Love Actually…

Is all around. Now, I didn’t come up with that line myself, I just watched one of my favorite movies – Love Actually. And it is true, love actually is all around. I was at the post office the other day – BLAH, and a woman walked up to me, and asked if she could ask me a personal question. Before cancer, I didn’t open up to many people, but I have learned through this, why the hell not. It isn’t going to hurt me any to open up and it might actually help someone if I do.
I smiled and said yes. She asked if I was going through chemo and when I said yes, she gave me a cute scarf she made. She told me a little of her story – when she was going through chemo, her sister made her lots of these scarves, she just had her reconstructive surgery and just the day before had her nipples tattooed on. That might shock a lot of people, but when a person gets a mastectomy, EVERYTHING is gone – no breast tissue can be left. So in order for some woman to feel whole/normal again, they choose the tattoo route.
She asked me where I was at in my treatment, asked me if I was able to eat and told me not to worry about all the little shit in life because it just isn’t worth it. Well, how awesome was that for a total stranger to share so much of herself with me because she noticed I didn’t have hair and she took it upon herself to take a chance and come ask me something very personal.
Opening up is scary stuff. I think it is most scary to open up to myself, then to share it with others. Once you say it out loud, or in my case lately – type it out, it is real. Every thought has meaning and emotion behind and it is nothing to be embarrassed about it. This is one of the meaning life lessons I am not sure if I would have learned without Bill invading my life and you know what, this is just another reason I am thankful for Bill. Now don’t get me wrong, I am ready for that bastard to die, but I am glad he was here for a bit.

Chemo Chronicle #7…

And with the end of this one, I am walking on sunshine because I ONLY HAVE ONE LEFT!!! Being as my blood work looked so good, I don’t have to get a shot a tomorrow, so I am praying I will feel better all around Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I am still expecting the flu like symptoms, but those won’t be near as bad without the bone pain.

The chemo room was hoping today. Derek said it was because people try to get another treatment in before the end of the year and new set of insurance deductibles…oh, don’t even get me started on the deductibles – well more so, my co-pays that I will have to pay for radiation. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am so fortunate to have the great insurance I do have, but man alive, the special doctor visits co-pays really add up.

Back to chemo – this treatment wasn’t too bad. I did the ice therapy again on my hands and feet. Again, my feet numbed up quick and didn’t really bother me, my hands were a lot more difficult to keep in the ice for long periods of time, but I did it. All I kept thinking about was the gifts I want to make Jenn for her baby shower, the cute Valentine gift ideas I have in mind and all the stuff I so enjoy doing. In my mind, a few hours of pain in ice were so worth it to have all the feeling in my hands for my lifetime.

Eric went and got us subway again for lunch and that helped so much to have a lunch there verses waiting to come home when I would be hungry. I even managed to enjoy an apple and a salad for dinner – I am so excited those sounded good and tasted good. I really want to start eating better again.

I noticed a lot of younger woman such as myself today. A few I had seen before, but there were many I hadn’t ever seen. I do wonder why they are there.

Oh, one lady got to “ring the bell” today – I will get to ring it next week. On your last bwas going to ring the hell out of that bell – hell yes I am!! I am also going to take a cake up there to thank the nurses for such wonderful treatment and to share with the others to show them to hang in there – their time to ring the bell will be around the corner. Yes, I will take a party to the chemo room!!

Pulling it all together

It is easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of the holidays – you have to get this, wrap that, go to this party, mail this stuff, make cookies for school, etc, etc, etc. The list never seems to end and in my mind, even when I am not going through chemo, I get completely overwhelmed and bogged down and sometimes just shut down. That is what I do when I get overwhelmed and have too much to do and can’t see the light at the end, I shut down and don’t do anything. Now, I am fully aware this is the most unproductive way to deal with the “I have too much to do” feeling, but that is what I do. That I my New Year’s resolution – when I feel overwhelmed, step back, breath and DO something about it instead of step back and walk away.
With that in mind, the thought of the process to start the non-profit has been completely overwhelming me. I have NO idea how to go about this. Yes, I purchased a book, yes, I have talked to a ton a people who have offered to help me, yes, I have done some research, yes, I have started a business plan but I can’t get all these pieces to come together. An amazing woman from church has offered to help me in allowing me to take her business coaching classes, which I am so grateful for and extremely excited about. But I am scared, what if all these people offer me the help and the tools to do this and I still can’t pull it all together? What then? I feel like I need/want to talk about this idea/vision to everyone I meet because then if I put it all out there, I can’t NOT succeed and make it happen because I won’t only be letting myself down but everyone else I have told about my dream.

