Thanksgiving

This is the time of year everyone looks at their lives and really can see what they are thankful for. I have so much to be thankful this year. From the outside looking in, someone might ask how a woman who was diagnosed with breast cancer at such a young age can say she has so much to be thankful for. In my mind, I think, how can I not be thankful?

Honestly, I would much rather have been diagnosed at 30 verses any older for many reasons. The biggest is, this has shown me how precious life is and how I have to take hold of every day, heck every moment and live…just live. Enjoy every person in my life, every blessing, everything about it. I now know how I am going to help others in a situation like mine and I have my whole life ahead of me to do so. I don’t know if my age has anything to do with it, but something has made chemo not near as awful as I have heard it would be. And for that alone, I am eternally grateful.

One other event I have to be so thankful for this is my results of my ultrasound. Bill is dieing and I couldn’t be happier. When I first had my ultrasound in September, the tumor was 1.6X1.5X1.7 and on Wednesday, it was 1.0X.07X.011. The tech, who preformed my first ultrasound told me she remembered the first one this one is not as “black and scary” as it was. So, I just have to remember all this chemo and feeling blah is so worth that.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope everyone reading this has as many blessings in your life to be as thankful for as I have in mine.

OH MY

I have actually questioned why I have been so incredibly blessed when it comes to my side-effects of the chemo. I honestly don’t know if it has been my attitude, my otherwise overall health or what? But one side-effect that is in full swing is CHEMO BRAIN!

There are some days I can’t think of the simplest words, if I don’t write something down on my list, it is gone for good and the worst of it happened yesterday – I put Ian’s shoes on the wrong the feet and didn’t even realize it until Eric said to me – um, Nay, bug’s shoes are on the wrong feet. For all those mommies out there, think of pregnancy brain but a ton worse. When I was pregnant, I could still think of words and felt like I could carry on a conversation, but now I feel like when I talk (if I want to make sense) I speak very slowly and really have to think about what I am saying (hey, I can that isn’t such a bad thing!)

I am feeling pretty run down this morning. Eric just got over having a cold, Ian is coughing now and I have a little cough. I plan on taking it super easy until I feel better because getting sick is the last thing I want or need. I have to feel better this weekend so we can decorate for Christmas – I am so excited!!!!!

Ian

Chemo Chronicle #4

Yeah, in about an hour, I will be halfway done with my chemo treatments. I have the remaining 4 scheduled as well as an ultrasound. We need proof of what we think is true – the lump is almost gone. I saw my Dr. today and was ecstatic when she was examining me and she had to ask if she was examining the correct breast because she couldn’t feel anything – nothing!!!!!!!!

We discussed my surgery options and I THINK I have decided to do a lumpectomy. My reasons behind this are – if I am able to have another child, I would like to option to breast feed, having a mastectomy only reduces my chances of reoccurrence of breast cancer – I can still get cancer again somewhere else in my body and the chances of reoccurrence in my breast is less than 7% without a mastectomy, if I change my mind in the future and don’t feel comfortable with my breasts, I can have a mastectomy.

When I do the lumpectomy, I will have to have limp nods removed also to ensure the cancer is not elsewhere in the ole body. I will then have to follow that up with radiation treatments but she said those are a breeze compared to chemo.

Back to the kid bit – I have in no way shape or form given up hope of having another little bug or bugget. I know in my heart Eric and I will have another child or heck maybe two! I will have to have my periods return and be cancer free for a whole year before we get the green light on trying again. She said she has had some patients whose periods returned pretty quickly after finishing chemo. So, I am praying that will be the case with me as well. Ha, I never thought I would be so happy to have my period!!

Other than this great bit of news, not a whole lot is going on. This place is packed this morning. The lady next to me is passed out, the man across from me just ate a Wendy’s hamburger (it looked good but I have learned not to eat after this because I think that is what makes me feel like shit), there is a man who has his shirt buttoned a few too many buttons, a lady who they had a lot of trouble finding her vein (I am SO glad I have my port) and 3 other rows of people going through some kind of treatment. I just hope and pray they are doing as well as I am and feel as loved as I do.

Talking

I think it is going to happen soon – Ian has started saying a few words. Yesterday, my friend Shanna called to tell me that when picking up her daughter Livi from school, the teacher told her that Ian pointed and to and said Livi. Then last night while reading the same picture book for the 15th time, he pointed to the duck and said duck, duck, duck. I know it won’t be anytime before he is in full swing talk mood – oh my, am I ready for this?!?! I am so excited to hear what comes out of his mouth and that he has a new way to express himself. He gets his point across now with signs and general pointing, but I am making it a point to tell him to use his words when he wants something.
It makes me sad though that my little baby is growing up. He has developed his own unique personality that I constantly laugh at. He is so silly and sweet, I couldn’t ask for more of an angel.

Thank you cancer.

