How I still believe in God:

A different approach

I stumbled across this "challenge" on FB to write a blog post every day in May.  I thought - interesting.  Then I read a little more...she gave prompts to write about daily.

This really peaked my interest.

I think we all stick to what we know - for me, it is cancer, treatment, family, friends, art and writing.

I rarely go deeper than the surface stuff - I want to, but I am just never sure out there to go?

I am going to take this challenge and run with it.  You will see me writing about things more than likely I haven't written about before or if I have going deeper into them in a new light.

And in all honesty, I am hoping doing something like with will my writing out there more to help others with whatever it is they might need help with.

If you would like to take part, go here to read about it.

As always, please feel free to share this with all...that is how it really gets out there!

Bag lady



I am a bag lady

I have collected bags

all my life

some big

some small

some stylish

some plain

These bags –

I collect

even

hoard

some might say

These bags

hold

all kinds of different

emotions

stories

hurts

loves

Lately though –

I have realized

these bags

all weigh different

 ~love is light and airy

I can sling it over my shoulder and take it with me wherever I go –

no matter how long the journey

Joy is the same

I can stuff my bag full of joy

and never feel

its weight

on my shoulder

 

On the other hand:

anger

shame

and

hate

can weigh me down

even if I am only carrying

a single

lonely

pebble in my bag

this tiny pebble

weighs a ton

like carrying bricks

bending me

side to side

and hurting my body

little

by

little

tweaking my back

here and there

 

I have decided though

I surely don’t need

all these bags

weighing me down.

 

I am getting rid of the bags

especially the tiny bags

the tiny bags

that carry

only the pebbles

the pebbles

that weigh me down

 

I have decided

I only need one bag

One bag

to carry God

with me

all day

everyday

in that bag

I will find

all the

Love

Joy

Grace

Laughter

Hope

I can imagine

and

that

will be my only bag

I carry

from now on

Walk for Renee pictures and more

I believe

I believe

God lives inside
inside us all…

After all –

He did make us all

 

I believe
He made Himself
a warm
loving
home
in all our
hearts

I believe

God is always

talking to 
guiding
and
loving
us

And our hearts...
our hearts
can only hold
so much
so much love
before it overflows
like a cup
too full of liquid

So, you see                                                                                                                                                              there is no choice                                                                                                                                              
but to let that Love                                                                                                                                                                      overflow                                                                                                                                                                overflow onto us all                                                                                                                                                 from us all

 

****A HUGE HUGE HUGE thank you to Steve Hilchey for taking these pictures.

He claims to just dabble in photography, but come on - these pictures are FABULOUS!

His email is:  stevehilcheyphotography@gmail.com

He doesn't have a FB page yet, but once he does, I will let you know.

He has a knack to capture the essence of the event...I think he would be wonderful at parties, weddings or any special event.

I will post more pictures when I get them.

 

HELP!!

As I have said in the past, I learning to embrace the fact I can’t (and honestly) don’t want to do it all.

I know there are people who can do what I am wanting to do with their eyes closed and me, well, let’s just say it would take me a LONG time if ever to figure it out.

I feel I have a calling from God – to help spread His love and show others His beauty – even in the midst of a storm.

And I seem to do that through art and writing.

Is there anyone out there who would be willing to help me with a few projects?

Make a video/slide show with pictures and me reading a poem?

And if it is the same person or someone different who can help me get it out there…I guess if you know how to “tag” things on youtube – I sure don’t.

Make my blog “findable” from a search place (like yahoo or google) – I want others who are diagnosed with any “terminal” disease – or heck, any disease to be able to find my blog and ultimately find hope in God.

Help me understand how to “tag” things within my blog to make the blog more user friendly (I use blogspot)

I know there are instructions out there how to do this, and I have tried to read them and follow – they just don’t jive with me…I can read them 20 times, do it step by step and it still doesn’t work…arg!!

SO, if there is anyone out there who is willing to help me with this, I would be forever grateful AND there is some artwork in it for you.

Please email me at embracinglifeloveart@gmail.com and we can talk details.

WOW is all I can say

Where do I even start?

I don’t know where.

I had NO idea it was going to be what it was…NO IDEA.

The outpouring of love yesterday was magical – you could see the glow of love all around – the air seemed charged with love.

The support was beyond belief.

The fun had by all was fantastic.

The smiles on all the faces showed the enjoyment I felt in my heart.

It was an amazing day.

I have no idea how to even start thanking people – so I will start here:

Thank you all.  Each and every single one of you.

To those who were there, I hope you all had the amazing time I had.

I hope you all enjoyed all the smiles and heart felt love I was able to enjoy.

Even if you weren’t there, you were all there in spirit – I felt the love from everyone.

Again, I know my thank you doesn’t even touch the tip of the gratitude I have for all the work put into this, for all the people who were there and all the people who wanted to be there.

I am more than blessed with yall in my corner cheering me on and your continued prayers.

I love you.

Learning to listen

It is hard for me to remember that I had 2 brain surgeries (well, Eric says 3 because radiation is counted as a surgery) a little over 6 months ago.