Bone Blues…

Yeap, they are back – the bone pains. But, it is okay – I took my pain medicine and am lying on the couch watching talk shows. And with all this watching of talk shows, I have registered to win all the cool stuff the audience members win – how awesome would that be if from me having to be home on the couch, I won something?!!? I think it would be great!!

I went to lunch with Eric hoping getting out would do me some good, but it didn’t work out as planned. I was hoping I would get out and be like, hey, I feel great, let me run to Sam’s to pick up our Christmas cards I need to send out in hopes of them arriving before the new year :-P and get Ian some diapers. I really feel like we buy diapers all the time. I can only imagine how the Mills feel – 3 kids in diapers – YIKES!!! Back to the Christmas cards, I had the best intentions of making our Christmas cards this year, but that just didn’t happen – oh, I always have great intentions and then run out of time.

I am not even real sure what the point of this post was - more random thoughts that I didn't want to get lost!

UGH….

Okay, let me preface this with this time is nowhere near as bad as last time and I am not throwing myself a pitty party today or this week – I am just telling it how it is. And, like Eric’s G.G. who says she has earned the right to tell it like it is, I believe I have also earned that right with all this crap.
My bones don’t hurt, but my body does. Just think when you feel yourself getting sick – the back of your tongue hurts and the glands in your throat and your body just aches – that is how I felt last night and still do this morning. BUT, it isn’t that bad. It is colder than all get out here today – well, not really, but it is cold, so me laying on the couch and watching movies all day sounds like a perfect plan to me!

Random thoughts

I realized today that I have a lot of random thoughts that get lost in my head because I don’t have anyone to tell them to. I mean, I could pick up the phone and call someone but most people I know are at work, with a few exceptions, but all of my phone buddies do have other things going on and don’t necessarily want to know my thoughts on Rachel Ray or some other obscure thought I have. When I was at work, especially when Laurie and I worked together, I would go tell her most every thought I had throughout the day – or email her at least.

I feel that it is my duty to write these thoughts down and let the world know – or at least anyone reading this craziness – my random thoughts. More than anything, I feel like I have to write them down and put them out there or here, so I don’t lose a part of myself. I do think that is part of what makes me, well me – my random thoughts that I just spit out when I am with people.

1. Rachel Ray – well, anyone could cook a 30 meal like that if we had someone cut up all our ingridents before we even started cooking. I must admit though, I am highly jealous of what she is able to cook – even though none of it is healthy – I wish I wanted to cook. I know I am perfectly able to cook and when I do it I enjoy, it is the prep process I hate – what are we going to have, what do I need to get from the store, GOING to the store – blah.

2. I so want to be an organized person. I would pay a lot of money (I don’t know how much I could talk Eric into agreeing to) but that aside, in a perfect world where money didn’t matter, I would pay a lot of money for someone to come and organize me. I really think if someone helped me get organized I could stay organized. Marci organized my closest while she was here for my wedding (yes, that is one of the million reasons she is my best friend) and it is still pretty organized to this day. Being pregnant kind of threw me for a loop because I had to add clothes that weren’t in her original plan. Anyway, I received my new Better Homes and Garden magazine and man alive, they have 45 ways to get organized and I have read them 5 plus times and they all sound great, but getting it done for me is so hard. I look at ideas, and have tons of ideas, but then I get overwhelmed and don’t do anything. I really don’t like this about myself and want to change – any ideas are welcome here.

