Renee In Canerland book snippet

March, 2011

Loving What Is -

After visiting with my pastor a few weeks ago he recommended I read a book called “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie.  http://www.thework.com/index.php

It is a very interesting book and has really solidified my belief in my thought of, it is what it is.
She says in the book there are three types of business: your own business, someone else’s business or God’s business.

When you are in someone else’s business you cannot be totally whole and present in your own business. Example: you are all up in a friend’s business in what your friend shouldn’t have done in some situation – none of your business. You can’t be present in your own business if you are raped up in someone else’s business.

I am looking at my health as God’s business.
It is His to take control of, it His to do with what He needs to do, it is His – not mine.

One of my best friends told me today at the gym that she is doesn’t understand how I am handling this so well.

In my mind, there is nothing for me to handle.
Yes it sucks big time that I will be in chemo for maybe 10 months or maybe 10 years.
At this point I don’t know.
But I do know that no amount of worry, no amount of “what if” scenarios played out in my mind, no amount of anything but putting one foot in front of the other will help me right now.
Now, don’t get me wrong.

I have major breakdowns, I get pissed, I really want to beat up a fax machine with a baseball bat and listen to “Damn it feels good to be gangster” (little Office reference if you didn’t get it).

I do give myself a few minutes daily. Not a few hours, not a few days only a few minutes of my pissed pity party and then I have to gather myself again and move on.

I had one of those today when I was trying to decide what day I should have chemo. I just needed to know what days after chemo I would feel my worst, and no one could seem to tell me. I was mad.

Someone just tell me something so I can know what to do.

After talking to a great friend who also works at Tx oncology I got my answer . She asked the pharmacist and according to him 90% of people just feel really worn down but not down and out like I was last time.

Eric did a little more research and I am thinking I will feel like I have a cold. No one day seems to be worse than another. That is what I needed to know. I just needed some facts.
If all goes as planned my first chemo day will be this Friday at 10 a.m.
“Life is full of ups and downs. The trick is to enjoy the ups and have courage during the downs.” ~ Anonymous

Feathers from Angels

Feathers from Angels

I have been trying to take notice of the little things around me – the little things that have always been there but sometimes I was too preoccupied with myself to notice.

Too preoccupied with what I was worrying about.

Too preoccupied with what I thought others were thinking.

Too preoccupied comparing myself to myself of the past – the me who could do so much more.

I took a class on how to hear your angels – as I believe God gives us all angels to be with us all the time. And no, I don’t think it is because God can’t do it all, it is because He has people with Him who are born to help others. And they still want to help others no matter if they are on earth or not.

From this class, so much came rushing back to me – so many memories that I had forgotten about:

Times where there is NO explanation of how it worked out so beautifully.

Times where I follow that feeling of guidance and it leads me to a magical place.

Times where I cry out for help only to look around and see He has already sent help.

With all my prayer work lately, I have felt the nudge to call for help in all I do. And I mead ALL. Even the tiny things that seem to not matter.

From this, I have been noticing magic all around me. Call it what you would like – I call it friendship from above. Like God is our father sending out an older sibling to watch me and make sure I am ok.

I now see fresh fluffy feathers all throughout the day.

When I wake up, there is a feather in the restroom.

When I leave the house, there is a feather on the front doorstep.

When I get in the car, there is a feather on my windshield.

With these little tokens from above, I tell God thank for sending Angels.

I tell the Angels thank you for being with me.

Do you have any angel stories? I would LOVE to hear them – I love talking about angels.

PET scan and MRI results

So sorry I forgot to post the results here.

I am still NED (no evidence of disease) in my body!!!!
There was a slight change in my brain MRI BUT Dr. H thinks it is due to the Avastin (the narcosis eating chemo). I go see Dr. G (brain oncologist) on the 8th.

My guess is all is well since no one has called to change my appointment - if something was bad they would move my appointment up.
SO, we will go with the nothing new assumption for now!

Clint Black

Eric and I have been invited to go see Clint Black this coming Sunday at the Oasis on Lake Travis. This is the event I was asked to speak at last year and feel in love with the idea of speaking to others about my journey in Cancerland.

If you are in Austin area, there are still some tickets left.

