Friday, May 31, 2013

Daily Devotional

I have been reading this book for almost 2 years...on and off.
It speaks to me different daily and I just want to share these with you.

http://www.amazon.com/Year-Experiencing-Gods-Presence-Devotional/dp/1414339550/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1370001313&sr=8-3&keywords=chris+tiegreen

I SO feel like it a duty of mine to share this...


 
They raised their voices and praised the Lord with these words: “He is good! His faithful love endures forever!”


"The people raised their voices in praise, proclaiming God’s goodness and faithfulness and love.

God Responded to the worship of people hungry to encounter Him in His dwelling place.

God doesn’t just show up simply because our rituals or behaviors, even when those rituals and behaviors are good. He shows up in response to a heart attitudes, especially those that are expressed. Just as we are drawn to love, so is God. He comes close to those who love Him, hunger for Him, and say so.'

How I plan to live this today:
I am raising my voice to You sweet Lord – for all to hear – I love You…simple as that – I love you.


I think we want to make it harder than it is to love - love God, love ourselves, love each other...but it isn't.
We want to believe there are rules to follow - there aren't...just ask God to fill your heart.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Letting Go

Day 30, Thursday: React to this term: Letting Go

Letting go to me has changed so much over the years and I believe it will continue to change always - I think it has to.

I am always in the process of learning to let go and Let God.
Let God
Let God do all
Trust Him

I think people wonder how me and Eric do this but this is the only way we can.

We KNOW our life is what it is.

We know I have stage 4 cancer

We KNOW I could die anytime...but WE ALL CAN AND WILL

I know he could die anytime

I also believe if I open my heart and soul to God's healing powers, I can outlive any stats stacked up against me

Eric believes this too...which makes it SO much for me to lean into that

So to me - letting go isn't letting go of hope - it is letting go of me being in control - I know I am not and it just makes it all SO much easier to trust that God has it and trust in His plan and trust in His love...all Love.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

It is offical...I have been kicked off my trial drug

I am kind of in shock - kind of not - kind of ok - kind of not ok???

I was officially kicked off my BSI trail drug yesterday.

I feel a few things here but am still wrapping my head around this.

On one hand - I am scared - of course. 

I feel like BSI has kept my "body" clean since I started it in September, 2011. I say "body" because I don't mean my brain included with this.

The BSI has never been able to cross the blood brain barrier.

BSI effects are known to me.

I knew I would get it every Monday and Thursday - that was my job.  I would go to treatment 2 times a week, I had my routine, I knew when I would and wouldn't feel good and I knew the BSI was working.

On the other hand, I was/am ready for a change...on my levels.

I was tired of going 2 times a week.

I was tired of being tired - but now I realize that that tired might be NOTHING compared to my new tired - only time can tell that.

I was tired of being tied to that schedule - but now I am thinking what in the hell am I going to do without that schedule?

I was tired of not being to go out of town for longer periods of time.

But I knew - I knew what I was going to feel like.

I do feel in my heart it will be good - it all is good but that doesn't mean I am not scared of the unknown.

My schedule for the next 2 weeks are a little crazy, but we have come to realize this is life and just like every life...just like everyone else - all we can do is live in the moment we are in - or that is my hope for me at least.

May 29 - I go get fitted with my radiation mask.
May 31 - I get my head stiches out - I can't believe it has only been 2 weeks since my 3rd brain surgery.
June 3 - Ian started karate camp...which I think is going to be GREAT fun for him!
June 6 - see my brain chemo to see what plan is
June 7 - see Dr H

And sometime within all the above, I will be getting radiation again - I should find that out today what that schedule is.

Oh yeah - we also are redoing our new house!! and hope to move in about a month!?!?
I guess no time like the present?!?!

Please pray that all works seamlessly according to His plan.

I can't plan the next steps because I have no idea what they are and it is kind of (of A LOT!) freaking me out.


Monday, May 27, 2013

A letter to my readers:


A letter to my readers:
This is kind of weird to write a letter to yall – not sure why.

I guess I don’t know if I want to write about me, advice, love or what.
Then I thought about and I heard – "use it" – "use it."

I think I know what He is telling me to do?!?!
I do better if I outline stuff – tell people my thoughts and plans and it helps me stick to them.

So my letter to y'all:
Dear yall:

I have a dream – a big dream.
I want to share God’s love and joy with everyone....EVERYONE!
Not just people like me, not just people different from me, not just people with different thoughts, the same thoughts, opinions - every one.