3. I have the oddest things happen to me – or I think so at least. I FINALLY remembered to bring my salad spinner home from work when I was there last week with high hopes of me having it back home, I would start eating more salads. Well, when we went over to the Cox’s Saturday night, Eric parked the car right by the gutter so the car was on a little bit of a slant. I got out to get Ian out of the backseat and bam, there it goes – the lid – the most important part of a salad spinner goes flying out of the car and down the gutter. Are you kidding me? Seriously, my salad spinner lid just went down the gutter.

4. I go to Michael’s way to often. I was in there the other day getting stuff to make baby shower invites and lady who checked me out said, oh that hat is so cute – did you make it? I explained to her that NO, I didn’t make it. That my mother-in-law once tried to teach me to knit and it didn’t turn out well. Then she said, you always look so cute with all your different hats. That is when I knew, I have a problem – I go there way too often if she remembers that I wear hats all the time.

5. I will never pay full price for anything again and more so, we will not eat out UNLESS we have a coupon! I have found so many coupons and deals on-line that in my mind there is no reason to pay full price. I love sniffing out a deal and getting a bargain. Now, I have to work up the nerve to call Sprint to tell them I want my full $150 rebate now verses in March because I need a new phone NOW. Marci (again to my rescue) gave me tips this afternoon for me not to be a pushover. I know this might surprise some people, but when I ask for something from someone, if they say no to me, I give up pretty easily – again, something I would like to change about myself.

6. Seriously, I can’t spell to save my life. While writing this, I have had a few words that spell check doesn’t even recognize – nice. How are I am going to help Ian learn to spell when I can’t even do it? I used to tell my mom I was sick on Fridays because I didn’t want to go to school because it was spelling test day. I must I have a total handful for her!

7. I LOVE infomercials. Pretty much, if someone made a good enough infomercial, they could sell me ANYTHING. I am not sure what it is about them – well, that isn’t true. They make a task, any task look SO easy to do. And easy, I love

8. I HATE, HATE, HATE going to the bank. I am not sure why, but I do. I had to go this afternoon and it is just such a pain.

Okay, I think these are enough for now – not to say I don’t have a ton more to run through. I have a feeling once I look back on these I will see what a goof ball I really am!

Chemo Chronicle #6

I thought I needed to post this ASAP due to everyone being worried about me. Well, I am happy to report that this time was SO much better than last time. I spoke with my Dr. and she said I have to do the full nulasta shot tomorrow (boo!) but if my counts stay up, then I won’t have to have one for the final two treatments (YEAH!!!).
The chemo room was hopping today and a little backed up so even though I saw my Dr. promptly at 9:00, I didn’t get hooked up until 10:00 and we left at 2:30.
I made a few friends while Eric was out getting subway for lunch. It worked out much better this time because I ate right when I started getting hungry verses waiting until I was starving before Eric went to get lunch – good times all around.
Anyway, my new friends. Two ladies with completely different stories. One lady lives an hour and half outside of town, so on her chemo weeks, she and her husband rent an apartment downtown – how fun. The other lady, I didn’t really get her story but she looked sad and tired. She brought some yummy snacks that I would have liked to munch on while Eric was gone.
Then, there was a man (of course it was a man! :-P) across from me also and he was the biggest grump ever. He was hateful to his wife (who was trying to help) and they would not stop bickering back and forth with each other. I told Eric if we ever bicker like that, we are getting a divorce because we would drive anyone around us NUTS! I was so close to telling them to take their negativity outside because we all need all the positive energy we can get WHILE GETTING CHEMO!! But, I talk a big game (as many of you know) but I would never actually tell someone that.
I had both my hands and feet in the ice baths this time, but I tweaked the process – instead of putting my hands with latex gloves on directly in a bowl of ice, I brought freezer bags and held the bag of ice, so I could move around and then for my feet, I had on thin socks and put bags over my feet while I put them in a tub of ice. My feet weren’t bad at all – they numbed up quickly. My hands were a little harder to keep on ice, but oh well. My dr. also gave me the names of 3 natural herbs to take to help with the tingling…I will do anything once.
So I am hoping that the shot effects won’t be as bad as last time, but if they are, I am prepared with movies and pain meds! I am all done Christmas shopping so I have nothing to worry about and can totally relax and get better.
Hugs to all and thank you for all the warm, healing wishes.