In my mind this is a chance of a life time to see him - there will only by 500 seats available. I can't wait!
Now I just have to find something to wear?!?! I can't wear any cute cowboy boots because of my foot without feeling, BUT I will find something!

http://www.forheartssake.org/
Check it out.

Renee In Canerland book snippet

My heart’s song – April 16, 2009

I have tried to put this into words for a long time, but I just couldn’t make it make sense.  I feel I have to try again because something is telling me this is so very important.

 

I watched an Oprah the other day and she talked about finding your heart’s song.

What is it that makes your heart sing?

What makes your world go around?
When money is set aside, what would you choose to do with your life?
How would you help others?
How would you make this world a better place to live?

It is a hard question to answer because it is scary to take money out of the equation, but one huge thing I have realized through this journey, money does not and cannot make me happy.

Yes, it makes life easier, but easy and happy are two totally different things.

I did something yesterday that I believe is taking me one step closer to my heart’s song. I told Mary that I wouldn’t be returning to work after I am done with all the treatments.

After a lot of praying and many talks with Eric, I decided my heart wasn’t/wouldn’t be in it.

I have to be true to my heart.

Now, what is my heart’s song? I am not 100% sure but I think I am getting closer to figuring it out.

I know a huge piece of it is Ian. I don’t know if we will get another baby, and I look at Ian and realize how fast time really goes. He is almost 2 years old and these first 2 years have flown by.

I want to take every moment and be able to bottle it up as a memory.

I want to leave my footprint on the world.
I want to help people show their love to and for others.
I want to show my love for others and so much more.
I have a lot I want to do. Now, I just need to figure out how to start.


It is fun reading through these old posts to realize that somewhere along the way, I did start following my Heart's song. And this Song I am now living is amazingly beautiful.

For a reason

I had a PET scan and MRI scheduled today for about 2 weeks now.

They were scheduled to be back to back because doing multiple times is a pain in the ass. But I got a call yesterday asking me if I would mind if they pushed my PET to an hour later.

I said sure, no problem. I knew I would be starving, but other than not being able to eat, I had nothing else going on today.

After my MRI, I went to another waiting area to wait for my PET scan.

I had all my sh*t spread out as usual because I was planning on camping out there to work on Renee In Cancerland stuff.

My plans changed quickly as soon as I watched a scared mother walk in with her daughter to sit and wait also.

I heard that famous whisper talking to my heart and I did what it told me to do - even at the sake of looking like a crazy person - nothing too new to me!
My heart told me to talk to them.
So I walked over, pulled up a chair, asked them if I could sit.
I asked them what was going on.
The mom told me her daughter was there for a PET scan, that she was just diagnosed and a PET is the first step to see if the cancer is else where.
I reached out to hold their hands.
I looked at her and her daughter in the eyes and told them that this sucks. Plan and simple, this sucks. Then I explained a little of my story - because lets me honest, no one who is just diagnosed really wants to hear all my crap.
I told her it is ok to be scared, it is ok to be pissed, it is ok to not want to be brave, it is ok to want to run and hide...all that is ok.
BUT then you have to look up at whatever it is, look it in the eyes and tell it to eat shit.
They laughed.
It made my heart happy.

She was called back before me, so I sat out in the waiting area. I was talking with the lady at the front desk and she said thank you to me for what I did for them.
She told me that she sees so many people who wouldn't have taken those unknown steps, and she was grateful I was there and I did.

I left all my contact info with her and asked her to give it to her mother on their way out. I asked her to PLEASE tell the mom to call me because I am serious about talking to her and her daughter...it wasn't just an empty offer.

Then I was called back to get injected with my nuclear sugar water. The mom and daughter were back there waiting for her PET to start.
She wanted to take a picture with me.
I was honored.
Then Fred told me I had to stop roaming around and go sit down to let my nuclear stuff do what it needed to.

I left there feeling good.
I left there knowing God had changed my appointment so I could be there for them.
I left there with a little pep in my step knowing it really did matter - it really did help them.

My Bible verse from this morning was:
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
Proverbs 4:23

Book snipet

From my upcoming book, Renee In Cancerland:

The odds – September 21, 2008

I would like to think I don't live completely by the odds, but I guess to some extent I do.

What are the odds it will rain today?

What are the odds I will make it to work on time if I leave 5 minutes late?

