So very thankful

Thanksgiving 2014

At first I thought I was going to write about how my last few Thanksgivings were really hard for me because my body wasn’t healthy.

Then I thought, I don’t want to talk about that BECAUSE this Thanksgiving I have SO much to be thankful for.

God – I see the way He works in my day to day life. I see He has always been there (even through the hardest of hard times) and He is here in my day to day life.

I am thankful I am able to share that this hope has been in my soul always…and that same hope that is in YOUR soul – even if it is a little covered up by uck at the moment…it is still there.  It will ALWAYS be there.

My soul –
I am thankful for the courage my soul has insisted on me having and showing.  I am thankful for the fighting spirit my Soul gives me in everything I do.

My family – It hasn’t just been me fighting these battles for the past 6.5 years – my whole family has been there.
I can’t imagine if the roles were reversed...if it were me watching Eric, Ian, my mom, my dad, my sister…I can’t imagine how hard it has been for them watching me go through this.  I know if it were possible, all of them would trade places with me in a heartbeat.  But to be honest, I am glad it isn’t possible, because I don’t think I could what they always do.

My friends – I throw them into my family category.

In a weird way, I am thankful for all the shit I have been through.

I have learned some really hard lessons, BUT these lessons make me who I am now.  A me I am really thankful for.

I DO believe because of my crazy cancer story, I can be an inspiration to others. 

I can show them that even when life throws mud in your face, you can somehow use that mud for the better. 

I can show them that it will take time to clean yourself off.

I can show them that it will take time to figure out how to use the mud.

I can show them that it will take time to get over being mad and appalled that this happened to you.

I can show them that it will take time to forgive whoever slung the mud…even if it was God.

All of it – it all takes time.

And that is ok.

I am thankful I have the time to figure all this out.

I am thankful that I found my voice.

I am thankful I have found my place in the world.

I am thankful I kept getting back up (yes, even if a few of those times I was forced up my Eric and my mom).

I am thankful me saying no, wasn’t really a possibility – even if it sounded like a good idea one day – the next day I knew what had to be done.

I am thankful.

I am so very thankful.

The me

I love going through my “work in progress” folder and seeing what I didn’t finish.

Well, let me rephrase – I don’t like seeing what I didn’t finish, BUT it is “nice” to see what I was thinking at a certain time.

This partial post below was from about a month or so ago.


"I have been short on writing topics these past weeks.

Well, that isn’t true…isn’t true in the least bit.

I have had too many thing swirling in my head and haven’t been able to focus on only one. Instead of pushing through it, I lay down in bed with the feeling of being overwhelmed and let it slowly seep into me.

I really don’t like this about me.

I am going to start talking to my therapist again today to talk about daily practices I can employee to make me feel more in control.

Yesterday I did a mind dump on every last thing I want to get done…there is a lot.

This is where the problems happen. 

I look at that the list and freeze. 

I freeze in fear that there is no way I will have the energy to get it all done.

I freeze in fear that if by chance I do get it done, then what?

I freeze at the possibility of the unknown.  

But then when I really think about it, I know it is all unknown.

This thought can go one of two ways: make me spiral even more, OR make me say screw it, get up and shake it off.

I used to be SO good at the latter…saying screw it and moving on. Not caring what obstacle was maybe, possibly going to come up next."

 

Finishing my thoughts on this post as of today November 22, 2014:

I have really been focusing on how to get back to my shake it off the place of, “it is what it is, so I let it be.”

There are SO many things I know I don’t have control of:

the way others act towards me, the way others act towards others, the weather, if my computer works or not, if my car will start in the morning, traffic, how others are driving, if Lucy decides it is a good day to be a whacko, if the people working at FedEx will be quick – and these are just a tiny drop in the bucket of what I don’t have control of.

I am slowly relearning how to accept this fact of life.

I don’t know when or how I lost that about me. I think all this cancer crap made me feel I had no control over anything, so I held on to what I thought I could control?

But here is point – I am tired of psychoanalyzing it.

I am going back to my old me:

Truly and deeply KNOW it is ok…no matter what, it is still good

The me who went with the flow of life…not fighting to get back up stream

The me who would ask for things and NOT caring if someone said no…it is JUST a word

The me who is just in love with life

My then verses my now

Day to day

2004

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday was the same song and dance – week after week.

The alarm started beeping at me earlier than I thought it should.

The beep from hell.

BEEP BEEP BEEP – it blared in my ear.

Ugh I couldn't help thinking to myself as I slowly roll out of bed resenting the fact that I once again had to get up earlier than I felt like.

Resenting the fact that I didn’t know what I was going to wear because nothing seemed to fit right after those 10 pounds I gained.

With heavy feet, I would stumble into the bathroom to start the water for my shower.  All I could think about is how nice going back to bed would be.

The pounding water wakes me up a bit while I day dream about Happy Hour after work with my friends.