Because of you, I have learned:
How blessed I am
How many wonderful people I have in life and how much I mean to them
How to seize every feel good moment
How to be in the moment and soak up every detail about it
How I will leave my impact on the world
How important my family and friends are to me
How many laxatives are just enough :-P
How to appreciate the taste of something wonderful
That slowing down and resting is just as important as going full force
That I truly enjoying writing – something I never knew before
Being creative is a necessity to my sanity
My spirituality has been inside me all along – all I had to do was let it shine through
Asking for help isn’t hard as I thought and it is not a sign of weakness. If fact, I think it shows strength to be able to admit it.
I don’t need “stuff” to make me happy. I need my family and friends and my attitude to make me happy.
Eric is a pillar of strength for me – well, I knew that before but this reinforces it.

I never knew getting sick would show me how healthy I was.

Great Expectations

I have always tried not to expect anything from any given situation or anyone because in my mind, if I don’t expect it, I can’t be let down. Now, don’t get me wrong, I HOPE for the best in every situation and from every person – I just don’t expect it from any one thing or anyone.

Sometime during my first two treatments, I guess I started to expect that I would bounce back by the weekend following a treatment and I could breeze through the rest of my treatments as easily as I had the first two. Since I was expecting to feel better by the weekend, I am now let down that I am still completely exhausted and my body hurts because I am so tired. I can’t fight this feeling of disappointment in myself – which I know is not my fault but I am disappointed that I ever let myself believe this was going to be a breeze. It isn’t easy and I am tired but I just keep telling myself, I could be SO much worse. I mean, honestly, yes I am exhausted and have a funky burnt taste in my mouth but there are so many other side-effects I could be experiencing and am not that I am truly blessed and grateful for. So, I don’t want to come across that I am not grateful for how well I am doing here because I am but I am getting tired of being tired.

And all I really think of right now is I only have one more of this current treatment and then I am halfway done but really, really – I am still not even halfway done and I am sick of this shit. I want my life back, I want my body to be mine again and not under attack from cancer and a counter attack of a violent chemical. But the bright side to all this nonsense is how I am honestly learning to listen to my body and hear when it tells me to STOP. That is never something I have been able to do before.

Food.

Really, really, I have never revolved my life so much around food as I have been while receiving chemo. I didn’t even have this many food issues while pregnant. I can really tell when I am starting to feel better by how much I want to eat – anything and everything. Today, I am starving and am really looking forward to lunch with some of the girls – here is to friends and food!! I do realize once chemo is over and I have to go back to watching what I eat will be a little harsh, but for the time being, I am taking my doctor’s advice and eating whatever I can whenever I can.

A few people have asked me how my two week schedule goes and it seems to be pretty consistent.
Monday – chemo day. We stop at McDonald’s for an egg mcmuffin and hash brown for me on the way to the office – don’t judge me. I realize how unhealthy it is but knowing I need some fat and calories because I won’t be eating again for a few days makes it okay in my mind. Come home after chemo and usually pass out for a few hours. Try to eat chicken broth that night sometimes with no luck. Pass out around 7:00 in the evening so Eric has to take care of bug.
Tuesday – Have to go get my shot and try to eat. This week I was able to eat chicken broth and a piece of toast 2 times throughout the day. Nap on and off and pass out around 7:30 in the evening. Again, Eric takes care of bug.
Wednesday – Looking at food is good but actually eating it isn’t good yet. Chicken broth and toast again, but a little energy starts to return which is great for me. I am able to help with Ian but go to bed around 8:00.
Thursday – Food is sounding good again and I start eating slowly. Usually carbs are the best choice for this day because they are so easy on the tummy. My energy starts to slowly come back but I can’t do too much because I do get so tired.
Friday – FOOD DAY!!! I am starving and ready to eat. Energy is still creeping back up but I am learning not to do too much or the energy won’t be up for too long.
Saturday – next Sunday – I continue to do a little better as each day passes. I can eat more at one sitting and don’t crash as hard at night. I am still in bed by 9:00 nightly no matter where I am in the schedule and need to lay down for at least an hour daily if I want to have energy when Eric and Ian get home.
So, all in all, it isn’t that bad. From what I have read, it could be a whole lot worse so I will take my food issues and tiredness any day and run with it.

Inspiration

I heard the other day that we should try to find inspiration in our day to day lives everywhere we look. Now, who was talking about this was talking about finding inspiration with colors and patterns to make cute cards and little do-dads – just the stuff I love making. And I was able to take a lot away from this in more ways than one.

We watched “Dan in Real Life” the other night and I found a great deal of inspiration in a quote from the movie. “The only thing you can plan on in life is to plan to be surprised.” Now, it took a while for this to really set in with me and then last night I realized how much my timeline in life is now a surprise to me and out of my hands.

