Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Panic Attacks

Panic attack

I remember the first panic attack I ever had.
I was 25, exhausted from doing too much and I snapped like a rubber band pulled too tight.
I didn’t know it then that it was a panic attack, but I know it now.
And I say the first one, but there might have been many, many more that I didn’t know to classify them as panic attacks.
Who really can 100% classify them as panic attacks?

I remember the first time Eric ever told me he thought I was having a panic attack – it was after my first brain surgery and radiation; my head was still killing me; I felt nauseous all the time – like I was motion sick; and the panic set it…all I could think about was my brain growing another tumor.
I felt so panicked, I started dry heaving.
Crying uncontrollably just thinking of possibility of another tumor.

I guess I can add that to my list of sucks – panic attaches.

Some are worse than others. 
Sometimes I feel like I am going to throw up – I end up dry heaving so much I wake up with sore ab muscles the next day.
Sometimes I just meltdown in every way possible.  I feel like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum for reasons unknown to on-lookers – but the fact it, the reason I am melting down in unknown to me too.
Sometimes I just freeze – my brain can’t process what needs to be down next.
Sometimes I just feel like if I could crawl in bed it would all be ok...but I know that doesn’t make it all ok.

I had one last weekend –a panic attack.
I hadn’t had one in quite some time, so it really took me by surprise and shook me up.
Me and mom were out at the Domain to shop around a little before meeting Eric’s sister and family for dinner.
I was already tired and looking back I know I knew better than to try to do this.
It was PACKED there.
As soon as I got one look at the crowd, I felt the panic raising my me.
Even before we stepped into the crowd, I felt my brain telling me not to go – I didn’t listen.
We walked over to the restaurant to put our name on the waitlist for dinner, and I couldn’t even go into the restaurant.
I stood outside trying to breath the panic away.
Trying to tell myself it was good that I brought my cane to help me navigate my way.
Telling myself no one really noticed at 30 something year old woman walking with a cane.
Mom came to tell me it was going to be over a 2 hour wait and I cracked…I stood there and cried. 
I felt frozen in time as the world buzzed by leaving me behind.
A few minutes later, mom got me to a close by table.  I sat with my back to the crowd and just focused on her.
I was able to get back to my good place soon enough.
I just wish I didn’t have to know how to get back to my good place.

I try to talk myself out of it. 
I try to tell myself to breath.
I try to remember to ask for help – from God and those around me.
I try not to let the world close in around me.
I try to get up and walk it off.
I try.
Sometimes it works.
Sometimes it doesn’t.
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