Set me free and recuse me from the mighty waters – Psalm 144:7

I am home and feel set free in a whole new way.

I had so many quiet conversations with God while in the hospital recovering, holding His hand, leaning on Him for strength, and having full faith that even with this bump in the road, He has my back, He has bigger plans for me – plans for me that without all this craziness I would have never been for – I would have never knows these plans.

Now don’t get me wrong – I don’t believe I know the whole picture of the plans, but I do believe I have an idea of what He needs me to do.

And instead of me trying to figure out how to go about writing a book and getting it published I am going to just start writing – writing chapters, writing whispers to my heart, writing what I feel like He needs/wants me to say about all this.

BUT on that hand, if anyone out there reading this has any tips, please feel free to pass them along.

I am also excited to start painting more.  I had vivid pictures in my mind about new paintings, new styles, and new ways to incorporate God’s love into them to share with the world.

I will go see Dr. H this morning to set up radiation and according to her nurse; the talk with the medical director of BSI went very well on Friday.

Please continue to pray that I get back on BSI and head radiation gets any last straggler that might think it can hide out.

Thank you for all the prayers thus far and being with me in so many ways on this journey.

This person I am...

I don’t want to be brave.

I don’t want to be inspiring.

I don’t want to be strong.

I don’t want to have to be this person I have to be…

This person I am

This person who doesn’t have a choice

But to be strong

To be courageous

I want to breakdown

I want to say f*ck it all

I want to eat my pain away

I want a magic wand to wave

And all this shit to go away

Tomorrow is the day – brain surgery

I can’t say I am not scared

I can’t say I can make heads or tails out of this whole situation

I can’t say I am ok

My power works best in weakness.

My power works best in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9

It is true – I never notice the power, the strength, the grace of God more than when I feel weak, scared, lost…

I don’t know why, but it always amazes me when I do my daily devotional and when I read it, it seems like it was truly written just for me and the exact time I need it.

In church Sunday, they sang a song that more than hit home – it touched my heart in a deep place…a place that used to not get touched much, but as this life continues a place that gets touched more often and because of it, I am a different person.

I pray for you

You pray for me

We watch God change things

Yes I am scared. Yes the thought of the upcoming surgery freaks me out. Yes I want wake up and realize this is a bad dream. Yes I am trying to control other things because this is so far out of my control. Yes I have been praying like a mad woman. Yes I believe all this will ok. Yes I believe I will come out of this with flying colors, a cool new scare and a stronger heart. Yes it sucks…big time.

It has all really hit home today – the bigness of the whole situation…making the appointments, having people come in to be with us…I feel like I am arranging my life from a faraway place.

I still get waves of this floating sensation – it is a half dream/half-awake feeling – then the reality of it all crashes into me and then I am fully awake with WTF is happening/how did this happen/when will this stop and so much more.

The next few days will be crazy.  Please know that all your messages, emails, etc are truly loved and welcomed – even if I don’t answer back.

Tomorrow

1045: meet with the neurosurgeon

After that; go do pre-op check in and talk with the drug dr (I can NOT for the life of me spell the correct word)

Thursday

800 PET scan

Get clear PET results and word from BSI company that I can stay on BSI and continue on it next week

Friday – go into surgery

I have had a lot of people ask what we need – I don’t know.  I wish I knew, but I just don’t know at this point.

For now, please just pray for us.

I will have Eric send an email on Friday.  If you would like to be added to the email list, please shot me an email at reneelinke513@yahoo.com

SO…

I have tried to come up with witty titles and well, the only one I am able to think of is:

Third time is a charm?!?!

Yesterday was a day like no other. Ian and I were running errands and after our stop at Pier One, we were walking down the stairs to go Party City to start looking at Halloween stuff…because you know…why wouldn’t we start looking and thinking about Halloween costumes two months in advance?!?! Exactly.

While walking down the stairs my right side kind of went numb – not all the way numb but for me to get it to work, I had to think the thought – “move right hand” over and over to get it to move. I called Eric right away because I was thinking driving wasn’t the best idea! Then Eric and I thought it might be from low blood sugar, so we went to get some lunch. At lunch, the numbness got worse and my right foot was heavy…I could still move it, but it was heavy and weird.

