Saturday, April 30, 2011

Unconditional Love

It really hit me Sunday while sitting at first service and seeing it more crowded than I have ever seen it before and hearing them say that Easter is hands down the busiest service of the year – it hit me hard the unconditional love God has for us. He sent us Jesus to teach us one thing – unconditional love.
He made it look so simple - have an open heart, an open mind and love for all, but we as humans make it so hard on ourselves. We (and yes I am included in this “we”) like to put conditions on our love to others, to ourselves, even to God.

            I would love my co-worker if she would listen to me.

            I would love the homeless man on the street if he would get a job.

            I will love myself when I lose those last 5 pounds.

            I will be happy when I get a promotion.

            I will love God again after He gives me a baby.

            Even though you are a miracle worker and have saved 1,000 of people’s lives, I can’t love  you wholly because you are Jewish, or some other religion.

            I will love my husband more once he tells me how pretty I am.

Do you see how ridiculous all these sound? Do you see how many conditions are put on something so simple, so available to us at all times if we just look in our hearts and see what God gave us – the ability to love unconditionally like he does us – but we don’t. We line up our love and dole it out to those we think deserve it, but the catch is – we deserve love from every person and every person deserves our love – and I mean all of, not a little snip of it when it is convenient for us, not a little piece of it when we feel like it- every person deserves all of our love all of the time.

Seems scary to think of this – how can I love someone who has wronged me, how can I love someone I don’t know, how can I love someone who is so different from me???

We get so caught up in the how but the how is easiest part – open your heart and love. You can’t run out of it and the more you give, the more you have to give and the more you get. Crazy little thing God gave us – unconditional love.

I try to practice what I preach, I try but sometimes it is hard…I guess if it were easy we would all be doing it – right? Try to love someone today that you might not any other day – if they aren’t there for you to show a kind smile to, give a gentle pat on the back – think of them, think of them with loving thoughts and send them love from your heart – it will make you feel amazing.

Just try it – let me know how it goes?!?!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Good-bye hair

Well, we did it – I sat in a chair out on the back porch while Eric shaved my head and Ian played with his bubbles from the Easter bunny…he couldn’t have cared less what was happening with my hair.


It is funny though – it made me realize the things that are such big deals to adults usually don’t matter at all to children. Maybe we should take cues from children – they are true masters of being in the moment and knowing what truly is important. I am “assuming” that in Ian’s eyes nothing with me has changed – I am still his mommy who snuggles with him every morning and tells him no, you cannot jump off the fifth stair up a few times every day.

It wasn’t as big of a deal as I thought it would be. Last time we shaved my head I had lots of people over – in hind sight I am not sure why. Maybe I didn’t want to be alone with what was happening? This time, I wanted it to be just us 3 – the core of me. I was very blasé about it – it was what needed to be done and I am so glad it is now done.

I do remember how wearing a scarf makes me feel like I have cancer – it is screams, “I HAVE CANCER.” I am working on being comfortable with not wearing anything on my head outside our house…it is hard though – those looks, those looks of pity tear into my soul – I don’t want pity, I want a HELL YEAH you rock or a keep fighting sister or a F*CK cancer sucks – something other than pity.

So here it is – me sans hair – well kind of, I have a buzz cut at the moment.




This is me, this is who I will be for an uncertain amount of time but I am okay with it.  My hair didn't define me and now my lack of won't either.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Finding Renee:

She was buried way down deep
The light was almost burnt out

But God kept fanning it

Even when she didn’t

She was tired of telling herself no.

She was tired of making excuses.

She was tired of not trying.

She was tired of tired.

She knew the day was here – she had no choice but to do what she was being called to do.

She had no choice but to start believing in her own self.

She had no choice but to say yes – to herself, to life, to God.



I found a whole file of poems and stuff I wrote the last go around with “this” that I was too afraid to post. I am not sure why I was afraid or why I didn’t, but I didn’t. I am going to now. I am going to put it all out there – to help me heal, to help you, to help God work through me, just to help. I really feel like I need to help....who, I am not sure.

