Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Ask and you will receive

And not always the answer you wanted.
For those who know me personally (not sure who actually reads this) know that I almost had given up on actually having another child of our own. I have still been holding on to that last prayer, that last glimmer of hope of my desire to have another child of our own. Eric on the other hand (who is much more “scientific” then me) has always wanted to know the numbers – what is my chance of getting cancer again if we did have another baby, chances after waiting 3 years, chances after 5 years, chances if we decide no baby.

The problem with all this is triple negative cancer (what I had) is a very aggressive breast cancer and there aren’t a lot of numbers of life after it because for so long, tn was very bad. Now, new medicine, new ways to treat, etc numbers after tn are great but there isn’t much info on babies after tn.

Long story short, I have been praying for an answer, a clear black & white, yes or no answer to my heart’s question – should we ever try to have another child after I hit my 3 year mark?? I do feel in my heart this is my answer:

Triple-Negative Breast Cancer risk increases with each birth

Oh, how my heart aches with this harsh reality. But in the same breath I have to remind myself of all the blessings we have – all of our health, our family, a life with almost no worries, family, friends, each other, and on and on and on.

But I do still have my “wish I would have done” moments – I wish I would have tried harder to breast feed Ian, I wish I would have never gone back to work when he was 4 months because I feel I missed so much his first 18 months, I wish I would have soaked in every moment of his infancy verses waiting for the next stage and thinking, it has to get easier. But I do find comfort in knowing I held him as much I could, I loved/love him with all my heart, I kissed/kiss him as much as I could and can. I can say with 100% certainty cancer did change my life, our family life and our future but instead of looking back on these next few years with regret about not having the family I had envisioned for us, I vow to cherish every moment, every experience and remind myself daily that life is precious and perfect even if it isn’t what I had in mind.
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