I DON’T WANT TO GO…

In my best 4 year-old voice of a child (me at 4) not wanting to go to the doctor. Now, I won’t make Eric chase me around the car to catch me in order to have to physically drag me into the office like I used to do to my mom – and I WONDER where Ian gets his stubbornness from?!?! This has been the only Monday thus far that I really don’t want to go. I am trying and trying hard to think – it won’t be as bad as last time because I am not sick this time and maybe, hopefully, my blood counts are all still high enough that my dr. will say we can decrease the shot amount tomorrow; therefore, I won’t feel like I have the flu mixed with growing bones Wednesday – Friday and finally, I have to think, after today, I only have TWO more treatments. That is really all I can think of right now - TWO MORE. I remember how excited I was after my first one when I thought, hey, I only have 7 more. Two more I can do, it is like the 2 miles of a marathon – or so I think – I have never ran more than a 10k and that about did me in! J
But yes, today, I have a case of the Mondays and just want to stay in bed and act like none of this is really happening. But it is, so here I am, just finished breakfast, have my numbing cream on my port and waiting for Eric to get back from taking Ian to school so we can go. And to make matters worse – well not really, but I feel like being a baby right now so I will lay it on thick – it is freaking freezing outside. And under normal circumstances, the cold makes my bones hurt anyway and now, well, I just don’t like the cold!

People Person

I have always known I love being around people, talking with others and most of all laughing with others – some things are just better with others! I didn’t realize how much I missed being around people on a daily basis until this week. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am around people (Eric and Ian) daily, but I am not around different people daily. Ian doesn’t really talk – he makes me laugh all the time but no real stories come from him and Eric isn’t what I would call a big chit chatter. He is a great listener, but come on, even I can only talk SO much. Eric realized the other night that I need to be around people more often – when we were talking, in the middle of a conversation, I just busted out of nowhere how much I love the crazy little tree in our living room. He said, you really need to see and talk to more people daily.
I do talk on the phone daily but it just isn’t the same and being in a group of people, chit chatting and laughing.
Yesterday and today, I went to have lunch with friends whom I know from work – past and present. I haven’t felt so good in some time and I know it is because of my outings.
Being around people is like a battery charger for me. I feel alive when talking to others and even more so laughing with them. So to all those in my life who make me laugh, over the phone or in person, thank you. You will never know how much talking with each and every one of you – on the phone or in person, how much it means to me and how much it lights up my life.

I’ll Stop the World

Eric received a call Monday around 4:00 telling him Ian was running a 102 fever. Of course, I initially freak out for several reasons – I hate when he runs a fever because I hate when he doesn’t feel good and yes, even though he is 16 months old, I still freak out with him having a fever even though the doctor says it is no biggie until 104 – WHAT? 104 in my book is all freak out mood and let’s run to the hospital. Now, haven’t really ever gone to the hospital for his fever because fortunately, we have always been able to get it to come down with Motrin and a bath. Back to me freaking out on Monday with this fever - reason two, if he was truly sick, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to be around him because I can NOT get sick or things could really go downhill for me. Just the thought of me NOT being able to help take care of my sick baby really, REALLY upset me. Luckily, that thought didn’t last too long because Eric called me as soon as he picked him and said he was 99% sure it was his teeth – Ian always runs high fever with his teeth and gets super rosy checks and super cranky and tired. Eric had seen Ian’s I-teeth on the top AND bottom cutting in when he picked him up. Okay great, I can be around him and help take care of him. When they got home, I could tell Ian just didn’t feel good, so I had do what I had to do – sit and hold him and let him sleep on me! Oh, it was wonderful! Yes, I was that mother for the first 3 months sat and held him probably 90% of the time – especially while he slept. I never got anything done because I would sit and hold him most of the day. But you what, I would not trade those moments for anything – I didn’t care if the house didn’t get cleaned, if me and Eric didn’t have dinner to eat, I was enjoying my baby and letting him know how much I loved him.
To say the least, Ian doesn’t let anyone hold him for more than a few minutes these days and he is getting to the point where he doesn’t really even want to be rocked at night, so you can only imagine how my heart swelled on Monday when he fell asleep in my arms and stayed asleep for well over an hour. I hate when he is sick and doesn’t feel good but I will always be there to comfort him in any way I can and if that means stopping the world in our house and putting everything on hold and him sleeping on me for however long, so be it, that it what I will do.

