Explination

There is never an easy way to explain to your child that someone they know passed away.
That they will never see that person in physical form again here on earth.

In our small family of 3, we believe when you die, you go to your forever home with God…no matter what, you are and always will be a child of God.

It is a great concept for your heart, but explaining  it to a 7 year old who wants only the tangible facts is so, so hard.

I learned on Friday one of Ian’s best friends, had a parent commit suicide.

I stood there dumbfounded as the father was telling me this – telling me his wife was dead due to her own hand.
It took my breathe away as I tried to comprehend what was happening.
It broke my heart into tiny pieces as I silently prayed for them all.

Once I got home, I wept – I wept for them, for others, for so much.

I couldn’t help but think about me; about my bouts of depression; about watching my world shatter before my eyes and then falling out from below my feet...more times than I can even really remember being as I have blocked a lot of those memories out.

I felt selfish thinking about me in a time like this; but the thoughts just flooded me.
I don’t know.

I don’t know what is I like to lose ALL hope.
I DO know what it is like to think death would be easier than my current state.
But even in those darkest hours, I somehow still had a sound mind that held on to hope.

Eric and I told Ian while driving home from my mom’s on Sunday.  We told him X’s mom passes away, and X is going to really need Ian to be a good friend. 
Right on cue, Ian asked how.
Eric tried to skirt the question but that only led to Ian knowing there was more to the story.
So I did it.

I said a little prayer to ask for help and I did it…I told him in the best why I knew how…I told him she took her own life.

I said, babe, his mom was sick, BUT not sick like mommy is sick.  Her body doesn’t have cancer. Her heart hurt, she was really sad, and she lost any glimpse of hope she ever had. She decided she was tired of her life here on earth and wanted to be with God.

He asked if his friend was ok. 
I said yes baby, his heart is really sad, but he will be ok.

I cried the whole time. 
Eric stayed on course.
Ian let me hold onto his leg through the whole talk and the whole way home.
Then we were quiet and let it all settle in and got ready for the next steps.

 

This isn’t about your feelings on suicide because honestly, I don’t care what your thoughts on it are…so please, don’t even go down that road with me in the comments.