It is too easy to go back to that place of "I am not organized enough" "How can "I" pull this off" "Who am I to think this is a good idea" and so many more.  But I am slowly learning, who cares I am not organized to on lookers - I am organized in myself; how can I NOT pull this off; if someone told me this I would love it and so will the world.

I had “my idea” that I wrote about on a few Sundays ago sometime last year, but it got pushed to the back of my to-do list – I think that was a bad idea! I need to get it out there….I am working on it. I am going to make a promise to myself – it will go live June 1st.

Here is what I need to do before June 1st: tax-id number, blog that can sell stuff (does anyone know if this is legal?), map that blog to a real domain name (Eric can do), make my product (in progress), photographs and sell – not that much….totally manageable….I like to tell myself?!?!

I now know, Renee has been found.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Honestly

I was texting Gina last night and told her my hair is starting to fall out. Her response was so pure and honest, “I don’t know what to say.”
I don’t know what to say – what a great thing to say when in fact you don’t know what to say. Instead of saying something that makes you feel better, you say the truth – when it might be hard to admit that in fact you don’t have all the answers and don’t know what to say.

Why is it so hard for us, as people, as friends, as family to be 100% honest with each other? Hey, I am 100% guilty of this as well. I will tell 98% of the truth when asked how I feel, when asked personnel things – I don’t know why. I think we are scared to be judged by others (of course we are, we all love to judge each other) or more so, we are scared if we tell the whole truth then when our situation changes, the person we told the whole truth to will still remember the whole truth and be in the past moment instead of in the present with what is happening now.

I honestly had a horrible day today. I sat in my car and cried - cried for me, cried for the fact that Eric and Ian are going to shave my head tonight, cried because we now really have to tell Ian something (or why in the hell or I let him help shave my head?), I cried because my stomach hurts from the laxatives I have to take, I cried because chemo is already shutting down my ovaries and with that brings much heartache…no hormones means NO hormones and NO of a lot that a healthy 32 year old woman should be, I cried because my mom and Gina’s husband both told me how beautiful I am bald, I just cried. All of this happened before I willed myself to walk up the two flights of stairs to get a shot that I didn’t want and while I sat in the waiting area I ate a nasty cup of soup from Whole Foods because I needed comfort and I didn’t want to call anyone because I honestly didn’t want to talk about it.

Laurie had even texted me to ask if I was okay because I had been on her mind – yes, I believe God was sending me an angel at that moment but I wasn’t ready to except His helping hand.

Even if I didn’t take God’s bate with Laurie, He sent me Sarah while I was waiting for my shot. Oh how I needed Sarah. She has been through this sh*t twice BUT they (her hubby and her) just had a baby from a sergeant with their own embryo – AWESOME! I needed her, I needed someone who understood why my bones hurt and just how they feel when they do hurt, I needed to talk to her, to see her sweet baby, to give her a hug of friendship and survivorship – I needed her.

I have no wise closing, no clever saying I just have honesty from me to you on this day.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Chemo Chronicle 2.3

I wish I could say 3rd time was a charm – hardly. More like 3 strikes and you are OUT!

My appointment was at 9:00 this morning, so we dropped Ian off at 8:20 at Zach’s house who by the way was still asleep and Teri took Ian in with loving arms – well maybe it was me bringing her coffee that she took in with loving arms?!?! Regardless, Ian was good to go and Eric and I were off.

Went back – lost another 2 pounds down due to no sugar diet – telling you people sugar is bad stuff – oh, back to the subject at hand – sat in room waiting for RN to come stick port – this is where the trouble started. Hind sight I shouldn’t have told her about my nightmare stick on Tuesday and showed her the horrible bruise – I probably then jinxed the whole day. Now to her credit, I am still super swollen from the port surgery on Tuesday, but it all still SUCKED big time. She poked me once – hit the side of the port. She poked me twice – hit the side again. This lead into my first breakdown of the day – I couldn’t help it, the tears came out of nowhere and wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t even look at her when she left the room – I felt like a baby, I felt bad for making her feel bad and at this point I was already done with the day and ready to go home. She knew I was done and said she would get someone else. The next RN came in, talked to me, had me lay down and got it – thank goodness. It wasn’t like the poke hurt - it was the pressure they had to apply to the actual port that hurt like hell.

