kind of like the calm before the storm – luckily there was no storm while we were there.

I did ask that they cut my steroid dosage in half because I am a puffed up blimp – I feel like I am swollen as I was when I was pregnant – no fun! They did, so here’s hoping to de-puffing!

I can’t believe this was my 6th chemo. These treatments are flying by. Fridays come and go now and I just keep track of the number of treatments and keep thanking God for my healthy cancer free body.

I pretty much have the week down to a science though which is really nice. Friday morning I feel great, after treatment I am all kinds of loopy and tired, Friday night I have to crash early. Saturday morning I wake up feeling great – it is really odd…it lasts most of the day then Saturday night, down early. Sunday and Monday I feel blah, tired and achy…nothing too bad but I do get a little irritable with people – I try not to. I usually go to bed around 7:30 or 8:00 and sleep all through the night. Tuesday I wake up and can tell I turned the corner – I feel good – not great yet but really good. I am able to work out, play with Ian all day and hold up my end of the bargain as a mommy. Wednesday and Thursday I am back to myself – energy is back, achiness is gone and I say bye-bye to the blahs. It is really weird how it works but all in all, it isn’t bad at all.

I am REALLY looking forward to my scan on Wednesday! If you are the praying type, please say a thank You to God on my behalf for a cancer free body! I figure the more messages we get into Him that I am already cancer free the more likely it is to happen.

One last thing - I have decided to start teaching creative classes again on Thursday nights and my off week!  I am really excited about this because I have really missed the teaching part of my creating.  Whoot, whoot to feeling normal on Thursdays!

So what:

So what I run 12 minute miles –

I can run 12 miles at a time.

So what I don’t keep a clean house-

It is a home

Full of love and life

So what I can’t spell-

That is what spell check is four (KIDDING!!)

So what I am an info-mercial junky

I do want an easier

More exciting way

To do mundane things

So what I get nervous in big crowds

I can still work a small one

So what I am a walking contradiction

I cry only to a select few

My heart is mine to share with whom I chose

But I let small things affect my heart

My heart is soft on the inside

But I try to make it hard on the outside

If not, I would cry for all to see

So what I can’t organize my office

I am creative

I shouldn’t be

“organized”

So what I use all my cell phone minutes

I have lots of friends and family

Who I love

And love to talk to

So what I get scared

At home alone

That is what Eric is for

To protect me

So what I had cancer

Lots of good emerged

My faith

My fears

My dreams

My love for

Me

 
This was written sometime around November, 2010.  I was training for a 1/2 marathon - it didn't happen. I did run 12 miles once. 
I will run 12 miles again.
All of this still holds true.

My birthday

All I can say is wow! Wow to what awesome friends I have. They threw me a hats & scarf party on Thursday night and it was just what I needed. Yummy food, wine – yes a little too much for me, mini cupcakes from Caprimo (just two for me!), great pictures of the evening and most importantly an abundance of wonderful friends.
It really was a magical evening with the girls. After they sang happy birthday, I cried – for me, for my wish to be cancer free forever, for my wonderful friends, for my broken heart being healed a little every day, for it all – I cried to cleanse and make room for the new. I think there were more tears flowing than just mine so to add fuel to the fire, I decided it was a good time for me to read what I wrote:

You girls –

You girls are my rocks

My net of love

My strength

You girls

Each holds a piece of my heart

And each has helped paint my soul

You girls

Make me laugh

Make me cry

Sometimes make me scream

You girls

Are my light

When my road gets dark

You girls

Are the chorus

To my song

And without it

My song would be flat

And boring

You girls

Are more than friends

Are more than I could ever have imagined in my life

I love you girls.

This is to all the girls in my life – those there and those not able to be there.

I loved every minute of the night.

I loved the laughing, the hugging, the remembering, the sharing of stories with new and old, the enjoying the moment – the pure moment of the night.

When Amanda left, she told me, “You look happy, really happy.”

She summed it up with those simple words.

I am happy – happy to be where I am today, tomorrow and always.

Chemo Chronicle 2.5

Ugh, I have been waking up around 5:00, wide awake, uncomfortable and not able to get back to sleep. My body is still very tired so I don’t feel like getting up – I wish I did. Then I go back to sleep around 6:00 – 6:45 and without fail I have the weirdest dreams – odd.
Anyway, we were all up and rolling at 6:45. Eric and Ian had several sweet cards for me and Eric got me a new silver band – my wedding and engagement bands don’t fit my chemo/steroid swollen finger. Makes me sad not to be able to wear something, so he got me this simple band – I really love it!

