Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Sit down, buckle up and hold on

Because this is going to be one heck of a ride. Today was surreal and I don’t really know if I have processed all this. I feel numb, pissed and scared sh*tless – I really didn’t ever want to feel pissed but I do right now. I am pissed because my plan of not needing chemo and getting a double mastectomy and getting good new boobs didn’t work out so well – and I really don’t like when my brilliant plans don’t work out in reality how I have them in my mind.

I am scared out of my mind because, hello, I have NO IDEA what chemo is going to do to me. I have list of what it can do, what medicine I can take but there are some things I can’t take medicine for – tiredness, taste buds changing, and hair loss. Now, I know I currently look cute with short hair, but am I going to look cute with NO hair? Will Ian look at me differently? Will Eric still think I am his beautiful wife? Will I stick out like a sore thumb no matter where I go? I just don’t know. I do know though that there are some cute hats out there, so I will need to go hat shopping soon – that is something I have never said before.

I am scared of the tiredness. I already feel bad for everything that I know Eric is going to have to take care of. I HATE not being able to pull my own weight and help him out and hate even more that I won’t be able to be the great mom to Ian I love being. As my Dr. has told me twice now, I need to go ahead and get it in my head that I will not be winning any mother, wife, employee, friend of the year award.

The taste bud changing bit doesn’t really bother me. I have always said if there was ever a time when I couldn’t taste, I would eat chicken, rice and beans – hey, I might be able to lose these 10 pounds I have been trying to lose forever.

So, here it is – my pickings out of the big black boxes. I am what they call triple negative. I am ER -, PR- and HER2-. What that means is, this isn’t caused by estrogen, progesterone or HER (still not REAL sure what that means). This is a type of cancer that has been getting a lot of press lately due to them defining it by a lack of positive results. With the lack of any positive, they aren’t real sure why the cancer occurs – the best guest is one little stubborn cell got the wrong message and starting duplicating itself like it was someone import and now has caused havoc within my body. The good news to this is it can be treated with a variety of chemo cocktails – whereas if it was ER+ or PR+ there are only a few cocktails to treat with.

I also found out, I am stage 1 (good news) and grade 3 (a faster growing tumor – I don’t want to call it aggressive). With it being grade 3 is in a way a good thing – being as the cells are multiplying quickly, the chemo usually works really well on this type of cancer.

After we found all this out, we were sitting at the “chemo scheduler’s desk” and she asked, so when do you want start. Well hell, is there ever a good day to start chemo?? I picked Friday, yes this Friday to start. However, I am going to call tomorrow to see if I can move my date around depending on when I am going to feel the worst after each treatment. If I can move my day from being on every Friday, I will go ahead and start on this Friday, if not, I will start Monday. The reason I need to know this is because Dr. H said patients normally feel the worst 7 days after the chemo, so I don’t want to feel worst every other weekend. I would rather feel the worst during the week, when Ian won’t be home to see me feeling like crap and Eric can be at work with his mind off of this mess.

Chemo is going to last 16 weeks. I will be on a bi-weekly cycle which is very aggressive, but they have found with the triple negative, if a person can handle the aggressive schedule, the tumor responds much better. And with me being young and healthy, she feels the more aggressive schedule will work for me – I hope so, let’s get this over with.

The first 8 weeks I will be on A/C (I don’t know the exact technical name for this) and the second 8 weeks I will be on taxol. The A/C is supposed to be the worst of it – I will lose my hair within two weeks after starting and it causing extreme fatigue. The taxol isn’t as bad and my hair can even start growing back during this time!

I do realize this is going to be a very trying 4 months, but I just keep telling myself, it is 4 months – not very long. I also realize these 4 months will change me forever and I am ready to get started so I can be done. And, we already had a cruise planned for February 14th and if all goes well according to her plan, we will be on the cruise ship celebrating my cancer free body.

Butterflies

I have a lot of them in my stomach right now. I woke up around 5:45 with them and they haven’t gone away. I am not really sure why I have them – am I nervous, anxious, excited (highly doubtful – but maybe a little just to have something start happening to solve this problem).
The minutes of this morning are ticking by so slowly – I just want 12:15 to get here, so I can leave and be on my way to find out what is in my cards. I will post something tonight to let everyone know how the appointment went and what is next. Please send me positive thoughts around 12:45.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Happy Monday



It is Monday, but how can you not smile at this?

