The Knock…

knowing the sound

of the Knock

that Precious knock

knowing all I needed to do

was open the door

the door that seemed

to have been bolted shut

for way too long


The door…

I admit

I have cracked it open -

just a sliver…

a small sliver

from time to time

always

too afraid

to fling it open

wide open -

not knowing

what was on

the other side

but

the Knock continued

day and night -

always

some days

it would drive me crazy –

I would try anything

to make it stop

other days

I would entertain

the idea

of possibly

maybe

opening

The door.

one day…

my heart won

the battle of the day

I let my heart

have its way

I let my heart

open the door –

I was tired

tired of fighting…

fighting

to keep

the door closed

to keep

my heart in the dark

to keep

me where I was…

 

A light so bright

Joy so intense

Peace so calming

Love so burning

was on the other side

God smiled at me

and said,

I’ve been waiting…

for you

Bite me...

My steroids are like the “bite me” cookies in my Cancerland.

They are there, telling me to take them…eat them – I need them but the effects they have on me are maddening…they make me big with weight gain, they make my mind go a little crazy – ok maybe a lot crazy – I never know when the effects will hit or wear off…but I must continue to take them, so my brain doesn’t swell.

The steroids provide comfort for me to know my brain isn’t swelling but they wreak havoc on my body and mind.

I am in the midst of another cycle of steroids due to the last ER trip a week ago and the after radiation swelling…the steroids are wearing me out – physically and mentally.

I can’t sleep more than 4 hours at a time – even at night.

I am hungry ALL the time but am trying to eat healthy.

My head starts to hurts if they wear off.

I want to be off the steroids, but I know I have to take them.

Numb...

I can’t imagine what they are going through – her family…their thoughts, their love for her, their prayers – their everything.

She was getting better…and now I don’t know.

I almost hate when it is time for me to leave town now on summer vacation – my life changed last year while on vacation…I pray it doesn’t this year…my heart hurts and stomach is sick.

I just want her to be good…hell, I will settle for ok right now.

I just want this to all go away for her, for her loved ones, for so many…

Nothing makes sense to me right now…I feel like cancer is the Cheshire Cat in Renee In Cancer Land – it shows up when it wants it, it disappears now and then,

From Alice In Wonderland:

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't much care where –" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"– so long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

The cat is an enigma – perhaps symbolizing the mystery of Wonderland itself. Of how nonsense has a way of making sense. The Cheshire cat to me is the one character of Wonderland who does make a kind of sense to me.

He knows he's mad.

I guess kind of like we all know we are going to die at some point, but never thought we would think about it like this…it consumes you.

The cat comes and he goes - he's is and he isn't - he's there then he's not.... When the queen tries to behead the cat, he disappears, but his head remains and he asks, “can something that does not have a body be beheaded?”

So yes, cancer itself is the cat…does it even have a body?

I am a wreck – I just want to talk to her, to hug her, to see her smile, to text her my chemo schedule and see if we can meet up while there…

I just want a lot right now.
Please pray for my friend. Please pray God fills her with healing loving light right now...right this second...please pray.

Can I get off this merry go-round now??

I feel like I am on a merry go-round…all the time – up and down, round and round, up and down, round and round…forever going on…I just want off for a little bit…but then I wonder – what would happen if I did get off?

Aren’t we all on a merry go-round – isn’t that life??

I had to go back to the ER on Friday because my whole right side went numb and this time I had a twitch added to it – a twitch in my right upper leg that would not stop, probably lasted 3 hours total and finally stopped when they gave me an IV steroid and muscle relaxer.

When I first called my radiation doctor to see what they wanted me to do, he said ER because he was afraid it might be a stroke.  But I was 99% sure it wasn’t and it was just brain swelling again, but I wasn’t going to be 100% until I had a CT scan.

SO the ER was a total cluster. The admin lady…well, let’s just say IF I were having a stroke, well, I am not sure how that would have turned out.  After WAY TOO long in my opinion, she got me checked in.  I GUESS she could tell by my speech and ability to smile I wasn’t having a stroke...but it still took a LONG time.

