Monday, December 15, 2014

Trying not to live in fear


The scenarios start playing as soon as I book my appointment.

The what ifs that like to take over:
What if cancer is in my body again?
Would I have to do full out chemo?
Could I handle full out chemo?
How would I rally my troops?
Are my troops tired of having to be "on-call" for me?

The longer out I am from the scan appointment, the anxiety starts to fade into the background as a dull hmmm. That kind of hmmm you can hear when you stop to listen for it but if not listening it blends in to life. 

But, no matter how long it has been since my last scan, it is always the same song and dance. About 3 to 4 days before my appointment, I start to notice little things:
that ache in my stomach is new- was it there last week?
my leg feels number than normal. 
my hand seems a little heavier today than it did yesterday.
is that headache from a little too much wine or something growing in my brain?

These questions haunt my days and nights leading up to any kind of scan.

I had a CT and bone scan today.

The last time did this scan combo was back in March, 2011.
If you wonder how I remember that so clearly when I can't seem to remember anything else...well that was when I was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer.

Since then, I have been getting PET scans every 4 months.  This time, insurance decided it wasn't going to pay for a PET - hence why I got a CT & Bone Scan.

It was REALLY hard for me not to go back to that last CT/Bone Scan.
Those results once again changed my life.
Breast cancer was in my lungs, bones and nodes.
9 months of harsh chemo and then I was once again NED.

I know it will be what it will be, but I have a feeling after today that all is good.
I just have that feeling that it is all ok.

I will feel better when I have those results in my hands.


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