As the days go by

Wow, I really can’t believe tomorrow is almost here and I will find out my fate. Then I think, how has it only been 20 days since I found out the news? So much has happened in 20 days it is very hard to think about and put into words – so I won’t because I feel like I already have and already have dealt with what I needed to deal with.

Now, I say I FEEL like I have dealt with the emotions that are “supposed” to come along with hearing this type of news, but have I? I was at lunch with Laurie today and I was telling her that I have read about so many women who were angry and wondered why them when they found out. I can honestly say I haven’t been angry once nor wondered why me. This is the way I am currently looking at it and honestly hope I can keep this in my sight once more intensive treatment starts – if it even has to. Again, I haven’t really thought about the what if’s of most treatments because I just don’t know what I am going to have to go through and I can’t compare myself to any other story out there because everyone’s story is so different. Okay, back to how I am looking at it right now – why be angry with something I can’t change with anger? Really, you can’t change anything with anger and anger takes up a lot of energy to hold on to and keep brewing. I need to use my energy to say positive, take care of myself, Ian, Eric and the hundreds of other things that happen in my weeks.

And if I wonder “why me” I know why me. Because I can handle this and I am going to make great things happen because of this. You will hear more about a project one of my dear friends, Meg came up with for me – Cards for A Cause and how we are going to take her idea and run with it and do for others in my situation. I have always wanted to leave a “footprint” behind and I know in my heart, this is going to be my contribution to make this world a better place. So, why not me? If not me, would Meg have come up with this brilliant idea and if not me, would she have been willing to take on this project with someone else and if not me, would someone else have my determination to do this in order to help others no matter what?? From what Meg has told me about the cards and the excitement behind them, I can only imagine how much of an impact this one little idea from her is going to have on me and my family and if I can be apart of that for someone else, then I know why me.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Friend

By definition means: a person attached to another by feelings or affection or personal regard.

To me a friend means so much more I really don’t where to start. I am not sure I can actually explain all the different friendships I have. I have friendships with people I knew in elementary school, people I met at church camp in middle school to only meet again in high school and who I swore I would NOT be friends with (mainly because she was stealing my thunder – this said friend is actually my best friend today and has been for the past 15 years), people I have at one time or another not liked very much and I am sure the feeling was mutual – I might even venture to say some people I thought I could do physical harm to – the extent of that physical harm was a good hair pull! I am friends with people who I am sure at one point (or 5 or 10 points throughout our friendship), they have wanted to physically harm me in some way – luckily, we are not the “fighting kind” and we all lived through all of the stupid adventures to be able to look back on what we had and what was so special and what molded us into the wonderful women we are today.

I am friends with people I met at work and formed an unbreakable bond while drinking cocktails at happy hour and smoking too many cigarettes, I am friends with people who we played poker to all hours of the night and then had to get up and work real jobs, I am friends with people I met by introduction of my boyfriend who later became my husband, I am friends with co-workers ex and current, I am friends with people who hold the same values I do and some who don’t, I am friends with people who have a passion for crafts like I do and desire to make the world cute.

Looking at all my friends and the different kinds of friendships I have grown to have over the years, I can’t express how grateful I am for every person in my life and for everything they have given me and helped me in some way or another to grow into the person I am today.

I received a package today that brought me to tears – not from sadness but from the shear joy it brought to me - the memories flooded back like it was yesterday. Now, I have always known how special I am in to the person who sent this to me and she knows the same from me. But this really made me think, out of all the people who are in my life, do all of them know how special they are to me and what they have done to impact my life or what trait of them I found so admirable? I don’t think they do. So in the coming weeks, I am going to let the people in my life know what they mean to me and why. So yes, you can expect a sappy card filled with my terrible handwriting letting you why you are so special.

Here is one of my favorite quotes from the book that brought me to tears: “A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.”

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The puzzle is coming together

I heard from my oncologist today and I think she was more excited than I was to hear that my DRC test came back negative. Now, what does that mean you are wondering? Well, it is wonderfully fantastic news! It means I do NOT carry the “cancer gene” so I don’t have to pencil in “ovary removal” into my calendar now or in the future.

I am still recovering from the porta-cath and biopsy today. My left shoulder and peck feels like Eric made lift way heavier weights than I would want to while working out. And you don’t realize how much you use your peck muscle until you have had a plastic line strung threw it. I still haven’t removed the bandage from it, so I don’t know what it is going to look like. I told Jill I would take a picture and post it once I do remove the bandage. So there is something for everyone to look forward to!

