Mr. Science Guy

I have always prided myself on my ability on making quick & précis decisions. I am (maybe was) the type that once my mind was made up, that was that – it was what it was and I was done with it. From simple things like shopping (unlike my sister who can hem and ha over what color $12 plastic watch to buy for 30 minutes and in the mean time I have shopped, paid and then sucked into her decision making…love you chele) to big things like buying a house (found the house I loved and that was that).

I am losing my ability to make decisions though – any decision. I have been looking at Eric to help me with decisions because in my mind he is Mr. Science Guy. He has researched this “thing” (yes, I think I will refer to it as a “thing” for now) from every angle possible, he has researched my diet and so much more.

I now find myself asking Eric, can I eat that, should I do this, how are we going to decide what to do with my treatment? I even called from the airport after dropping Marci off in tears because I couldn’t decide if I should take the unknown toll-way home.

I feel two things with this loss of decision making and leaning on Eric more – I feel like a part of me is gone because I have never been so needy but on the other hand I feel stronger for recognizing that I need help and asking for it and finally, accepting it!

The Talk

We all know as parents and children having talks with our parents and/or children that we do NOT want to have are inevitable…and horrible

The “sex” talk.

The “you aren’t doing so well in school” talk.

The “I am pretty sure who you are dating is a loser” talk.

Everyone is uncomfortable, no one wants to talk about it, but at some point the parent has to suck it up and do it.

I would rather have 100 sex talks than the talk we need to have with Ian. Hell, I would rather have the sex talk with my grandparents than our talk that is looming over our heads and in our hearts. We are trying to figure out the right timing. Timing with a 3 yr old is everything. When Eric gets home, Ian is not in listen mode. I can’t have the talk by myself because even when I have the talk in my head, I break down. WHEN are we going to do this?

We went to this place today called Wonders & Worries. They are an awesome group who will have play therapy sessions with Ian for at least 6 weeks to make sure he is processing this and is able to express his feelings.

But in the meantime, it is up to us…to tell him, “mommy has cancer.”

How do we explain to him what cancer is when I still can’t wrap my head around it?

How do we tell him what I am going to be like during chemo? Tired and blah but still his mommy who loves him more than anything and wants so bad to be the one who is able to take care of him?

How do we tell him we aren’t sure how long this is going to last?

How do we tell him any of this sh*t? Any of this that no child should ever hear, more so a 3 year old?

Today was a really hard day for both me and Eric. Visiting that place and then getting my scheduled appt at MD Anderson on Friday totally silicified this…it is happening, it is real, it is about to begin, life as we know might never return, and my heart hurts.

The panic

When it hits

It hits hard

and fast

It likes to come

at the oddest times

Unloading the dishwasher

Reading an innocent text

In the middle of church

When it sneaks in a little

I can put it back where it belongs

In the trash

Not in my heart

Not in my head

When it attacks

Hard and fast

and my defenses are down

It gets in

but only for a minute

Only for a few tears

Only for a few paniced breaths

Of fear

Of hate

Of rage

Peace

Be still

I muster inside

In my mind

Then my heart

And panic knows

It is not welcome here

Not now

Not ever

Friends

“Even though we’ve changed and we are all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we’ll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we’re not still friends.” ~ anonymous


I realize I have been more than blessed (is that possible) with the friends in my life. I am still best friends with people I went to elementary school with, I keep in touch with all “my group” plus many others from high school, I have made new best friends in my 20’s (which is hard to make good solid friends in your 20’s because let’s face it, we are all a-holes who know everything while in our 20’s – kind of like our teens but worse because now we are educated and really DO know it all), I have a neighborhood full of new mommy friends and the one thing all this girls have in common – they are awesome people.

Now don’t get me wrong, we all have had some FIGHTS and done some STUPID things to each other and together but somehow, we figure it out and realize that a life without friends in not a life. I don’t talk to all these friends daily, weekly, monthly – some I don’t talk to but once a year or haven’t actually talked to them in a few years but it doesn’t matter. Some I do talk to everyday but don’t see but every 2 years or so and when we do see each other it is like no time has passed at all. Some I do see every day and we are helping each other raise our kids together.

All of these friends have helped shape me into the person I am today. They have stepped in and told me it is time to get my sh*t together, they have listened to me cry, complain and b*tch about life, love or whatever traumatic event was taking place, they have listened to me when I had to tell them to get their sh*t together, they have done very STUPID things with me in which we look back on now and wonder how we actually made it to our 30’s, but most of all they all have laughed with me and loved me unconditionally.