Dr. H came in, looked at this lovely rash I have on my chest and a little around my mouth, gave me some steroid cream, told me it wouldn’t grown hair on my chest (THANKS!), looked over the supplements Dr. Love prescribed, and looked ahead at the next mouth. I have my CT scan on May 25th. I will be VERY anxious to hear results of that test!

Sat in waiting area for at least an hour before they told me my blood counts were low and were waiting to hear from Dr. H. I was so frustrated and if it wasn’t for Erica, I might have screamed. She is so great at what she does and finally got them to tell me what in the hell was the hold up. All I needed to know was Dr. H was in one room for this whole time – I get it, I want an hour with her if I need an hour and I love that she spends the time needed with each patient – I just needed to be told this today. Instead I sat out there thinking my name got lost in the shuffle and just kept getting passed up.

Finally get called to go back to the chemo room, get a chair but still wasn’t told about Dr. H being with the same patient nor what was actually up with my blood. There are several factors that could have been off with my blood. Then sitting there, I had another breakdown or two or three – I lost count! I felt lost in the sea of other patients, I felt powerless and out of control. I was SO SO SO thankful to have Eric there with me. He went to ask what was up – that is when we were finally told she had been in one room the whole time. They also told him it was my white blood count that was at 1.2 and anything below 1.5 is iffy. Got word for Dr. H, go ahead with chemo and then I will get a neulasta shot on Monday. SH*T, I don’t want this shot. It makes my bones hurt so flippin’ bad, or at least it did last time. Anyway, once I was hooked up chemo was a breeze; I worked on necklaces and watched TV.

I tried so hard to be centered, to get back to level ground while I was breaking down but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get the negative out and the peace back in – goes to show me I have A LOT of work to do with being at peace with this, with everything. So all in all today sucked but picking up Ian was like a breath of fresh air. And I am SO glad next week is an off week….I need a week off from this bullsh*t.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

But, seriously, what NOT to say to someone with cancer

This is a really great article and it is so true. It is a quick read – this post will make more sense if you read the article first!


A few others things “we” people with cancer do NOT want to hear from you are:

Oh, so and so was cured at MD Anderson (or some other “hot” place to go). You have NO idea what type of cancer that person had, you have no idea what type of cancer I have – NOT the same thing.

Oh, so and so went through chemo and it was a breeze or it was horrible. Again, not something anyone who is going to start chemo wants to hear. This is the person’s story who is going through it, not your place to jump in with a story of an, oh I know someone story.

When one door closes another door opens. Screw off if you have ever told anyone this. Again, “we” with the cancer know this and do not feel it your place to tell us. Your health closing the door on you is NOT the time to throw out this little ditty.

God never gives you more than you can handle. Again – screw off. “We” all know what we can and can’t handle, “we” know God in our own way and don’t need you telling us this.

In line with the article saying “your poor thing” don’t give a pity look or “OMG THAT IS HORRIBLE” look either because I guarantee the person telling you this news KNOWS this is horrible and doesn’t need to read it on your face.

Wow, I guess I was a little angrier than I thought. I didn’t know I wanted to tell so many people to screw off after me having to tell them I had cancer again and biting my tongue to their responses.

While I am at it, I will go ahead and tell you what not to ask a person going through chemo:

Why are you so tired? Seriously, I have had that asked to me – well, because my body is being bombarded by chemo, which yes is to save my life, but also takes a slight toll on me physically.

Are you going to get a wig? NO – losing my hair is the least of my worries and if you need me to have a wig to make you feel better about the situation, well I am sorry and don’t really care.

