Man alive….

Is all I can say about these past few days. I have had a lot going on and am kind of struggling to keep my head above water – now I am writing this with the music of a wonderful whine in the background, so that is on my list of struggles!

I thought going through chemo, surgery, radiation was hard, I had NO idea what was on the other side of the door for me! I am half way kidding – I am not going to lie, this past week has been HARD. I have wondered several times, was I physically ready for this, was I mentally ready for this, is Ian ever going to stop whining (probably not for a long time!), am I really cut out to be a stay at home mom??? Now stick with me here, I am going to ramble for a bit – I know I am capable of this new role in my life although it technically isn’t new – I have been a mom since Ian was born, but the part of him depending on me for everything – kissing him when he is hurt, getting him breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks, entertaining him all day long, teaching him (and this part scares me the most – I am so afraid I am not going to teach him what he needs to know and will some how be behind when he goes to school – yes, I do realize I am hard on myself) but I do things like that, I want to research the teaching him part and have a plan but sometimes (most of the time) I put more time into the research and make plan part than I do the actual doing it part (not with Ian, with so many other things in my life…like running, I can tell you how to only increase mileage so much a week, intervals, hills, etc all to train to run faster, but have I actually done it – no), anyway, I digress – I am scared of messing Ian up in some way – WHY do I feel like this, I don’t know?? I want everything for him in life and I don’t want to be the reason he didn’t/doesn’t get to do something because I didn’t teach him it – does that make any sense or am I totally crazy? I might be crazy but that is what is going through my mind.

So with all this added stress in my life, Eric has found me on the couch the past two nights after Ian is in bed eating a bag of chips (last night) and way too many cookies (the night before). Now, I know for him to say anything to me about what I am eating means that he was really worried about me – he gently asked if I was okay because me laying there like that eating that shit was totally against all my new goals – getting sugar out of the ole diet, start training with a trainer to build muscle (yes, I am at a lovely 35% body fat), and to be generally healthy, so when he asked me this I was at first p*ssed – how dare him ask me that when he has no idea what I feel like then I soon talked with him and realized, I was totally comfort eating because 1) I am freaking hungry all day – hungry like I was hungry when I was breast feeding 2) I don’t feel like I get a chance to eat because Ian wants to eat what I am eating 3) I don’t eat shit in front of Ian because, well, I don’t want him eating it.

I am not sure where I am going with this and I don’t know how to sum it all and tie it together other than, I am tired, I am hungry, I have too much body fat on me BUT reading back through all this b*tching and moaning…I am happy. I love being able to kiss all of Ian’s hurts away, watch him splash for hours in the pool, tell him to give people a beep and he does it and laughs and knowing he knows he can depend of me for all his needs and wants.

Our Happy Guy!

Things are going great around here. Ian is happy 99% of the time and I will take it! I have started "training" him not to whine and to my surprise it is working - he is now saying ma ma, da da, all the time but hey, that is better than the whine.

He will start staying home with me this coming Monday and I am so excited.

Let's see, what else is going on - we are getting our house painted - yippee! No more blue house. I am trying to get my cr*p together to start putting on card classes and a father's day workshop - stay tuned for details.

Eric ripped out the bathtub in Ian's bathroom because we were having plumbing issues and the type of tub it was we either had to take it out or cut the wall in the craft - I opted for taking the tub out and putting in a nice DEEP one!! I can't wait to take a bath in it.

Ian is talking up a storm and is so funny to listen to jibber jabber all the time. He is kind of learning to share - and I use the word share VERY losely - some days he is interested in it other days - no thank you!

All in all, life is great around here - a little crazy but really, would we have it any other way??

The calm before the storm

No, not really! I am so ready for Ian to start staying home with me. I am in the process of lining up activities to do and I think we might be busier with me staying home then working...and I can't wait!