Minor breakdown…

complete. Yes, yesterday was awful but I think in some weird way it helped me to cry and let it all out to mom, Eric and Rachele – like Rachele told me, it is hard to be strong all the time. And it is – I want to be strong but it is hard to hold onto that “I’m okay face” all the time and yesterday, I just couldn’t do it anymore. So, after a few good cries, some good pain medicine, a good night’s sleep, I am back in business this morning! My bones still hurt, but not near as bad as yesterday and I figured out if I have on shoes, it helps my feet a lot.
So, I am leaving my own pitty party right now, going to get back to where I need to be – this is ALMOST over, only 3 more treatments left, I am 62.5% done with treatments, whatever it takes I will get myself through this.

Prayers

I am not sure if I have ever openly solicited prayers for myself from others, but I am doing it now. Today has sucked – big time. From my waist down, my bones hurt so bad I can barely stand or walk. The bottom of my feet feel like they are on fire when I stand on them, so to say the least, I have been laying on the couch all day which really isn’t comfortable because my hips hurt. So yes, I am asking for prayers for myself for this bone pain to go away and for me not to get it again.

I have been sitting at a table for one in my own pitty party today and I know this, but I can’t even talk to mom or Eric without crying about all this shit. I am trying, really trying not to let this one horrible day break me. It won’t break me, I know it but I am so ready to feel better. I want to enjoy the holidays like I should be able to and not deal with any of this right now. I wish I could put this on hold until after the holidays, but I can’t so for now, please pray that it gets better – quickly so I can enjoy the holidays with my family and friends.

xoxo
Renee

Different….

Well, all I can say about this treatment is that the effects have been much different from A/C. I am not sure they are worse or how to describe them, but I do have the “bone pain” they warned me about. The best way I can describe it is the “growing pains” we all experienced when we getting a growth spurt. I have these pains mainly in my lower back, calf bones and ankles – all very odd. She told me I could take pain medicine for them but really, I don’t want to be looped out all day so I am going to try to get through them. I honestly think once I start working on a few things (cards and painting) it will take my mind off them and I will be okay – here’s hoping my plan works!

Other than that, all seems pretty normal. I am not near as wiped out as I had been after the A/C, but have been able to sleep solid at night – well, the help of ambeian! Eh, whatever, I have decided that if I have to take those to actually sleep, than I have to!

Photo shot

I had the absolute pleasure of meeting and having my photos as well, as family photos, taken by Katie Jo from Heart Roots Photography. When I wrote her about what I was wanting to do – embrace my bald head and be proud of it, she offered to do the shot free of charge. And I couldn’t have asked for better photos. She is so sweet and carrying; I truly believe I ran across her at an obscure craft fair for this very reason. Please, visit her blog at www.heartroots.org if you ever need someone to take photos. She is truly wonderful. There are more photos of our shot on her blog also.

Also, I have to say thank you to Mistell Connell from Neiman Marcus. All those who know my mom, know she loves her make-up and more so Bobbi Brown. Mom has been a long-time customer of Mistelle’s – well, since Neiman Marcus opened. Anyway, last time we were in there, I asked her if she did make-up for photos, and she said that is what she loves to do. She is wonderful. I highly recommend anyone who needs make-up done to go see her – or even if you just want to go with new make-up, she will make anyone feel beautiful!
I just want to say thank you to these two wonderful woman who made me feel like a princess for the day and take my mind off of me having cancer.

It’s a beautiful day…

After the crap ass day yesterday, today has turned out to be beautiful! I woke up rested and still pretty loopy from all that medicine yesterday, BUT I didn’t feel sick to my stomach at all and that f-ing cough was gone! My hands and feet had an odd tingling feeling in them this morning but have since gone away. No muscle or joint pain either. She said that could set in about 24 – 48 hours after the treatment so I am really hoping with it not in the first 24 hours, it won’t at all!