I called Dr. H and she said go to ER...YIKES that freaked me out.

 Got to ER, Dr. H had already called, so we were able to go right back..hey, I guess having an oncologist that rocks has its perks?!

Eric left me there and took Ian over to Teri’s because we had no idea how long we would be there and let’s just say, a 5 year old + ER doesn’t equal happiness.

They did an immediate EKG then Dr. H ordered an MRI.

Waited for the MRI results…

ER doctor came in to give us the news…definitely NOT what we were expecting.

ER doctor told me that there is a mass in my brain.

Not sure why, but every time I get this news, I expect the doctor to pause and say, “Just Kidding…you are good to go…get on out of here.”

I waited for it…for him to say those next few lines…

He didn’t.

So me and Eric did what we do – we hug, we cry, we say it sucks, we hug some more – then we shake it off, pull on our brave pants and ask what comes next…where do we go from here.

The neurosurgeon came in to talk to us (I thought he was at the hospital and just stopped by, but come to find out from Dr. H this morning, she called him yesterday and asked him to stop by to talk to us) score 14,857 for Dr. H being awesome!

He showed us the MRI and the mass is on the back of my brain. It is 2-3 cm large and mostly liquid.

As far as having a mass on the brain goes, this one is in a REALLY good place – it isn’t in a place that could affect memory, speech, personality, body movement, etc.  Gina told me they better not take the crazy out of me…don’t worry…I will still be me…just without a piece of my brain.

Next steps: PET scan on Tuesday or Wednesday; consult with brain Dr; surgery on Thursday or Friday.

In the meantime, mom and Tammy are flying in today. Rachele and dad will be here for surgery. Eric’s parents want to come also, but I think we will have them wait a few weeks.

Dr. H called to touch base with me this morning. She said if I was to have to get another tumor, this is the best place to get one – it can be cut out, radiated and good to go.  She laughed and said it sounds weird, but more than anything this is just a major inconvenience – which I say all the time…cancer is just one big pain in my ass.

If you are the praying type – will you please pray a few things:

 ~ Dr. H gets approval for me to stay on BSI (trial drug – they MIGHT see this as me being not NED, but she said that is stupid because systemically, I am NED.  None of the chemo drugs I have had can cross the blood brain barrier…therefore; there has been no way for any drugs to get to my brain.)

~ Surgery is easy and I don’t miss any of my brain

~ PET shows no evidence of disease

I know Eric & I have the strength and grace to make it through this bump in the road.

We are faithful that God is good and He does have a bigger plan for us.

Does that make it suck any less…no, it still sucks, but it will be ok. 

I still feel that I have a long life ahead of me. I still feel like I will be here to help Ian grow up into an amazing man, to love and support Eric, to make my friends laugh, to simmer my mom and sister down, to paint to the world, to write a book…to laugh and love.

My sweet Ian – on your 5th birthday

Let me go ahead and get it out of the way – I can NOT believe you are 5…seriously, can NOT believe it.  Where has the time gone?

As sad as I am that you are growing up so fast, I am all that proud and more of what a truly wonderful person you are and are continuing to become.

While over at a friend’s house the other day you were calling me mom instead of mommy, then you whispered to me that you will call me mommy in secret – at least you are telling me your secrets!

You have a wonderful outlook on life – one that is infectious.  When I tell you that you can do something for 10 minutes, you say, “well, at least it is more than 9!” And I always tell you that, “it is what it is” and one day you replied, “and it isn’t what it isn’t.”

You have a grasp on life much deeper than many adults I know.  You live with a joy from deep down in your soul.  You are so kind and caring to everyone.  I tell you if someone hits you that you are allowed to hit them back and 9 times out of 10 you don’t – you tell me you don’t want to hurt them back.  You teach so much everyday about kindness and love.

You quiz me and daddy about God and Heaven all the time and are starting to understand that God is infinite and His love goes on forever.

You asked me the other day if you were my everything – yes my sweetie, yes you are.

You continue to amaze me daily with your math in your head ability – you get that from me! The whole time we are driving, we are asking each other math questions. You have addition down, pretty much subtraction and we are starting to work on multiplication. You love math – love it.