It was the looking forward to Happy Hour that got me through the day.

The day was full of spreadsheets, listening to people complain that something wasn’t working just right, emails to try to fix problems from the comfort of my office verses going to talk to someone in person.

At straight up 5:00, I pushed my forward button on my phone and I couldn’t wait to see what was around the next corner because I was over what on this side of the corner.

It was poker night with my girls and I was ready for friend time.

It was the same every time, but this same never got old.

All six of us girls showed up, with wine and cash in hand ready for the night ahead.

After the first cork was popped, there was no stopping us.

We talked about our weeks, laughed, helped each other with life problems, talked and laughed more, and soaked up every minute of our time together.

10:00 would roll around too quick.

We would then have to decide if we were all in, or if we were out.

Sometimes we would all stay the night. Even with too many bottles of wine in us, we knew what we needed to do.

The next day was the same song and dance as the day before, only with a slight headache and puffy eyes.

2014

Nothing seems to stay the same from day to day.

I miss those days when I knew what was around the next corner.

At the beginning of 2014, I couldn’t even plan what time I would get up the next morning, get because I was exhausted all the time.

Some nights I would sleep 14 hours straight, some nights I couldn’t sleep at all.

I had narcosis growing in my brain again, and I never knew when a depilating headache would strike.

I lived in fear of what was going to happen next.

August, 2014 I am still No Evidence of Disease!

I did walking lunges at PT today while he kicked my ass with new stability exercises.

I drove to FedEx to mail my artwork to a best friend.

I played with Ian.

I sold stuff on-line to raise money for a friend.

November, 2014

My book is being printed!

My artwork is taking off!

I have ventured to the new Whole Foods…this is a BIG deal to me!

I went to the career fair at my son’s school to tell them what an artist does all day. I was SO honored to be asked to be there.

I used to be obsessed with what I could no longer do.

In these past few months I have really been focusing on what I CAN now do that I couldn’t even 6 months ago.

Walk by myself
Drive
Be with Ian after school
Write
Paint
Exercise
Just be...be happy to be where I am

 

I am now learning it is the day to day stuff that makes us who we are.  I have spent too much time longing for the next part of my life to get here when all I am really doing is missing what is happening in the now.

A missed appointment

A missed appointment

To date, I have only missed two chemo appointments ever in my 6.5 year “career” as Texas Oncology.

I missed the first one because I was in the hospital with steroid psychosis…I guess a nice way of saying a slight nervous breakdown?!?

The second missed appointment was just 2 weeks ago.

I missed it because I had the wrong day written.

When I finally made it in a week later, Dr. H joked with me saying she didn’t know if I was on some whirlwind book tour or what.

My nurse, who has also become a great friend, told me at first everyone was worried I missed until she told them that she had texted me and I just had the wrong day down.

It made me really see how far I have come.

I used to base my life around my appointments. I would check and double check to make sure I had them all down correctly.

If this missed appointment had happened a year ago, I guarantee calls to Eric would have been made to check on me…not just a friendly where in the h*ll are you text!

It feels great to be in this place again.

I honestly never thought I would get back to this place…but here I am!!

I am thankful for it every day.

The world doesn’t stop

The world doesn’t stop

I cleaned out my email today and noticed the junk mail from Dec 2013 – April 2014.

Apparently, I never checked my mail those months?

Those aren't the only a set of months I have lost from cancer.

Lost in time.
Never to be given back to me.

I don’t remember anything from last Christmas or April, 2014 due to narcosis growing in brain.
All I remember is how bad my head hurt all the time, and how little energy I had.  I was sleeping 12-15 hours a day during the worst parts of it.

I have other random blocks of time missing from my memory due to either or all: chemo, surgery, radiation, steroids, narcosis or depression.

I don’t know if my brain doesn’t let me see these times in order to protect me in my now?

I don’t know if my brain actually doesn’t remember these times?

Either way...it doesn’t matter.

But what I do know from all these times, is that all these times that I don’t remember, the world kept going.

I guess it had to?!

Best friends had babies, friends got married/divorced, new businesses opened and/or closed, neighbors came, neighbors left, friend's cancer got better or worse, and so much more.

I look around at all that has happened and I wonder where I was in the midst of it all?

I wonder if this is how Alice felt in Wonderland?
I will never really know, but I will still wonder just the same.

Explination

There is never an easy way to explain to your child that someone they know passed away.
That they will never see that person in physical form again here on earth.

In our small family of 3, we believe when you die, you go to your forever home with God…no matter what, you are and always will be a child of God.

It is a great concept for your heart, but explaining  it to a 7 year old who wants only the tangible facts is so, so hard.

I learned on Friday one of Ian’s best friends, had a parent commit suicide.

I stood there dumbfounded as the father was telling me this – telling me his wife was dead due to her own hand.
It took my breathe away as I tried to comprehend what was happening.
It broke my heart into tiny pieces as I silently prayed for them all.

