Dear my sweet Ian:

You are now 4.5 years old, and you are changing a little more every day. You are no longer anywhere close to a toddler or even a pre-schooler – you are a true little boy.

You have a heart of gold. It that makes my heart smile anytime I think about you. You are such a sweet person to everyone – all your friends, your family and especially me and daddy.  You are still extremely empathic and if someone gets hurt, you are the first responder.  Other mommies tell me all the time what a sweet soul you are. You also are a big rule follower, so if something isn’t going according to the rules – anyone’s rule…yours, mine, your teacher’s, other mommy’s…you are the first to stop following the group and come to tell an adult. I love that about you – you truly do know the difference between right and wrong.

You are starting to ask me questions about God. Our most recent conversation went: “Mommy is anything bigger than the universe?” “Yes, God is bigger than the universe because He made it.” “So, God is the universe.” “Well, yes…yes He is.”

You are trying to wrap your head around the “bigness” of God and forever.  I absolutely love to see your mind work and God’s hands on your heart. You really are able to turn something complex into an easy way to look at it.

You are really starting to like play video games.  You wanted to buy Skylanders, so I made a deal with you – sell your train table and tool bench to get the money to buy Skylanders.  Now, you are all about your collection of them.  You finally broke down and used all your allowance to buy some more – you had been saving your allowance forever and never wanted to spend it on anything – until Skylanders.  You sit and look at the box and poster of them all forever and dream about collecting all of them. It is so fun to see you really get into something – this is all yours. 

You are a brilliant puzzle solver. There are some puzzle games I simply can’t play with you because I can’t do them and you blow through them.  Your mind 100% works likes daddy – there is an engineer in there somewhere…although you tell me you want to be pilot – I guess that is engineer like?!?

You are VERY consistent with your daily schedule and if a wrench gets thrown in, you don’t really do well! You like everything to be just so and to know exactly what is coming – again, all your daddy! J We write everything down on your calendar and you study it to know what is coming up and how long it will be until we do something.

I do see a lot of me in you too…your sense of humor, your dance moves…yes, you bust into spontaneous dance like I do – now you ask daddy to dance with you and I judge your dance off, you talk with your hands, when you want something we both know you shouldn’t have you give me this sly little smile and bat your eyes at me…you usually get it! You don’t like “usual” breakfast food – just like me!  You prefer a string cheese and salt & pepper pistachios.  You love to be covered up with quilts; you love snuggers and me laying in bed with you – in my pjs too!

You really are the light of my life.  I love you so very much.
Love,
Mommy

Thwack…

Into my wall I went last night.  It has been a long time since I needed to go lay down at 6:30 and stay in bed for the night.  Granted Eric and I watched some TV and I didn’t go to sleep until 10:00, but I was exhausted last night.  It is times like that that I am reminded I am still in treatment, my body still gets worn down easily and I need to listen to it and know when to say enough – I am done…so that is what I did last night.  I SO wanted to get a canvas done to deliver today, but I just couldn’t…oh well, there is today!

And I think it had to do with nerves…just when I get used to not going to treatments, my start of the next two week cycle rolls around and the Thursday night before, I am always a nervous wreck…I have no idea why.

I have to remember to be gentle with my body – it is going through a lot and it does take good care of me.

We are going to Fort Worth this weekend to hang out with the family – I am really looking forward to it!  I think Ian can’t see straight he is so excited about it! I love seeing him with his cousins…it brings pure joy to my heart!

Y’all have a good weekend.

So today is HUGE day for…it is something I have been praying about, dreaming about and working really hard lately to get going. 

Embracing Life, Love & Art – my new blog and Etsy story.

I have started many ventures in the past that didn’t ever take off because there never felt right.  This feels more than right, and I am pretty sure the reason behind that is God.  He has been whispering to my heart for some time now, and I finally learned to listen and respond.  This whole thing has come together so easily, I have to believe it Him using me to do this…it has been an organized process and for those who know me, know I am far from organized!

I will still post on this blog about life as a NED person (!!), and family and such.  Please visit both blogs as they will have different things.

SO, without further adieu, welcome to Embracing Life, Love& Art.  Visit the blog for your chance to win a free custom canvas.

Crystal clear…

Thank you God for another crystal clear CT scan this time around and always.

I had a CT scan on Thursday and whoop whoop – I am still NED!!

I try so hard not to stress over these scans, but little thoughts always seem to seep into my mind.  I pray hard for God to change my heart to let me let Him 100% handle…silly mind wants to take over.

We had an AWESOME spring break this past week.  Eric’s parents have been in town, so Ian has been in real vacation mode!

