Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Still searching


I feel like I am and forever will be searching for a way to explain to others that while yes, I am technically cancer free right now, my energy and mind is not like it once was….and I don’t know if it will ever be.

Energy:
When I have it, I have it!
When I don’t, I don’t.

I can no longer make myself trudge through activities like I once was able to do.

I have to carefully schedule my day so I don’t crash and burn too soon.
I am like a child who gets over tired and melts down.  I can’t make sense of all the emotions that bombard me and I melt down…just like a child.

I don’t remember what it feels like to not be tired all the time…to not know that if I laid my head down on a soft pillow, I would more than likely fall asleep…and sleep for at least an hour.

I don’t remember what it feels like to have a headache and just think, oh I have a headache.

My mind:
I don’t remember what it feels like to not worry about my friends.  Of course I have always worried about their happiness, but this is a different layer of worry with my “cancer” friends.

I don’t remember what it feels like to be able to talk about what is going on with me without crying.  The first few times through Cancerland, I could talk about it like a fact – it was what it was.  Now, 6 years later it has become a part of me. 
I don’t remember anything.
Seriously…anything.
My short term memory is 95% gone. 

You can look at me and have a full out conversation and a few minutes later, I won’t remember it.

I make plans with others, and I will have no recollection of it.

My goal for 2015 is to make peace with myself and all that has happened.
To truly know it is ok if I don’t remember a lot of what happened – there is probably a GREAT reason it is blocked.

To truly trust in the healing process and be happy and great with where I am verses where I think I should be.

To truly commit a few things and DO them.

Not worry about the ifs of getting sick again and just flipping go for it.
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