Scared....shitless

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.


- Eleanor Roosevelt

Now, I am NOT saying I can’t and won’t beat this, but I am scared shitless at this point in time. We listened to the meeting with Dr H from Friday when we found out the “news,” Monday night and I heard things I worked really hard to forget (yes maybe by drinking lots of wine) during the weekend. I made another appt with her yesterday for today because we had time to get our heads on straight, think rationally and ask coherent questions (Friday….not so much).

So we now know the following things are a for sure – whereas Friday we were kind of sure, maybe, not really.

It has nothing to do with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was hoping the hot spots in my shoulder were somehow from… maybe RA….not.

The main spot on my lung is kind of in the middle of my chest and is about 2 inches. We can’t biopsy more now from this spot because it is in front of my heart and well at this point a needle in my heart isn’t going to help matters much.

There are several (still not sure HOW much) spots IN my lungs (before I was thinking they were on my lungs…not sure why) and each of these are about the size of pea.

We can’t do surgery on these because they are small and randomly all over the place.

I am still not 100% sure about the bone…it is in my bones but barely because it did NOT register on the bone scan. It is on a rib and in my left shoulder area (this is what I was hoping was going to be from RA).

Eric then wanted to have a private conversation with her which I was fine with. Not really sure what all was said and at this point and I don’t care. My mind is made up that I don’t care…I don’t care what is said, I am going to be here…for my life, for Eric, for Ian, for my family, for my friends…I DON’T CARE what they say. I DON’T F-IN CARE!!!

I asked for a 3 week plan (I think I like figuring out steps in 3 weeks at a time – less than a month but manageable). Get an appt with MD Anderson in Houston, go get thrown through a gamut of tests again, figure out if they have any trials going on that would benefit me – if yes, great – go to Houston once a week. If no, see what they would recommend. If same as Dr H, get treatment here. If different, figure out what is different, have them collaborate and see what option is better. How we are going to actually make this decision – I have no idea. Eric found several other trials throughout the country that we were hoping would pan out to be something….no.

SO pretty much, in 3 weeks I will be in chemo. If we go with her my treatment it will be 3 weeks on (once a week), 1 week off for 5 – 10 months.

A coward gets scared and quits. A hero gets scared, but still goes on.

- Anonymous

I came up with my new prayer: Thank You God for my body which is a vessel of radiant health that is full of life, love, laughter and light for at least another 50 years.

I am scared…very scared.