Still searching

I feel like I am and forever will be searching for a way to explain to others that while yes, I am technically cancer free right now, my energy and mind is not like it once was….and I don’t know if it will ever be.

Energy:
When I have it, I have it!
When I don’t, I don’t.

I can no longer make myself trudge through activities like I once was able to do.

I have to carefully schedule my day so I don’t crash and burn too soon.

I am like a child who gets over tired and melts down.  I can’t make sense of all the emotions that bombard me and I melt down…just like a child.

I don’t remember what it feels like to not be tired all the time…to not know that if I laid my head down on a soft pillow, I would more than likely fall asleep…and sleep for at least an hour.

I don’t remember what it feels like to have a headache and just think, oh I have a headache.

My mind:
I don’t remember what it feels like to not worry about my friends.  Of course I have always worried about their happiness, but this is a different layer of worry with my “cancer” friends.

I don’t remember what it feels like to be able to talk about what is going on with me without crying.  The first few times through Cancerland, I could talk about it like a fact – it was what it was.  Now, 6 years later it has become a part of me. 

I don’t remember anything.
Seriously…anything.
My short term memory is 95% gone. 

You can look at me and have a full out conversation and a few minutes later, I won’t remember it.

I make plans with others, and I will have no recollection of it.

My goal for 2015 is to make peace with myself and all that has happened.

To truly know it is ok if I don’t remember a lot of what happened – there is probably a GREAT reason it is blocked.

To truly trust in the healing process and be happy and great with where I am verses where I think I should be.

To truly commit a few things and DO them.

Not worry about the ifs of getting sick again and just flipping go for it.

Video of me reading Dear Breast Cancer Sisters:

Dear breast cancer sisters

Dear breast cancer sisters,

I am “classified as a stage 4er cancer” woman.

Six years ago I was classified as Stage 1, triple negative. Went through chemo, surgery & radiation…got clean and clear!

15 months later I was classified Stage 4…cancer was in my lungs, bones and nodes.  Chemo got me clean again for 8 months only to have cancer come back again and this time it was pissed.

It was in my brain.
3 – yes THREE brain surgeries within 10 months  was what it took to remove breast cancer from my brain.

After said surgeries, I had to relearn a few things due to numbness in my body: walk, drive, stand for more than 3 minutes, bend down to load/unload dishwasher and many more activities I never thought twice about before I could no longer do them.

Fast forward to today.

Today, I sit here 18 months later…CANCER FREE!!

I have been cancer free in my body for THREE years and in my head 18 months.

This is incredible news.

I don’t write this to brag…I write this to give HOPE to all you out there who are dealing with this shit too.

Please know this has NOT been a quick or easy road.

There were MANY times I was ready to throw in the towel:

like after my first brain surgery and I had steroid psychosis, after my second brain surgery and I couldn’t walk at all, after radiation and my skin hurt so bad I didn’t know if I could with the pain anymore.

I know too many of you are on this road with me.

I know the holidays are hard to get through with “cancer” always there in the back ground.

I know how it is to wonder if this will be my last Christmas.

I know how that hole in your heart feels.

But I also know the power of Hope.

You can never let go of Hope. 

Even if you are hanging on to that string of Hope by a tiny, tiny string – you hang on to that string with ALL YOU HAVE.

You hang on to that string with every ounce of fight you have in you.

You hang on to that string of Hope like you would hang on someone trying to snatch your baby away from you.

YOU HANG ON

You find something – anything every day to fight for.

If every day seems too overwhelming, you look at it minute by minute.

You look at cancer in the eyes and tell it to suck it.

Tell it that you will NOT ALLOW it to take Hope away from you.

Say it out loud.

Yell it.
Whatever you do with this, please let it reach your heart and fill it full of Hope.

It is my sincerest Hope that this message finds who it needs to at this moment.

Trying not to live in fear

Scan-xiety

The scenarios start playing as soon as I book my appointment.