Question: How do you feel on this chemo? Me: I actually feel good. This one is easier than the first time around. A little bone pain and tired, but nothing I can’t handle. Person asking the question: Oh let’s hope it stays that way. Seriously, do NOT say this. Don’t you think the person going through chemo hopes this more than anything and does NOT need you raining on them feeling good.

I am sure there are more and will let you know as I think of them.

It is hard to be my own cheerleader and also a cheerleader for other people to make them “ok” with what I am going through, so please don’t need me to make you feel okay with my situation. But do believe me if I say I feel great that in fact I do feel great or if I say I feel like crap that in fact I do feel like crap.

So please think before you speak and ask yourself, “if it were me in that situation, would I want to hear that” and I am guessing if you stop to think about it, you will be surprised at how much stupid stuff comes out of your mouth.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Port in…

After too much frustration trying to schedule this silly thing, getting called back yesterday from the blood place telling me they didn’t take enough blood for all the tests they needed to run and having to go back a second time to be stuck yet again (isn’t this the reason I am getting this d*mn port to be done getting stuck?!?!), to having to have Gina come over at 5:15 this morning to watch Ian, to really believing I was in a 3 ring circus in post-op, I am now home, with a port, a little sore and loving my snuggle time I am getting from my boys.
It was nothing exciting today except the post-op circus I was in. Holy moly, it was a little crazy (ok a lot) what was happening and it took everything I had not to blatantly give Eric a “what is the hell is going on look.” Here is the short of it and I am certain it isn’t going to sound as crazy when I write it, but so be it!

When I woke up there were 2 nurses in post-op. One was the trainer, the other the trainee. We have all been there – on the job training is tough especially if your trainer isn’t the best. So trainer is talking to the trainee like she has no idea what is going on (and maybe with good reason because I wasn’t sure she actually did) but then when she told me I couldn’t drink my “juice” which was a Capri-sun (which I didn’t even want because I wanted water but they would let me??) out of the container because I might spray it out everywhere I knew it was time for me to get out of there. However, I needed an x-ray first in which the trainee wheeled me down and had no idea where to go. In the hall she is randomly calling people’s names to figure out where to take me. So I was right, it doesn’t sound near as crazy as when I was in there…maybe my happy medicine had something to do with the craziness of it all?!?!

Regardless, I am home and happy! My Dr. also went in and cleaned up my old scar and put the new port in the same area so I won’t look like I have been stabbed in the chest twice…that is a great thing!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

A dream team

In church today we had a WONDERFUL message: building your dream team. It started with a little insight of geese flying in a V and why they do what they do. Very interesting – with them flying in a V they get 71% less wind resistance than if they flew solo. And they honk at the one in front to give encouragement and when the one in front gets tired, he goes to the back. How amazing is that? I think very!
Then we had a guest speaker: Mindy Audlin. She was talking about building a dream team and how even Jesus needed a dream team so who are we to think we can do this all on our own??

I feel like I have a dream team behind me for this go around. Now, don’t get me wrong – I had support the first go around but only the support I allowed in…and it wasn’t much only because I was stubborn (I know, me stubborn?!?!)

This time, I don’t have a choice – my neighborhood honeys (who are MUCH more than other mommies that I hang out with all the time – they have become best friends) they won’t let me tell them no, they won’t let me hole up and be sad, they won’t let me be on a team by myself. And let me tell you, I feel stronger than ever with my dream team behind me every step of the way.

Oh, back to church…she then told us to ask one another these two questions: What is it you feel you are being called to do? And what do you need to get it done?

I feel I am called to help people communicate with each other, spread love and joy to each other, and enhance each other’s lives. I am working on this – I have a wonderful idea that I am getting together and am almost ready to share.

What do I need to get it done? Well, first and for most to find the courage to step out and do it (and I feel me writing it here is that), then after I create what I need to create I need help marketing.

It is scary to step out and talk about this dream; it is scary to think what I would do if it took off but oh so exciting. It is scary to think that I would need to do it on my own, but then I remember there is no way I have to do anything on my own – all we have to do is ask.

So I ask you these two questions: what is it you feel you are being called to do? And what do you need to get it done?

