Friday, May 29, 2009

Man alive….

Is all I can say about these past few days. I have had a lot going on and am kind of struggling to keep my head above water – now I am writing this with the music of a wonderful whine in the background, so that is on my list of struggles!

I thought going through chemo, surgery, radiation was hard, I had NO idea what was on the other side of the door for me! I am half way kidding – I am not going to lie, this past week has been HARD. I have wondered several times, was I physically ready for this, was I mentally ready for this, is Ian ever going to stop whining (probably not for a long time!), am I really cut out to be a stay at home mom??? Now stick with me here, I am going to ramble for a bit – I know I am capable of this new role in my life although it technically isn’t new – I have been a mom since Ian was born, but the part of him depending on me for everything – kissing him when he is hurt, getting him breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks, entertaining him all day long, teaching him (and this part scares me the most – I am so afraid I am not going to teach him what he needs to know and will some how be behind when he goes to school – yes, I do realize I am hard on myself) but I do things like that, I want to research the teaching him part and have a plan but sometimes (most of the time) I put more time into the research and make plan part than I do the actual doing it part (not with Ian, with so many other things in my life…like running, I can tell you how to only increase mileage so much a week, intervals, hills, etc all to train to run faster, but have I actually done it – no), anyway, I digress – I am scared of messing Ian up in some way – WHY do I feel like this, I don’t know?? I want everything for him in life and I don’t want to be the reason he didn’t/doesn’t get to do something because I didn’t teach him it – does that make any sense or am I totally crazy? I might be crazy but that is what is going through my mind.

So with all this added stress in my life, Eric has found me on the couch the past two nights after Ian is in bed eating a bag of chips (last night) and way too many cookies (the night before). Now, I know for him to say anything to me about what I am eating means that he was really worried about me – he gently asked if I was okay because me laying there like that eating that shit was totally against all my new goals – getting sugar out of the ole diet, start training with a trainer to build muscle (yes, I am at a lovely 35% body fat), and to be generally healthy, so when he asked me this I was at first p*ssed – how dare him ask me that when he has no idea what I feel like then I soon talked with him and realized, I was totally comfort eating because 1) I am freaking hungry all day – hungry like I was hungry when I was breast feeding 2) I don’t feel like I get a chance to eat because Ian wants to eat what I am eating 3) I don’t eat shit in front of Ian because, well, I don’t want him eating it.

I am not sure where I am going with this and I don’t know how to sum it all and tie it together other than, I am tired, I am hungry, I have too much body fat on me BUT reading back through all this b*tching and moaning…I am happy. I love being able to kiss all of Ian’s hurts away, watch him splash for hours in the pool, tell him to give people a beep and he does it and laughs and knowing he knows he can depend of me for all his needs and wants.
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