Got back, talked to the same ER dr who had to tell me the first time that it was a tumor (yes he remembered me), got blood drawn, IV hooked up, then a trauma came in, so I had to wait another 30 minutes or so until my other RN got there and then she came in and gave me my medication – I finally stopped shaking and calmed down due to medication.

Got my CT scan – all was clear!!

So this was all caused from the swelling, so I am back on steroids…lovely!

I am completely worn down…I think the radiation is taking full effect now…hence the swelling again.

I have slept on and off most of the day Saturday and today and am still tired. I am tired of being tired, but oh well…it is what it is at this point.

I kind of sort of had Eric shaved my head this morning…my hair is really falling out and it hurts and it is just easier with it so short…so be it.

We leave this week to go up to Eric’s family lake house in MI and I so looking forward to that!

Here is to keepin’ on keepin’ on.

About you?.

I realized the other that I haven't asked about about you.
And yes, I am honestly intrigued about you.

So if you would, please share with me a story from your life:

A hard time a hard time in your life and how you overcame it?

I would say my hardest time thus far in life is dealing with cancer, but I overcome it day by day. I remember to know how blessed I am, tell my loved ones how much they mean to me and I remember to love with my whole heart.

Radiation…it is catching up with me

I am tired.
I am not able to sleep a whole night.
I have a small lingering headache most of the time…blah.

BUT, after seeing the radiation doctor on Tuesday, I feel great about where I am at.

He said he is very happy with how great I look and for my next appointment with him I don’t even have to go in – I can just call in and let him know all is well. 

Let me set the record straight though – I have earned this right with these doctors because they totally trust me from the past – they know I will tell them when something is wrong.

My hair is starting to hurt, so I know it will start falling out soon. I can’t decide if I want to shave it all vs having a big ol bald spot??

I still have constant constipation issues – no matter how well I eat, or how many chi seeds I put in my smoothies - I still need to take laxatives, but oh well!

I have what they call "moon face" from the steroids - thank goodness they told me I could stop taking them on Tuesday.

BUT compared to my first time radiation, this is 100% better – I will take what I have now verses what I had then any day.

“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything”  -Mark Twain

Out of the blue

You know when you something happens out of left field it takes a second - or a day for it to catch up to you…for the bigness of it to hit you?

I have been praying about guidance and on what project to pursue next.  I have several that I want to do, but I just don’t know what order to go in or what one God wanted me to do first – so I have been praying.

I received a call out of the blue yesterday from a lady whom I respect VERY much.

She gets it – she gets my desire to help others with all my projects, she gets that I need to do all this without a huge budget (she started her company on a bootstrap budget and is hugely successful), she gets that I will always follow my heart first – even if others think I am crazy and am doing the wrong thing…she gets it….all of it.

So, she called me out of the blue yesterday due to a few post I have written lately on my blog (What Cancer is to Me)

She wanted to tell me that I am a brilliant writer and she is afraid my message is being lost in FB land.

She gave me all this great how to advice – easy, practical how to stuff – stuff I can easily figure out and do. Advice she has learned over time - advice a lot of people would make me pay for.

She took time out of her extremely busy day to reach out to me, to help me for one reason – she told me she believes in me and wants to see me succeed, and she believes I have message for others that has to be passed along.

When I was doing my daily devotional is when it really hit – about the phone call.

From The One Year Experiencing God’s Presence by ChrisTiegreen

“Jesus responded, “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?” John 11:40

IF we believe , we can experience what He promises. If we believe, we can see His glory.

When we have faith that has been tried and tested and has endured, we will eventually see His promises, including His manifest Presence, come to pass in our lives. If we believe, we will see His glory.”

From Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

“You are my beloved child. Concentrate on keeping in step with Me instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you."

So, I realized last night after reading this, that I have been praying about what to do next…next in life, next, next with my getting my message out, next…next everything.

And this phone call was telling me what to do next.

