Sunday, November 9, 2008

Great Expectations

I have always tried not to expect anything from any given situation or anyone because in my mind, if I don’t expect it, I can’t be let down. Now, don’t get me wrong, I HOPE for the best in every situation and from every person – I just don’t expect it from any one thing or anyone.

Sometime during my first two treatments, I guess I started to expect that I would bounce back by the weekend following a treatment and I could breeze through the rest of my treatments as easily as I had the first two. Since I was expecting to feel better by the weekend, I am now let down that I am still completely exhausted and my body hurts because I am so tired. I can’t fight this feeling of disappointment in myself – which I know is not my fault but I am disappointed that I ever let myself believe this was going to be a breeze. It isn’t easy and I am tired but I just keep telling myself, I could be SO much worse. I mean, honestly, yes I am exhausted and have a funky burnt taste in my mouth but there are so many other side-effects I could be experiencing and am not that I am truly blessed and grateful for. So, I don’t want to come across that I am not grateful for how well I am doing here because I am but I am getting tired of being tired.

And all I really think of right now is I only have one more of this current treatment and then I am halfway done but really, really – I am still not even halfway done and I am sick of this shit. I want my life back, I want my body to be mine again and not under attack from cancer and a counter attack of a violent chemical. But the bright side to all this nonsense is how I am honestly learning to listen to my body and hear when it tells me to STOP. That is never something I have been able to do before.
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