I still can’t pick up Ian which is so incredibly hard - especially when he runs up to me and puts his head in my legs. However Eric is so great with him and keeps him occupied while I sit on the side lines and watch them play. Ian’s new favorite game is, chase and toss. Eric will ask, where is Ian and Ian gets in an almost football stance and is ready for Eric to chase and tickle and toss him around. Watching that made me feel better than any pain medicine will ever make me feel.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Port-a-what?

Everything went well today. I had the porta-cath “installed” and the core biopsy. I am still not 100% sure how this bad boy works because thinking of something being put into my vein and staying there really freaks me out. So, I chose not to think about it and just be happy I won’t have to get an IV every time I receive chemo.

They gave me a happy cocktail which made me remember nothing and wake up still feeling good. I told Eric while I was “sobering up”, I felt like a night that I would tell my friends I would be right back but instead go to bed and pass out! HA, we sure haven’t had one of those nights in well over two years. But mark my words, we will have one of those nights as soon as this mess is over.

My left shoulder is still incredibly sure from where they put the porta-cath. My Dr. told me to expect to be sore for about 3 – 5 days and I can’t lift anything heavy, so that means lifting my 28 pound love bug is out of picture for a few days. Luckily Eric is awesome and will pick him up from school and handle the nightly duties. This is the hardest part for me – not being able to take care of our son. But, I have to remember, I am taking care of him by taking care of myself.

Smile…yes please….thank you

Might be the hardest string of words I am going to have to learn to say when it comes to excepting help from others. I am great at smiling, saying yes please and thank you, but when asked if I need help, my first response is almost always, no thanks, I’ve got it. And as most of you know, I am fiercely independent and even more stubborn. Thanks to my mom raising me to know I can do anything on own, I have taken that with me throughout my life. However I do realize the time has come to accept help graciously and try not to feel guilty about it. Oh guilt, that is fun emotion. One of my goals to learn through this journey: people don’t mind doing things to help me in whatever form, in fact they want to – just like I want to do so much for others. And most of all, when they offer to help, it is sincere and they aren’t just saying it to be polite.

Monday, September 22, 2008

One Step closer

I will be tomorrow. I go in for the core biopsy and pick-line insertion at 8:30 but surgery begins at 10:30. I am not real sure what all to expect. I wasn't thinking it was going to be any big deal but the papers the Dr. office gave me told me to expect to be "out of commission" - well, it didn't say that - for 2 -3 days. Eh, I am still not sure if that will be the case or not?!?! I will let everyone know how it goes sometime tomorrow - hey, you can look forward to a drugged up post tomorrow - now THAT will be interesting.

Mascara

Today is the first day since I heard the news that I have worn mascara. No, not because all my eyelashes fell out and then grew back – do you think I will lose my eyelashes?? Eh, whatever. I wore it again today and will continue to wear it daily because I have decided there will be no more tears shed to this illness. I have realized that I have so much to be thankful for and I am so much to so many people, I don’t have time to cry about what might be – I only have time to be thankful for what is.

I started thinking about how many people are in my life and how many people are in my corner to beat this and it was truly overwhelming the love I felt just thinking about it. So with that, I made a list of who I am and need to be for the people in my life and who I love to be for them.

I am: a mother to Ian – he needs me to be a fun, upbeat, wise mother to tell him that I KNOW what he has been up to when he is a teenager because I did what he is doing.
A wife to Eric – he needs me to keep him company, hold hands with and just love, he needs me to tell him all my crazy ideas and him be able to help me figure out a way can make them a reality.
A sister – Rachele needs me to help her pick out clothes (although she doesn’t listen to my advice, she needs it ;-P), she needs me to be her little sister who she can help me find my way when I am lost.
A daughter to my mom and dad – they both need me in such different ways. Mom needs me to talk to at least 2 times a day (if she hadn’t switched from Sprint, I wouldn’t be in my minute crisis), and to laugh with her and give fashion advice (luckily, she does listen) and to let her baby me still (hey, I really don’t mind it). Dad needs me to talk to him and let him know how much he means to me.
I am a daughter-in-law and sister-in-law – they need me to actually tell them what is going on. Eric likes to skim the surface but I will give them the meat of the matter. They need to know that Eric is taken care of and they don’t need to worry about his happiness.
My friends and family – they all need me to be there for them to listen to, and give advice to (sometimes unsolicited!), to laugh with, to make laugh, to drink wine with, eat yummy food (I will have to cheat on the diet occasionally), make cute things for and hug.
I am an aunt to 3 wonderful kids that need a fun and “hip” aunt they know they can talk to when they don’t want to talk to their own parents.
I am a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin and much more to so many. I am so much to so many others and when I think of this, all I can think of is, how blessed am I to have all these people in my life who need ME?
So with that, I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself or wish this away, all I have time is to enjoy everyone around me and all they give me in return. Please, if you take anything away from me going through this, take this away, look at those in your life and know how blessed you are for what you have.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