What are the odds I will win the lottery today (not very good!). After looking into our hearts, thinking every possible scenario through inside and out, deciding where I stood ethically, I looked at our odds.

We are going with the odds in my favor. 80% chance of me regaining normal periods after chemo is finished and 100% faith in God and our decision.

We decided against the harvesting process for so many reasons. My biggest reason for saying no to it is the fact I have no idea when life actually does begin. I know there are scientists out there that say the embryo isn't "alive" until it producing blood on its own (or something like that - science really isn't my strong suit) and most religions believe it begins as early as the sperm meets the egg.

No one really knows and we never will, but I want to do the right thing by me and the would have been possible embryos.

I just can't imagine if life does begin at the embryo state, me having something to do with freezing however many embryos for however long - possibly forever.



Look for more book snippets.
As always, if you know someone who could benefit from reading my story, please pass this along to them. I do feel I am here to help others get through tough times.

A messy puddle

Man oh man, I am ready for summer to be over.

It is flipping hot here and me + hot = beat down Renee.

When I get beat down, I crumble.

I crumble too easily.

I crumbled this weekend.

I am not really sure why, but I did.

I crumbled into puddle.

That puddle led  me to a panic attack, that led to guilt, that led to uck.

I am tired of crumbling.

I do wonder if I will ever stop crumbling or if I will continue to crumble but learn how to deal with it?

Next steps

I feel like I need a direction – a direction to row my boat towards instead of rowing around in circles.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been rowing along very nicely lately, but I feel it is time for me to take it to the next level.

And I am not sure how to get there.

I guess I need to figure out what it is that I want with the next steps.

I have never been good at breaking things down into manageable sized tasks. I look at the big picture, get overwhelmed and want to run and hide.

But I don’t want to do that now. Does that mean I have grown? Who knows, but I won’t lie – it does feel good.

Big goals:

                Walk again – check

                Mental health – on going but check for now!

                Body health – on going

                                Pilates  

                                Yoga

                                Bike

                Book

                                First draft – check

                                Prof Read – check – it is with my friend Trish who is a publisher

                                                Next steps – whatever Trish tells me to do!

                YouTube Channel

                                Get at least 8-10 videos made before I really launch it – working on it!

                                                Get the word out about YouTube channel

                Blog

                                Get more readers…how??

                Speaking to others

                                Get speaking engagements

Art

                Make 8 canvases for PTA to auction off

                Cancer girls

                6X6

                                Love, Hope, Dream, Be You, ect

                Get someone to help me ship sold art

Ok looking at it like this doesn’t really help me…I have a lot of things I want to do.

This is where I panic – where in the world am I supposed to start with all this??

If you have any ideas, I am ALL ears.

Revisting the past

I am showing old videos to get ready for my new ones.
I have rewatched this so many times and still cry.





Please share. I think this could help others in all areas.

Letter to Ian

Dear Ian – 7 years old

Oh my sweet little guy.

You aren’t so little anymore.

You are the tallest in your class and nobody believes me when I tell them you are not 8 or 9.

You have grown up so much this past year.

You loved Kindergarten, won the Excellent Award for being a great listener, helper and classmate. We are so proud to see you growing into a caring human being.

Anytime we see anyone in need, you want to know what you can do to help. You ask me to stop at every homeless person we see to give them money. You question why people are mean to others. You question why others lie.

Your heart is honest and pure.

Me and daddy tell you that even when others are mean or lie, you need to love them anyway because we don’t know what is happening in their life that we don’t see.  You 100% take that to heart. You tell me if someone was mean to someone else at school or camp that you hope they are both ok.

You are truly a beacon of light in this world.

We got Lucy this year. You love to lay in her bed with her and let her lick your face. She is still a little nippy, so you are still learning how to play fetch with her.

You are developing your own unique sense of humor. You are very dry and matter of fact with what you say, but the grin on your face makes everyone laugh.

You still love to make me and daddy laugh.

You love anything to do with science, you want to read non-fiction fact books about dinosaurs and rocks, you have figured out how to win big at Chucky Cheese with BeBe’s help in counting when the wheel will stop on the grand prize – you and BeBe have people ask for help in winning the jackpot all the time when we are there.

You went to summer camp in the neighborhood this summer and had a great time. You also went to Lego camp and have become a great builder.

You still love Pokemon and love your collection of them.

