Sunday, September 21, 2008

The odds

I would like to think we don't live our lives by odds, but I guess to some extent - we do. What are the odds it will rain today? What are the odds I will make it to work on time if I leave 5 minutes late? What are the odds I will win the lottery today (not very good!).

After looking into our hearts, thinking every possible scenerio through inside and out, deciding where I stood ethicly, I looked at our odds. We are going with the odds in my favor - 80% chance of me regaining normal periods after chemo is finished and 100% faith in God and our decision. We decided against the harvesting process for so many reasons.

My biggest reason for saying no to it is the fact I have no idea when life actually does begin. I know there are scienists out there that say the embryo isn't "alive" until it producing blood on its own (or something like that - science really isn't my strong suit) and most religions believe it begins as early as the sperm meets the egg. No one really knows and we never will, but I want to do the right thing by me and the would have been possible embryos. I just can't imagine if life does begin at the embryo state, me having something to do with freezing however many embyos for however long - possibly forever.

Let me tell you, facing an ethicial decision like this is so much harder when you are the middle of it. Everyone likes to sit on a high horse and say what they would or wouldn't do. But until you are in the situation, you never know what you would do. I was so emotionally vested in this, I could not see past the fact that I would be a horrible mother to Ian if I wasn't able to give him a sibling. But then I had to remember back to when this all began (oh, a whole 10 days ago) and remember what I told myself, I will take this one day at a time. If I look at the whole picture, it will scare the living crap out me. So, looking at today, I have to look out for my health first and foremost, get this sh*t taken care of and then we will move on with the possibility of another child. And looking at it from that prepective really helped us make the decision - I have to be the best mother to Ian right now. He will forgive me if I don't give him a sibling - he wouldn't forgive me if I didn't take care of myself.

And it was crazy, once Eric and I both said no to each other, I felt peace in my heart and knew we made the right decision.
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