The odds

I would like to think we don't live our lives by odds, but I guess to some extent - we do. What are the odds it will rain today? What are the odds I will make it to work on time if I leave 5 minutes late? What are the odds I will win the lottery today (not very good!).

After looking into our hearts, thinking every possible scenerio through inside and out, deciding where I stood ethicly, I looked at our odds. We are going with the odds in my favor - 80% chance of me regaining normal periods after chemo is finished and 100% faith in God and our decision. We decided against the harvesting process for so many reasons.

My biggest reason for saying no to it is the fact I have no idea when life actually does begin. I know there are scienists out there that say the embryo isn't "alive" until it producing blood on its own (or something like that - science really isn't my strong suit) and most religions believe it begins as early as the sperm meets the egg. No one really knows and we never will, but I want to do the right thing by me and the would have been possible embryos. I just can't imagine if life does begin at the embryo state, me having something to do with freezing however many embyos for however long - possibly forever.

Let me tell you, facing an ethicial decision like this is so much harder when you are the middle of it. Everyone likes to sit on a high horse and say what they would or wouldn't do. But until you are in the situation, you never know what you would do. I was so emotionally vested in this, I could not see past the fact that I would be a horrible mother to Ian if I wasn't able to give him a sibling. But then I had to remember back to when this all began (oh, a whole 10 days ago) and remember what I told myself, I will take this one day at a time. If I look at the whole picture, it will scare the living crap out me. So, looking at today, I have to look out for my health first and foremost, get this sh*t taken care of and then we will move on with the possibility of another child. And looking at it from that prepective really helped us make the decision - I have to be the best mother to Ian right now. He will forgive me if I don't give him a sibling - he wouldn't forgive me if I didn't take care of myself.

And it was crazy, once Eric and I both said no to each other, I felt peace in my heart and knew we made the right decision.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Great news!

I just heard from my breast specialist about the PEM scan yesterday - ONE LUMP ONLY and 1.7 cm, which means Stage 1!!!!! Hey, if this really has to be, then this is great news for me.

Also, I added a link to the right for the race for the cure. Jenn so kindly set up a team in my name as soon as she heard the news last week. Really, has it only been 9 days since I found out? Seems like a life time ago.

Today is going much better than yesterday. Eric and I are still trying to decide what to do about the "harvesting issue" but we are both leaning more towards putting it in God's hand and letting him decide if we are going to have another kido sometime down the road. I will let everyone know what our final decision is - it will be before 5:00 tonight.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

A fish out of water

Is how I feel. Well, I think that is how I feel. I am not real sure how a fish out of water really feels. But the feeling is difficulty breathing and only focusing on getting back to the water, then yes, that is how I feel. All I want right now is for us to go back to our drama free lives – we were so happy sans drama. Don’t get me wrong, we are still happy but there is much more drama that I am not used to dealing with.

I am writing this while sitting in a small room at Dr. Nelson’s office, my breast specialist, half naked with a flimsy gown on, that has to open to the front, the ac turned down to freezing and an IV stuck in my hand with a syringe taped down to my hand. This is all after the nurse missing the first stick of the IV in my arm and having to do it again in my hand. Really, really?? How do you f-ing miss my vein – this is what you do all damn day.

Before this hurrah at this office bagan, Eric and I already had a very rough morning. We went to the fertility specialist to talk with her nurse about our “situation”. As I said before, this is the hardest part for me – the thought of not being able to have another baby. Bubbles did tell my mom we were going to have 3 babies, so I had been gearing up for that timeline in my head since Ian was born. Again, we received so much information in such a little time frame, a time frame in which tears were shed and laughs occurred. I am not sure how to put into words how I feel about the possibility of me not being able to have another child. It isn’t that I don’t feel 100% complete with our family of 3 because I do. And I know if Ian has to grow up without a brother or sister, he has a ton of little friends down in Austin, cousins in Fort Worth and Michigan – it is just one of the hardest things to hear that I might not be able to give him a brother or sister. I can’t imagine my life without my sister and I look at Tucker and Landry and can’t imagine them without the other.

