11 days and 5 bruises later

In the past 11 days, I have had:

Head MRI

PET Scan

BSI and Zometa infusion

Abdominal CT scan

Abdominal MRI

BSI Infusion

Appoint with intestine Dr

 

Really, I am tired of appointments, tired of being poked and am just tired…BUT, I keep on keepin’ on and will continue to.

To catch you up on all the tests:

Head MRI – CLEAR!

PET Scan – all CLEAR but one little area…hence the Abdominal CT and follow up MRI. The finding – there is something there BUT NOT CANCER!!!  It is a little “bulge” at the tip of the small intestine which was looking like the pancreas.

I will be getting a scope on Monday and they will be able to tell what the “bulge” is. No one is worried which makes me VERY happy.

I felt at peace with all this even when they first told me something showed up on the PET – I just didn’t feel like it was cancer…hey, I am getting good at knowing what is going on in my body!

Please pray the scope is easy and whatever it is doesn’t even need to be fixed!

I hope yall have a great Easter.

My glued together seams

I used to think I was strong because I could hold it all together – even in the midst of all these tragedies that our family seems to face about every 6 months around here.

I would accept help but I insisted I didn’t need it…we didn’t need it – well that is a lie – I wouldn’t even always accept it – denying I needed help, assuring everyone I was “fine”…because after all – I was strong.

Oh that magical word – fine.

“I am fine”…what does fine mean anyway?

It means when someone tells you they are “fine” they more than likely are by no means “fine.”

I believed if I told the world I was fine then somewhere in me, I had to be “fine” – right?

I have been looking at my calendar from these past 6 months – I was so far away from “fine.” If fine was a 3 on a scale of 1 – 10, I was like negative 10.

But somewhere on that journey  from -10 back where I am now, I have really found out about me – the way down deep me – the me who begged God for mercy in the midst of everything – the me who was no longer strong – the me who crumbled and am slowly being but back together – by my sprit – by God.

The thing is though, as He is putting me back together I am noticing things aren’t the same…how can they be?

I feel like I am a favorite coffee mug that has been dropped time and time again – every time I am glued back together, but you can see the lines – the seams aren’t seamless…but I don’t believe they are meant to be seamless.

I look back on me – on my life and I see the seams have been there from the beginning.

I see I have always been a broken coffee cup, continually put back together…but aren’t we all?

But there is a difference from my cup today verses my cup of past…even my cup of yesterday.  

I learning that I  am proud of my seams.

I am proud of my brokenness.

I am proud that in no way shape or form am I perfect – not even close…at all.

I am be proud I can be busted up in pieces all over the floor, some pieces under the refrigerator that I have to reach far back to get and some gone forever.

I am proud that I am learning to call out for help and tell others – I am broken again – please help.

I am proud of my seams.

I am proud people can look at me and see I am not perfect, but I am broken and more than likely will be broken again and always will be put back together.

I don’t know why I tried for so long to hide my seams – to hide my brokenness? 

I think I thought the seams made me not strong – if I had seams, then it was clear to me – to the world -that I had been broken and a broken cup surely could hold it all in…surely.

Now, I look at this cup –my cup – me…that has been broken countless times and glued back together the same amount of times and I am sure will be broken again.

Now, I think I am strong because of these seams – because I have been broken and have had no choice but to be glue back together.

Now, I  am learning to be thankful for my seams – they do after all let beautiful slivers of light into my cup.

Now, I wear my glued together seams like a brand new coat – for all the world to see and love.

Earth Angels

Earth Angels

Do they know

how special

how beautiful

how inspiring

they are –

to all

 

Do they know

how many

hearts

they touch

they heal

they light up?