I want to start a weekly youtube channel of me telling yall how I live my life with God in the forefront daily

I plan to start this as a weekly activity then up it as I get better at it.

Write a book and speak on God and how letting go and Him in is how I made/make it through this thing called life and how EVERYONE can do the same.
I want to figure out a way to help raise funds for others to see Dr. Glen at http://www.n4hresearch.com/
I am thinking of selling painting for this purpose and money raised with go to pay an office visit and supplement package with him.

Paint cancer love girls
My ALL time favorite thing to hear say is that when people ask him what his mommy does for work, he tells them I paint pictures to give away to people to help them.
I have never put it in these words for him - he just tells people this....I love it and I want him to love it and know it too

Paint canvases full of love for treatment rooms

And these are just things I can think of right now.



I might be asking for help along the way.
I might swerve off the road a few times, but hey - I have before and made it back on!
I might drive Eric crazy needing help but again, we have done that before too!
I might drive yall crazy being all over the place.

I do promise to be real and full of love...
 

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Check in

With me doing this blog a day, I seem to get a one track mind and stay on that - where I know some of you are more curious to see how your prayers have been heard!
Let me list the ways!

This past week has been really good.

Ian graduated "advanced pre-k" on Tuesday.
I am SO SO SO SO happy we made the decision to not put him in K until he will be 6 verses just turning 5.  He has changed so much this year and I can not wait to see what he has in him in all the years to come. 

I will get pictures up this weekend of it all!

I had an appt with my brain radiation dr yesterday.
All is well.
I get a mask sometime next week and we are going to do a higher but smaller area dose...we might get away with one but might do 2-3.
My radiation dr is getting with my brain surgeron to see if he wants to come be a part of this process too - I mean really?!?!?  REALLY???
I know I am more than TRYLY blessed with my doctors, but they are so above and beyond in everyway I could ever imaging - pretty much like God just put them here to help us out! :0

I go to an herb oncologist today - I went to him last time and just want to check by in and see what else I need to be doing.

Ian, mom and myself are going to look for flooring samples and paint today after my appt.

Eric and a few friends are demoing the house tomorrow.

Next week:
Dr. H - still not sure on my trial drug situation.  Eric and I have talked, and we are leaving it in God
s hands.  If I need a to be on a new, then so be it - I need it!

May 29 - get my radiation mask made - party time for me!! I get good drugs while they wire a mask to hold my face in place.  I am going to take videos this time to document it - the final time!

May 30 - MRI

June 3rd - Dr Groves - brain chemo dr - not sure what it happening

In between all this - we are packing up our house and getting ready to move!!
I will be posting tons of stuff to sale on craigslist and for fee - I will just post as I come up with stuff.

Please keep the prayers coming  - God's grace is amazing and I feel it in every way possible
Please keep Love on your heart always - for all.

Never forget

Day 25, Saturday: Something someone told you about yourself that you'll never forget (good or bad)

That I have a smile that lights up a room.
I have been told them all my life and it really lights me up when I hear it.
I hope my smile really does light up a room.






Friday, May 24, 2013

Day 24, Friday: Your top 3 worst traits

Your top 3 worst traits

I over commit.
I want to help do too much, say I will help and then have to flake on the last moment

I try to put up walls too much.
If I feel caged in, I try to push back with my own walls - I am working on breaking them down little by little.

I can be pretty stubborn - it does get me too places but sometimes I can be a pain in the ass!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Day 23, Thursday: Things you've learned that school won't teach you

I feel like my life is one lesson after another - which I feel all of our lives have to be.

I have learned what is the right thing is usually the hardest thing to do - with anything.

I have learned reaching your hand out first after a fight might mean you could get hurt even more, but you have to try - or you will forever be wondering.

I have learned you can NEVER and I mean NEVER say I love you too much

I have learned that you can hug too much - the other person might think so, but it could take some warming up too

I have learned you must forgive - forgive them - everyone - everyday. It isn't up to us to hold a grudge and punish

I have learned even a hello, I am fine, good bye, I love you on the phone is better than a text message

I have learned I am a much bitter sap than I thought I was while growing up - and am very happy about it

I have learned to dream big and crazy - who knows - crazy stuff does happen!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Day 22 - On my soap box

Rant about something. Get up on your soapbox and tell us how you really feel. (a pet peeve, a current event, a controversial topic, something your husband or roommate or neighbor or boss does that really ticks you off

Politics.
I don't understand them - I don't understand how people can draw a line in the sand and say I am no this side and no way will I will put my toe over to that side - not even a little -  how one party can be SO against helping others.
Yes I understand SOME people take advantage of the situation, but more likely people need our help.