She gave me a whole new confidence about my idea, she gave me tips on what to do and more than anything she gave me love.

So, here I go – on a new adventure to help others going through cancer, any sickness…hell, life!

I am excited!!

What is breast cancer to me - part 3

I have noticed a trend when someone is newly diagnosed – especially with breast cancer – especially us younger women...

As soon as we tell people we have been diagnosed with the big C word, most of our family, friends and acquaintances in our lives rally around us – telling us we can do this – we can beat this – we’ve got this in the bag, etc.

All of which I believe – all of which I think is awesome to vocalize this support to one and other.

But, my question is – why do we wait to tell each other these wonderful words of encouragement, faith in one and other, uplifting words – why do we wait until a diagnoses like this to tell each other what strong, inspirational, awesome people we think each other is?

And this isn’t just about breast cancer.

Why don’t we tell each other these things on an on-going basis?

Why is it scary to tell someone who we think is awesome that we think they are awesome, that we think they are so strong and can overcome whatever, that they did an amazing job at something, that they are a Godly person through and through, that one time they told you something that really changed you – why don’t we tell people in our lives these things?

Why do we wait for a “tragedy” to hit someone we know before we say these things?

Hey, I do it too…just to be clear!

I think we wait because it is scary. We think – oh shit, what if they don’t tell us the same thing back.

BUT the thing is, when we tell people these things, we shouldn’t expect the person we are telling these things to say it back – we should tell people these things because we believe them in our hearts and we want to share this love with the other person – plan and simple.

Back to breast cancer – when I was diagnosed both times – people came out of the woodworks telling me what a strong person I have always been, if anyone had this it was me, I had a smile that lit up a room, I was such a great God loving person – SO many heartwarming things...I had this in the bag.

And I have noticed this with so many newly diagnosed people – they all hear these wonderful words of encouragement…which is great.

But my question is – why don’t we all tell each other these things ALL the time – not just when we are get horrible news??

Why don’t we tell  each other how awesome we think each other are all the time?

I admit it, it did take cancer for me to get this – to get that we should encourage, love, forgive – all of it – all the time...not wait until we are scared and don’t know what is coming next…do it now.

So, what I propose is that when you get the feeling to tell someone there are awesome, that you believe in someone for something, that you see an awesome trait someone has, that you see someone do something so sweet for someone else, that you think someone is a great parent - tell them.

Tell them all those little things that run through your head - those little things you think of them - those things that you think make them be such an awesome person...tell them!!

Don't wait until a tragedy strikes - tell them these things ALL the time...it is an amazing thing - for both you and them!!

The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”

Morrie Schwartz

Bag Lady

I am a bag lady

I have collected bags

all my life...

as long as I can remember

Some big

some small

some stylish

some plain

These bags –

I collect

even...

hoard

some might say.

These bags -

hold

all kinds of different

emotions

stories

hurts

loves.

Lately though –

I have realized

these bags

all weigh different

 ~love is light and airy

I can sling it over my shoulder and take it with me wherever I go –

no matter how long the journey.

Joy is the same -

I can stuff my bag full of joy

and never feel

its weight

on my shoulder.

On the other hand:

anger

shame

hate

can weigh me down...

do weigh me down

even if I am only carrying

a single

lonely

pebble in my bag.

This tiny pebble

weighs a ton

like carrying bricks

bending me

side to side

and hurting my body

my heart

my soul...

little

by

little

tweaking my back

here and there.

I have decided though

I surely don’t need

all these bags

weighing me down.

 

I am getting rid of the bags

especially the tiny bags

the tiny bags

that carry

only the pebbles

the pebbles

that weigh me down

 

I have decided

I only need one bag

One bag

to carry God

with me

all day

everyday

in that bag

I will find

all the

Love

Joy

Grace

Laughter

Hope

I can imagine

and

that

will be my only bag

I carry

from now on

My bag for

God 

 

Happy Father’s Day

Happy Father’s Day

I don’t even know where to start with telling yall what a fantastic father, husband, friend and so much more Eric is.

