Saturday, November 22, 2014

The me

I love going through my “work in progress” folder and seeing what I didn’t finish.
Well, let me rephrase – I don’t like seeing what I didn’t finish, BUT it is “nice” to see what I was thinking at a certain time.

This partial post below was from about a month or so ago.

"I have been short on writing topics these past weeks.

Well, that isn’t true…isn’t true in the least bit.

I have had too many thing swirling in my head and haven’t been able to focus on only one. Instead of pushing through it, I lay down in bed with the feeling of being overwhelmed and let it slowly seep into me.

I really don’t like this about me.

I am going to start talking to my therapist again today to talk about daily practices I can employee to make me feel more in control.

Yesterday I did a mind dump on every last thing I want to get done…there is a lot.

This is where the problems happen. 

I look at that the list and freeze. 

I freeze in fear that there is no way I will have the energy to get it all done.

I freeze in fear that if by chance I do get it done, then what?

I freeze at the possibility of the unknown.  

But then when I really think about it, I know it is all unknown.

This thought can go one of two ways: make me spiral even more, OR make me say screw it, get up and shake it off.

I used to be SO good at the latter…saying screw it and moving on. Not caring what obstacle was maybe, possibly going to come up next."


Finishing my thoughts on this post as of today November 22, 2014:

I have really been focusing on how to get back to my shake it off the place of, “it is what it is, so I let it be.”

There are SO many things I know I don’t have control of:

the way others act towards me, the way others act towards others, the weather, if my computer works or not, if my car will start in the morning, traffic, how others are driving, if Lucy decides it is a good day to be a whacko, if the people working at FedEx will be quick – and these are just a tiny drop in the bucket of what I don’t have control of.

I am slowly relearning how to accept this fact of life.

I don’t know when or how I lost that about me. I think all this cancer crap made me feel I had no control over anything, so I held on to what I thought I could control?

But here is point – I am tired of psychoanalyzing it.

I am going back to my old me:

Truly and deeply KNOW it is ok…no matter what, it is still good

The me who went with the flow of life…not fighting to get back up stream

The me who would ask for things and NOT caring if someone said no…it is JUST a word

The me who is just in love with life
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