And I don't understand how some think that the family they were born into isn't somehow a lesson - I mean if you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth how in the world would you not want to share with others who were born - NOT BY CHOICE - into a family with not as much money??

How in the world do you think this is somehow these children's fault - they don't deserve the same opportunity we have all been given?

How do you believe these people are any less than you because of less money??

Don't you see - money does NOT make you a better person.

It is up to us - ALL of us to make this world go round - that means GIVING and taking - after all, it is the circle of life.

Each AND EVERY one of us could have been born into a different family, a different country, a different body - a different everything.

I am just asking you to stop and think - think the next time you want to look down on someone because they might be in a different place and wonder how you would want someone to act towards you?

Monday, May 20, 2013

Update

Ok, ok, ok - so I don't want to say it too soon but 3rd time might be a charm!?!?

For those of you who aren't caught up on my cancer saga:

May 9 - went in a few days early for my 6 week MRI because I was feeling funny - I just know the funny feelings aren't a good thing

May 10 - call from Dr. H - brain tumor is back

May 13 - turned 35 - no that has nothing to do with it, but I just like to say it was my birthday!!

May 14 -
Gina had a birthday get together at her house for me


visit with cutie neurosurgeon





May 16 - 3rd time in for brain surgery since September, 2012

May 17 - HOME!! YES down to one night!!

I can walk! My right foot feels like I am wearing a cast boot on my foot and my leg/foot is still super heavy BUT I CAN WALK!!!!!!!!!!

Ray-of-Hope

Thank you all for all the prayers, love and more prayers.

I see my radiation dr this week, then we will go from there.

Day 20 - Get real


Day 20, Monday: Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.

My first answer was, "I struggle with the why of my cancer all the time", but then that turned to all cancer, childhood cancer, disease, poverty, hardship and down the rabbit hole I went.

So from all that I came up with - I struggle with the lack of compassion and love in the world.

We (and yes, I through myself in all my "we's") all want an answer - an anwswer for everything thing:
why does a 32 year old get starge 4 cancer
why does a 3 month old die
why do millions of people go hungry daily
why can a smile make stranger a stop in his/her tracks and feel love again
Why?
Why can lending a helping hand to ANYONE - ANYONE - not just your family, not just your friend, not just people you want to help up but then kick down again - ANYONE why can lending that hand truly change a life.

Why??

Love is why

It so simple but so hard.

I believe on the very basic level God made of for love.
For Him to love us
Us to love Him
We love each other

You can be mad at someone, you can disagree with them but in that same breath - you can still love them.

I do it everyday - with my leg not working, with my brain not being able to "comput" how it used to, with my body that gets tired 30 minutes after getting up, with people who don't understand - don't try to understand - me - everyone.

So, there it is me - me getting real.
Love can change the world.
The Love God give will change the world

 


Sunday, May 19, 2013

Day 19 -favorite blogs and me updates


Day 19, Sunday: Five of your favorite blogs and what you love about them

Kelly Rea Roberts – love her art
She was the first artist I witnessed bloom into who/what she is and it has help my hearts hand for years know and trusting I can do the same.
 
Christy Tolmlison
She seems like she would be so much like me - just here - plugging along, loving God, her family and friends and strying to gussy up with world with colorful love in the mean time.
 
 
Mish Mish
I have learned a lot from here in mixing "odd" pairings.  I used to need to be so matchy-match - not anymore - anything goes here.
 
Daily Word
 
My blog/YouTube Channel
I am not going to lie - I think it is cool I have a blog following and am building a youtube one as well.
Yes, I enjoy listening to what I say and/or write because sometimes it surprises me too!

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Day 18 - storytime


Day 18, Saturday: Tell a story from your childhood. Dig deep and try to be descriptive about what you remember and how you felt.
 
I remember the day my dad came to tell me and my sister that him and my mom were getting a divorce.
We were at my grandparents house and I was holding on to my stuffed Garfield the cat animal.
I felt confused, sad, mad, hurt, afraid and so much more.
I didn't understand what it really meant.  How our lives would really change.
I do understand now that things happen and no matter how hard you try, some things just cant work out.
I get still get sad about this day and still wonder how life would have been if they hadn't divorced, but I know it isn't my place to judge and everyone did what they needed to do.
 