8:10 we were out the door heading to Gina’s to drop off Ian. Parker and Ian were like kids in a candy store when Ian got there – you would think they never saw each other – it is super sweet though.

8:45 appointment. I didn’t have to see anyone today, so it was straight to the infusion room for blood draw and treatment.

My nurse who poked my port today was WONDERFUL!! And after she was done I told her, “wow, you are great!” and you would have thought I just told her - You won a million dollars! She was so grateful for me to tell her that she was great at that and thank you. I can’t imagine how beat down they get with people b*tching and moaning all day – why are doing this, why am I still here, blah, blah, blah.

I actually didn’t take anything with me to work on today because I needed some sleep. I knew if I had stuff to do I wouldn’t sleep. I watched The Office, and then turned on Pandora and cat napped.

11:00 done!! Busting out of this joint. It was funny, when I was getting “unhooked” a friend came over to chat and she turned her head away – not to see what was happening on me. I feel the same way, I have no idea what the needle in my chest looks like being put in or out and am completely fine with that.

We went to eat at Jorge’s – a super yum Mexican food place that uses free range/grass feed meat!

12:30 home and in bed. Gina said she was fine having Ian until 2:30 ish, so I decided I really needed to get some real rest.

1:30 ish – got text from Josie telling me Gina ran over her phone – I had to laugh!!

All in all this has been a great day. I already feel better than I did last Friday, so here is to hoping tomorrow is easy cheesy!

33

I like to look at my birthday every year how a lot of people look at New Year’s – a new year with a clean slate for me to do with it what I wish.


And I feel this year is no different.

I can’t say my 30’s have rocked in the traditional way. I feel like my body has failed me but from body failure so much has happened and yes I am thankful that all this crap happened/is happening when I was in my 30s – I am pretty sure if it happened when I was 25 I would have had a major melt down, wouldn’t have been able to see the silver lining and would have been drunk a lot more than I already was! And when I was 25 I didn’t have Eric.

SO my goals for my 33rd year:

1. Au revoir cancer - FOREVER

2. Start new postcard project (coming soon!!)

3. Take a kick a*s trip with Eric and Ian

4. Take a romantic get away with Eric – who is up for watching Ian?!?!

5. AND – this is a scary one but with the help of a friend, I am going put this blog-o into an e-book – there I said it…I am working on my f-in outline. I HATE OUTLINES! Don’t worry, I will save some juicy stuff just for the book – I can’t show all my cards on the blog!

6. Maybe stop using so many curse words?? Maybe…probably not. I don’t really curse this much in “real” life - sometimes

7. Continue to live life, enjoy it all, laugh, love, shine my light, help others, smile from my heart, see beauty in little things, and hug more – I need to hug more!

8. Write in my journal daily (already do – want to keep up)

9. Meditate/pray at least 20 minutes daily (again, already do)

10. Get out and sell my necklaces to boutiques

11. Send in my stuff to considered as a designer for a scrapbook company – why not…I need to scrapbook more and this would make me do it!

What have I learned thus far in life:

1. Finding love was 100% worth all the bullsh*t I went through with others. I grew from every relationship I had – I was just who I needed to be when I met Eric.

2. Tell people you love them….in person, on the phone, in a letter – I don’t care just do it often.

I just recently learned this – I would keep it to myself because I was scared they didn’t love me back, but now I don’t care – you don’t have to love me back for me to love you…ask Ian, I still kiss on him all the time even though he tells me, “mommy, you can’t kiss me forever” – wanna bet???

3. Listen to your heart. More than likely any question you have, your heart has already told you the answer – now it might not be the answer you actually want to hear but it is THE answer. Your heart speaks very quietly but has the loudest message

4. Being a stay at home mommy is hard but worth it all. It doesn’t pay well in terms of money but that is easy to get over when you get daily jokes, dances just to make me laugh, a few hugs and kisses, art work, laughter, songs, constant why’s, a few balls thrown at your head, playing hide and seek and SO much more

5. When someone repeatedly shows up in your life – take notice. God has put them there for a reason. Gina and I constantly ran into each other, she claims she noticed me walking Ian while I was bald the first go around and thought to herself – she could a friend (now of course I have to tell her yea right – you were scared of catching what I had!) anyway, God was trying to get us two together for some time before we let ourselves go into complete friendship – now, this train is rollin’

6. If you look around, your problems really aren’t THAT bad. Someone always has it worse than you. And when you help others, your problems just seem to disappear