So there we sat, with this chart of expenses in front of us and all I can think is, how can we put a price on this decision? Price aside, I have to figure out what my odds are going to be for me to carry a baby? After lengthy discussion with Eric, we are both in agreement that we don’t want a sergeant to carry our child. So, all this is going to ride on what type of cancer I have. If it is estrogen driven, I am fairly certain, I will not be able to even carry a child. But then if it is DNA type, I THINK I would possibly be able to carry. And of course, no matter what type it is, a lot will depend on the chemo treatment I receive and if it throws me into early menopause. Really, really – I might go through menopause before my mom? Nice, I guess I will be able to give her helpful tips for once!

No matter what we look at here, how we make this decision, I am certain this will be one of the most difficult decisions we will ever have to make. I just keep thinking, what if she tells me, you won’t be able to carry a child and then by some huge miracle, I would be able to but we didn’t freeze any embryos? Or what if we freeze 10 embryos, and then I can’t carry a child? All I can think about is what if I am leaving 10 kids frozen in time? What are my beliefs here and how do I figure them out in 24 hours. And I just don’t think there is anyone who can help me decide this – only my heart and my heart is so torn right now I don’t know what to think. All I know is that we have to decide soon – like Saturday soon. I either start the medicine now or I don’t.

There are so many balls in the air right now for me, Eric and us to try to catch, exam and throw back up and keep the juggling act going. This has been a hard day.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Just Breathe

Is pretty much the only thing I could tell myself while I was sitting waiting to be called back to the oncologist. Eric took Bug to school just like any other normal day and was on his way to meet me there. As I sat there looking at the “cliental” I know I stick out like a sore thumb. I am sure no one really cared that I was sitting there, but I felt like people were asking themselves, “is she waiting for her mom?” Nope, here for me, please look away; there is nothing to see here is what I wanted to shout out in the waiting room.
A few people walk in for a class. I think it is a class on chemo, but I am not 100% sure as I have lost a little of my eavesdropping skills since Ian! I am sure this is a class I have to look forward to.
After filling out yet more paper work, I try to read a book. That didn’t get me too far as I had to read the same page a few times.
Renee Sendelbach. Oh wow, she got the last name correct is what I think on my back. I let the front desk know that Eric is on his way and to please let him back. I had to get my height and weight again – I really don’t know why they won’t take my word for this!?! So, there I was sitting in a room waiting for someone – Eric, the dr., the nurse, someone to come in and tell me it is time to wake up and go home – the bad dream is over and I handled it all pretty well. Well, no one came in to tell me that.
Dr H, my oncologist, came in and started going over the very basic stuff until Eric got there. He arrived a few minutes and now was the time to get to the meat of the matter – what are my options from here. Dr. H is great. She is very to the point but in a kind way. She didn’t beat around the bush, which was fine with me. I am at the point of, just tell me what we are dealing so I know what all is on the table.
Here is what we now know: I had my blood drawn to have it tested for a DNA mutation. If it comes back positive, there is a high likely hood that I will have a double mastectomy and possibly my ovaries taken out. The reason behind this is if I do have the mutation, there is a 90% chance of reoccurring breast cancer and 96% chance of ovarian cancer. All I could think at this point, is WTF??? Who started talking about ovarian cancer? I am here for breast cancer.
If I don’t have this mutation, we will think about starting chemo before doing the lumpectomy. As Dr. H kindly put it, us small breasted woman have to stick together and she is afraid of the “divot” my breast will have if we do the lumpectomy right in the beginning. Not that the tumor is that big, my friends aren’t that big and any part taken out will be noticed. Not to worry though, reconstructive surgery is covered by insurance!
If it is estrogen driven, I will be on medicine to suck the estrogen out of my body – I am sure that will be an interesting hormonal rollercoaster for everyone to deal with!
There is an other slue of options that we could be looking at, but before I can pick out of the black box, I have to become a human lab rat. I am getting a PT scan and bone scan tomorrow. She says she has no reason to believe it is elsewhere but wants to all the facts before starting anything. Then sometime next week I will get the core biopsy.
And then WAM, we are hit with something that was in the back of our minds but we had barely discussed – we have to talk about the possibility of not having another baby. I think this was really the only point in all this that I cried. All I can think to myself is, why would I need to see a fertility Dr?? I am fertile mertile. We are going to a fertility Dr. to talk about harvesting some embryos, but I am sure yet how I feel about that ethically. But Eric and I have both decided unless there is a 50% chance of me carrying the baby; we won’t go through with this. And I have no idea what all is involved in this, I am sure more tests will go along with this as well.

