Friday, May 15, 2009

WHAT THE F(*)#(*)CK????????????????

Was all that was running through my head when I left lunch this afternoon. I went to a group lunch with breast cancer survivors and a new person joined so we went around and told “our story” and it came up that one lady was who triple negative (same as me), went through chemo, lumpectomy and radiation (same as me) had a reaccurance of cancer in the same spot. All that was running through my head was, what the F*@#^#$%CK would I do with Ian if I got cancer again, why didn’t I just cut them off and call it good????

I left lunch in a panic, called mom – no answer and called Marci – no answer, but she called me right back – thank goodness she was there to talk me off the edge of calling Hellerstadt and scheduling a double right then and there. She reminded me of why I choose to keep the girls – I want to breast feed #2 and that is not an easy surgery (contrary to what I have in my head about it) AND I was at peace with my decision, a decision Eric and I looked at every possible angle of before making and that her story wasn’t my story but I must admit, this was the first panic I have been in since all this sh*t has started. As you can tell, I am still a little worked up about it. And like Marci told me, I can’t leave by what if’s – what if me driving and talking on the phone was a bad decision??

I guess what p*sses me off about today the most is that I thought I was totally okay with everything, that I could go on my marry little way and the “cancer bit” was behind me and blah, blah, blah but I am seeing that it is still a huge part of my life and more than likely will be forever and in a way, it should be BUT I can’t let it consume me. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to watch the Grey's from a few weeks ago and get lost in their drama.
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