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” ~ anonymous

I am trying to remember my song and most days I do a great job, but some days are harder than others so friends, please remind me of my song and tell me to get my sh*t together when I need it.

Scared....shitless

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.


- Eleanor Roosevelt

Now, I am NOT saying I can’t and won’t beat this, but I am scared shitless at this point in time. We listened to the meeting with Dr H from Friday when we found out the “news,” Monday night and I heard things I worked really hard to forget (yes maybe by drinking lots of wine) during the weekend. I made another appt with her yesterday for today because we had time to get our heads on straight, think rationally and ask coherent questions (Friday….not so much).

So we now know the following things are a for sure – whereas Friday we were kind of sure, maybe, not really.

It has nothing to do with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was hoping the hot spots in my shoulder were somehow from… maybe RA….not.

The main spot on my lung is kind of in the middle of my chest and is about 2 inches. We can’t biopsy more now from this spot because it is in front of my heart and well at this point a needle in my heart isn’t going to help matters much.

There are several (still not sure HOW much) spots IN my lungs (before I was thinking they were on my lungs…not sure why) and each of these are about the size of pea.

We can’t do surgery on these because they are small and randomly all over the place.

I am still not 100% sure about the bone…it is in my bones but barely because it did NOT register on the bone scan. It is on a rib and in my left shoulder area (this is what I was hoping was going to be from RA).

Eric then wanted to have a private conversation with her which I was fine with. Not really sure what all was said and at this point and I don’t care. My mind is made up that I don’t care…I don’t care what is said, I am going to be here…for my life, for Eric, for Ian, for my family, for my friends…I DON’T CARE what they say. I DON’T F-IN CARE!!!

I asked for a 3 week plan (I think I like figuring out steps in 3 weeks at a time – less than a month but manageable). Get an appt with MD Anderson in Houston, go get thrown through a gamut of tests again, figure out if they have any trials going on that would benefit me – if yes, great – go to Houston once a week. If no, see what they would recommend. If same as Dr H, get treatment here. If different, figure out what is different, have them collaborate and see what option is better. How we are going to actually make this decision – I have no idea. Eric found several other trials throughout the country that we were hoping would pan out to be something….no.

SO pretty much, in 3 weeks I will be in chemo. If we go with her my treatment it will be 3 weeks on (once a week), 1 week off for 5 – 10 months.

A coward gets scared and quits. A hero gets scared, but still goes on.

- Anonymous

I came up with my new prayer: Thank You God for my body which is a vessel of radiant health that is full of life, love, laughter and light for at least another 50 years.

I am scared…very scared.

The wind storm

How do you stay still in the middle of a wind storm?
I am not sure.

“I cannot change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” Jimmy Dean

Eric and I were sitting on the couch while mom and Marci were fluttering about cleaning and organizing (because lets be real, some things I am not good at) and he said, I guess this is something we need to get used to….sitting still while others aren’t. I asked how we keep still in the middle of a wind storm. Get to the middle…the center of a tornado is still (not really sure I believe him with that, but we will go with it for now!)

So, how do we as a family get to the middle of the tornado, hunker down and stay still?

At church yesterday, our pastor preached about claiming our wholeness. He explained there are two perceptions when we think of asking for things. We feel 100% different about asking our boss for a raise and not knowing what the answer will be verses when our boss asks us to do a project for him and we already know what the answer will be. The point was when I, we, everyone prays, I shouldn’t ask for me to be healed, cured, fixed (yes, I feel broken), etc. I need to know I am already whole and healed in His eyes and I need to pray this way. I need to pray from a place where I am already cured, where I am already free of disease, where I am already with my son who is grown and I was there to see it all happen.

What I ask of you is to pray from a place of gratitude, grace and light. Don’t pray from a place of desperation, fear and anger.

Don’t pray: Dear God, please let me have a healthy pregnancy.

Instead pray, Dear God, thank You for my healthy baby.

For me I pray, Dear God, thank You for my healthy body and every little cell being well. Thank You for the long life ahead of me full of love, laughter and light.

“You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you change yourself. That is something you are in charge of.” Jim Rohn

I am trying….trying as hard as I can to find this place, to know I am in charge of me, my thoughts, my love for myself and others, my everything. I am trying to find my middle safe place but man alive, right now I do feel like I have been sucked up into the tornado and am flying around with the cows.