7. Love is a powerful thing and can get us through a lot

8. Not to take myself so seriously. This is a hard one but so important. I want to be perfect in what I do, I want such and such to be perfect but I am learning – it doesn’t matter. Really, none of it matters. Taking time to listen to yourself/your heart, talk with God, love your family and friends, help others, look at the beauty in nature and all around us – now that is what matters

9. Take it all one step at a time. I was listening to a Wayne Dyer cd the other day and he summed it up so nicely. When he sits down to write a book – he doesn’t look at the 300 hundred pages it needs to be – he looks at the chapters and focuses on one at a time. And trying not to smoke/drink/eat sugar – whatever, don’t look at it for life – look at it for today. Today I won’t eat sugar, today I won’t smoke/drink – it is amazes what you can do for a day

10. Holding on the past of unforgiven stuff is like holding on an old bag of nasty food. It doesn’t hurt anyone but you, it doesn’t stink up the other person’s life and it takes up so much time and effort to hold it out from you so it doesn’t touch you – throw the crap away already.

11. Count your blessing every day. Say thank you to God for all the wonderfulness you have in your life.

So, here is to my 33rd birthday. I couldn’t ask for more – family, friends, love, joy, laughter, heart, happiness – my cup does run over.

Love to you.

WHO ARE YOU??

In my best caterpillar voice smoking a pipe (From Alice and Wonderland) – what was he smoking in that pipe??? HMMM…I think I already know :)


So, I found this nifty little button on my blog that says stats. Now, don’t go getting all excited on me here – I actually have no idea what all these numbers mean. I know though that the numbers I see on who follows this blog and those who read don’t add up in the least bit.

I thought it would be fun to see who is out there, who is reading this, how did you find it – I am curious.

To entice you to tell me about you, I thought I would tell you a little more about me – other than the obvious – I have breast cancer, the best hubby, family and friends ever.

Ten Things You Don’t Know About Me:

1. The mail system, UPS, FED Ex totally intrigues me. I mean, how does one letter start at one post office, get thrown in with tons of other mail and end up where it needs to be? I just don’t understand it.

2. I feel my degree was a big waste. NOW don’t get me wrong, Ian will go to college, get a degree and that is that. I feel like if I would have gotten a degree more “me” it wouldn’t have been a waste…however, I did not.

3. If I ever have to actually “go back to work” and be expected to bring home a paycheck (GASP, I know) I would go to beauty school and cut hair. Hopefully, I wouldn’t be a beauty school drop out!

4. I LOATH figuring out anything technical. If it wasn’t for Eric I still wouldn’t have a working MP3 player. It takes me WAY too long to figure out this blog stuff as well.

5. I didn’t always have this great relationship with God as I do now. It took a lot of work to open up and let myself go.

6. I am really shy around new people and/or in big groups.

7. Sometimes I can’t even get a word close enough for spell check to correct it. Obvious is one of those – 6 times trying up there at the top….kept coming up oblivious.

8. I once ate a whole box of muffin batter (RAW) with my sister – yes we were sick. Also, I once ate so much Halloween candy that I threw up – see a pattern here?!?

9. I have a dream to change the world with cards and writing.

10. I always said I would marry a nerd. Don’t get me wrong here; I see nothing wrong with nerds – actually the opposite. I think we are all nerds deep down but only people true to themselves are brave enough to know who they are and not care what others think – therefore can be a little nerdy! Hey, I am a big ole dork when it comes down to it – you should hear some of my “jokes”

So who are you? How did you find this blog?

For what it is worth, I do read every comment and love reading them. I am never sure how to respond to them though – if I write back in the comment sections will whoever wrote it know it is there? Hmmm – I don’t know but I do love reading them.

Let me know – I am really curious.

Coming out of the fog…

Today is a new day!! I FINALLY feel like I have climbed out of the fog I was stuck in for the past 3 days. Those were possibly the toughest 3 days I have had in a really long. After talking to Eric last night I figured out that it took a huge emotional toll on me too – I went from feeling great – thinking this sh*t ain’t so bad - from my off week to be slammed head first into a brick wall.
But, my fever broke last night (or I was having my first hot flash?) and I woke up this morning feeling much, much better.

Yesterday’s daily word was just what I needed:
RECOVERY

I am healthy and whole and continually renewed by the spirit of God within me.

Prayer is primary to my healing, whether I am recovering from an illness, surgery or even a broken heart. I begin each day with quiet moments of prayer. I give thanks for the life within me. I visualize the healthy, happy, energetic life I desire.