Once I got home, I wept – I wept for them, for others, for so much.

I couldn’t help but think about me; about my bouts of depression; about watching my world shatter before my eyes and then falling out from below my feet...more times than I can even really remember being as I have blocked a lot of those memories out.

I felt selfish thinking about me in a time like this; but the thoughts just flooded me.
I don’t know.

I don’t know what is I like to lose ALL hope.
I DO know what it is like to think death would be easier than my current state.
But even in those darkest hours, I somehow still had a sound mind that held on to hope.

Eric and I told Ian while driving home from my mom’s on Sunday.  We told him X’s mom passes away, and X is going to really need Ian to be a good friend. 
Right on cue, Ian asked how.
Eric tried to skirt the question but that only led to Ian knowing there was more to the story.
So I did it.

I said a little prayer to ask for help and I did it…I told him in the best why I knew how…I told him she took her own life.

I said, babe, his mom was sick, BUT not sick like mommy is sick.  Her body doesn’t have cancer. Her heart hurt, she was really sad, and she lost any glimpse of hope she ever had. She decided she was tired of her life here on earth and wanted to be with God.

He asked if his friend was ok. 
I said yes baby, his heart is really sad, but he will be ok.

I cried the whole time. 
Eric stayed on course.
Ian let me hold onto his leg through the whole talk and the whole way home.
Then we were quiet and let it all settle in and got ready for the next steps.

 

This isn’t about your feelings on suicide because honestly, I don’t care what your thoughts on it are…so please, don’t even go down that road with me in the comments.

Panic Attacks

Panic attack

I remember the first panic attack I ever had.

I was 25, exhausted from doing too much and I snapped like a rubber band pulled too tight.
I didn’t know it then that it was a panic attack, but I know it now.
And I say the first one, but there might have been many, many more that I didn’t know to classify them as panic attacks.
Who really can 100% classify them as panic attacks?

I remember the first time Eric ever told me he thought I was having a panic attack – it was after my first brain surgery and radiation; my head was still killing me; I felt nauseous all the time – like I was motion sick; and the panic set it…all I could think about was my brain growing another tumor.

I felt so panicked, I started dry heaving.

Crying uncontrollably just thinking of possibility of another tumor.

I guess I can add that to my list of sucks – panic attaches.

Some are worse than others. 

Sometimes I feel like I am going to throw up – I end up dry heaving so much I wake up with sore ab muscles the next day.

Sometimes I just meltdown in every way possible.  I feel like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum for reasons unknown to on-lookers – but the fact it, the reason I am melting down in unknown to me too.
Sometimes I just freeze – my brain can’t process what needs to be down next.
Sometimes I just feel like if I could crawl in bed it would all be ok...but I know that doesn’t make it all ok.

I had one last weekend –a panic attack.

I hadn’t had one in quite some time, so it really took me by surprise and shook me up.

Me and mom were out at the Domain to shop around a little before meeting Eric’s sister and family for dinner.
I was already tired and looking back I know I knew better than to try to do this.
It was PACKED there.
As soon as I got one look at the crowd, I felt the panic raising my me.
Even before we stepped into the crowd, I felt my brain telling me not to go – I didn’t listen.
We walked over to the restaurant to put our name on the waitlist for dinner, and I couldn’t even go into the restaurant.
I stood outside trying to breath the panic away.
Trying to tell myself it was good that I brought my cane to help me navigate my way.
Telling myself no one really noticed at 30 something year old woman walking with a cane.
Mom came to tell me it was going to be over a 2 hour wait and I cracked…I stood there and cried. 
I felt frozen in time as the world buzzed by leaving me behind.
A few minutes later, mom got me to a close by table.  I sat with my back to the crowd and just focused on her.
I was able to get back to my good place soon enough.
I just wish I didn’t have to know how to get back to my good place.

 

I try to talk myself out of it. 
I try to tell myself to breath.
I try to remember to ask for help – from God and those around me.
I try not to let the world close in around me.
I try to get up and walk it off.
I try.
Sometimes it works.
Sometimes it doesn’t.

Brain Report

I don't know why, it is easy for me to forget to write the good stuff.  I need/want to bask in the good stuff.
I had at appointment with Groves on Thursday - he is my brain oncologist...not many people even know what this it...that is a good thing!

He looked at my scans, looked at me and gave me a huge smile.

Things look just the same as they did last time.
In my case, that is a GREAT thing to hear!
He talked a second about lowering my chemo frequency, but I freaked out a bit.
He told me at some point, we will have to take me off something...see how things are and then maybe take me off more.
This is great news, but scary too.

I have been at a great place before.
That great place turned dark...quick.

I TRY not to go to a scary place in my head, but sometimes it just goes there.

I pray that God takes all these crazy thoughts from me and I trust Him to hold my hand through whatever.