The what ifs that like to take over:
What if cancer is in my body again?
Would I have to do full out chemo?
Could I handle full out chemo?
How would I rally my troops?
Are my troops tired of having to be "on-call" for me?

The longer out I am from the scan appointment, the anxiety starts to fade into the background as a dull hmmm. That kind of hmmm you can hear when you stop to listen for it but if not listening it blends in to life. 

But, no matter how long it has been since my last scan, it is always the same song and dance. About 3 to 4 days before my appointment, I start to notice little things:
that ache in my stomach is new- was it there last week?
my leg feels number than normal. 
my hand seems a little heavier today than it did yesterday.
is that headache from a little too much wine or something growing in my brain?

These questions haunt my days and nights leading up to any kind of scan.

I had a CT and bone scan today.

The last time did this scan combo was back in March, 2011.
If you wonder how I remember that so clearly when I can't seem to remember anything else...well that was when I was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer.

Since then, I have been getting PET scans every 4 months.  This time, insurance decided it wasn't going to pay for a PET - hence why I got a CT & Bone Scan.

It was REALLY hard for me not to go back to that last CT/Bone Scan.
Those results once again changed my life.
Breast cancer was in my lungs, bones and nodes.
9 months of harsh chemo and then I was once again NED.

I know it will be what it will be, but I have a feeling after today that all is good.
I just have that feeling that it is all ok.

I will feel better when I have those results in my hands.

 

How to be happy?

I don’t know at what point I started to believe I had to get all this stuff done in order to be happy?? 

I don’t even think “happy” is the correct word – accomplished maybe?

Whatever the word is, I am doing “it” again.

Here is what I have on my “to-do” list – and when I say to do, somehow in my mind that get turned around to “should have been done yesterday – you loser.” Sad but true.

My current list:

1. Finish final FINAL edits.  I sent it out to a few people to read and am taking some of their suggestions.
2. Make postcard to mail to those who order the book for a gift
3. Set up FB page for all my stuff in ONE place – right now it is all over the place
4. Twitter and Instagram – use it daily
5. Videos – make some videos of me reading poems I wrote and some of me answering your questions. I feel REALLY called to do this…like REALLY.  So why am I dragging my feet?  I think I am scared of what will come from these - both good and bad.  I see other people get ripped apart for doing things on-line, and that scares me.

And the above are “business” things…I have a whole other list of personal stuff.  But I guess that is where I need to stop seeing it as business or personal – it is ALL very personal to me.

Back to my above statement on being happy – when did I get tricked into believing having a marked off to-do list would be my key to happiness?

I don’t know when, but I am trying to unturn that thought.

I just can’t unturn it right now, when I am SO close to having these things done…then I loop back around…will I ever really be done and if I were, would I really be happy??

I think no.

I think it is doing the stuff that makes me the happiest.

OH, there it is – I just answered my question…it is IN doing the stuff that I am happy.
I guess I need to chill out and enjoy the ride and stop trying to control this rollercoaster of life...God is driving.

Unknown road

Doubt

It amazes me how easily doubt can creep into my mind and start taking root in my heart.

It isn’t doubt about God, my health, my family.

It is doubt about what I do.

It is doubt about wondering if it matters.

It is doubt about my ability to touch others where  I have been touched by others…way deep in my heart.

I create – I create inspirational art meant to be hung in places where all can see and take in the loving messages the pieces hold.

I envision it in a young girl’s room – there to brighten the walls AND to tell her that she is great – just the way she is.

I envision it in a teenagers room to encourage her to follow her OWN path and not the path of others.

I envision it as a gift given to a friend going through cancer treatments…just a little token of love for friends or family to remind her how loved she is.

I envision it hanging on the walls of chemo rooms to brighten the walls.

I envision it in children’s hospitals to life the spirits of those who are there.

I envision it in OBGYN offices to give the soon to be mom something fun to look at while she is there.

I  want my pieces to be those pieces that the onlooker just has  stop to really look at, to take a pictures of it and found out more about the person behind the art.