Healing takes time, and recovery takes many forms. A positive outcome will result if I give my body and mind the time they need. Patiently, I pray for the wisdom to know and do all I can to facilitate my recovery.

Turning my attention to the needs of others often helps my own recovery. Volunteering, even in a seemingly small way, renews me. Praying for others helps us all. Each prayer and every healthful activity supports my ongoing recovery.

I worked on thank you cards yesterday, necklace flowers and that made a world of difference in me, to me, for me. It is too easy to get caught up in head about the hurt, the suck of it, the p*ssed off of me – but then something so simple as writing a thank you card for something someone sent totally changes me – I remember the love that person has for me and I for them and it gets me out of “that” place.

Several people were really worried about me.  Don't be - I am better.  I just needed to wallow in my own self-pity for awhile – and no, this is NOT something I recommend – it didn’t get me anywhere good.

Ian asked me to make him a date with his friends today and I already have it all organized and I am so excited to be getting out of the house with him to enjoy our day.

Here's to being out of the fog.

She taught me….

She taught me
that even when I thought

I had nothing left

to give

that I had to dig a tiny bit deeper

and

I would find

I had a lot left to give.

She taught me

that I made my bed

now I must lie in it

but

I sure as hell can get out of that bed

and re-make it.

She taught me

friends are meant to be cherished…

especially with a bottle or two of wine!

She taught me

to dream big

then go out there

and make that dream come true.

She taught me

how to step back

look at the facts

not to panic

and do what needs to be done

in any situation.

She taught me

life isn’t always sweet as pie

but it is always worth living

doing

being

She taught me

how to be a mother myself.

I love you mom.



I know this is a day late but I feel this every day – not just on Mother’s day. And hey, I usually a day or so late with my cards so this is quit fitting!!

Wham bam – no thank you mam

This has hands down been the worst treatment to date. I would easily take a crappy infusion compared to this. I guess I can say today is better – I feel like crap verses yesterday I felt like complete sh*t.
This is not the norm – THANK YOU GOD. It is the bone medicine Zoledronic Acid that is used to help strengthen my bones. From what Eric read, this should be a one-time gig – again, THANK YOU GOD.

My bones hurt like nothing I have ever felt – even my ankles and toes hurt.

My skin hurts – even when Ian hugs me it hurts.

I am cold even outside in the heat.

I am so tired but I can’t sleep and I can’t get up and do anything because when I stand I think I might throw up.

I tried to go to the Ladies Tea yesterday at church but had to leave about half way through – I hurt too badly.

We went to church this morning and I was a wreck. I cried more than usual and I just couldn’t get centered. We then went to lunch and the “spicy” sandwich I ordered didn’t taste – Eric said it was very spicy.

I am praying that tomorrow this hurt is gone because my heart hurts too.

Chemo chronicle 2.4

I felt totally rushed in the morning and out of sorts and I am not sure why – my appointment wasn’t until 9:45 – it was kind of odd. BUT I did use my vitamix blender this morning and made a yummy smoothie – apple (core and all), strawberries (stems included), blueberries, about 2 cups of spinach and chocolate protein powder = yumm deli umcious!
After much running around makin’ smoothies, packing Eric and me salads and getting all the stuff I wanted to work on together, we were off. Ian couldn’t have been happier to be dropped off at Parker’s house and Eric and I were off.

We walked into an almost dark office – the power had gone out. Crazy. Not sure if that was the hold up or what, but we waiting quit awhile to see Dr. H. In the meantime talked to the financial lady about our deductibles and stuff, got my port poked (which was a piece of cake today!!) and played this stupid game with Eric that he found on his phone – all in all, good times! After Dr H came in, we talked about my upcoming scan. She is VERY optimistic of great results – I told her I already have my mind on it being ALL gone!!

Got in infusion room with no big drama, counts were all great and good to go. I did have an extra bag of bone strengthener added today, so that added on a little more time. I worked on card packs that I am donating to my church, Eric worked on rigging his phone’s wi-fi to his computer because theirs was down today...eh, whatever – I am never really sure what he is doing!

I knew I felt different as soon as I got home – I was really loopy and tired and stayed that way for the rest of the day. I am thinking the extra bag really took it out of me and now all I want is a HAMBURGER – a big juicy hamburger…just like when I was preggers. My iron levels were the only ones that were low so bring on the meat! Eric went and got me one after Ian was down because Ian was NOT having going out to eat – whatever, this was easier! After eating way too much, I passed out on the couch at 8:30. You would think it was 2:30 a.m. I was drunk and just downed some Whataburger – not the case!!