While rocking Ian to sleep last night, after a few sips of his watered-down milk out of his sippy (hey, he is off the bottle and it is more me and Eric holding on to him having the sippy to keep him a baby a little longer) he didn’t want to be rocked to sleep. It made me realize how sad it made me for my timeline. If my body was mine right now, I (we) would be trying to get pregnant again for many reasons. I want another baby so badly and the stage Ian is in right now is so great. He is a little independent, can do simple things that we ask him to and he will be a wonderful older brother.

Anyway, it made me realize, no matter what we plan, how well that plan is laid, it doesn’t matter. It isn’t up to us. I truly believe we all have a plan laid out for us the day we are born and sometimes it takes a little kick in the pants to get us to realize that plan. Now, I am not entirely sure what the plan is for me and my family but I do know that whatever happens, I will now always plan to be surprised.

Coming out of the fog…

Wow, so I slept from 8 p.m. – 7 a.m. last night. I woke up a few times because of Ian but was able to fall right back to sleep. My tummy feels much better today – I still don’t feel like eating much but have managed to get down a piece of toast for breakfast and chicken broth and cheese toast for snack. I have figured out the hard way, even if I don’t feel like eating, I HAVE to keep something on my stomach or I will feel even worse.

I am still extremely tired but don’t feel dead to the world like I did yesterday and last night. I pretty much got up this morning and moved to the couch and have been here since. This is the hardest part – there are folded clothes on the couch, clothes in the dryer that need to be folded and clothes that need to be put into the washer but I just don’t have the energy to even do that. So, I am sitting here looking at all this crap to do and it makes me feel guilty, BUT not guilty enough to do something about it. :-P

I am about to head out to get my shot – my first time to go alone. I am going to call and talk to Marci though when I am there getting it. I have found that the injection doesn’t burn as bad if I am distracted.

Blah...

I am not feeling so hot today. I wouldn’t say I feel bad but I sure don’t feel good. I am just exhausted and my stomach is turning – not nauseous just very uneasy. I have taken my medicine and had some chicken broth – diner of champions!
I haven’t felt like this before on a Monday. Last chemo treatment, I felt pretty good so this is kind of throwing me off a little bit.

I came home from chemo, ate a little lunch, Eric left and I slept for almost 2 hours. And now, I am watching a cooking show on KLRU, public access. I hadn’t figured out but when I can’t think of me physically eating, I really enjoy watching cooking shows. I guess in my mind if I see the beautiful food on TV I don’t miss actually eating it. Well, I am not sure that is why but I really can’t figure out what the appeal it. I do know what the appeal is, these people make cooking look SO easy and they are able to whip up these wonderful meals in 30 minutes. I want to do that!

I am planning on going to bed as soon as Ian does, so I really hoping I wake up feeling better in the morning than I do right now because I do NOT want to feel like crap all day tomorrow.

Chemo Chronicle #3

Wow, I really can’t believe I will be 75% done with my first round of treatments and 37.5% done with all my treatments after today. I saw Lisa, the PA, this morning and she said Bill has shrunk even more and she is so happy to see how well I am continuing to do with this accelerated schedule. My weight is holding steady, so yeah for that. I must say, I have been eating a ton this past week and a lot of it was left over food from the head shaving party. Kim Goode brought this delicious green chili chicken casserole that I ate a ton of and Jessica (Hyde) Moody brought spaghetti sauce like her mom used to make us – oh my goodness, it really took me back to when we were in high school and would sit in her kitchen and eat and eat and eat. Surprisingly enough, looking back at pictures from us in high school, we were all so little and we always thought we were so fat. How time can really allow you to see the truth in the situation.

The office was crazy busy this morning but there aren’t many people here in the chemo room. I have a girl next to me, maybe a little older than me but defiantly younger than most here. She is here by herself and that makes me sad for her. I have a man across from me who is a first timer because he is getting the talk – call if you feel anything is going on, you have to make yourself eat, take your medicine even if you don’t feel sick, etc. Oh, the talk. I learned the hard way, LISTEN to what they say.

I am pretty tired this morning though after the walk yesterday, which was fabulous. I will write about that here in a bit. I slept okay last night but was up more than like would have like to have been for various reasons. I do wonder what it would be like to sleep through the night. I haven’t slept through a whole night since before I was pregnant. Oh well, that my life for now!

Realizations

I realized tonight that I can be a huge bitch when something doesn’t go the way I THINK it should or when I am tired and more so when both are happening. I don’t mean to be a bitch and when I am being one I don’t stop to think – hey, this is wrong and STOP acting like a huge baby bitch. Instead, I go on with me being a bitch, then about 2 minutes after the fact, I realize how I was and then it is too late to apologize in person because who I was a total bitch to is gone. So, instead I write an email appolizing and then I wonder if that makes it even worse.
I so need to work on my actions in the moment. If Ian ever acted like I did tonight, I would ground him for at least two weeks – well, I say that. I really don’t know how grounding works! I have decided to try something for 2 weeks – every time I am hateful to someone for ANYTHING, I am going to put a $1 in a jar. I might be broke after this is done, but I will at least not be hateful anymore!