Monday, April 28, 2014

Just a day

The air had been thick with heat, humidity and wonder all day. I try not to let thoughts of yesterday’s PET scan slip into my mind, but those thoughts seem to find any crack and so easily slip in and take over.

Today was scheduled as an off day – at least on the books it was.  I didn’t have treatment today but I had my scan yesterday and waiting for the results is no day at the beach.  But I guess in my world there really is never a true off day – especially for my mind.

As I sit here now, my stomach churns from the lunch I just ate with my girlfriends. It wasn’t even much food, but I don’t think it is the food making my stomach hurt.  I don’t seem to be able to eat much in one setting these days.  You would think I could lose weight eating these smaller meals – I can’t.   

My head has a slight headache from the one cocktail I nursed at lunch and from the many, many laughs I shared with my girls.  My feet and hands are already beginning to swell from the food and drink.

I often wonder why I swell so easily and if it does have anything to do with me getting cancer? I guess I will never know.

But it was worth it. 

Lunch with the girls is always worth it.

Even if I am laid up for a day or two after it from using every ounce of my energy and more. I feel like a wet rag wrung out and ran through the ringer.  You know, those ones at the self-serve carwash that will get every last drop of water out of the rag?

I needed this time with them to feel a tad normal again.  Something I have not felt in a long time and actually wondered if it was possible for me to feel again.

Lunch with them used to be at least a 2-3 times a week outing.  We would gather those of us who could go out of the 5 of us mommies and our kids and go wherever our hearts desired. We would take the kids to bounce houses, playgrounds, museums – just us and our kids.  

We felt like we could take on the world with our group.

Life seemed so simple and pure back then.

We would laugh until we cried.  We never ran out of stuff to talk about. We never thought those days would end.

The kids loved having each other to play with.  Sure we would have to break up a fight here and there, we would wipe the tears after a fall, we would carry the kids from the car after they fell asleep on the way home.

That was my life with them – with my mommy friends.

But that was then – this is now.

It is a hard realization to come to that those days are gone in so many ways.  The kids have school, others have had other babies, and I will always have on-going cancer treatment.

It may not always kick my ass like this, but it may.  Only time will tell.

I can never know how I am going to feel one day to the next.  My head might feel like a balloon about to pop from all the pressure on the inside and I sleep away 2-3 days with no recollection of what happened during those days.

Some days my head doesn’t hurt, but my heart feels like it is crumbling due to the anxiety I feel about all of this . The anxiety about my life spinning out of control and I just have to set back and watch.

Some days I feel good enough to fake it.  Fake it to myself and others that this will all be okay. I can almost fake it until I start to believe it – believe this is all one big ugly dream.

But, I always wake up.
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