Thursday, September 11, 2008

Changed forever

I received the call a little after 2:00 p.m. on September 10, 2008. "Renee, hi this is Dr. Nelson. I have your results from the biopsy. I am so sorry to tell you that it is cancer." WHAT THE FRICK??? I knew in my heart that when I had the biopsy it was going to be something but I sure didn't think it was going to be this. I mean, come on, I am THIRTY years old, have a precious baby boy, a wonderful husband, family and friends that are the best - how can I get cancer??
When I heard the words, I shut down. Thank goodness that Mary was in the office because I pretty much threw my cell phone at her and told her she had to talk.
After Mary got off of the phone, I now know that Dr. Nelson's office is making me an appointment with an oncologist and genealogist. We now have to determine what type of cancer it is and what the treatment for it will be.
Mary and Beth drove me home and waited with me until Eric got home. When I called Eric to come home I am pretty sure he already knew what I was going to tell him but actually saying the words to him was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I guess in my mind, it wasn't real until I spoke the words, "It isn't good. I have cancer." Cancer, what a crazy word. 6 letters that will change your life forever. It is an words to say in passing but when it comes to telling a loved one you have it, it doesn't come to easily.
Okay, so my number 1 on my list is done, now I have to tell the rest of my family and friends. How do I call my mom and tell her that her youngest baby has breast cancer? Do I just spit it out, do I hem and ha about it, what? Well, I think I just blurted it out pretty much as soon as she answered the phone. As always, mom was strong. She told me we have to keep our heads on straight and think clearly - I am pretty sure she was telling herself this as well as me.
After the shock from Eric and mom, I was done with the "news sharing" for awhile. Eric and I went to pick up bug (Ian - you will see him called bug a lot more!), and went to the pool for a bit. We had a great time. Ian loves the water and more so loves picking up sticks and chasing birds - which of course makes me nervous him running around with wet feet. I need to used to him making me nervous though. We then all came home, Ian ate dinner - well, I don't know if you can call it eating, more like shoveled it in at lighting speed and we all played. I told Eric I didn't/don't want to talk about anything that is going on when bug is up. We will have plenty of time in the evening to talk about it after he is in bed.
So the time has come, Ian is in bed and I have to call my sister and dad and Eric's mom. But first, we decided it was time for a frozen pizza and wine.
Now, I had to do something. The pizza was gone, we were half a bottle down and so
I start with Rachele but she wasn't home - Shayne got the news instead. I told him to have her call me back when the boys weren't around.
Then to my dad. I am pretty sure he was as shocked as I was when he heard me speak the words. He questioned of the legitness (is that a word?) of the test results - which I honestly never thought of. He was a tough one to tell. He isn't a man of many words, so hearing him tell me how sorry he was and that we will get through this and he loves me was one of the hardest ones to tell.
A little more wine down, more tears and another phone call. Rachele was calling me back. I really didn't know how to tell her. Again, I just blurted it out - I got the results and it is breast cancer. She was speechless for a while. I don't think the news really sank in for a few minutes and then to hear Landry in the back ground asking her what wrong totally broke my heart. His sweet innocent voice made me want to have that childlike innocent and not have to understand any of this shitty news myself.
One more we had to get done tonight - Eric's mom. I tried to tell her but I couldn't say it any more and I gave the phone to Eric. He had to tell her the news but again, I am pretty sure she already knew what he was going to tell her when I passed the phone to him. She is going to take on the task of telling all the rest of the family. Thank goodness.
There is still a whole list of people I have to tell. I am still not sure how to go about it all. Do I send an email - I mean, how impersonal but shit, how am I going to call everyone to tell them this? And really, do I want to say it again and again. That will be decided in a few hours. I am sure no one would appreciate me calling right now - 3:24 in the morning!
I am still not sure I have processed this all. I gets waves of tears, then just laugh about it, then a surreal feeling of what in the hell is going on and where am I?
One thing I know fore sure, you all will hear me laughing more than ever. I am going to get through this and I want to get through it with laughter. And to steal a quote from a movie, "I will crawl through a mile of shit to come out clean on the other side."
If you are reading this, I more than likely sent it to you or it was forwarded to you. But to everyone reading this, please keep me laughing.
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