Monday, April 15, 2013

How do I still believe?

She asked me how – how could I still believe in God…in a loving God?

How could I still believe?

Because she couldn’t – she couldn’t believe after this – after me – after me having Stage IV cancer at 32 years old…stage IV – non curable cancer.

How did I still believe?

When I got cancer when I was 30 – when my only child was 13 months old?

Cancer in my brain?

How did I still believe God was good?


My question is, how do you not believe God is good?


Do you not see the love that surrounds me?

The pure love from my family and friends – that love is from God.

The love from Eric that never waivers.

The love from my doctors and nurses who take care of me.

God gives that love to us all – fills our hearts with love to share it all the time to those who need it.


Do you not see the grace He gives me?

The grace to smile day to day – even if it is always in the back of my mind – what if “it” comes back?

The grace to tell the truth about it all – even in my darkest hours.

The grace to cowgirl up because I have to do what I have to do – even when going to treatment for the 2nd time every week is the last thing I want to do.

Do you not see that grace?

God gives me that grace.


Do you not see the miracles that happen before our eyes?

Me getting on my trail drug one week – ONE WEEK before it closed.

Me having the courage to insist I knew something was wrong after my first brain surgery – to pretty much tell my doctors they were wrong and the tumor was back even though it wasn’t showing up on scans.

Me walking again.

Me being alive to continue to love.

These are all miracles – big and small from Him. These are all just the tip of the iceberg of my list of miracles.


But you can’t see Him – how do you know?

You can’t see the wind but you can feel it on your skin.

You can’t see love but you feel it when you hold your child.

You can’t see hurt but you feel it when your heart breaks.

You are right you can’t see Him, but you see signs of Him everywhere you look.

Yes, I believe.

Yes, I know God is good and is God is love.
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