It is hard for me to remember that my body needs time...needs time to rest more than most, time to recover, just time...

It is hard for me to remember that I receive chemo twice a week.

It is hard for me to remember that if I push too hard one week, it takes me a lot longer to bounce back the next.

It is hard for me to remember because it all seems so normal to me.

I pushed too hard last week on my off week…and I am still trying to bounce back this week.

I crammed too much into my week, too many appointments, too many errands, too many lunch dates – which so sucks to say that because I crave those lunch dates, I crave that time with my friends.

I haven’t yet been able to find a balance on my off weeks…I always do too much of something and then the bounce back is slow, then I beat myself up and then – well, you know the rest of the cycle.

I am praying I learn my boundaries and when I can push them and when I need to accept them and surrender to them.

I am praying I learn to listen to my body and its needs.

How do I still believe?

She asked me how – how could I still believe in God…in a loving God?

How could I still believe?

Because she couldn’t – she couldn’t believe after this – after me – after me having Stage IV cancer at 32 years old…stage IV – non curable cancer.

How did I still believe?

When I got cancer when I was 30 – when my only child was 13 months old?

Cancer in my brain?

How did I still believe God was good?

 

My question is, how do you not believe God is good?

 

Do you not see the love that surrounds me?

The pure love from my family and friends – that love is from God.

The love from Eric that never waivers.

The love from my doctors and nurses who take care of me.

God gives that love to us all – fills our hearts with love to share it all the time to those who need it.

 

Do you not see the grace He gives me?

The grace to smile day to day – even if it is always in the back of my mind – what if “it” comes back?

The grace to tell the truth about it all – even in my darkest hours.

The grace to cowgirl up because I have to do what I have to do – even when going to treatment for the 2^nd time every week is the last thing I want to do.

Do you not see that grace?

God gives me that grace.

 

Do you not see the miracles that happen before our eyes?

Me getting on my trail drug one week – ONE WEEK before it closed.

Me having the courage to insist I knew something was wrong after my first brain surgery – to pretty much tell my doctors they were wrong and the tumor was back even though it wasn’t showing up on scans.

Me walking again.

Me being alive to continue to love.

These are all miracles – big and small from Him. These are all just the tip of the iceberg of my list of miracles.

 

But you can’t see Him – how do you know?

You can’t see the wind but you can feel it on your skin.

You can’t see love but you feel it when you hold your child.

You can’t see hurt but you feel it when your heart breaks.

You are right you can’t see Him, but you see signs of Him everywhere you look.

Yes, I believe.

Yes, I know God is good and is God is love.

Layers

Layers

 

I am starting to see my life – all life – as I see my paintings –

layers upon layers

some layers are one color

some layers add texture

some layers are every different color of the rainbow

some layers turn out like mud

some layers are flat and shiny

some layers are rough around the edges

because I tried to sand something off

that I thought shouldn’t be there

 

Though-

I see now

even the ugliest layers

even the ones I thought were pure beauty

don’t matter

when looked at alone

they all only matter

when looked at

as a whole picture

and I see now

that even when I think I am done

adding layers

there is always room for more

more texture

more colors

more love

Layers in pictures

Firsts…again

Getting back to what I was able to do before the brain tumor has been one blessing after another.

Yesterday was a big day for me – used to be a normal day.

I read somewhere that everything we do should be celebrated; therefore, we should be thankful for everything – even the tiny things that seem like no brainers – things we assume will never go away.

I now realize there is nothing we can assume…as we don’t know anything for sure.

I went on a 20 minute walk around the part after I dropped Ian off. Ha – the “old me” would look at that and roll my eyes

 I took Ian to Michael’s craft store for the first time since last August – before this I couldn’t go alone – just the thought of the store overwhelmed me…in all aspects.

In the past 4 months:

Walked with walker

Walked with Cane

Walked with brace

Walking on my own

Relearned to drive

Grocery store with just me and Ian

Can now do laundry – I could carry the baskets before because it threw my balance off

Load and unload the dishwasher – again the balance bit

Went to the mall

Again, all this stuff I used to do without once thinking these were huge blessing.

Now, I say thank you all day long for what I can do again.

Good news…GREAT news

Got the call today – the biopsy came back from my GI scope on Monday – NO CANCER!!

It is just an ulcer – I never thought I would say “just an ulcer”

I think it is from all those d*mn steroids – they can cause major stomach acid.

Whatever – not cancer is all I wanted to hear!

Another bit of great news…it looks like the house if ours!  Well, not 100% yet – no papers have been signed, but dates, prices, etc have been discussed and agreed upon.

I am more than excited…about it all.

Cheers to new a chapter in this book of life.

Ripples in the water

What I didn’t realize was that my sickness – my illness – my cancer – whatever you want to call it is like a rock being thrown into a calm still lake.  A lake so still it is like glass, so still you can see your reflection.

My little part of the greater lake has been disturbed – a rock has been thrown in the middle making ripples that continue making other ripples.

Though - the ripples aren’t contained only to the spot where the rock broke through the water.

I am seeing now that my cancer is like a rock being thrown into the lake – the lake we are all a part of – the lake where all of our lives mold together…sway back and forth with the water…the pulse of life.