Tailspin

The world as we knew it was promptly busted around 9:45 Friday morning. The results are in; I felt like someone punched me in the stomach and kicked me in the ribs while I was down and then pulled my hair just for fun.
It is stage IV metastatic breast cancer. What this means is, it is the same cancer as in the breast, it has moved to my lungs and 3 spots in some bones and ribs?? Not really sure of all the details because as soon as I heard treatable but not curable, I pretty much floated into a bubble and only heard tid bits of information. I now know how Charley Brown felt all those years – you are there, you know something is being said but you can’t for the life of you focus, listen and hear.

We are looking into MD Anderson to see if there is a clinical trial for me to be in and if not I will start chemo within 2 weeks. And within these 2 weeks I will need to go to day surgery again to get a port. Eric still has many questions as to the treatment(s) so we still aren’t sure what exactly is going to be happening. I do know this, it is going to be a long road, it is going to be hard but it is all going to be worth every second of the hard work to get to live this wonderful life with my hubby, Ian, family and friends.

I can’t thank everyone enough for the loving emails, texts and voicemails. I am not ready to talk about this yet and honestly, I am not sure I ever will be. To me it is what it is, we are going to do what needs to be done and our “normal” life will now just be a different level of normal.

Three Little Words

You have cancer
WHAT THE F*CK?

Remember to breathe

Its breast cancer

It is small

Is stage one

Whole world spins

Chemo, surgery, radiation

You are done

Celebrate, cheer, love

One year by

You’re still clean

Two years by

You look great

Approaching 3 yrs

Off the anti-depressants

Abnormal CT scan

F*CK F*CK F*CK

In the lung(s)

All is unknown

Scared, pissed, sad

Ready to fight

Be bald again

Ask for help

Ask for prayers

Cry, laugh, love

The elephant in the room

Is now me – damn it, I hate when that happens. Or I at least like it to happen when someone says something bitchy to me and I have to break out “the look” and everyone is on edge thinking, “oh shit, is she going to say something?!?!” Oh, you girls know the last time THIS happened!
FAQs:

How are you?

I am pissed, but honestly I am okay. I am sure Friday when we go to talk treatment it might hit me a little more and I might crack, but I don’t really feel like that. I don’t feel that being sad is going to do me, Eric or Ian any good. However, I won’t be false strong this time. If I have a crappy day, you all are going to hear about it. If I want to cry, someone will be hearing from me. If Eric or I are scared, we will talk to each other or someone about it. There will be no pussy footing around how shitty this is this time.

What can I do for you?

Nothing right now, but my neighborhood h**kers, on I mean honeys are going to be putting together a care calendar. If you want to add something to it, please let me know I will get you in touch with who is doing what. And believe you me, we are not turning away ANY help this time. If you offer, you better be willing to produce because we are taking you up on it! :)

How is Eric?

Eh, I guess the same as me. He thinks the same as me – no need to be sad, do what needs to be done and get on with life. We were laughing tonight because he thinks he last bit of hair on top is fading and I said, well this is surly going to do it in.

What are you going to tell Ian?

Not sure yet. We will figure it out as we go.

Are you mad at God?

No. I know he didn’t give me this. I am confused as to if there is a lesson for me to still learn what in the world it is?? I felt like I had/have a good grasp on my purpose while here on earth and thought I was working towards helping people create beauty, share love and pass along kindness…maybe that isn’t it? I don’t know.

Can you still drink? YES – lots of red wine is my friend at this point in time.

Can you still exercise? Yes, I did not lose my legs. :)

What are you going to do with Ian? Keep on keeping on with our life. I am going to more than likely put him in M/W/F MDO and get some help on T/Th when either my mom, Eric's mom or Aunt Tammy isn’t here to help.

What about Leopards & Lilies? I have a plan – I can make necklaces while sitting at chemo and have my etsy site take off!! Not sure about classes right now but I will see. This makes me sad because I feel like I had really found my nitch and hit my stride with it all but alas, maybe this isn’t the stride I need to be hitting?

Are you changing your diet? YES. Eric and I have talked about it for too long and now it is 100% time to do it. Low GI foods, no preceded foods and no sugar. Hey, I will lose those last 15 pounds!

I know you might read this and think I am not taking it seriously, I am taking it very serious. But like I said it isn’t going to do me or our family any good to be boo hooing about it. I will figure out the next step and go from there.