He is one of the most patient, loving, kind people I have ever met.

He loves to teach Ian new things.

He loves to hang out with Ian to do “guy stuff”

He steps up every single time I don’t feel so hot and takes over all the duties without every complaining.

He takes such loving care of me – any and all the time.

He teaches Ian how to accept and love all people.

He has taught me so much – how to be a better parent, a better giver, a better person.

"He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. "

~Clarence Budington Kelland

 

A month later...

I had to look at the calendar this morning to see when I had my 3^rd brain surgery – not sure if that is a good or bad thing?!?!

I am going to go with good being as it means I am not dwelling on how fast I am not getting better, because the fact is – I am getting better QUICK!

A small recap for those who are now to the journey – sorry if you are a long timer and have read before.

So in the last month,

I have my 3^rd brain surgery to remove the same cancer in the same spot.

                I had 3 brain radiations

                I started driving again!!!!

                I can walk without a cane – I am slow and not totally steady, BUT I am practicing.

                I took Ian to Target yesterday with just the 2 of us for Father’s Day gift!

                I am in the process of getting fully on Paleo diet – I am trying to use up food we already had.

I would say all and all things couldn’t be better.

I still nap for about an hour every day – oh well!

 

I try to remember every day to love the life I have - it might not be the life I envisioned me having, but it is my life, so I will love it...how it is.

 

What is breast cancer to me - part 2

I don’t get the “I will kick this cancer’s ass mentality” so many of us have.

Don’t get me wrong here – I think we all need to go into this as a WAR BUT if you only have fight on your heart all the time, you will miss a lot…a lot that needs to be learned from this fight.

I feel like with this mentality running all over the place – especially with young women, we forget a lot – we forget to learn to be easy on ourselves…we look at getting chemo, radiation, surgeries, etc. as more on our to do lists.

These are NOT normal things to add to a to-do list.

It seems we just add this “stuff” to our lists, but we don’t stop, think and feel what is happening…I didn’t until after it was over…the first time.

My first time through chemo, I pushed through trying to keep up the image I was fine – I was in control – it was no big deal to get chemo 8 chemos in 16 weeks.

Then a lumpectomy right after.

Oh yeah, add a cruise on to that list – that will be good…it was good, but it was hard. 

My body was tired and depression started to set in….but why depression now – I was CLEAN?!?!

Radiation – 37 treatments.

People say radiation is a breeze….it sure wasn’t for me.

It completely zapped my energy, and I felt guilty for this – because it was “supposed” to be easy.
All through this whole process, I kept that thought, “but I will kick this cancer’s ass.”

I felt if I wasn’t in constant fight mode, I wasn’t doing what needed to be done.

But what I didn’t realize was, one can’t survivor in fight mode ALL the time.

Once I started to crack the exterior of fight/hard edge/I am bad ass mode, I realized fight mode wasn’t/isn’t for me…all the time.

When you are going through treatment just know you don’t have to be superwomen. 

You don’t have to keep up your “old life” and just add treatment to your to-do list…it isn’t just a to-do…it is a life changing point and you should embrace it as so.

Great day!

I am still not used to not having a schedule and it is kind of freaking me out a bit that I feel like I am doing nothing – well, not nothing but not receiving any actual medicine to keep the cancer way.

I am changing to Paleo diet, so that makes me feel like I am in charge of something.

Of course I pray all the time for God to keep me cancer free.

Yesterday was a GREAT day!

I went to Whole Foods, got the car washed at a real place that did it for me – it was great – what a treat!; home for rest, THEN I drove to pick up Ian from Karate camp and we had a little Starbucks date (still not what I should be drinking from there – if anything??).  Later in the evening, me and mom took Ian to the pool and met Teri, Gina and Diana and there were tons of other neighborhood people there.

It felt great getting in the pool.  I am going to start doing some kick laps around the pool to build up my legs, but I think it will really help me…so here goes nothing!