Friday, May 17, 2013

Day 17 - favorite photo


I am not going to lie - me being on a billboard is pretty cool!
Besides, I feel this picture is really me.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Day 16 - my lot in life


Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it

I feel that my “lot in life” has been to learn some really tough things, but for those things I am a better person.

Do I want to have cancer for the rest of my life? NO

Does it beat the alternative? Hell yes

I work every day to overcome any hard feelings I have towards cancer, I work every day to forgive – myself and trust that I really didn’t do anything to cause this, I work every day to be present and soak in every detail, I work every day to trust that feeling in heart is God talking to me – I work every day to continue overcoming my “lot in life.”
 
I will be in my 3rd brain surgery in 9 months this morning - while this post is posting.
Please pray - for me and my family.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Hold my hand


I am not sure where to even start or where to even go with this – with this whole situation I am once again facing

This whole situation my family and friends are once again enduring with and for me

I want to be strong but I feel like my courage it seeping out faster than God can refill my cup

I want to understand but I know I never will

So then I try to give it away – all of it away to God, but let me tell you friends that is hard.  There always seems to be a tiny piece that latches on and lingers

My whole right leg and foot are numb again.

I told Dr hottie that I just want to be able to walk after this surgery – and I am fine even if that is with a cane.

But if I have to choose one – walk or use of my right hand – I will take my hand to draw, paint and write.

I don’t think it is fair for me to think if I have to choose one.

Oh Sweet Sweet God – please heal me, please protect me, please be with me through this all and carry me to the other side of the valley

I am scared
 
My girls had a birthday party for me yesterday, where we laughed, cried and come up with a plan. I told them they can't let me hole up like I wanted to last time. They made me a video - I haven't seen yet.
I am going to make myself a video today to remind me about how far I have come these past 4 months and that it can once again be done.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Surgery is scheduled first thing Thursday morning.

I am going to a Prayer Warrior today after dropping Ian off at school, then my mom and sister will be here and hopefully we will get pedicures at some point today?

Please pray first and foremost this is just necrosis – that means just scare tissue and no tumor. Please pray for God to guide all my Doctors and comfort my family and friends.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Day 14 - Happy Dance

Ten things that make you really happy

My Family and friends

Funnel cake

A good hard belly laugh

A memory that takes me back and makes me laugh like I did when I was there

Ian dancing

Painting

Writing

Figuring out what song lyrics mean

Talking about big ideas with Eric

Being alive (yesterday was my 35th b day – at 34, I wasn’t sure I would see 35)

Monday, May 13, 2013

Through the valley

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GV5__Xw8dBo


Day 13 - I'm sorry

Issue a public apology. This can be as funny or as serious or as creative as you want it to be.

I am sorry I am going to stray from the intended topic for today...kind of.

I feel sorry for myself that today is my 35th birthday and I am at my oncologist talking about a 3rd brain surgery in 9 months to hopefully get rid of the cancer in my brain once and for all.

I am sorry to Eric and Ian having to deal with this sh*t again.

I sorry to my family and friends who will walk this road with me...once again.

I am sorry to my body who cant seem to fight this off.

BUT

I am not sorry for saying I will once again fight like hell.

I am not sorry for saying this will NOT be my last birthday.

I am not sorry for promising even more to show my love for God.

I am not sorry to promise those in my life that they will be covered up by my love...grossly covered up by my love!

I am sorry for my lot in life - I do believe I will once again crawl through a mile of sh*t to come out clean on the other side - and now I have one more story of a sh*t crawl...I guess?!?!? I could think of new stories if I had too!!

@ Steve Hilchey 2013

@ Steve Hilchey 2013

@ Steve Hilchey 2013

I will continue to fight.
I will continue to love.
I will continue to believe.
I will continue to be here to spread love:
His love
my love

 

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Day 12 - my heart aches

What do you miss? (a person, a thing, a place, a time of your life...)

My grandpa

He was so full of life and truly loved with his whole heart.

I miss his corny jokes that I rolled my eyes at and then in the next breath laugh my head off – more so at him laughing at himself.

I miss his life lessons condensed down into a sentence: pigs get fatter and hogs get slaughtered.

I miss his excitement to see us – anytime we went over to their house and he knew we were on the way, he would be waiting outside on the porch.