So for now, I am trying to process all of this. I am not sure if I am in denial or what, but I am all cried out. And when I do talk about it, I feel like I talk about it so matter of fact. I am sure one day it will hit be like a brick wall what is going on and that no, I am not in a 2 week long bad dream - I am in my reality and I will deal with it like I have dealt with anything else in life - look it in the eyes and deal with it.

Monday, September 15, 2008

5 things I have learned in 6 short days:

1. My family and friends are absolutely the best. I have a whole swarm of people behind and ready to start down this road with me. Really, that is one of the best feelings in the world.
2. My diet is going to change – dramatically. I have been reading about how what we eat really does effect the growth of the tumors. Eric has so kindly volunteered himself to be put on my new plan with me. I am not 100% sure what the plan is just yet but I do know this – Thing that are out: dairy, red meat, processed food, sugar, caffeine (to all those around me daily, just give me about 7 days of withdrawal and I should be awake again).
Foods that are in: Miso soup (yeah, I can eat sushi!!), soy, fruits and veggies (as many organic as possible), fish (again, with the sushi), beans, nuts, small amounts of chicken and turkey. Oh and wine. I am not real sure this is actually on the list but I am putting it on.
I am sure there is more I can eat, but I am starting here.
I am looking at it this way: I love salads so I will start making some crazy salads and call it good. And why not get myself as healthy as possible before anything really starts.
3. There are so many flipping kinds of cancer and stages it can be in. I feel like when I do find out it will be like me sticking my hand in a big box with lots of pieces of paper and I have to pick two pieces out – one is the stage and one is type.
4. Breast cancer is usually forming for a good 3 – 5 years before we know it is there, and it too small to be detected on a mammogram. Who knew?
5. I don’t need to make a quick, rash decision on the type of treatment I want to have. I was under the impression, I found out and the next day I should be getting something done. It isn’t like that. I have time to really look at and research my options.

Something I haven’t learned and probably won’t: How to write short and sweet blog messages. Sorry folks, you all know I like to talk a lot and it sometimes takes me a while to get to my point (thanks mom!).

Schedule of events for the week of September 15th:
9/15: Meet with breast specialist this afternoon to get more reading material and go over more details about the PIM scan. I need to find out if I can be around people, specifically pregnant people.
9/16: Go to oncologist. Not real sure what is going to happen here and is this when I get to do my blind picking out of the box or what?
9/18: PIM scan

I will update everyone as the days go along. In the meantime, if you or anyone you know has any good ideas or EASY recipes that go along with my food “ins” I would greatly appreciate them.

Friday, September 12, 2008

WOW

Wow is really all I say about the wonderful emails and phone calls I have received from everyone. This is really an eye opening experience, I mean, I KNOW I am awesome but to now know everyone else knows it as well means the world to me! Really though, I can not thank everyone enough for the support, kind words of encouragement, prayers, offers to help out, etc.
I have received many, many phones calls which I have not returned. Please know, I am truly grateful for every call but my cell phone minutes are already running low. :-P
I am in the process of bumping up minutes so I can talk until I can’t talk anymore – damn Sprint wants to charge $.45 per minute over – OH, I don’t think so!
In the mean time, call me at work – those minutes are free or email me.
Love to everyone.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The cuteness of it all

So, I decided if we are all going to have to read this crap, we at least need to look at something cute! Eric helped me figure out how to make this so cute.
I am hoping that no news it good news. I haven't heard from the ongolist yet but am really hoping to sometime tomorrow.
I did talk to my breast specialist today, and I have a PIM mammogram schedule for Thursday at 10:45. The only draw back is I won't be able to be around Ian throughout the rest of day. I am not sure what all that entails, but luckly there is a girls night out already scheduled for that night - hey, I will just take advantage of a little girl time. Now what all the PIM is going to tell us, hell, I don't know. It will look at the lump, see if there are any more and then, I am not sure from there.
As soon as I have other appointments, I will let everyone know.