I am done freaking out about lunch on Friday and have again come to peace with the decisions I made. I am however going to a dermitolist (as soon as I get an appointment) because I have a couple of spots on my arms that look weird to me and I read there is a link between skin and breast cancer – oh, the drama of it all!

Oh and some more exciting news, my friend Traci (well, I have never met her before but she designed another blog for me (that is a new project I am working on - I will let you all know the site in about a week when it is offically ready!!) BUT Traci and I talked on the phone several times during that design and we really clicked, ANYWHO, she told me she is going to re-do this blog for me for its new look from cancer fightin' to family blog - yippie, I can't wait!!) Check her stuff out - http://sweetcheekydesigns.blogspot.com/
SO CUTE and I can't wait for my update!!

Ian is really starting to get his own personality and he is SO funny. He loves to make us laugh and to wear my glasses – even my real glasses which is not a good thing…that is one battle I will fight – no playing with my real glasses!
He is turning into a chatter box and I am TRYING to enforce the new rule – no whining, talking only – Ian is still winning that battle though.










Lake trip with the Schwagers - yes, you see those rain clouds - NOT A GOOD IDEA to go out on the lake with clouds like that! We ended up in the middle of pretty bad storm, but the kiddos were unfazed by it. We had them wrapped in towels and were holding them tight - Ian even managed to fall asleep.

WHAT THE F(*)#(*)CK????????????????

Was all that was running through my head when I left lunch this afternoon. I went to a group lunch with breast cancer survivors and a new person joined so we went around and told “our story” and it came up that one lady was who triple negative (same as me), went through chemo, lumpectomy and radiation (same as me) had a reaccurance of cancer in the same spot. All that was running through my head was, what the F*@#^#$%CK would I do with Ian if I got cancer again, why didn’t I just cut them off and call it good????

I left lunch in a panic, called mom – no answer and called Marci – no answer, but she called me right back – thank goodness she was there to talk me off the edge of calling Hellerstadt and scheduling a double right then and there. She reminded me of why I choose to keep the girls – I want to breast feed #2 and that is not an easy surgery (contrary to what I have in my head about it) AND I was at peace with my decision, a decision Eric and I looked at every possible angle of before making and that her story wasn’t my story but I must admit, this was the first panic I have been in since all this sh*t has started. As you can tell, I am still a little worked up about it. And like Marci told me, I can’t leave by what if’s – what if me driving and talking on the phone was a bad decision??

I guess what p*sses me off about today the most is that I thought I was totally okay with everything, that I could go on my marry little way and the “cancer bit” was behind me and blah, blah, blah but I am seeing that it is still a huge part of my life and more than likely will be forever and in a way, it should be BUT I can’t let it consume me. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to watch the Grey's from a few weeks ago and get lost in their drama.

Birthday

By definition is 1) the anniversary of a birth or 2) a day marking the beginning of something. I decided a few weeks ago that my birthday this year was/is going to be my “re-birth” and the beginning of something grand and magical (well – I will tell you what it won’t be – the beginning of me knowing how to spell – I get red lines all over my page!).
30 was a tough year for me and it was nothing as I expected it to be. I honestly thought I would be pregnant again sometime in my 30th year, I thought Eric and I would be looking at new houses for our expanding family, I thought I would be in the best shape of my life (I am not sure why I thought this being as I hadn’t even started working out or eating right), I thought I would stay at my job for years to come, I thought a lot of things that just weren’t meant to be. Instead I got cancer….but from that I now can see what that brought me, new and old friends, a new outlook on life including a new career path (what that will be exactly, I am not sure but for now, a mommy is enough for me), a stronger faith and true happiness. Odd how a year – hell, even a day will change your life.
So with this new year, I am ready to embark on a journey. I am ready to take the path less taken and soar. Someone asked me the other night – would I rather have a seat belt or wings and without thinking I said wings. Then I asked her – does that mean I am dead??? No, that wasn’t the point – would you rather always be safe and secure and not be able to go anywhere or would you rather be able to fly – I would rather fly!