Thursdays

Thursdays have evolved for me over time in what they mean to me in terms of what I would do on Thursdays or how I thought of them.
Before Ian, Thursday meant one day away from the weekend, one day away from the “grind” for 2 days, one day away from getting to just hang out. Many years ago, we had a girl’s poker night on Thursday night. I am not really sure why we ever thought doing this on a Thursday night was a good idea because we all still had to work on Friday – and when I say work, I mean we worked at our “real” jobs – jobs after college that I guess we were supposed to take seriously?!?!? Well every other Thursday night, we didn’t take anything seriously – except hanging out with the 6 of us, drinking entirely too much wine, smoking an unknown number of cigarettes between the 6 of us, asking the pizza delivery guy to go buy us more beer, wine or cigarettes because we were smart enough to know we shouldn’t be driving and occasionally we would take the poker game at hand serious – not often. Oh these Thursday nights meant so much to us – some of didn’t know each other when we started this get together, some of us were already great friends, but at those poker nights we really opened to each other and became so much more than the poker girls.

Now that was just poker nights - Laurie and I had many other Thursday night happy hour(s). Let’s just say after 4 hours of happy hour, Eric would come pick us and deliver us home safely. Then there was the apartment with Jessica – balcony, wine, and music we were settled in for many wonderful Thursday nights of talking, laughing, crying, singing – you name, we did it.

Life was bound to evolve from the crazy Thursday nights to the more sensible nights. Ian was born and Thursday night now meant one more day until Eric was home with us. My maternity leave ended and Thursday nights turned into only 6 more hours of work until I get to be with Ian and Eric all day.

Once again life has evolved and with it my Thursdays have too. The days bring complete happiness but my nights have taken on a new meaning of bittersweet. Thursday days are absolute beauty – I am feeling great, Ian goes to swimming class, Gina and I go to the gym, then we meet all the mommies out somewhere for the mommies to talk and the kids to play – it is really my favorite day of the week because without fail our Thursdays are awesome. But as with all Thursdays, we all know what always comes next – Fridays…it has been this way for a long time – I guess since someone came up with the weekdays in a calendar – eh, I really don’t know those facts!

By Thursday night it all starts over again – the dread of the coming day, the wanting to curl up in a ball and say, “you can’t make me go tomorrow” (if you were wondering I did used to do that to my mom when she would need to take me to the dr.), the knowing that my feeling great is short lived for the next few days….it is hard.

I am ready to have my Thursday nights back to what they are meant for – the night before the weekend.

But, what is right???

Taken from the lesson at church on Sunday:


Our pastor posed the question or statement to us – however you chose to look at it. What is right with the world? What IS right with the world. It is easy to launch into all the horrible things that are happening around the world, but if we stop to really look at the outcome of these events it is nothing short of a miracle that is taking place.

Japan for example, they have people all over the world praying for them, they have people all over the world donating money to them, they have people working together to help them be able to help themselves, they have support, love and light being sent to them 24 hours a day. What a miracle is that? How easy it is for people to pull together when need be. I my opinion we should pull together like that when there isn’t a tragedy but we can take it one step at a time!

Look at my situation. I have people all over the place praying for me, my family, for us. The net of love that has been thrown around us is so strong, thick and tight it is unbreakable. People I haven’t talked to in years contributed to a care package one of my good friends put together for us. Not only did they send me loving cards of encouragement, they sent them to Eric and fun gifts for Ian – yes, he thought the Easter bunny showed up early!!

Another friend of mine, Tarah, coordinated and made a quilt out of squares of fabric that were sent to her by some of my high school friends and family. It was incredible reading what they wrote to me, the inspiration and love they sent to me – I cried from the love I felt in their words.

Kate organized a happy hour/benefit for me this past Friday night. She told me to make “a lot of stuff” and that was all I knew. With the help of Gina (not really help but more of a whipping me into shape to get my sh*t done) I did it – I accomplished a huge goal – one that earlier might have been too daunting to actually do and I would have quit - one that earlier I would not have asked for nor excepted help with. We surpassed Kate’s personal goal that night and made me see that yes, I can do this – I can do this and much more.

So what is right with my world: God, life, love, family, friendship, my desire to smile from my heart, my urge to create and write, my longing to help others, and so much more!

It is too easy to get trapped in our thoughts of what is wrong but we can look at the same situation and say what is right just as easily as saying what is wrong.