Just Breathe

Just breath.

It was all I could tell myself while sitting waiting to be called back to meet my new oncologist.

A month ago I didn’t even know what an oncologist was.

Now I have one.

I sat there looking at the “cliental” I felt like a purple alien.

I felt that people wouldn’t look at me – maybe they knew something I didn’t. 

Maybe they were afraid I was there by myself and I would leach on to them to hold me up?

Maybe my imagination really gets away from me?

I am sure pretty sure no one really cared that I was sitting there, but I felt like people were asking themselves, “is she waiting for her mom?”

Nope! Here for me, please look away, there is nothing to see here is what I wanted to shout out in the waiting room.

I didn’t.

I didn’t say anything out loud.

I said a lot of prayers in my head, but no spoken words.

A few people walk in for a class. I think it is a class on chemo, but I am not 100% sure as I am sure this is a class I have to look forward to.

After filling out yet more paper work, I try to read a book. That didn’t get me too far as I reread the same paragraph for at least 5 times and still had no idea what I just read.

Renee Sendelbach, I heard.

Oh wow, she got the last name correct is what I think on my back. I let the front desk know that Eric is on his way and to please let him back.

I had to get my height and weight again.  I really don’t know why they won’t take my word for this!?!

So, there I was sitting in a room waiting for someone – Eric, the doctor, the nurse, someone to come in and tell me it is time to wake up and go home.

The bad dream is over and I handled it all pretty well.

No one came in to tell me that.

This is it.  I have started on the book! I am only about up to my 8th chemo and anyone who knows my full story knows that  there is A LOT more to tell.
I honestly hoping someone sees this and contacts me and tells me they have to publish it...a girl can dream right?!?!
Honestly I am doing this for 2 reasons: to get it out of me and more so to help others. I don't know exactly how it will help them, but I pray it does.
If you feel so inclined to help me, please share with anyone you think this can help.
I will still current stuff to but I just need to be held liable to someone.

The Ribbon

a twirling ribbon

dances in the sky

taken up by

a gust of wind –

not to make anyone sad for losing it

but to make everyone around

stop

what they are doing

take notice

it looks as if

God is

playing with us from the sky

we are His young children

being entertained

by this ribbon

that dances in the sky

so delicately

it does a loop-de-lo

I hold my breath

not knowing

if it will make all the way around

but it does

it makes it around

only to go on

and preform

a back and forth dance

with the breeze

with God

it creates big beautiful waves

riding on the air

like a skilled surfer

dancing on the waves

I couldn’t help

but fell the wonder build

dreaming

of what it will do next

I can’t see the air

making this ribbon dance

but

I am fully aware

of the light cool breeze

it blows on my face

through the otherwise warm air

then

all the sudden

all is still

the ribbon

floats back

towards the ground

With grace

With delight

it floats to me

and lands softly in my lap

I look around

to see

if anyone else is going to claim it

but it seems

it was dropped here for me

from God

as a reminder

He is always here

He is always here

My 36th year?!?!

Last year I wasn’t really sure I would live to see my 36^th birthday.

My 35^th year was full of ups and downs.

I just didn’t know…I honestly didn’t know if I had more fight in me to get me through anymore.

I was told a few days before I turned 35 that my brain tumor was back for the 3^rd time. I was just getting back to life and then there it was – again ready to try to take me down.

That tumor has been my cruise director for the past 20 months.

It has dictated what I could and couldn’t both mentally and physically.

It sided more with what I couldn’t do.

I am afraid if I list all my moments, both good and bad,  and line the lists up side by side, the down side would be much, much longer than the up side.

That is hard to stomach.

But when I do look on the good side of the list, I see many important points.

-          I am still alive asshole tumor

-          only one brain surgery!

-          can drive again

-          learning to reenter society – my society I have missed so much

-          wanting to paint and write

Yeah – just one brain operation and 3  brain radiations compared to the year before!?!?! I lost count of radiations.

It makes my heart hurt and so happy all at the same time just thinking about it.

Knowing all the pain and uncertainty this past year held for me and Eric and all our loved ones.

It was a tough year.

I feel good about this year though.

I feel more connected to my soul.

I am working on forgiveness.

Forgiveness to God, to myself, to my situation.

Through much journaling and some hard questions to my soul, I realized I was holding on to a lot of resentment. Resentment for all this that I have viewed as unfair, but I have come to realize God never promised fair.  He just promised to get me through it.

I started physical therapy this week.  I know it will get me moving which will help in the long run even though it is hard as hell right now.

Painting for the sheer joy of painting. I really like I could see light from my heart shining onto the painting.

I have fully decided and have actually started (don’t be too shocked!) to turn this blog into a book?!?!

I have been going back through all my old entries and adding more emotion and detail.  It is funny how easy I have get back to that place when I read the old entries.

And today I found out one more piece of news that has silicified the best is yet to come.

My whole body is cancer free!!!!!! A head and full body PET scan showed it…no hot spots to be found.

Thank you God.  Thank you all for all your prays, support and love.

I can’t wait to see what is next for us!

Maybe we will finally get to take that vacation?!

My color bomb

I can say it.

I can finally say it and truly mean it.

I feel it in my soul - my way down deep soul.

My way down deep soul that has been praying and dreaming about this  for so long.