Friday, April 15, 2011

Chemo Chronicle 2.2

Today started out wonderful, went downhill a bit to good and finally to ugh.
Of course it started early at 6:40 – why does Ian’s internal clock go off at 6:40 no matter what time he goes to bed?!?! Snuggled in bed, ate breakfast, yummy coffee (no more vanilla creamer for me – yes I am proud), made lunch for me and Eric to take to chemo (a big fat salad with yummy veggies and avocado and Melba toast if you are wondering!) and played, played, played with Ian. For those sweet hours of play I forgot what the rest of my day held for me – it was pure sweet bliss.

Took Ian over to Gina’s because she has so graciously volunteered to watch him on Fridays until this summer when his mother’s day out will be M/W/F – seriously not sure what I would do without the help of my girls.

Got to TOC, checked in, blood drawn (ONE STICK TODAY!!!), vitals checked and good to go. Talked to Lisa, Dr H’s nurse practitioner, my blood levels are fabulous, she told me I CAN take TWO Alieve at a time for bone pain (YIPPIE!!), we talked about a test they sent my tumor to have – pretty much DNA testing on my tumor and it came back with what chemos it WILL respond to and I am on one of the three that it WILL respond to!!

Dr H stepped in to say hi and to check on me (yes, I do love my oncologist!). We chatted about a friend of mine I met through the pink ribbon cowgirls who was diagnosed in November as Stage IV right off the bat – her last PET scan – NADA – all disease is gone. I told Dr H I heard what she did for her and I am shooting for clean PET scan in 6 months. They laughed and called me an overachiever but to hear Dr H tell me she has big plans for me and she is ready to knock this sh*t out of the park – made my heart smile. NOW that is what I am talking about!!

Visited with Erica for a few minutes and she gave me this awesome piece of canvas that says F*CK BREAST CANCER – I am going to make a cute canvas with this. Hopefully something she can set at her desk – I need to figure out how the make F*CK a little less there!

Got called back, got hooked up with no trouble, said a quick prayer and then the drip began. I visited with a sweet mom sitting across from me, Eric and I enjoyed our lunch, I made flowers and put together necklace chains for necklaces (Kate has requested inventory from me for an upcoming show) and chatted with Eric. Nothing exciting – easy.

Oh yeah, port is scheduled for Tuesday. I have to be there at 6:00 a.m. – UGH.

Home, picked up Ian, hung out at Gina’s for a bit, home to watch a little rest time t.v., started feeling blah but headed outside to let Ian play with the neighbors and they are so great with him that I could just sit and rest.

Ate leftovers from dinner that Kate brought last night and called it good.

I did find it very interesting though when I sat down to do my nightly writing. Eric’s sisters, mom and GG got me this great little book “God’s Inspirational Promises,” I opened it up and it landed on the page about courage. The message was “the disciples were common men given a compelling task. Before they were the stained glass saints, they were somebody’s next-door-neighbors trying to make a living and raise a family. There weren’t cut from theological cloths or raised on supernatural milk. But they were an ounce more devoted than they were afraid and, as a result, did some extraordinary things.”

Again, just what I needed to hear tonight. They were people, like you and me….simple as that. All it takes is a little courage and miracles are possible.

Yes, I am holding out for my miracle and I feel it in my being that it is there ready to be had.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Bittersweet

I try
To shut out the bitter

in my oh so sweet moments

of the day.

But it is hard.

I try to hand

all the bitter

over to God

but a little is left on my fingers.

I try to remember

that 5 good days

out of 7

is a great percentage.

I try to remember

friends having babies

is a miracle

although not mine.

I try to remember

normal has changed

several times before

and doesn’t mean

it can’t go back.

I try to remember

a time when cancer wasn’t

in my vocabulary

in my life.

I try to remember

My determination is strong

My love for life is stronger

My spirit is strongest

I try to remember

These oh so sweet times

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Dear Cancer....

Unfortunately we meet again. I beat you last time and I will beat you this time as well.