What I didn’t understand, or didn’t see is that my ripples reach out way beyond what I can see…all of our ripples do. The ripples of each of our lives can effect so much…for miles and miles out.

The ripples can shake the fish swimming, they can move the sand under our feet, they can sway the reeds that usually stand up so straight and tall…the small tiny ripples can and do effect so much more than I could ever imagine.

I am seeing how my ripples are effecting those that I love in so many different ways – ways I don’t know how to talk about, ways that break my heart, ways that make me angry, ways that can change lives. 

The ripples – the after effects of my cancer ripping into my brain – the effect of the fact settling in on most everyone…just what Stage IV cancer can do – the ripples are forever changing my shoreline – my life line to others…and forever changing those around me – those who love me…my ripples are forever changing their shorelines too.

The ripples are all different: different sizes – different strengths – effect different parts of the shoreline.

 Some are large ripples that turn into waves - waves that change everything in its path as soon as it hits.

Some are oh so gentle - so gentle you barely even notice they are there – changing the landscape around you.

These ripples I speak of now – were first caused by me having Stage IV  breast cancer– non-curable cancer – Stave IV…just the word itself was the rock that was thrown into my smooth, beautiful lake.

These ripples slowly started creating new ripples.

Now I feel like my life has been taken over by ripples instead of the nice smooth water that once was.

I have learned that all ripples are created by something – by some sort of something breaking the surface of each person’s own lake.

Some ripples are caused by fear – fear of me dying.

                                How much time does she have here on earth…with me?

Some ripples are caused by anger – anger at God or whoever has let this happen.

                                How could He let this happen to a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend, a daughter?

Some ripples are caused by shame – what if someone did something to cause this.

                                What if I did this to me? What if I ate something bad one too many times?

Some ripples are caused by thanksgiving – thanksgiving that I am still alive.

                                Thank God, I am still here to love and be loved.

Some ripples are caused by joy – joy of everyday.

Joy for the simple things – the sitting quietly in the togetherness of friendship and family.

Some ripples are overshadowed by darkness – darkness of the unknown.

                                What if the cancer comes back?

Some ripples are caused by sorrow.

                                What do I not  get to experience because of cancer?

All these ripples float in my lake daily….in and out – never stopping.

I am now learning that these ripples ripple through the lakes of my loved ones too…they always have even without cancer.

All of our ripples ripple through each other’s lakes.

Sometimes we try to stop the ripples from coming into our lake, but to do that we must put up a wall – a wall that blocks out more than just the ripples.

Some lakes have all the ripples my lake has, some lakes only have the dark and scary ripples that seem to tear the water’s surface daily, some lakes try to get rid of the ripples by stopping all the motion which –  actually only make the ripples worse.

I am learning to accept the ripples – to let them come and go as they please, to let them change my shore as they need but I am to the point where I will no longer fight with my ripples – it is a losing battle and I have found out if I sway with the ripples – they are actually pleasant.

 

Yes I believe

Yes, I believe

God orchestrates

Complex

Happenings

in our lives

all the time

I used to think

“WOW”

what are the chances

Now, I think

Thank You God

 

Long story kind of short…Eric and I decided we needed a new house – a smaller one story home because well let’s face it – I can’t walk up our stairs to the second story and more than half our house goes unused. 

We started looking and houses in our neighborhood aren’t even staying on the market a week – some only a day.

So, I do what I do – I prayed and asked for help.

The idea was sent to me – send out an email to the neighborhood on the email group.

I told a few people about it, and yes, they thought it was a total shot in the dark.

In the email I wrote about our situation, our need for a smaller home, our desire to stay in our neighborhood and just asked if anyone was possible willing to trade house or knew of a house coming on the market soon.

I got a lot more responses than I thought I would – mostly people saying oh yes we will trade – I guess I didn’t really specify there would be money involved in make the trades equal!

Anyway, I got an email from this guy who said his neighbor had mentioned to him they were going to be selling soon.

The address of the house – oh it was one of the houses Eric though about buying when he first bought a house in our area but it was a little big for just him.

We were driving around Sunday evening looking at some of the other addresses people sent us. We noticed the couple of this not yet for sale house were outside doing yard word.

I said lets go talk to them – what do we have to lose?

So we did.

When we walked up, I said – I know this is going to sound crazy but are you X or Z – I couldn’t remember who sent me the email and who he said the owner was.

The guy said yes, I am X and Z is my neighbor.

So, I told him the short version of the story – we need a new house because I had brain surgery and I cant walk up our stairs, we want to stay in the neighborhood, I sent out this email, his neighbor responded and here we are.

And yes, they were planning on putting it on the market in about 3 weeks.

We went back yesterday to walk around, and pretty much asked what he thought about a take as is deal sooner rather than later.

We are all now getting our ducks in a row to make this happen!

I KNEW IT WOULD WORK!!! I like to keep reminding everyone who told me I was crazy that indeed – IT WORKED!! And I just kept following my heart…my heart that God speaks to and doing what He told me to do even if I looked crazy to others! I am so excited!!