I miss his excitement about his corvette and him telling us to listen to the engine while he revved it up.

I miss him shaking his gold bracelet telling me to a good look at that. (I am still not sure what that was about but oh, I would laugh)

I miss his presence in my life – in our family – in the world – I miss him on every level possible.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Letter to Ian

 

Day 11 - 10 words


Sell yourself in 10 words or less

Loving, Kind, Faithful, Vibrant, Quirky, Funny, Courageous, Honest, Heartfelt, Emotional, Creative...that is 11
Should I add - cant follow rules?!?!

Friday, May 10, 2013

I wish...


I wish I could say I am shocked

I wish I could say 3rd time must be a charm

I wish I could say I am not scared out of my mind

I wish I could say I am strong and this too shall pass

I wish I could say I understand

I wish I could say I am not beyond pissed

I wish I could say “we have this one in the bag too – just like all the others”

But then I think – did we really ever have those other ones in the bag?

I was due for a 6 week MRI next week, but yesterday I started feeling funny – that fuzzy feeling in my head, my leg was heavy and I knew – I knew my brain tumor was back.

I called Dr. H and they got my MRI moved to yesterday.

I heard back today – it is back – the tumor is back – in the same f*cking spot and everything.

By the time Dr H called me, she had already sent my MRI report to the brain oncologist, the brain surgeon and the brain radiation dr.

Here is all I know as of this afternoon:

Tumor is 2.5x2.5 cm in the EXACT same spot

I will meet with Dr H on Monday

Dr. W (cute brain surgeon on Tues)

More than likely have brain surgery on Wed or Thursday

But I mean really – THREE F*CKING BRAIN surgeries in 9 months…9 months.

Please pray…pray for this cancer to never ever EVER come back.

Day 10 - blush

Most embarrassing moment (s). Spill.

I had to think about this one as normally I really don't get embarrassed - I get upset but not embarrassed.

But thinking about it more I think any moment to due with s*x.
I will talk about it all day with my friends, but their are a lot of people I don't want to even think about in the same realm of them and s*x.

I get it, I do - it happens but I don't want to talk about with those I don't chose to.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Day 9 - Picture

A moment in your day (this can be just a photo or both a photo and words)

This is a canvas I created (for sale here) wink
But really, I truly believe if we all remember the love God has had for us forever and will forever have for us - if we loved each other with even a fraction of that love, we can change the world with love.
It is such a simple idea and so easy to do, but so many find "Love your neighbor" to be the hardest task ever
 

 
 

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Day 7 - affriad

The thing(s) you're most afraid of

Ian not having a mommy.

Eric not having a wife.

My mom and dad not having a daughter.

My sister not having a sister.

My friends having a hole in their hearts.

I am not afraid of death – it doesn’t scare me at all – I know all will be bliss.

I am afraid of breaking hearts of people I love so much.

I am afraid people will be mad at God if He takes me too early and they shouldn't be - it will all be ok!

Monday, May 6, 2013

Day 6: My job


If you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question, 'what do you do'?

I answer this question all the time when people as, "So, what do you do?"
I tell them I am a stay at home mommy, a writer and artist.
I have decided though I am going to add to this: I survive – every day I survive the odds, I survive life, I survive in hope and faith and love and gratitude – I survive...that is what I do.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Day 5 - My love

Publicly profess your love and devotion for one of your blogger friends. What makes them great? Why do you love them? If you don't have blogger friends, talk about a real-life friend or even a family member

I haven’t actually even met any of my blogger friends.
But I have a ton of other friends, so this question is really hard for me.
Instead of telling you about one friend, I am going to tell you about all of them!
I would say I have groups of friends that one of my favorite things to do bring then all together...I love it.
I have friends who I have been friends with since 3rd grade - yes we have had a few "falling outs" but we both know we are meant to have each other in our lives.

I have friends who I still talk to on Facebook from elementary school.
I still talk to all my best friends from high school.
One of my best friends I have know since I was 13 and met her for the first time when I was in 7th grade.


 
I have other friends I met in my early 20s and am still great friends with.


I have my "neighborhood" friends...some of which are some of my best friends.  I honestly never thought I would be able to have another group like I had in high school, but I found them here in the hood.



I have my cancer friends - friends who I met through this cancer BS. These are some of the friends I don't see often but we do, it is intense.

I have been more than blessed in my life with friends.
I don't know why, but God has and continues to put the most amazing and supportive people in my life.