Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Ripples in the water

What I didn’t realize was that my sickness – my illness – my cancer – whatever you want to call it is like a rock being thrown into a calm still lake.  A lake so still it is like glass, so still you can see your reflection.

My little part of the greater lake has been disturbed – a rock has been thrown in the middle making ripples that continue making other ripples.

Though - the ripples aren’t contained only to the spot where the rock broke through the water.

I am seeing now that my cancer is like a rock being thrown into the lake – the lake we are all a part of – the lake where all of our lives mold together…sway back and forth with the water…the pulse of life.

What I didn’t understand, or didn’t see is that my ripples reach out way beyond what I can see…all of our ripples do. The ripples of each of our lives can effect so much…for miles and miles out.

The ripples can shake the fish swimming, they can move the sand under our feet, they can sway the reeds that usually stand up so straight and tall…the small tiny ripples can and do effect so much more than I could ever imagine.

I am seeing how my ripples are effecting those that I love in so many different ways – ways I don’t know how to talk about, ways that break my heart, ways that make me angry, ways that can change lives. 

The ripples – the after effects of my cancer ripping into my brain – the effect of the fact settling in on most everyone…just what Stage IV cancer can do – the ripples are forever changing my shoreline – my life line to others…and forever changing those around me – those who love me…my ripples are forever changing their shorelines too.

The ripples are all different: different sizes – different strengths – effect different parts of the shoreline.

 Some are large ripples that turn into waves - waves that change everything in its path as soon as it hits.

Some are oh so gentle - so gentle you barely even notice they are there – changing the landscape around you.

These ripples I speak of now – were first caused by me having Stage IV  breast cancer– non-curable cancer – Stave IV…just the word itself was the rock that was thrown into my smooth, beautiful lake.

These ripples slowly started creating new ripples.

Now I feel like my life has been taken over by ripples instead of the nice smooth water that once was.

I have learned that all ripples are created by something – by some sort of something breaking the surface of each person’s own lake.

Some ripples are caused by fear – fear of me dying.

                                How much time does she have here on earth…with me?

Some ripples are caused by anger – anger at God or whoever has let this happen.

                                How could He let this happen to a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend, a daughter?

Some ripples are caused by shame – what if someone did something to cause this.

                                What if I did this to me? What if I ate something bad one too many times?

Some ripples are caused by thanksgiving – thanksgiving that I am still alive.

                                Thank God, I am still here to love and be loved.

Some ripples are caused by joy – joy of everyday.

Joy for the simple things – the sitting quietly in the togetherness of friendship and family.

Some ripples are overshadowed by darkness – darkness of the unknown.

                                What if the cancer comes back?

Some ripples are caused by sorrow.

                                What do I not  get to experience because of cancer?

All these ripples float in my lake daily….in and out – never stopping.

I am now learning that these ripples ripple through the lakes of my loved ones too…they always have even without cancer.

All of our ripples ripple through each other’s lakes.

Sometimes we try to stop the ripples from coming into our lake, but to do that we must put up a wall – a wall that blocks out more than just the ripples.

Some lakes have all the ripples my lake has, some lakes only have the dark and scary ripples that seem to tear the water’s surface daily, some lakes try to get rid of the ripples by stopping all the motion which –  actually only make the ripples worse.

I am learning to accept the ripples – to let them come and go as they please, to let them change my shore as they need but I am to the point where I will no longer fight with my ripples – it is a losing battle and I have found out if I sway with the ripples – they are actually pleasant.

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