Thursday, April 7, 2011

The truth of the matter

“You never find yourself until you face the truth” ~Pearl Bailey
What is it about talking to a parent that makes a person (or me at least) crumble? Today has been a big fat ugly rollercoaster of emotions that I was stuffing way down deep until I talked to my dad. He is a man of VERY few words (odd, I know I came from someone of very few words!) but it takes people like that to really get to me because I know what he is saying is from the heart and he isn’t just talking to talk (like so many of us – me, maybe?!?!).

There was just something about him telling me he would take my place in a second if he could that crumbled me. It hit me then that I am scared, I don’t want to start chemo tomorrow or ever, I don’t want this….I didn’t ask for it and I don’t want it.

But then in my next breath I look at my sweet angel Ian and know it doesn’t matter what I asked for because this is what I have and I will do anything in my power to live for him, for Eric, for myself – anything.

On my way to lunch with the Pink Ribbon Cowgirls, a support group (more like friends) of young breast cancer survivors I received a call from my pastor – it was at the perfect time. He told me just what I needed to hear and I hung up knowing all will be right with the world one day.

After lunch I had to head to my ob office for a quick check up before starting chemo. This really hit me hard seeing other happy pregnant women in there. I was very envious of them, of their lives, of what I will never have again….a pregnant belly with a life inside me. It will take all I have to hold onto this life inside of me right now….me.

I am scared but I am alive.

I don’t want to start chemo but it will save me.

I don’t want to have cancer but it will guide me to be someone bigger and better than I am.

I guess the simplest version of the truth of my matter right now is, I AM LIVING and will continue to be for a VERY long time….maybe on chemo, maybe not but there is only one way to figure it out – start.
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