Thursday, May 8, 2014

On the edge


I feel that I am on an edge.

An edge I have been on too many times. 

An edge I am all too familiar with.

An edge that is exhilarating and completely exhausting…all at the same time.

An edge I can’t seem to get away from.

An edge I have crossed too many times – both climbing over it and falling off it.

Since this thing called cancer entered my life back in 2008,  I seem to live on this edge.

It seems that I am always on one side of the edge. It is either all or nothing.

I can’t walk the middle ground.

My current edge is my health – which seems to be the theme of most of my edges the past 6 years.

Either physical or mental health, or both.

Since December of last year I have been standing on this particular edge – waiting...wishing…praying.

I just want to be on one side or the other.

I want to either feel good or feel like shit for an extended period of time. And yes I realize how weird that sounds, but this up and down cycle I continue to go through is starting to get the best of me.

I never know what is next, what the next day holds for me…will I be able to walk without a cane, will my head hurt so bad all I can do is sleep, will I be dizzy and nauseated, will I be able to drive, will I feel like talking on the phone, will I want to write or paint – what does my tomorrow hold for me?

I never know until I am there.

And all that living in moment stuff is great and all, but really, I am tired of living in the moment because for once I would like to plan out a little of my life.

We had a scheduled cruise  to leave on Easter Sunday with Eric’s family.

I was so looking forward to that cruise.

To just be.

To get out of the house and pretend I felt great.

But, we didn’t get to go.

I started having migraines again (or whatever you want to call them). 

My narcosis was swelling again.  I could barely walk. I was sleeping 15 ish hours a day. I was a mess in every possible way.

It was like it was in December when they decided it was narcosis, but this time felt more intense.  Maybe because I was already so worn down it felt more intense or maybe it actually was?

Is this my life now?

A series of cycles like this?

I don’t want to think that, but it is too hard not to.

A week of hell with mind numbing headaches, a week of getting back on my feet, a week of being on my feet, only to start the cycle all over again?

Doesn’t sound like the life I thought I had bartered with God for.

After starting back on the narcosis eating chemo, my 4th round was just like my first. I thought my head was once again going to explode and I wasn’t sure I could handle the pain any longer. I had debilitating headaches, I couldn’t walk without help, I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t think clearly and I was falling deeper and deeper into my dark hole.  

I prayed – I prayed hard that God would get on with whatever He was going to do. If He was going to fix me I wanted Him to please do it. I was at the end of my rope and needed that fixing soon.  

I hurt more than I knew I could hurt.

The narcosis eating pain was different from the narcosis growing pain. The eating pain completely took me out.  I slept for 3 days straight only waking up a few times to eat or use the restroom.

I didn’t remember it being this bad the very first time, but Eric assured me it was.

Not only did my head, neck, shoulders, but my heart hurt.

My heart hurt because I was sure me and God had made a deal.  I promised to write more of my story to help others and He keep the pain away. That was my deal at least.

I guess looking back He never agreed to that deal.

But here I am today, 3 days out from narcosis  eating chemo #5 and feeling pretty good.  I have a headache and get queasy if I move my head too fast or am in the car.

Every day that goes by, I get further and further from the scary side of the ledge and creep closer and closer to the middle – where I pray I stay for long, long time.

cancer; breast cancer; stage 4 cancer; depression; love;
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