You are really starting to be interested in reading.  You ask me specifically what everything says and are starting to sound out words.

Your teachers from pre-k and gymnastics tell me what a wonderful friend you are to all, how well you listen and follow the rules and how kind and funny you are!

You love performing magic tricks while daddy and I watch intently at all your shows! You haven’t figured out how not to tell the secret of the trick though!

You still LOVE when daddy gets home! By 5:30 me and you are ready for a little break and you are ready to rumble with daddy! 

You LOVE to play board games, and we spend a majority of our time together doing just that. Right now you love, “guess who” “operation” “memory” (which you honestly win at) and “connect four.” You are a gaming fool, but that is really ok with me! I don’t cut you any slack with the rules – sometimes you try to pull one over on me, but most of the time you do follow the rules and we are good to go!

You still love Skylanders and have collected them all. You are currently saving up money to buy the new giants game that comes out in October!

You are starting to like to play school – ninja school that is.  You like to be the master who teaches me how to do certain ninja routines – it is so funny watch!

I really can’t believe you are 5.  It is amazing to see what a wonderful person you have become in these past 5 years – I can’t wait to see who you are in the next 5 years.

I love you my sweetness.

Mommy

The aftermath…

While driving home from the funeral today, several things occurred to me:

We are a bunch of 30 and 40 year old people there to celebrate Kristi’s life – but the thing is – a bunch of 30 and 40 year olds shouldn’t have to be at a funeral of another 40 year old.  It was a heart breaking experience.

Seeing her life in pictures, hearing the thoughts of her loved ones makes me realize so much – the small things that we spend SO much time and energy on…DO.NOT.MATTER.

In the end – the stress we put on ourselves to have a perfect house, to have a perfect body, to have the perfect car – the standards we set for ourselves – none of it matters. When it is all said and done, the only thing that really matters is love – love for God, love for family, love for friends, love for each other.

And to see Kristi in all those pictures with her family and friends made me realize – our lives are one big series of stories that we should strive to share with each other.  Our lives are meant to be lived with family and friends.  Our lives are meant to be shared with each other.

I really want to look at the priorities I have had lately.  I want Eric to look at his. I want to remember to live and deeply love every day. I want to remember the precious gift God gives us to live with our loved ones and to cherish the time here and to love as much as I can.

The inevitable…

It happened – I didn’t realize how hard it would be to deal with – I didn’t realize how quick it can happen – I didn’t realize the hole that would be left in my heart.

I guess when I started making friends with a bunch of cancer chicks, I should have known it was inevitable….I should have known it would really suck, I should have known it would rip my heart out into a million little pieces, I should have known all the questions would instantly start playing in my head – why her, why not me, what about her family – her husband, her two little boys, why does my treatment work and not hers – the questions won’t stop.

I met Kristi after I was diagnosed the second – I was at Costco with Ian and my in-laws and someone comes up to me and asks me if I am Renee. I am sure the look on my face was a little taken back, but then she quickly explained she was a Pink Ribbon Cowgirl and well – I didn’t have any hair…I guess put two and two together and you get an odd meeting in Costco. We instantly hit it off. She was funny, friendly and kind – my kind of girl.

Then we got to know each other on a level not many people will ever know each other on – over many rounds of chemo.  Yes it is true, us cancer chicks really get to know one and other over chemo – we text each other to see if we are there at same time, we wheel our bags of chemo around the infusion room to chat with each other, we get to hug each other when we get a great scan, we are there for each other when the scan isn’t what we hoped and prayed for…all of this in this surreal room filled with disease and more love than one would imagine.

I was able to go see her in the hospital a few times – it was great to see her with her other friends, to see her as her – not as a cancer patient.

I didn’t get to say goodbye to her though. I was planning on going to see her tomorrow after my treatment as I was out of town until tonight…

It sucks. Cancer sucks. It is a real slap in the face – it is a real eye-opener…tomorrow is not a guarantee for anyone and it is heartbreaking.

To my sweet friend Kristi – I am sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye. I am sorry you had cancer. I am sorry it took you away from us way too soon. I am sorry to your sweet husband and precious boys. I am sorry to your family and friends who loved you so much. You will be missed and you are oh so loved and so many.