Changed forever

I received the call a little after 2:00 p.m. on September 10, 2008. "Renee, hi this is Dr. Nelson. I have your results from the biopsy. I am so sorry to tell you that it is cancer." WHAT THE FRICK??? I knew in my heart that when I had the biopsy it was going to be something but I sure didn't think it was going to be this. I mean, come on, I am THIRTY years old, have a precious baby boy, a wonderful husband, family and friends that are the best - how can I get cancer??
When I heard the words, I shut down. Thank goodness that Mary was in the office because I pretty much threw my cell phone at her and told her she had to talk.
After Mary got off of the phone, I now know that Dr. Nelson's office is making me an appointment with an oncologist and genealogist. We now have to determine what type of cancer it is and what the treatment for it will be.
Mary and Beth drove me home and waited with me until Eric got home. When I called Eric to come home I am pretty sure he already knew what I was going to tell him but actually saying the words to him was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I guess in my mind, it wasn't real until I spoke the words, "It isn't good. I have cancer." Cancer, what a crazy word. 6 letters that will change your life forever. It is an words to say in passing but when it comes to telling a loved one you have it, it doesn't come to easily.
Okay, so my number 1 on my list is done, now I have to tell the rest of my family and friends. How do I call my mom and tell her that her youngest baby has breast cancer? Do I just spit it out, do I hem and ha about it, what? Well, I think I just blurted it out pretty much as soon as she answered the phone. As always, mom was strong. She told me we have to keep our heads on straight and think clearly - I am pretty sure she was telling herself this as well as me.
After the shock from Eric and mom, I was done with the "news sharing" for awhile. Eric and I went to pick up bug (Ian - you will see him called bug a lot more!), and went to the pool for a bit. We had a great time. Ian loves the water and more so loves picking up sticks and chasing birds - which of course makes me nervous him running around with wet feet. I need to used to him making me nervous though. We then all came home, Ian ate dinner - well, I don't know if you can call it eating, more like shoveled it in at lighting speed and we all played. I told Eric I didn't/don't want to talk about anything that is going on when bug is up. We will have plenty of time in the evening to talk about it after he is in bed.
So the time has come, Ian is in bed and I have to call my sister and dad and Eric's mom. But first, we decided it was time for a frozen pizza and wine.
Now, I had to do something. The pizza was gone, we were half a bottle down and so
I start with Rachele but she wasn't home - Shayne got the news instead. I told him to have her call me back when the boys weren't around.
Then to my dad. I am pretty sure he was as shocked as I was when he heard me speak the words. He questioned of the legitness (is that a word?) of the test results - which I honestly never thought of. He was a tough one to tell. He isn't a man of many words, so hearing him tell me how sorry he was and that we will get through this and he loves me was one of the hardest ones to tell.
A little more wine down, more tears and another phone call. Rachele was calling me back. I really didn't know how to tell her. Again, I just blurted it out - I got the results and it is breast cancer. She was speechless for a while. I don't think the news really sank in for a few minutes and then to hear Landry in the back ground asking her what wrong totally broke my heart. His sweet innocent voice made me want to have that childlike innocent and not have to understand any of this shitty news myself.
One more we had to get done tonight - Eric's mom. I tried to tell her but I couldn't say it any more and I gave the phone to Eric. He had to tell her the news but again, I am pretty sure she already knew what he was going to tell her when I passed the phone to him. She is going to take on the task of telling all the rest of the family. Thank goodness.
There is still a whole list of people I have to tell. I am still not sure how to go about it all. Do I send an email - I mean, how impersonal but shit, how am I going to call everyone to tell them this? And really, do I want to say it again and again. That will be decided in a few hours. I am sure no one would appreciate me calling right now - 3:24 in the morning!
I am still not sure I have processed this all. I gets waves of tears, then just laugh about it, then a surreal feeling of what in the hell is going on and where am I?
One thing I know fore sure, you all will hear me laughing more than ever. I am going to get through this and I want to get through it with laughter. And to steal a quote from a movie, "I will crawl through a mile of shit to come out clean on the other side."
If you are reading this, I more than likely sent it to you or it was forwarded to you. But to everyone reading this, please keep me laughing.