I still don’t understand you, I have no love nor hate for you, I just ask God everyday that you go away from me, from everybody…forever.

What is it about life that you want to take away from me, from so many?

Well the joke is on you cancer. You will be taken out when you are least expecting it. You will be imploded in my body, in whoever’s body you are trying to take over – you will not survive.

If there was a deal to make – eat only one thing for the rest of my life, walk on my hands, run 10 miles a days – I would do it. I would do it in a heartbeat. It would take every ounce of faith I had to trust you though….if we made a deal. You aren’t very trustworthy.

Cancer, don’t you get it? You are in a body that has a 3 ½ year old son, a wonderful husband, is a daughter, a sister, a friend and so much more. Don’t you get it – you are not welcome here. Nobody wants you here in my body or in any body’s body. Every body you are in has a life outside of you. Every body you are in is something to someone else. You try to make yourself their, my, our lives, but you can’t. You are not my life. You are a part of my life right now, but not for long. You will never be my life.

If you are trying to fit in with the crowd you are going about all the wrong way. You get way more friends with honey than vinegar. Why don’t you try that – why don’t you try being nice and see where that gets you. You can’t like what you are. You can’t be proud of what you are.

You can better. It is never too late to change. I will even offer to help you change; to be better, to stop this downward spiral you are in….I will help you.

I am ready to start helping you whenever, now, yesterday – the sooner the better.

Sincerely,

Renee


Write you own letter to cancer.  Every letter written, $50 is donated to American Cancer Society.

Monday, April 11, 2011

How do you feel?

Many have asked so I guess it is time to tell.
I feel okay.

Saturday I felt great…a little tired but nothing bad.

Sunday the aches started.

My bones ache like I have growing pains, my body aches like I have the flu.

Food wasn’t on my to-do list.

Today was better.

I am still pretty achy but I went for a walk this morning after dropping Ian off and that really seemed to help. Oddly enough, I hurt more when I am sitting still verses doing something.

I have eaten today but nothing really sounds good.

I can only take Alieve or Tylenol very sparingly because they can mask other problems.

I am tired, but not able to sleep soundly because lying in bed hurts my body.

I am blah.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Hungry

Last night, at dinner with Eric, listening to live music, celebrating our 6th anniversary, we (or maybe I) launched into the conversation of 6 years ago – we had NO idea where our lives would be today, would Eric had still married me knowing I was riddled with cancer (yes, I can be a TAD dramatic) and of course he being the prince he is said 1st off, you are NOT riddled with cancer, 2nd off you couldn’t have stopped me from marring you – oh I do love him.
And as most dinners go with a glass of wine, the “why” of it all came up. I said, “I just wish I knew my reason for this – I know there is a reason but what is it?” Would I do something different if I knew my reason for this? Is my reason for this really for me? What if it is to affect someone else to cause them to do something great – who knows? I would love to know.

Eric had a great response though – you are never greater at what you are doing than while you are hungry for the outcome. Once you get to the outcome - your ultimate goal, you let your guard down, you stop trying as hard as you once were because you are there.

This all made me really think. What would I do now if I knew my ultimate reason? Would I try as hard as I am now to understand it – I don’t know…why would I if I already understood it?

So it brings me back to my question of, “what is my reason for this?” I really wish I knew but I am not sure I will ever know. I guess it goes back to everyone’s question – what is our purpose here on earth…I want to think it is to love each other unconditionally but I am sap.

But for now I will stay hungry for life, love, a cure, my purpose, joy, happiness, my family & friends and so much more.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Chemo Chronicle 2.1

Friday, March 8:

Today started like any other day – Ian woke up at 6:40 and needed me to come lay with him. Of course I can’t refuse when we get to snuggle in his bed and chit chat for 20 minutes until his star goes off.

9:20 came fast but slow. Time seems to be a weird thing lately. It has been exactly one month since I received the call about an abnormal ct scan. Since that Tuesday so so much has happened – tests, biopsy, MD Anderson, visits from best friend, family, a few break downs and normal days in between. In one way I feel like I should have started chemo forever ago but on the hand I can’t believe I am already starting – crazy.