Pictures

It has been a LONG time since I posted any pictures - here are some random ones

Ian's first stamping experience!

Sitting with mommy.

Climbing while making his new "smile face"

Nice new "smile face"

Front of clipboard


Personalized clipboard that I made for Ian's teachers and then ended up getting other orders from his school. Yes, I would love to receive more orders for these!!!

Diaper cake I made for Laura's shower. I am loving making diaper cakes and I received my first order for one - thanks Jenn. I will post pictures of it once I get it done!

It is the small things

In life that really make me happy these days. With me now out of work (GASP – I still get a knot in my stomach thinking that I won’t personally be bringing any money home but know what I will be doing instead is much more precious than money ( IHOPE!?!?!) – no, really, I do know this.
ANYWAY – I have really evaluated my life lately and realized that the things that do make me happy have nothing to do with money or what money can buy. My birthday is coming up and I have had several people ask me what I want for my birthday and I can’t think of one tangible item to tell them. Last year had you asked me what I wanted, I would have list of stuff that I want but this year, honestly all I want is my period to return – sorry if any boys are actually reading this – I have no idea who reads this anymore?!?! I want my energy to be back where it was a year ago, I want Ian to be happy and healthy, I want Eric to know how much I love him, I want to start showing people in my life how important they are to me without expecting anything in return and I want to start exercising again and feel that rush of accomplishment after completely a difficult class.
I started this post with completely different intentions then how that first paragraph formed – odd how that happens. So back to the small things – I have two major first yesterday that again a year ago would have seemed “normal” but yesterday there were huge for me – One, I got up around 7:20 (yes, I know this sounds late to most but I had been sleeping until 9:30 or 10 while Eric’s parents were here) and didn’t take a nap! I did lay down and read for an hour and then was done doing stuff last night around 7:30 and read until 10 but no nap – so yeah, my energy is coming back!! And two – I was able to wear a bra yesterday – HIP HIP HORRAY!!! It felt really good - the girls look much better with a little support. I am almost done peeling and decided yesterday I was done enough to wear a bra. And with that, I am thinking in about a week I should be able to wear a sports bra again and then I will be able to start working out – so I guess my birthday wishes are all coming true even before my birthday!

A Switch….

has been flipped inside of me. A week ago today was my last radiation treatment and also the last of all my treatments. It was a surreal day and has been an increasingly exciting week. If you had asked me last Friday how I felt and if I felt it was all really over, I would have said no – I still didn’t feel different, didn’t feel ready to be “normal” but WOW, what a difference a week has made. Today, I feel ready completely different – I really do feel as if I DONE and am so ready to be normal. I am needing less sleep which is great, I am wanting to get up in the mornings, I want to be social and I am coming up with all kinds of crazy ideas for me and Ian to do when I start staying home with him – oh in 2 weeks. I decided today that I am going to give his daycare his two week notice this coming Monday and will start keeping him home with me in two weeks – oh life is changing and I couldn’t be happier about it!

Me walking through my LAST ever cancer "yeah, I am done confetti shower"

And with this, I am changing the name of my blog - to what, I am not 100% sure yet and will continue with it because I do love the writing aspect of it. I will still be 100% honest with what is going on in our lives, our happiness, our hurts, our smiles, our frowns and just life in general.

I can honestly say I am a changed person from this journey. I now see the strength in myself that others have said they have seen for a long time and you know what, it feels good to see that in myself and knowing now what I have accomplished these past 7 months, I now know I can and will accomplish so much more in my life and help others. So many people helped me during this time and I just want to be able to give back to society to continue passing on the good of human kind.
I am toying around with quite a few ideas to in regards to how I can help others, and give back – once I get them all figured (or more so then what they are now) I will let you all know! But in the mean time, thank every single one of you who read this, who has prayed for me and my family, for the support, understanding, laughter and love.