Thursday, May 15, 2014

My 36th year?!?!

Last year I wasn’t really sure I would live to see my 36th birthday.

My 35th year was full of ups and downs.

I just didn’t know…I honestly didn’t know if I had more fight in me to get me through anymore.

I was told a few days before I turned 35 that my brain tumor was back for the 3rd time. I was just getting back to life and then there it was – again ready to try to take me down.

That tumor has been my cruise director for the past 20 months.

It has dictated what I could and couldn’t both mentally and physically.

It sided more with what I couldn’t do.

I am afraid if I list all my moments, both good and bad,  and line the lists up side by side, the down side would be much, much longer than the up side.

That is hard to stomach.

But when I do look on the good side of the list, I see many important points.

-          I am still alive asshole tumor

-          only one brain surgery!

-          can drive again

-          learning to reenter society – my society I have missed so much

-          wanting to paint and write

Yeah – just one brain operation and 3  brain radiations compared to the year before!?!?! I lost count of radiations.

It makes my heart hurt and so happy all at the same time just thinking about it.

Knowing all the pain and uncertainty this past year held for me and Eric and all our loved ones.

It was a tough year.

I feel good about this year though.

I feel more connected to my soul.

I am working on forgiveness.

Forgiveness to God, to myself, to my situation.

Through much journaling and some hard questions to my soul, I realized I was holding on to a lot of resentment. Resentment for all this that I have viewed as unfair, but I have come to realize God never promised fair.  He just promised to get me through it.

I started physical therapy this week.  I know it will get me moving which will help in the long run even though it is hard as hell right now.

Painting for the sheer joy of painting. I really like I could see light from my heart shining onto the painting.

I have fully decided and have actually started (don’t be too shocked!) to turn this blog into a book?!?!

I have been going back through all my old entries and adding more emotion and detail.  It is funny how easy I have get back to that place when I read the old entries.

And today I found out one more piece of news that has silicified the best is yet to come.

My whole body is cancer free!!!!!! A head and full body PET scan showed it…no hot spots to be found.

Thank you God.  Thank you all for all your prays, support and love.

I can’t wait to see what is next for us!
Maybe we will finally get to take that vacation?!
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