We went to Sea World on Wednesday and had a fabulous time.  It was overcast and little misty in the morning, so I think that kept the big crowds away. Ian was tall enough to ride some rides and he loved it!  Eric and I even rode the Steel Eel and The Great White…I haven’t ridden a rollercoaster since Ian was born.  I loved the Steel Eel…the Great White kind of sent me over the edge…all the loops and turns.  I needed some dip n dots to settle my stomach!  I did good on my eating while there – had a salad for lunch and splurged on dip n dots – which Ian and Eric ate at least half of, so I didn't feel that bad!

Thursday while I was at my scan, Oma and Grandpa took Ian to see the Lorax in 3^rd – he loved it.  Here is a video of him telling Eric about it!

Friday night Eric and I had a date night.  I even had my yearly glass of wine…OH MY, it was so good and it got me “drunk”…I really don’t miss being feeling tipsy.  I do miss the taste of wine though…oh well.

Saturday Ian had his first soccer practice and meet and greet - it was so fun to see all them run around, kick the ball and just be a team.  I can't wait until the first game!

Saturday we went to the fair.  It was a blast.  My eyes were a little bigger than my stomach when we bought wrist bands for the rides.  After two twisty rides with Ian, my stomach couldn’t take anymore.  Eric peeled my band off and put it on – yes, breaking the law!

We totally ate like crap and I felt horrible after it – my body is not used to that much junk. 

It was odd - this time last year when we went to the fair, I had just had my lung biopsy and was told it was cancer...this year I was just told I am still NED...life always keeps moving.

12 on 12

On a blog I follow, she suggested to take 12 pictures on March 12th.  I thought it would be fun to do.

Going clockwise:
Girl painting
Love painting
SkyLanders
Fun stuff from craft store!

 Waking up is hard
Basket full of balloons
Playing with balloons
Playing with balloons

Skylanders (yes, story of our life right now)
Getting ready to go to treatment
Quinoa salad at treatment
Ian painting with me

FAQs

People seem to ask me the same questions about this, so I thought I would answer them here – in case others want to know also…I have no idea what y’all want to know!!

Weight loss and food:

How much weight have you lost? Was it from chemo? Are you still trying to lose weight?

And yes, all three usually come out in one question…right in a row!

Since the beginning of last year, I have lost almost 37 pounds – YIKES…I knew I had gotten a chunky, but I sure didn’t think I had THAT much to lose! Sure enough I did.

No…chemo really isn’t a good diet aide…I wouldn’t recommend it for you if you are trying to lose weight! It makes you feel like you a pregnant and want to eat all carbs and junk food – not good for losing weight.

Not per-say – I think I still have about 10 pounds to lose around the belly…they say belly fat ups your chances of cancer, so I am trying to rid of it all just for health reasons.

What do you eat?

I would say I follow a low GI diet 95% of the time – that means no refined sugar and low carb.  I usually stay away from processed food as well.  Sometimes I splurge on a cupcake or something like that.  I usually feel like crap though after I eat it from the sugar spike and crash.

Chicken/eggs are organic.

Fruits/Veggies are organic.

Milk/cheese organic

For breakfast I make a smoothie.  I use a vitamix which in my opinion is a life changing blender – and YES, they do have infomercials for a vitamix!!

The latest and greatest smoothie recipe is:
Roasted beet – not sure how much I put in.  I roast 2 – 4 beets at a time and use a few chunks
BIG handful of spinach
2 tbls of flaxseeds
Coconut milk
4-5 strawberries…with stems..on Vitamix infomercial they talk about all the nutrients in the stems!
PITTED dates (very important that they are pitted)
Banana
Water and ice
Chocolate protein powder

I think it is yummy – Eric and Ian aren’t really on board with it.

If I don’t want a smoothie, I make 2 eggs and piece of sprouted toast.

Lunch is usually a salad.  I use Mrs Braggs organic/preservative free dressing – yummy!!  I have tried to make my own dressing, it just doesn’t turn out good every time so I use this instead.

Salad: lettuce, feta, tomatoes, cucumbers, sunflower seeds and dressing

Snacks – nuts, cheese, natural peanut butter & celery

Dinner – I usually cook a few dishes we eat on a regular basis:

Ground turkey meat, steamed broccoli or roasted cauliflower and red sauce – add red pepper flakes and parm cheese

Chicken stir fry with lots of veggies – no rice

Bean soup – I make a big pot on weekend and we munch on all week. If you want recipe, let me know.

Naan bread pizzas – load it with veggies

I want to start doing more fish dishes.

We eat the same things pretty much over and over again – it makes it easier on me and we seem to do better with fewer choices.

Do you think your diet made a difference in your treatment?

I think so. Do I think my diet made my cancer go away – no. I think it made a huge difference in my overall health – being chunky isn’t healthy – eating cr*p food isn’t healthy.

Are you exercising again?

Yes, I do the elliptical at least 4 times a week and watch trashy TV while doing it!  I have been doing zumba once a week and just started strength training and yoga. I want to run again, but it would totally wipe me out at this point, so I am happy with what I am able to do.

