Thursday, June 27, 2013

Numb...

I can’t imagine what they are going through – her family…their thoughts, their love for her, their prayers – their everything.

She was getting better…and now I don’t know.

I almost hate when it is time for me to leave town now on summer vacation – my life changed last year while on vacation…I pray it doesn’t this year…my heart hurts and stomach is sick.

I just want her to be good…hell, I will settle for ok right now.

I just want this to all go away for her, for her loved ones, for so many…

Nothing makes sense to me right now…I feel like cancer is the Cheshire Cat in Renee In Cancer Land – it shows up when it wants it, it disappears now and then,

From Alice In Wonderland:

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't much care where –" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"– so long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

The cat is an enigma – perhaps symbolizing the mystery of Wonderland itself. Of how nonsense has a way of making sense. The Cheshire cat to me is the one character of Wonderland who does make a kind of sense to me.

He knows he's mad.

I guess kind of like we all know we are going to die at some point, but never thought we would think about it like this…it consumes you.

The cat comes and he goes - he's is and he isn't - he's there then he's not.... When the queen tries to behead the cat, he disappears, but his head remains and he asks, “can something that does not have a body be beheaded?”

So yes, cancer itself is the cat…does it even have a body?
I am a wreck – I just want to talk to her, to hug her, to see her smile, to text her my chemo schedule and see if we can meet up while there…

I just want a lot right now.
Please pray for my friend. Please pray God fills her with healing loving light right now...right this second...please pray.
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