The inevitable…

It happened – I didn’t realize how hard it would be to deal with – I didn’t realize how quick it can happen – I didn’t realize the hole that would be left in my heart.

I guess when I started making friends with a bunch of cancer chicks, I should have known it was inevitable….I should have known it would really suck, I should have known it would rip my heart out into a million little pieces, I should have known all the questions would instantly start playing in my head – why her, why not me, what about her family – her husband, her two little boys, why does my treatment work and not hers – the questions won’t stop.

I met Kristi after I was diagnosed the second – I was at Costco with Ian and my in-laws and someone comes up to me and asks me if I am Renee. I am sure the look on my face was a little taken back, but then she quickly explained she was a Pink Ribbon Cowgirl and well – I didn’t have any hair…I guess put two and two together and you get an odd meeting in Costco. We instantly hit it off. She was funny, friendly and kind – my kind of girl.

Then we got to know each other on a level not many people will ever know each other on – over many rounds of chemo.  Yes it is true, us cancer chicks really get to know one and other over chemo – we text each other to see if we are there at same time, we wheel our bags of chemo around the infusion room to chat with each other, we get to hug each other when we get a great scan, we are there for each other when the scan isn’t what we hoped and prayed for…all of this in this surreal room filled with disease and more love than one would imagine.

I was able to go see her in the hospital a few times – it was great to see her with her other friends, to see her as her – not as a cancer patient.

I didn’t get to say goodbye to her though. I was planning on going to see her tomorrow after my treatment as I was out of town until tonight…

It sucks. Cancer sucks. It is a real slap in the face – it is a real eye-opener…tomorrow is not a guarantee for anyone and it is heartbreaking.

To my sweet friend Kristi – I am sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye. I am sorry you had cancer. I am sorry it took you away from us way too soon. I am sorry to your sweet husband and precious boys. I am sorry to your family and friends who loved you so much. You will be missed and you are oh so loved and so many.