I love you more than words could ever explain. You have a piece of my heart that makes me, you and daddy a complete whole.

I love you so much

 

Reliving the past...

We were walking into Party City tonight to look for birthday décor for Ian.

Out of nowhere, Ian told me about the last time we went there. The first time mommy hurt her head, he said.

It all came flooding back way too easily. I remember every detail of that day. Another day my life would forever be changed…once again.

The post below was from September 1, 2012…almost 2 years ago.

 

SO…

I have tried to come up with witty titles and well, the only one I am able to think of is:

Third time is a charm?!?!

 

Yesterday was a day like no other. Ian and I were running errands and after our stop at Pier One, we were walking down the stairs to go Party City to start looking at Halloween stuff…because you know…why wouldn’t we start looking and thinking about Halloween costumes two months in advance?!?!

Exactly.

While walking down the stairs my right side kind of went numb – not all the way numb but for me to get it to work, I had to think the thought – “move right hand” over and over to get it to move.

I called Eric right away because I was thinking driving wasn’t the best idea! Then Eric and I thought it might be from low blood sugar, so we went to get some lunch. At lunch, the numbness got worse and my right foot was heavy…I could still move it, but it was heavy and weird.

I called Dr. H and she said go to ER...YIKES that freaked me out.

Got to ER, Dr. H had already called, so we were able to go right back..hey, I guess having an oncologist that rocks has its perks?!

Eric left me there and took Ian over to Teri’s because we had no idea how long we would be there and let’s just say, a 5 year old + ER doesn’t equal happiness.

They did an immediate EKG then Dr. H ordered an MRI.

Waited for the MRI results…

ER doctor came in to give us the news…definitely NOT what we were expecting.

ER doctor told me that there is a mass in my brain.

Not sure why, but every time I get new cancer news, I expect the doctor to pause and say, “Just Kidding…you are good to go…get on out of here.”

I waited for it…for him to say those next few lines…

He didn’t.

So me and Eric did what we do – we hug, we cry, we say it sucks, we hug some more – then we shake it off, pull on our brave pants and ask what comes next…where do we go from here?

The neurosurgeon came in to talk to us (I thought he was at the hospital and just stopped by, but come to find out from Dr. H this morning, she called him yesterday and asked him to stop by to talk to us) score 14,857 for Dr. H being awesome!

He showed us the MRI and the mass is on the back of my brain. It is about the size of an egg  and mostly liquid.

As far as having a mass on the brain goes, this one is in a REALLY good place – it isn’t in a place that could affect memory, speech, personality, body movement, etc. 

Gina told me they better not take the crazy out of me…don’t worry…I will still be me…just without a piece of my brain.

Next steps: PET scan on Tuesday or Wednesday; consult with brain Dr; surgery on Thursday or Friday.

In the meantime, mom and Tammy are flying in today. Rachele and dad will be here for surgery. Eric’s parents want to come also, but I think we will have them wait a few weeks.

Dr. H called to touch base with me this morning. She said if I was to have to get another tumor, this is the best place to get one – it can be cut out, radiated and good to go.  She laughed and said it sounds weird, but more than anything this is just a major inconvenience – which I say all the time…cancer is just one big pain in my ass.

If you are the praying type – will you please pray a few things:

 

 ~ Dr. H gets approval for me to stay on BSI (trial drug – they MIGHT see this as me being not NED, but she said that is stupid because systemically, I am NED.  None of the chemo drugs I have had can cross the blood brain barrier…therefore; there has been no way for any drugs to get to my brain.)

 

~ Surgery is easy and I don’t miss any of my brain

 

~ PET shows no evidence of disease

I know Eric & I have the strength and grace to make it through this bump in the road.

We are faithful that God is good and He does have a bigger plan for us.

Does that make it suck any less…no, it still sucks, but it will be ok. 

I still feel that I have a long life ahead of me. I still feel like I will be here to help Ian grow up into an amazing man, to love and support Eric, to make my friends laugh, to simmer my mom and sister down, to paint to the world, to write a book…to laugh and love.

Art for a cause

Always said that I want to always help those in need because so many people have helped me in need throughout all these years.

A lifelong friend of mine needs help paying dental bills for her foster kids.

I will be posting these pictures for y'all to bid on... Like an auction.

Please visit my Facebook page at ReneeInCancerland