I can say it.
I can finally say it and truly mean it.
I feel it in my soul - my way down deep soul.
My way down deep soul that has been praying and dreaming about this for so long.
I felt my soul blowing out the grey clouds that have been clinging on to me for life support the past 6 months. These grey clouds seemed to penetrate every part of my body, but the place I felt it most was my heart.
It seemed I would see a break in the clouds for a short time, only for them to roll back in for a full on thunderstorm that would never release rain.
The threat of the storm hung in the air for everyone to fell- not just me.
My heart has been so many things but at peace these last 6 months.
I have had this unsettling turmoil swirling through my mind and body.
I imagine this turmoil to look like a child’s drawing. A child who secretly stole a pack of crayons and colored a picture on the walls – fast and furious. Not intending to hurt anything or anyone…he just had the urge to do it.
A picture of nothing but messy scribbles at first glance.
A picture of chaos – like a color bomb exploded.
No matter what way I turned the picture, I couldn’t find anything in the chaos – especially beauty.
I almost gave up looking at my color bomb.
I so wanted to crumble it up and toss it in the trash can.
But just as I began to crumble it up, the color boom showed me something.
It showed me the layers and layers that I had to put into this picture to get it to look like it does.
It was a picture of my life…of all life.
It isn’t what we see on the surface that makes the picture have depth and meaning – it is all the layers dropped on each other.
This weekend was just another layer added to my picture of life.
I was a beautiful layer, full of moments I wasn’t really ever sure I would get to experience again.
I went to Ian’s soccer game and I was there.
I was really there – in the moment, cheering the team on and enjoying the noise and chaos. We went to an end of year party, and I was there too. Not my shell that I have been totting around with me – It was me there. I socialized with new people, I held up my end of conversations – I was me. The old me who I really thought had been eatin’ up by cancer and narcosis.
I painted again!
I painted from my heart. I painted from that place that makes me giddy with delight. I painted with bright colors that made my soul smile. A smile that hasn’t been seen in way too long.
This weekend made finally realize that yes my life has changed on so much since I started this cancer journey, but it is just one more layer to add to my picture.
So what if life is completely different from when didn’t have cancer. I do have it now and always will.
I just need to always remember to look at my color bomb and find one little corner of beauty and the rest will come.