 

From today’s Daily Word:

Pray for Others

Uplifted in prayer, I affirm the highest good for all.

Through the power of prayer, I lift up my dear ones. Any time is the perfect time to visualize my family and friends vitally alive, enjoying the gift of life and living in harmony with each other and the world around them. Prayer is an easy gift to give.

If something on the news catches my attention, I add it to my daily prayer. Looking beyond the images, I see healing unfolding and a divine plan for good being revealed.

Nothing is beyond the power of God to restore, to re-create, and to resolve, so I give it all to God in prayer.

As I read the Daily Word, I know that I am part of a vast spiritual community praying for

one another with faith in the good that will result.

Pray for one another, so that you may be healed.—James 5:16

What is breast cancer to me?

I have been thinking about this topic for a LONG time now...it is hard to put into words.
I have a lot more to say, but I have to process it, so I will write it as it comes.

 

What is breast cancer to me?

It is a lot more than the pretty pink ribbons people like to doll it up with…well, some people – I assume – yes, I am grouping people together here.

Cancer…any cancer isn’t pretty

Cancer is hard - hard on whose body it is in; hard on the loved ones of whose body it is in; hard on some many people around whose body it is in...cancer IS hard and shouldn't be made to look easy.

I don’t want to wear a pink anything to show the world I have breast cancer…I wish there was no pink anything for anyone to wear so that would mean no one had breast cancer

Now don’t get me wrong, there are “pretty” things that do come out of cancer:

You can find yourself…your real self that you never knew was in there – your strong self that God fills with life day after day

You help people find compassion for others and realize EVERYONE is going through something no matter how pretty perfect they look on the outside.

You meet this whole new subgroup of people of truly understand your pain

You learn to say yes and no to what your heart is really telling you to do – it is scary – even when you are sick.  What if someone gets mad at you?  You learn if they get mad at you, their love for themselves is greater than their love for others and it is okay to let that person go.

You learn life is FULL of the unknown and how to truly be thankful for each day. Even if it is a feel bad day, a day you lay on the couch all day or a day you are able to do everything you want to do – to learn to thank God for every second of everyday – because you truly don’t know what will happen next.

You learn not to try to plan life out because again…you don’t know what will happen next YOUR plan really means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I pray every day – every moment I think of it for Him to show/teach me something out of this – teach me how to teach others find their Hope, Strength, Grace and so much more through their own journeys…whatever that journey my be.

Just things:

Well, things are going around here.

It is SO SO SO weird for me not to be at treatment 2 times a week – I kind of don’t know what to do with myself – well, that is a lie – I am resting a lot – I seem to hit a wall about every 2 hours.

The new house is all gutted and we are ready to start work on it – yes, I will post pictures of how it is going!

I feel a tad crazy from the steroids because they totally jack with my sleep but I am going to start the tapper down from them today! I am all swollen and puffy which doesn't help me with my craziness!

I am going to start eating the Paloe diet today – yes, I will blog about it.  I have been praying for how/what I should eat and this keeps coming into my world – so, you all know what I do with that…take it and run with it.

I am about to start a painting for a custom orders for a 1^st birthday for a little girl – can’t wait!  I am going to do a video of it too, so yall can see.

I would say all and all, things are going great.

I am ready to get back Groves and Dr H to see what my plan it, but I am working on being patient and letting it fall into place with His guidance – oh, it is HARD to sit back, wait and be patient!

Quick update:

Brain radiation is over and so far so good!

I pretty much laid around all day yesterday – let me tell you what I hard thing that is.  I have all this nervous energy and my mind won’t turn off, but my body just can’t get up and go…so, I watched trashy TV all day.

Eric and I did make it out to for a bit, but was a great thing to get off the couch and get some fresh air.

I feel like I sleep like a new born - a few hours here and there and if I get 4-5 in a stretch that is a GREAT thing!  I really don't know how people with insomnia deal with it long term??

I want to go to the grocery store and look for a new couch today – here is hoping!

The house is 95% demoed thanks to Eric and his HARD work.