I felt my soul blowing out the grey clouds that have been clinging on to me for life support the past 6 months. These grey clouds  seemed to penetrate every part of my body, but the place I felt it most was my heart.

It seemed I would see a break in the clouds for a short time, only for them to roll back in for a full on thunderstorm that would never release rain.

The threat of the storm hung in the air for everyone to fell- not just me.

My heart has been so many things but at peace these last 6 months.

I have had this unsettling turmoil swirling through my mind and body.

I imagine this turmoil to look like a child’s drawing.  A child who secretly stole a pack of crayons and colored a picture on the walls – fast and furious.  Not intending to hurt anything or anyone…he just had the urge to do it.

A picture of nothing  but messy scribbles at first glance.

A picture of chaos – like a color bomb exploded.

No matter what way I turned the picture, I couldn’t find anything in the chaos – especially beauty.

I almost gave up looking at my color bomb.

I so wanted to crumble it up and toss it in the trash can.

But just as I began to crumble it up, the color boom showed me something.

It showed me the layers and layers that I had to put into this picture to get it to look like it does.

It was a picture of my life…of all life.

It isn’t what we see on the surface that makes the picture have depth and meaning – it is all the layers dropped on each other.

This weekend was just another layer added to my picture of life.

I was a beautiful layer, full of moments I wasn’t really ever sure I would get to experience again.

I went to Ian’s soccer game and I was there. 

I was really there – in the moment, cheering the team on and enjoying the noise and chaos.  We went to an end of year party, and I was there too.  Not my shell that I have been totting around with me – It was me there. I socialized with new people, I held up my end of conversations – I was me.  The old me who I really thought had been eatin’ up by cancer and narcosis.

I painted again!

I painted from my heart. I painted from that place that makes me giddy with delight. I painted with bright colors that made my soul smile. A smile that hasn’t been seen in way too long.

This weekend made finally realize that yes my life has changed on so much since I started this cancer journey, but it is just one more layer to add to my picture.

So what if life is completely different from when didn’t have cancer.  I do have it now and always will.

I just need to always remember to look at my color bomb and find one little corner of beauty and the rest will come.

On the edge

I feel that I am on an edge.

An edge I have been on too many times. 

An edge I am all too familiar with.

An edge that is exhilarating and completely exhausting…all at the same time.

An edge I can’t seem to get away from.

An edge I have crossed too many times – both climbing over it and falling off it.

Since this thing called cancer entered my life back in 2008,  I seem to live on this edge.

It seems that I am always on one side of the edge. It is either all or nothing.

I can’t walk the middle ground.

My current edge is my health – which seems to be the theme of most of my edges the past 6 years.

Either physical or mental health, or both.

Since December of last year I have been standing on this particular edge – waiting...wishing…praying.

I just want to be on one side or the other.

I want to either feel good or feel like shit for an extended period of time. And yes I realize how weird that sounds, but this up and down cycle I continue to go through is starting to get the best of me.

I never know what is next, what the next day holds for me…will I be able to walk without a cane, will my head hurt so bad all I can do is sleep, will I be dizzy and nauseated, will I be able to drive, will I feel like talking on the phone, will I want to write or paint – what does my tomorrow hold for me?

I never know until I am there.

And all that living in moment stuff is great and all, but really, I am tired of living in the moment because for once I would like to plan out a little of my life.

We had a scheduled cruise  to leave on Easter Sunday with Eric’s family.

I was so looking forward to that cruise.

To just be.

To get out of the house and pretend I felt great.

But, we didn’t get to go.

I started having migraines again (or whatever you want to call them). 

My narcosis was swelling again.  I could barely walk. I was sleeping 15 ish hours a day. I was a mess in every possible way.

It was like it was in December when they decided it was narcosis, but this time felt more intense.  Maybe because I was already so worn down it felt more intense or maybe it actually was?

Is this my life now?

A series of cycles like this?

I don’t want to think that, but it is too hard not to.

A week of hell with mind numbing headaches, a week of getting back on my feet, a week of being on my feet, only to start the cycle all over again?

Doesn’t sound like the life I thought I had bartered with God for.

After starting back on the narcosis eating chemo, my 4^th round was just like my first. I thought my head was once again going to explode and I wasn’t sure I could handle the pain any longer. I had debilitating headaches, I couldn’t walk without help, I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t think clearly and I was falling deeper and deeper into my dark hole.  

I prayed – I prayed hard that God would get on with whatever He was going to do. If He was going to fix me I wanted Him to please do it. I was at the end of my rope and needed that fixing soon.  

I hurt more than I knew I could hurt.

The narcosis eating pain was different from the narcosis growing pain. The eating pain completely took me out.  I slept for 3 days straight only waking up a few times to eat or use the restroom.

I didn’t remember it being this bad the very first time, but Eric assured me it was.

Not only did my head, neck, shoulders, but my heart hurt.

My heart hurt because I was sure me and God had made a deal.  I promised to write more of my story to help others and He keep the pain away. That was my deal at least.

I guess looking back He never agreed to that deal.

But here I am today, 3 days out from narcosis  eating chemo #5 and feeling pretty good.  I have a headache and get queasy if I move my head too fast or am in the car.

Every day that goes by, I get further and further from the scary side of the ledge and creep closer and closer to the middle – where I pray I stay for long, long time.

cancer; breast cancer; stage 4 cancer; depression; love;