Kissing Ian good-bye this morning was like a kick to the gut (really, I don’t know what that is like because I have never been in a fight in my life (except on little altercation with a best friend but that was just me pulling her hair, OH and that one time I might have hit a boy friend with a car – that is still up for debate as well)) – so all in all, I have never been hit! I digress, back to today. Pulling into the TOC garage is when it hit, the sick feeling in my stomach, the wonder how I was going to make it up the stairs, the fear of what is about to happen to me and what my body is doing to itself.

Once paid, I had to get blood drown – d*mn it! 2 pokes later, they had the blood. After that I decided I AM getting a port…sometime next week. My veins suck (not due to this crap they always have) and if I need blood and an IV every Friday – well that just isn’t happening.

After talking with the nurse practitioner Eric remembered to ask her about my side (I THOUGHT I had gotten a few spider bites on my right side right under my ribs and all who know me know that the way I react to any kind of bite it was no surprise that I thought this major swelling around the bites was just spider bites)….it isn’t spider bites (no it isn’t the cancer trying to come out of my skin – hey, a girl can hope!) I have shingles…WTF?!?! I guess this virus is in most of us if we had chicken pox and then it like to come out when there is a change in stress level – NO idea what brought on the change of stress level?!?!

Okay, now I know I have shingles, am armed with a load of prescriptions we were off to the infusion room. Nothing too exciting happened here. It took about 2 hours in the infusion, but it won’t take that long once I get my port.

After we got home, I passed out for like 1.5 hours, got up felt great, went to Chuy’s for dinner because that just sounded really good – and it was!

Everyone wants to know how I feel. I feel fine – tired but fine. I am curious to see what the next few days bring?

Oh – the care calendar is up. If you told me you wanted me to add you and you have NOT received an email let me. There is a slight (SLIGHT!!) chance I overlooked something and didn’t add your name to the list – big surprise!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The truth of the matter

“You never find yourself until you face the truth” ~Pearl Bailey
What is it about talking to a parent that makes a person (or me at least) crumble? Today has been a big fat ugly rollercoaster of emotions that I was stuffing way down deep until I talked to my dad. He is a man of VERY few words (odd, I know I came from someone of very few words!) but it takes people like that to really get to me because I know what he is saying is from the heart and he isn’t just talking to talk (like so many of us – me, maybe?!?!).

There was just something about him telling me he would take my place in a second if he could that crumbled me. It hit me then that I am scared, I don’t want to start chemo tomorrow or ever, I don’t want this….I didn’t ask for it and I don’t want it.

But then in my next breath I look at my sweet angel Ian and know it doesn’t matter what I asked for because this is what I have and I will do anything in my power to live for him, for Eric, for myself – anything.

On my way to lunch with the Pink Ribbon Cowgirls, a support group (more like friends) of young breast cancer survivors I received a call from my pastor – it was at the perfect time. He told me just what I needed to hear and I hung up knowing all will be right with the world one day.

After lunch I had to head to my ob office for a quick check up before starting chemo. This really hit me hard seeing other happy pregnant women in there. I was very envious of them, of their lives, of what I will never have again….a pregnant belly with a life inside me. It will take all I have to hold onto this life inside of me right now….me.

I am scared but I am alive.

I don’t want to start chemo but it will save me.

I don’t want to have cancer but it will guide me to be someone bigger and better than I am.

I guess the simplest version of the truth of my matter right now is, I AM LIVING and will continue to be for a VERY long time….maybe on chemo, maybe not but there is only one way to figure it out – start.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Loving What Is

After visiting with my pastor a few weeks ago he recommended I read a book called “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie. It is a very interesting book and has really solidified my belief in my thought of, it is what it is.
She says in the book there are three types of business: your own business, someone else’s business or God’s business. When you are in someone else’s business you cannot be totally whole and present in your own business. Example: you are all up in a friend’s business in what your friend shouldn’t have done in some situation – none of your business. You can NOT be present in your own business if you are all up in someone else’s business.