 

I write – I write about my life…all my life. 

I envision my writings to take hold of the reader and shake them by the shoulders and shake them in a gentle loving way…shake them to help then see what life is about.

I envision me speaking to audiences – telling them my story of heartache, despair, sadness but driving home the Hope that has always been in my heart through it all.

I look at this list and explode with excitement…but only for a moment.

Then the doubts enter my happy bubble and one by one and before I know it, my bubble it about to burst from all those little doubts that entered.

Then I hear almost a laugh and I feel shame for thinking who am I to even think I could be like Oprah, Brene Brown, Kelly Rea Roberts and so many others who are able to send the message of Love and it reach SO MANY others.

I am still learning though...

these things take time.
these things I want to do.

And it is that part that scares me.

What if I don’t have the time?
What if I don’t have what it takes?

Then I remind myself that even those people I look up to had/have times like these.

I guess I am at the crossroad.

I either keep on the path that I am on…even if I don’t see anyone for miles.

I have that feeling in my heart to keep on going.  That feeling that have never led me to a bad place yet.

But it is scary on this road NOT knowing where exactly it will lead me.

OR, I could take the other road.  Everything on that road is on the surface – you get what you see.  There is no digging required.

I have been on that road many times before.

I am pretty sure that road is not meant for me being as I have been placed on my unknown road so many times.

I guess it is the time I finally walk this unknown road?!?!

Renee In Cancerland - Book Snippet

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

It hits home…

Too many things have happened these past few days that makes my stomach turn and scares the crap out of me.
One of our Pink Ribbon Cowgirls passed away – she was young….my age young and had a 4 year-old-son. My heart hurts for family and friends and especially her son.

Then I just got an email update from another PRC, she stopped chemo September 15 and was free and clear of the C word – it is back and she has to start chemo again.

I don’t get it. I do so good at thinking I am doing good and thinking I have it all under control and then something like this happens and I think, this could so easily be me.

It is fine line I am trying not to cross – thinking about these people, their situations, their hurt and in turn thinking “what if” that is me again? It could so easily be me again.
 It sucks, cancer sucks.

Absolute faith

11/30/14

Unity Church of the Hills

I won’t lie, it still startles me if I am caught off guard when Spirit talks to me. Sometimes I try SO hard to talk, I don't hear anything.

But it is in the times when I am just there, the loudest message comes through.

Like when I am in the middle of signing a song in church and WHAM out of nowhere my heart and mind are flooded with memories…I know these memories are given to me at the moment to teach me something.

Short story:

I wasn’t raised in any one particle church…heck, we were that family that only went to church on the big holidays.

I never walked out of a service thinking…THAT one changed my life.

Even though we didn’t go to church on a regular basis, I had this love in my heart that always shined through and into me…unbeknownst to me at the time, it was/is Spirit.

People have always told me that I just have a glow and a warmness about me…again, sometimes I thought others were crazy?!?

I never knew how to explain this to myself, why "I" would have this glow about me?
Me – the one who didn’t go to church on a regular basis.

Me - the one who didn't stick to any sort of regular prayer schedule.

Me - the one who didn't know any bible verses

I did always wonder though:
Why I was so easy to talk to?
Why listening to others really filled my soul more than talking about me?

Back to today’s service:

The message started out from Daily Word: I have absolute faith in God.

This is what transported me back to all those memories of all those times, that I just KNEW it was going to be good.

Whatever it was.

I just KNEW it was going to work out.
I didn’t know how, I just knew it was.

But in service today, hearing that message of, “I have absolute faith in God,” made me realize I have always had absolute faith in God...even as a child and didn't go to church on a regular basis. 

I never knew it was my faith that made me look on the bright side of things…I just always have.

I never knew it was my faith that made it possible to look at any situation and say I don’t care what you say…it will turn out good.

But it is my faith that makes me know it will be good…heck, even great.

I have absolute faith in God