And, I am so eternally grateful for all my family and friends who have reached out to help support us. It really makes us see just how blessed we are to have all you wonderful people in our lives.

Until Friday….

At least I can laugh….

Tuesday, March 8, 2011
9:23 a.m. I received the call I never wanted to receive again – Texas Oncology calling me to tell me that something on my CT scans came back and my Dr wanted to see me ASAP.

My plan for the day was to go to the gym with Gina and then head to Central Market to let the kids play. Well, the plan changed. I called Eric almost about to throw up telling him he needed to meet me at tx oncology at 3:30 and then called Gina to tell her to come over and she needed to watch Ian at 3:00. Fast forward to Central Market, we let the boys run and play, ordered food and a glass of wine and headed up to our usual spot on the outside upstairs deck to have it all to ourselves.

15 minutes later, a women’s head peaks out the door, “wow, it is nice out here,” she said. “It is a great place for us to let the kids run around, and we enjoy lunch,” I say (FAIR WARNING in that statement with me saying “let the kids run around”). Fast forward another 15 minutes, we have food, a glass of wine due to the call earlier and the boys are well, being boys. The one woman has grown to a group of 4 or 5 not really sure. Well Parker and Ian think it will be fun to yell at the nasty birds and honestly I don’t care at this point – more than don’t care, I don’t give a F*CK what others are thinking at this point. The one old lady at the table says, “they are hurting our ears” “well, sorry – we were here first, we sit out here for a reason, and they are just being boys,” I say. Gina and I continue to eat, the boys continue to munch and run around. They start hollering down at BB and the old lady comes over to us and says, “You don’t own this patio” (REALLY??? You think we would actually be eating here if we did??!?!?) “blah blah blah” (at this point I totally tuned her out because I wasn’t having it) then I snapped, I was done. “You know what, I received a call from my oncologist telling me I have cancer for a second and at this point I don’t care, I don’t care what they are doing and I don’t care if it is bothering you” “well, I am on codeine – we all have our problems.” Then me and Gina just laugh, we can’t help it we just laugh. I wish I was on codeine and I sure as heck wouldn’t be acting like that!

Sylvia gets there at the very tail end of the “confrontation” and Gina and I are laughing and crying, Sylvia has no idea what the hell is going on and I just want to drink more wine. And that we did, I went and bought us a bottle, and we sat out in the sunshine and enjoyed ourselves.

3:30 Get to oncologist and feel like I am seriously going to puke, still a little buzzed and just pissed. Eric and I try to pass time by playing each other in words with friends – I guess it helped the puking feeling. Got called back – SH*T, here we go. Got weighed and am down another pound (whoot whoot!) and more waiting. Knock, knock F*CK, it is real. “Hi there, can I come in,” she says, “I guess.” “So, have you been feeling okay” and right then I knew. “Well, I have been having trouble breathing but I thought it was seasonal asthma/allergies”….you thought wrong sucker.

She said there is a chance it is some random infection to which I said, well a child in Ian’s mother day out had whooping cough. “Have you had a cough?” “No” “Not whooping cough…” yes, I was grasping for anything.

From this point on, I am not really sure what was said and the best Eric and I can piece together: 2 masses on lunges, one on each; might be wrapped around a blood vessel and limp node, some smaller areas of concern but aren’t called lesions. She told me we can’t know it is cancer until we have gathered all our facts, which will be in my lung biopsy.

Here is what I did hear, the sadness in her voice when she told me to gather my support system because I was going to need them and the love in her hug as I broke down in her arms. Pull it together to walk out and start scheduling everything. On Wednesday: lung Dr at 9:30 & head MRI at 2:55 and on Friday, PET scan.

Leave, very shaken trying to decide who to call and what to do. Call mom, ask her if she can talk and am pretty sure before she even answers me I am a puddle on the phone and probably not making much sense. Texted Gina to have her get Sylvia and Teri and all them come over at 8:30 after kids are down. Eric and I make margaritas and let Ian eat dinner on the couch. Girls come over at 8:30 and drinking wine commences and goes on for awhile.

Oh, funny side note, Gina told me, “Girl you got Sylvia to pray for the first time today – you got the atheist to pray!!” Again, at least we can laugh.

Wednesday:

Wake up pretty hung over – oh not feeling so hot at all. Rally, get ready, make Ian’s lunch, hang out with the boys and hit the road. I forgot how much I hate morning traffic (one of the many perks of my life). Get to lung dr after getting lost a few times, take too many breathing tests and wait for him to come him….it is taking forever and I am watching Top Chef on my phone.