Do you think it was any one thing that has made you NED?

Yes, I think God has had His hands all over me and has guided all the decisions and the medicines.  I gave this over to Him (not  at first, I tried to hold on to it and control it, then I knew I couldn’t and told Him, here it is for you to deal with) and as soon as I washed my hands of it was when I was told I was NED.

What does NED mean?

No Evidence of Disease…means they see NOTHING on the scans.  Best possible words a cancer patient can hear!

Will you be on your treatment forever? Is going two times a week a pain?

I am not sure if I will be on the parp forever…they might find newer better drug, they might not, but I honestly don’t worry about it.  I am on the parp now, it is working like a charm and I will be grateful for it and keep on with it!

Of course it is a pain, BUT Eric and I look at this like “my job.” There are other activities I would rather be doing, BUT this activity is keeping me healthy and cancer-free so in the grand scheme of things, there is really nothing else that I would replace this with.

How do you stay so positive?
I don’t see any other way to be.  It is what it is, I know there is nothing I can do besides what I am doing, so what good is it going to do me, Eric or Ian for me to mope around and be p*ssed off? 

And more so, I feel God gives me the grace to get through all my days – some days require more and some less…but He gives me the amount I need.

I hope these answers help someone out there – I wish no one out there was having to go through cancer, but I know that isn’t the case, so I hope I can help someone with this.

One year ago…

I got the call that I will never forget. “Renee, Dr H. wants to see you today – there is something showing up on your CT scan.”
My world…our world promptly started spinning out of control.
I had no idea what was in store for me, I had no idea what the next weeks would hold, much less the next whole year…but, here we are, one year later and now I know:

I know I can do this – I can and will fight for my life with every ounce of my being.

I know how truly blessed I am – my friends and family totally railed around us, put up a protective barrier and took care of us…they took care of me when I was sure I couldn’t do chemo anymore, when I was sure my Lexapro was not working just right, when I had nothing left to give them – they took care of me.

I know what an amazing husband I have…I knew this before, but now I KNOW it! He has been my rock in so many ways. He never once asked more of me than what I was able to give – heck, he never even ask anything from me.

I know that Ian’s smiles, hugs and kisses…his presence can cure a lot of pain and heartache without him even realizing what he is doing.

I know that miracles do happen…I am one.

I know that God has me covered in love and is with me every single step of the way – with or without cancer.

I know now what true inner peace feels like and I know God gives me that inner peace.

I know now what truly turning something over to God is like and how to 100% depend on Him.

I know now that I am extremely grateful for being able to fold clothes, unload the dishwasher, do routine chores….it is a HUGE blessing to feel like doing that stuff….both physically and mentally.

I know now to tell everyone in my life what they mean to me, how much I love them, etc all the time…if I want to hear it from them then they want to hear it from me.

I know I do like having hair verses not – I LOVE IT!

I know that I don’t want to see what it would grow in like a 3rd time.

I know painting fills my soul with goodness.

I know that I can honestly say, stage IV, smage IV…I’ve got this.

I can’t wait to see what the next year has in store for us and what another year full of blessing will teach me.

Cheers...where everybody knows your name

I don’t necessarily want to go, but I do feel like with all my treatment appointments, visiting my doctor, her nurses, the receptionist, the schedulers – I know everyone there and surprisingly enough, they all know my name too – I guess not surprising…I am there twice a week.


Eric went with me Friday for a bit. He was feeling guilty for not being able to come more often, but I tell him all the time that I am good to go, they all take great care of me and it is like Cheers in there – we all know each other’s stories and they will always give you the good stuff!

When Dr. H walked in the room, I was in the middle of explaining to Eric why I need this exercise product I found at a store, then looked up a demo on QVC – yes, it is true, I LOVE infomercials! I love how they make any and everything look possible and SO easily! And for the record, I have never actually bought anything off of QVC! SO, Dr. H walks in while this is going on and I explain to her my love of infomercials – hey, she already really knows me – it is okay if she thinks I am a little weird too! She then tells us of their (her husband is an oncologist too) exercise dilemmas – I love how real she is.

I got the green light to model in Art Bra – check it out, it is a super great event. Whoop! Whoop! I am so excited. I am going to start working on my art bra today!!

Eric asked her about a different trial that is out there for a cancer vaccine – yes, people they have many different cancer vaccines that are looking VERY promising. But, this one isn’t a total fit for me, which I am 100% fine with. It was a blind trial anyway and I don’t think I could do that and my current parp – I will keep that parp until they kick me off of it!

We went back to the chemo room, got settled in, said my rounds of hi’s when Eric told me it really was like Cheers in there – ha, I told him!

Other than that, it was same ole same ole – hung out, talked to Eric until he had to leave, ate a huge salad, read some, listened to music and looked around on pinterest…oh, the joys of modern technology!