 

Earth Angels

are everywhere

in our lives…

right now…

always


Earth Angels

bless us

inspire us

care for us

Earth Angels

change us

without

ever knowing

how precious

they are –

to all



Earth Angels

are gifts

from

God

to gently remind us

He is

Always

with us

Test results

My adventures in Cancer Land continue. As someone suggested the first time I wrote about Cancer Land, she envisioned a board game like Candy Land – but in my case it is Cancer Land. Sometimes you move forward, sometimes you move back, sometimes you get stuck…

It has been an up and down week around here, and the rollercoaster will continue into next week…I really, REALLY just want a week that is flat – flat with no excitement, flat with no worry – flat….flat…flat FLAT. I would be extremely happy to even move just one place forward.

This week I moved 3 forward and 5 back…or so I feel like and now and stuck in goo and wait my turn.

MRI results – looks great!! The cavity is filling in and there is NO GROWTH (that is all I ever want to hear!)

PET scan – all looks great, BUT one area on my pancreas that is there now and hasn’t been before. But the deal is, there are only like 11 reported people that have had breast cancer move to the pancreas – so EXTREMELY RARE – but in my case, I seem to like the rare stuff.

The long and short of it is, I will get a CT with contrast then will know more.

I have it in my head whatever it is was showing up was from acupuncture on Thursday that got my chi moving and the pancreas is a big part of that process!

Regardless, I am asking for prayers – that the “interesting spot” is miraculously gone and there is nothing to ever look at.

I will keep y’all posted with more adventures of Renee in Cancer Land.
 

Costume walk

I have gone back and forth with this since they told me they were doing it…at first I said no – we are fine, they took the no graciously.  They asked again, I said no I couldn’t ask for help – they said they didn’t care – they were going to do it for us.

Some of my neighborhood girls have once again gathered the troops for our family.

Of course I went back and forth with myself if I should write about it or not, then I prayed about it and well, I am writing about it.  I realized that every person who has ask how they can help, meant it and they really do want to help and this is why the girls are doing this – because they want to help. People have told me time and time again, if something is going on to let them know – because they want to help.

I am learning to be humble and accept help, oh…and ask for it too! YES – it is a hard learning process when we have been taught for so long (most of our lives) that we should be able to it ourselves…whatever the it is.

 

The girls are putting together a “Costume Fun Walk” to benefit our family.

The details:

Get Dressed up in your favorite Halloween costume as we walk a lap around the park (about a ½ mile) to don our support. After the walk, there will be lots of fun to be had – games, food, bounce and more!

Prize for best costume

Fun for all: Face Painting, Games, Photos, Food and Drink

Suggested Pledge Amounts: $20/Adult; $10/child

Saturday, April 20^th

10:00 am – noon

2100 Klattenhoff Dr., Klattenhoff Park

You can email questions to: walkforrenee@yahoo.com or find on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/events/496716717057687/498575383538487/?notif_t=plan_mall_activity#!/events/496716717057687/

(now THAT is a link!)

I have a flyer they created also, BUT I can’t figure out how to put a pdf on here, so if you would like a copy to hand out let me know and I will email it to you.

From an email sent out to our neighborhood:

Currently we are looking for anyone who would be willing to donate
their time. Here is a list of what we hope someone can help us with:
Live music
Food truck/stands (ex: popcorn popper, snow cones, baked goods)
Balloon animal artists (sorry, I don't know the technical title :/ )
Magician

Currently we have a friend who is donating hot dogs, and selling them
to give the proceeds. But we will gladly take a percentage of cash
sales. Please know, we cannot pay you. But you are more than
welcomed to charge the attendees for your craft/food. We only ask
that you donate a portion of your proceeds to Mrs. Sendelbach and her
family.

 

To tell the truth – I am more than excited about this for many reasons. I think it is beautiful to see so many come together to help us out and it warms my heart in a way I can’t explain. Thank you all for all you do.

Big week

So much for having a true “off week” from cancer land – I guess I can never step off the board and stop playing this game since it is my life?!?!

I have my 4 week follow up MRI tomorrow and my every 3 month PET scan on Friday.