He comes in, we talk and I decide he is a cool guy and I know why Dr. H sent me to him – he knows his stuff and is bad a*s at what he does. He tells his nurse to clear his schedule for Friday which of course makes my heart beat a little faster. Talk some more about the procedure and schedule the bronchoscope for Friday – although I heard what he said, I am still clueless as to what I will be having done. Leave thinking this isn’t really happening.

Library, lunch, pick up Ian, hang out at home for an hour or so and then off to brain MRI.

Okay, I am tired of being poked at this point. 2 pokes and I have yet another IV this week. MRI is nothing exciting and although the knocking was random and odd, I found it a little soothing – I think this shows how stressed I am at this point.

6:30 – oncologist calls to tell me head is good!! WHOOP WHOOP, one for Team S

Thursday:

Normal day around here. Ian swim lessons, gym with Gina, lunch at Phil’s Ice House, home to hang out and play.

Finally looked on-line and decided I needed collective prayers for a lung fungus. Sent out the word for that to be the prayer. Mom & Rachele thought I was a little strange but said they would go along with my plan – thanks y’all!!

Friday:

Ugh, here we go. Get up, normal day, get ready, smell the yummy coffee that I couldn’t have (I don’t blame Eric, he needed it!) Ian was very excited to go over to Zach’s for the day which made it that much easier for us to drop him off.

Got to the hospital, checked in, back to my room and poked again – TWO times if you were wondering. IV count for the week:3.

Eric and I hung out, people in and out to talk to us, Dr. in, drugs in and out. Wake up, will myself to wake up because at this point I am ready to go home and be done. Asked the nurse if I could look at her Cooking Light magazine, because who doesn’t like to look at yummy food when you know you can’t eat? Was wheeled back to my room where Eric was waiting for me and after I told him I was looking at the magazine and he said, we can get the cooking channel again I knew the answer to my question – what is it?? “Is it?” “yes” “F*CK” – I seem to be using this word a lot lately. Talk about what dr. told him…it is small (under 1 cm) and seems to be in only one spot. Dr. came in and explained a little more of what he found – still not 100% sure if the spot is in lymph node or right by it – eh, will find out soon enough. Had to hear all the warnings about coughing up blood, high temp, blah, blah, blah – I am ready to blow this joint.

3:00 – FINALLY I can drink some water and eat. I thought I was to about to dry up.

3:30 – Pick up Ian, head home for normal night.

Stay tuned for the exciting adventures to come with this round of bull sh*t!

Ask and you will receive

And not always the answer you wanted.
For those who know me personally (not sure who actually reads this) know that I almost had given up on actually having another child of our own. I have still been holding on to that last prayer, that last glimmer of hope of my desire to have another child of our own. Eric on the other hand (who is much more “scientific” then me) has always wanted to know the numbers – what is my chance of getting cancer again if we did have another baby, chances after waiting 3 years, chances after 5 years, chances if we decide no baby.

The problem with all this is triple negative cancer (what I had) is a very aggressive breast cancer and there aren’t a lot of numbers of life after it because for so long, tn was very bad. Now, new medicine, new ways to treat, etc numbers after tn are great but there isn’t much info on babies after tn.

Long story short, I have been praying for an answer, a clear black & white, yes or no answer to my heart’s question – should we ever try to have another child after I hit my 3 year mark?? I do feel in my heart this is my answer:

Triple-Negative Breast Cancer risk increases with each birth

Oh, how my heart aches with this harsh reality. But in the same breath I have to remind myself of all the blessings we have – all of our health, our family, a life with almost no worries, family, friends, each other, and on and on and on.

But I do still have my “wish I would have done” moments – I wish I would have tried harder to breast feed Ian, I wish I would have never gone back to work when he was 4 months because I feel I missed so much his first 18 months, I wish I would have soaked in every moment of his infancy verses waiting for the next stage and thinking, it has to get easier. But I do find comfort in knowing I held him as much I could, I loved/love him with all my heart, I kissed/kiss him as much as I could and can. I can say with 100% certainty cancer did change my life, our family life and our future but instead of looking back on these next few years with regret about not having the family I had envisioned for us, I vow to cherish every moment, every experience and remind myself daily that life is precious and perfect even if it isn’t what I had in mind.