I am looking at this “thing” in my life as God’s business. It is His to take control of, it His to do with what He needs to do, it is His – not mine. One of my best friends told me today at the gym that she is doesn’t understand how I am handling this so well. In my mind, there is nothing for me to handle. YES it sucks A*S that I will be in chemo for maybe 10 months…maybe 10 years – at this point I don’t know. But I do know that no amount of worry, no amount of “what if” scenarios played out in my mind, no amount of F*CK THIS will actually do me any good.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have major breakdowns, I get p*ssed, I really want to beat up a fax machine with a baseball bat (which a friend has loaned me) and listen to “Damn it feels good to be gangster” in the process – and I might organize a little get together and do so. I do give myself a few minutes – not a few hours, not a few days – a few minutes of p*ssed pity party and then party over sister.

I had one of those today when I was trying to decide what day I should have chemo. I just needed to know what days after it I would feel my worst, and no one could seem to tell me sh*t. I was p*ssed – just tell me something so I can know what to do. After talking to a great friend who also works at Tx oncology I got my answer – she asked the pharmacist and according to him 90% of people just feel really worn down…but not down and out like I was last time. Eric did a little more research and I am thinking I will feel like I have a cold – the whole time and no one day seems to be worse than another. THAT is what I needed to know – some facts people – I just need the facts!!

If all goes as planned my first chemo day will be this Friday at 10 a.m.

“Life is full of ups and downs. The trick is to enjoy the ups and have courage during the downs.” ~ Anonymous

Friday, April 1, 2011

We went, we looked, we left....

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and over you” Psalm 32:8

Houston bound started a bright and early 5:50 a.m. this morning. Shower, dressed, packed an “in case” overnight bag, stir fry quinoa for breakfast (yes I am odd and eat non-breakfast foods for breakfast), loved on Ian, was assured by Be Be multiple times they would be fine, just go already and we were out the door. The ride there I had too much nervous energy and chomped gum until my jaw was sore.

After nasty Houston traffic, we found MD Anderson, parked in the MASSIVE parking garage, got out the instructions on where to actually go, found our way around the maze and there we were. I didn’t like it from the get go – the garage, the building, and the masses of people – everything was SO big and so impersonal. Once we got checked I was giving my patient number – which I would now be referred to as…not like it at all.

Once back to meet the nurse, the PA and the Dr I was starting to like the place a little more….a little. The Dr stayed in there for 50 minutes talking to us about the options, the facts, the chances, the everything. I really enjoyed his spin on cancer.

I know in my heart we were guided to him for this, I know in my heart all the prayers I have been praying for about needing a black and white choice were answered today.

Here is the short version of what he told us: if you know something already works on you, why would you give that up to see if something possibly, maybe, might work? I responded excellent to a group of drugs called taxaims last time – that is what Dr H wanted to put me on this time. I am not sure what Eric and I were holding out for, but we needed to hear it in these words “USE WHAT WORKS.” IF we have to deal with something again, we will see what is in the box of tricks but for now, the best in the box of tricks in this.

He also said we can only deal with the right now and right now, this is what is. 
I 100% believe that. I have believed that forever – right now is the only thing we can control. We can’t second guess ourselves, we have to hold tight to our beliefs, our guidance, our choices, ourselves.

A few people were disappointed for me with this news, but don’t be. In my heart, I felt this was right all along, I felt I belonged in Austin for treatment, I just felt this was my path.

“in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight” Proverbs 3:6

I asked for guidance, I received it, now I will follow it with a pure loving heart – one which is ready to get on with this sh*t and call it good!!

What’s next? I called Dr H to tell her I am ready to schedule a port and chemo. More than likely I will do day surgery and a port will go in next week and chemo will start next week or the week after. And with that for all who were wondering about the care calendar, Gina will send something out once I get my first chemo day scheduled.

In my mind, the sooner we get this started, the sooner it will end!

Love to all...now lets get this train a rollin'