Monday, May 12, 2014

My color bomb

I can say it.

I can finally say it and truly mean it.

I feel it in my soul - my way down deep soul.

My way down deep soul that has been praying and dreaming about this  for so long.

I felt my soul blowing out the grey clouds that have been clinging on to me for life support the past 6 months. These grey clouds  seemed to penetrate every part of my body, but the place I felt it most was my heart.

It seemed I would see a break in the clouds for a short time, only for them to roll back in for a full on thunderstorm that would never release rain.

The threat of the storm hung in the air for everyone to fell- not just me.

My heart has been so many things but at peace these last 6 months.

I have had this unsettling turmoil swirling through my mind and body.

I imagine this turmoil to look like a child’s drawing.  A child who secretly stole a pack of crayons and colored a picture on the walls – fast and furious.  Not intending to hurt anything or anyone…he just had the urge to do it.

A picture of nothing  but messy scribbles at first glance.

A picture of chaos – like a color bomb exploded.

No matter what way I turned the picture, I couldn’t find anything in the chaos – especially beauty.

I almost gave up looking at my color bomb.

I so wanted to crumble it up and toss it in the trash can.

But just as I began to crumble it up, the color boom showed me something.

It showed me the layers and layers that I had to put into this picture to get it to look like it does.

It was a picture of my life…of all life.

It isn’t what we see on the surface that makes the picture have depth and meaning – it is all the layers dropped on each other.

This weekend was just another layer added to my picture of life.

I was a beautiful layer, full of moments I wasn’t really ever sure I would get to experience again.

I went to Ian’s soccer game and I was there. 

I was really there – in the moment, cheering the team on and enjoying the noise and chaos.  We went to an end of year party, and I was there too.  Not my shell that I have been totting around with me – It was me there. I socialized with new people, I held up my end of conversations – I was me.  The old me who I really thought had been eatin’ up by cancer and narcosis.

I painted again!

I painted from my heart. I painted from that place that makes me giddy with delight. I painted with bright colors that made my soul smile. A smile that hasn’t been seen in way too long.

This weekend made finally realize that yes my life has changed on so much since I started this cancer journey, but it is just one more layer to add to my picture.

So what if life is completely different from when didn’t have cancer.  I do have it now and always will.

I just need to always remember to look at my color bomb and find one little corner of beauty and the rest will come.
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