I think the build back up will start next week as all the stuff we have ordered is starting to roll in!

I have NO appts this coming week…that is really REALLY weird for me.

I have a follow up with Shinebin (radiation) the following weeks where I hope he tells me to kick the steroids…oh, I hate the steroids.

Other than that, I settling in with the idea of a new maintenance chemo coming my way soon and remembering to be thankful for each and every day – even if I am tired!

Day 3 radiation down and slight plan

I visited with Dr H yesterday - yes I was feeling lost without having seen her for a little over a week...or even being there.

Between her and Dr. Groves we are all on the same page. 
-Sending any and all tissue we have out for mega proto typing
-MRI July 8
- Dr Groves (brain chemo dr) July 11
- Dr H July 17

In between all this, I am going to rest and recoup from surgery and brain radiation.

I am still not able to sleep through the night - not sure why so I am feel like a walking zombie most of the time.

Eric is working HARD on getting the house prepped and demoed for remodel to start next week!!

Mom is still here helping SO with Ian.

My friends are still keeping up fed.

I am going to try to paint today if Eric can help me set up the garage space - I feel the need to get out all the emotion and painting just seems to let it flow like nothing else.

Please keep praying His hands are guiding any and every decision made - me and Eric have handed it all over.

Brain oncologist and day 2 of radiation

I went to see Dr. Groves yesterday.

If I haven’t said it enough, let me say it more – I am so beyond blessed with the team of doctors I have working with me and with each other it amazing me me…completely amazes me.

So Dr. Groves – he still thinks I am an interesting case – I told him I like to be interesting?!?! And he said he likes me attitude!

Our plan from his end – send in every last bit of cancer tissue they have from me and all my previous surgeries’ to get it them all reanalyzed for more of a genotype.  They have been doing this from each surgery but he is going to go as in depth as possible – something like 200 mutations to look for.

I told him even though it keeps coming up triple negative (means not causes by hormones),  I have a feeling it has something to with hormones.  He said it could have something to do with hormones like 5 tiers down and we would figure it out…very exciting stuff!

Eric and I left there feeling good even though we didn’t have a plan.

I go back to see him July 11^th (after our trip up to Eric’s parents…yeah vacation!!) for a plan.

After that apt I was tired but these stupid steroids give me this neverous energy – I can’t focus or sit still eventhough I am exhausted.

SO, what do we when we are tires – go to Nordstroms.

Mom and I went shopping for a bit – I ordered a purse and can’t wait for it to get it!

Looked at shoes – nothing.

Went to eat at Abuelos – trying to get back on the LOW GI diet and did pretty good – except chips and queso, but BUT did have grilled fish for lunch…hey, I am starting somewhere!

We came home and I was finally able to nap.

Eric got here at 400 to take me to radiation.  While we were on the way to radiation, they called and said their machine shut off and was warming back up so they were now running around 1.5 hours late.

No biggie – we did an early dinner – lettuce wraps (no carbs) and a bison burger with no bun!

We stopped by REI to get Eric a hat for Father’s Day and ended up finding a rubber boomerang for Ian…I am making him a little fun package to receive in the mail – he loves getting mail…who doesn’t?!?!

Off to radiation:

They gave me my cocktail in the beginning as yesterday and about ½ way through gave me a little more pain medication due to the mask – it the pressure point is right across my forehead and it really starts to hurt and freak me about after a bit.

But, I made it and all is well.

We go home to quiet because mom and Ian were out with Syl and her family.

Mom is taking Ian to Fort Worth this weekend which is hard for me to say, but that makes me happy.  I feel like the peace and quiet is going to be the best thing for me at this point.

It was hard to them I need them to go away for the weekend, but Ian couldn’t be more excited to so see the boys and mom enjoys the trip too!

I see Dr. H today, have my last radiation and Eric is showing our current house at 600 to someone in from the neighborhood wanting to stay in the neighborhood but want a bigger house – please pray this works as seamlessly as our new house deal worked!!