I don’t have much of an appetite. Honestly, I am so ready to be able to eat again. It is hard being hungry but the thought of food grossing you out. I am eating some instant wonton soup though – odd, I know. Not something I would eat in my “normal” life. Oh, how I do miss my normal life. When I start to think of my normal life, I have to remind myself, this is my life for the time being and if I look to the past to my other life, it won’t do me any good with where I am now right here and now. It is hard though – I so want to be able to take care of Ian like I used to, I don’t want to have to depend on Eric as much as I need to, I want to go run and get sweaty – I know I said I was fine with pilates, yoga and thai chi – which I am, but man alive, I want to go get a sweat on like nothing else right now. With that being said, Eric and I have decided after all my treatments are done and surgery is over, we are going to train for a ½ marathon – there I said it, I put it out there so now we have to do it! I am so excited for us to start running together again. When we first meet, that is how we really got to know one another – running the trail at townlake 3 times a week and talking. Now, it is going to take me some time before I am able to run and talk again, but I will get there and I can’t wait!

Chemo Chronicle #5

Today’s chemo session was hands down the worst, hardest and longest session yet. We got to the office at 8:30, I talked to my doctor and all is well there. I was hooked up to my first bag of medicine at 9:00 – think a huge bag of benadryl. I was hoping it was going to knock me out but it didn’t fully do its job. I was just in la-la land and looping the whole time, so I couldn’t even do anything to pass the time because nothing made sense to me. I was given the benadryll because the taxol can cause major allergic reactions in some people. And one of the first signs of a reaction is a dry cough – which I had already. All the nurses were on HIGH alert with me all day because of my cough, which in turn made me feel bad for them. So, I would try to hold in my
coughs then that would make it all the worse.

The few times I had to use the restrooms, Eric had to stand outside the door because I couldn’t lock the door incase I had a reaction. Unfortunately, I knew these reactions they were telling me about were in fact real because a lady on the next row had one. All the doctors came running and nurses swarmed – it was rather frightening. But now I knew why they were talking my cough so serious.

So, there I was thinking at any minute I could have a reaction all the while putting my hands in an ice bath. One of the side effects of taxol is nerve damage to the hands and feet which in turn would cause them to feel like they were asleep all the time. Well, the thought of me not being able to use my hands to create things made me so very scared and that is why I decided to do the ice bath – which I will do the next 3 times also. That was pretty tough and that took my mind off a few things but it sure didn’t make the time pass quickly. Then I started feeling sick to my stomach, which I think was from not eating so Eric went and got us sandwiches. That started to help but didn’t totally take it away. After eating and while doing the ice bath, I started having hot flashes also. Nice – I have had a few on and off while I have been sleeping but never while awake. Immediately, I had to take off my hat and kick off the blanket – I was miserable. I just keep praying these hot flashes are not the start of menopause though.

My cough was getting much worse at this point and everyone is freaking out. Derek, my nurse, suggested cough medicine, which I had a prescription for the whole time but none of us thought to get it filled there at that pharmacy. This is when I broke, I just started crying. I didn’t feel good from my cold, my cough was driving me nuts and had everyone on edge and I just wanted to go home.

While Eric was at the pharmacy getting the medicine, the lady next to told me what a wonderful husband I have. And when Eric was making my appointment for the surgery consult, Derek was telling me how lucky I was to have Eric there with me every time and the support he gives me isn’t what he sees everyday. I know all this and will eternally grateful for him in my life. He also told me I couldn’t ever cry like that in front of him again because it broke his heart. He is truly a carrying nurse – they all need to be like him.

Back to the day’s drama – my stomach was still on edge, so they ordered a bag full of medicine that in pill form makes me pass out so the IV form was going to do a deed on me. At this point, I had had the bag of benadryl, cough medicine that is basically codeine and then was getting this other bag of medicine. I was truly expecting to go limp in the chair and completely pass out. It didn’t happen that way, but when we finally left at 2:30, I had to hold on to Eric’s arm in order to actually walk.

That was on of the longest days ever but it is over now. We came home and I passed out for a few hours and woke up to something great – our Christmas tree was up!! But no matter how bad this day was, it is over now and I only have 3 more treatments left!