I also have lunch penciled in on the ole calendar 2 days this week, so I will just look forward to those days and hope that takes my mind off waiting for all the results.

I do think waiting is one of the hardest part.

Sometimes I get the results the same day, sometimes it takes a full other day…I just never know. And either way my mind starts playing tricks on me…it is taking so long because Dr H is looking into other opinions, it is taking so long because nothing has changes and they have bigger fish to fry…it truly is a mind game that can take me on an ugly and scary ride.

I TRY not to let it. I try to remember to pray for strength and patience, but sometimes the “what ifs” get in first and take over and I can’t pull out of the spiral. 

I am going to try a new approach – I am going to put post-it notes all over with one simple word – pray to remember no matter where my mind is taking me at that moment to look to my heart instead…I will let you know how that goes!

My PET is on a Friday so  likely I won’t know the results until Monday and since Dr H consults the “brain team” (my new name for my team of 4 doctors who look at all my test results, discuss and then let me in on the secret) (and which by the way, I am NOT complaining about this as I am so very thankful to have these talented people look over all this and truly care about the outcome)

My cancer land b*tches have big weeks too. A new drug for one and a boob off for the other (I know – it sounds crass but it is what it is)

If you have extra room on your prayer list, please add us 3 playing this game of cancer land.

Is it funny??

It is funny (funny as in weird) what I can laugh about now. I need to remember that not everyone is on the same page with everything as I am.

After telling the lady at Ian’s camp yesterday to feel free to remind me if I ever forget to pay tuition because things in my mind just kind of slip away now…”with the whole getting part of my brain cut out I guess I should expect that to happen.”

She kind of looked at me odd and did one of those laughs…should I be laughing at this?

Yes, yes you should.

Here is how I look at it – I DID have about the size of a golf ball removed from my brain. I think THAT in itself has to give me a little wiggle room with some stuff – and dates happens to be one of those…I just can’t wrap my head around what date it is and if I am being completely honest – I was never good at what date it was before all the chemo AND the chunk of brain being removed – so be it.

Flipping switches to a totally different story in cancer-land:

I was texting with some of my “cancer b*tches” (you know, since I have my neighborhood h**kers I thought I needed to name our cancer trio too)

We all were diagnosed Stage IV around the same time, all around the same age, all have had our ups and downs and we like to give each other love with a side of comic relief when we can.

After K trying to talk  Suri into understanding a chemo name and Suri refused many times to understand it, we have decided what the hell – maybe Suri is right to rename our drugs. So now instead of these crazy names I could never remember anyway (others do a really great job of knowing what chemo they are on, have been on, etc – not me – I even said the name of my chemo once in the infusion room and my nurse died laughing – yeah, yeah, I get it – I don’t know the “official” name for any of my meds – takes up too much precious brain space – that was even before this surgery, but still I can claim chemo brain…wow, I really got off topic there).

Now the 3 of have Tom, Zelda, DSI for our chemo drugs…I am SURE Dr. H will appreciate this switch up on our end!

2 small years...

It was 2 years ago that I got the dreaded phone call – the one I never wanted again – Dr. H wants to see you today – something is on your scans.

Honestly, it never occurred to me that I would be getting that phone call again – I believed it was gone and gone for good.

In the past 24 months so much has happened, so many heartaches, so many fears, so much – so much of everything.

March, 2011:

Diagnosed for second time with breast cancer

Surgery to biopsy lung lesion

PET scan to see if it was else where

Found out it was indeed the same cancer as was in my breast first time

Found out it had spread to lymph nodes, lungs and bones

Went to MD Anderson – turned right back around to come home to Austin

April, 2011 :

I started Abraxane (chemo)

Surgery to get my port put in     

My hair started to fall out and I had Eric shave it

June, 2011:

PET scan showed big improvement

Started back on anti-depressants

July, 2011

PET scan showed chemo cocktail wasn’t working – the spot on lymph nodes grew

August, 2011

Started new cocktail – carboplatin and gemzar

Got approved for trial drug: I am honestly still not sure what the actual name of it is. It is an in-apart type chemo