Radiation pictures, day 2 and brain chemo dr today

yesterday ended up being a great day.

I decided that although I was tired and laying on the couch sounded great, it would be better for me to get out and about a bit before radiation started.

Me and mom went shopping. I got 2 cute fedora style hats to wear because I am pretty sure I will have a bald spot again - Austin sun + bold spot = no good.

We went to eat at a place called The Daily Grill where we totally pigged out and I have a glass of wine...it was AMAZING!! Thanks to Marci and family for gift card to there.



Then home for a bit to nap.
Mom went and got Ian from camp and then too him on a date for ice cream and the pool - what a great BB he has...I don't know how we would do this without her there.

Then Eric and I went to radiation.
It took longed than I expected, but they were being VERY precise..hey, I will take that!

Here is the machine I am in...yes strapped down with all those layers of mesh to ensure I don't move my at ALL.

I did ok until 1/2 way through then I had to request a 2nd dose of anxiety medicine because I was starting freaking from the pressure of the mask that was giving me a HUGE headache.

Today I go see Dr. G - my brain oncologist in the morning
2nd radiation treatment this afternoon

Please pray radiation goes smooth today and my doctors have a plan for me  tomorrow.

Brain radiation starts today:

I am getting nervous about radiation that will start today…it seemed radiation was what threw me over to crazy town last time, but I think I have a better handle on this time…but I don’t know.

I guess I won’t know until after it is over.

I feel myself getting nervous – trying to line things up around the house, make sure Ian has something to do this weekend because I know I am going to need to “just be” most of weekend and for that I already feel guilty….be alone, it to be quiet, just be to heal.

There is way too much nervous energy around here.

Me and mom are going to go get me a new purse and out to lunch while Ian is at camp before Eric takes me to radiation…I guess I shouldn’t have a glass of wine at lunch before my brain gets blasted with radiation?!?!

Jeremiah 29:11 - holding tight to His plan

Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I am holding tight to this verse – OH so tight.

I know He has plans and as hard as it is to admit it to myself, I don’t know the plans and I shouldn’t know the plans ahead of time – I just need to know He has a plan and is putting it into place this second.

There has been a slight change of plans this week.

After my radiation and neurologist spoke, they came up with a new plan.

I will do brain radiation Wednesday, Thursday and Friday verses just one day.

I will go in at 430 daily to get the good drugs to calm me being as I will have to be strapped to the table with a mesh face mask (yes, I have pictures)

Radiation will be 500-530 ish

As much as I do NOT want to do 3 days of radiation on my brain, I do trust this plan…but I am scared.

One day of radiation seemed to totally throw me over the edge last time into crazy town and zapped every last ounce of energy I had left.

And I still don’t know what “maintenance” I will be on.

I am ready for a plan.

I guess looking back my Monday/Thursday plan wasn’t so bad.

I actually miss going there 2x a week. I kind of feel like I have lost a group of friends and now will be an outsider when there verses a part of them.

Next week events:

This was a relativity easy week which is a totally weird thing to say – I know this, but I guess I am just used to it and we roll with it and I realize all the planning and fretting in my head isn’t going to change anything.

I am going to try to keep a schedule of events to come…people see to be liking the weekly outline.

Monday, June 3: Ian will start karate camp! We all so excited for this.

Tuesday, June 4: My brain radiation.  We are thinking it will be one session, but as of Friday my neurosurgeon and radiation doctors were still working on plan.

I am nervous about brain radiation again being as I felt this was my tipping point on my crazy train last time, BUT we all have a plan in place this time.

I know what to look for when I start to feel crazy.

Wednesday, June 5: maybe radiation again, maybe not

Thursday, June 6: Dr. Groves – brain oncologist

Friday, June 7: Dr. H – we are praying that on Friday all the doctors will have had a chance to come up with a plan.

Eric has done some research on what it might be, but things change so quick I have decided I can’t play the what if I am on that game – I will wait and see and go from there.

Please pray His perfect plan comes streaming through to all involved.