Is pretty much the only thing I could tell myself while I was sitting waiting to be called back to the oncologist. Eric took Bug to school just like any other normal day and was on his way to meet me there. As I sat there looking at the “cliental” I know I stick out like a sore thumb. I am sure no one really cared that I was sitting there, but I felt like people were asking themselves, “is she waiting for her mom?” Nope, here for me, please look away; there is nothing to see here is what I wanted to shout out in the waiting room.
A few people walk in for a class. I think it is a class on chemo, but I am not 100% sure as I have lost a little of my eavesdropping skills since Ian! I am sure this is a class I have to look forward to.
After filling out yet more paper work, I try to read a book. That didn’t get me too far as I had to read the same page a few times.
Renee Sendelbach. Oh wow, she got the last name correct is what I think on my back. I let the front desk know that Eric is on his way and to please let him back. I had to get my height and weight again – I really don’t know why they won’t take my word for this!?! So, there I was sitting in a room waiting for someone – Eric, the dr., the nurse, someone to come in and tell me it is time to wake up and go home – the bad dream is over and I handled it all pretty well. Well, no one came in to tell me that.
Dr H, my oncologist, came in and started going over the very basic stuff until Eric got there. He arrived a few minutes and now was the time to get to the meat of the matter – what are my options from here. Dr. H is great. She is very to the point but in a kind way. She didn’t beat around the bush, which was fine with me. I am at the point of, just tell me what we are dealing so I know what all is on the table.
Here is what we now know: I had my blood drawn to have it tested for a DNA mutation. If it comes back positive, there is a high likely hood that I will have a double mastectomy and possibly my ovaries taken out. The reason behind this is if I do have the mutation, there is a 90% chance of reoccurring breast cancer and 96% chance of ovarian cancer. All I could think at this point, is WTF??? Who started talking about ovarian cancer? I am here for breast cancer.
If I don’t have this mutation, we will think about starting chemo before doing the lumpectomy. As Dr. H kindly put it, us small breasted woman have to stick together and she is afraid of the “divot” my breast will have if we do the lumpectomy right in the beginning. Not that the tumor is that big, my friends aren’t that big and any part taken out will be noticed. Not to worry though, reconstructive surgery is covered by insurance!
If it is estrogen driven, I will be on medicine to suck the estrogen out of my body – I am sure that will be an interesting hormonal rollercoaster for everyone to deal with!
There is an other slue of options that we could be looking at, but before I can pick out of the black box, I have to become a human lab rat. I am getting a PT scan and bone scan tomorrow. She says she has no reason to believe it is elsewhere but wants to all the facts before starting anything. Then sometime next week I will get the core biopsy.
And then WAM, we are hit with something that was in the back of our minds but we had barely discussed – we have to talk about the possibility of not having another baby. I think this was really the only point in all this that I cried. All I can think to myself is, why would I need to see a fertility Dr?? I am fertile mertile. We are going to a fertility Dr. to talk about harvesting some embryos, but I am sure yet how I feel about that ethically. But Eric and I have both decided unless there is a 50% chance of me carrying the baby; we won’t go through with this. And I have no idea what all is involved in this, I am sure more tests will go along with this as well.
So for now, I am trying to process all of this. I am not sure if I am in denial or what, but I am all cried out. And when I do talk about it, I feel like I talk about it so matter of fact. I am sure one day it will hit be like a brick wall what is going on and that no, I am not in a 2 week long bad dream - I am in my reality and I will deal with it like I have dealt with anything else in life - look it in the eyes and deal with it.