Started to get infusions 2 times a week – Monday & Thursdays – 2 weeks on, one week off – still on that schedule to this date

September, 2011

Took Ian to Wonders & Worries

October, 2011

PET scan showed “NED” no evidence of disease

Had my first blood transfusion

November, 2011

Had my final round of “full out chemo” and started on my trial drug only

December, 2011 – August, 2012

Received trial drug infusion 2 times a weeks

August, 2012

Had a small seizure, MRI revealed a mass in my brain

September, 2012

Had brain surgery to remove the tumor

October, 2012

Had radiation

November, 2012

Put in hospital for steroid psychosis for 3 days

Found out the mass was growing again in the same spot – just on top of the scar tissue

December, 2012

2^nd brain surgery to remove growing mass

Went back to hospital because I couldn’t walk – both legs were numb verses just my right leg which  went numb after the 2^nd surgery

Was using walker to walk

Was able to use just my cane on Christmas Day – a Christmas miracle

January, 2013

I started driving in the church parking lot to practice

Mom left

Eric’s parents came

February, 2013

MRI showed changes – good changes – healing changes

I started to walk without a cane or a foot brace after starting a new physical therapy place

I took my first shower by myself after we got a new lower shower pan

Eric’s parents left

MRI – still showing changes – Dr H talked to my “neuro team” and decided I need an MRI every 4 weeks to keep a close watch on everything

March, 2013

I walked around the block by myself!

Next week I have an MRI and PET scan

 

Reading it like this makes it seem so real – crazy real. I read it like I would read something someone else wrote. In a weird way, I stay detached when I write a list of events like this – this is my list of what has happened and that is all…a list of events.  But then in the same breath I look at this and think HOLY SH*T -  that is a lot that has happened – for a lifetime much less in 2 years.

Please continue to pray for my health – for all the tests to come back NED, for feeling to return to my right side and energy.

Please pray for my family – this has not been an easy journey for anyone

Now verses then...

Eric and I were talking about where I am now verses 3 months ago right after the 2^nd surgery – wow, what a difference.

Since the 2^nd surgery (calling it a brain surgery and the thought of my head being cut open and parts of my brain being cut out still really freaks me out…really) my life has – our lives have changed multiple times – I think what has happened isn’t even called change – I don’t know what it is called…maybe we are just continuing to grow and accept it all and just let it flow.

I have gone from using a walker to a cane to walking on my own. I have a video and will figure out how to load it this week!

I continue to pray that the full feeling comes back to my right side again. 

I was never grateful enough for both legs and feet having full feeling…it was one of those things I never thought it – I assumed it was there – now and forever.

I am now working on walking in crowds. The stop, go, dodge, step side to side really throws me. I get nervous, flustered with myself and the surroundings – I am afraid of falling.

It is like I am learning to walk all over again – I mean, I am. But this time around I am much higher off the ground and a fall would hurt much worse…and I am well aware of it. I guess it is a good thing that we are so young and “bounce able” when we learn to walk.

I saw Dr. H  yesterday – I love seeing her. We went over my last MRI and she said it isn’t as grey as I had thought. She talked to the “team” she confers with on my case…it still seems to intrigue them and they all love seeing the MRI results.

The results: yes there is still grey matter (well beside my brain) and the spot where the cancer was is still different from the rest of my brain but it looks more like scare tissue now.  She showed us this MRI verses one in Dec and it is amazing how different it looks. It is like the brain that was removed and the scare tissue filling in the “hole” is molding to my brain and just forming around it.  Seeing all this makes my belief in God that much more – I mean the thought of these amazing things taking place, my brain knowing what to do to heal itself – it is a miracle and so amazing to even thing about.

This is where everyone thought I was going to be soon after the first go around…well, we all know how that turned out!!

I am feeling more and more like myself daily and I thank God all the time for it.