Happy Anniversary?!?!

I can’t say I am one who remembers or even really talk about any of my “cancerversaries” (notice I say ies…as in too many to remember).

But today is one I couldn’t let slip by without talking about.

One year ago today, right about this time, I was being told I had a large mass in my brain.

Large as in more than 5 cm.

That yes, my cancer had once again decided to try to move to a residence in my body.

That yes I would need brain surgery.

That yes the family was coming to Austin to be here with us.

That yes once again, our sweet family was going to be rocked in ways we never knew were possible.

In one short year, I have had 3 brain surgeries, 2 brain radiations, countless doses of chemo, changed chemo drugs, been on steroids too many times and I am sure there is stuff I am forgetting – you know, the 3 brain surgeries and all.

This year tore layers off of me I didn’t know were there to be torn.

There were days I was pretty sure I would never really be cancer free.

There were days I didn’t want to try anymore.  I didn’t want to try to live this new life that had been thrown at me with no one asking me if I was ok with it – I was ready to throw in towel one way or another.

This past year has hands down been the hardest year of my life.

But I don’t want to live my life around my cancer calendar.  We have also traveled, moved into a new house, watched Ian graduate Pre-K,  walk him to and from kinder daily, be with friends and family and just enjoy life.

Some days I get all worked up about some small something – I am not eating enough veggies, the kitchen is still a mess from this morning (right now actually), I can only do one “major” activity a day without being beat down tired, I am looking into the guest room that is still piled high with moving boxes, but then I snap out of it and remember who cares – at least I don’t have another brain tumor!

First day of kindergarten

Oh my sweet little Ian.

I can’t really say little anymore because you are taller than any 6 year old I know, but you will always be my little man no matter how big or old you are.

You start kindergarten tomorrow and I must say I am more nervous than you are – or you are hiding it really well.

As far as I know, you don’t know anyone in your class because I decided to go against the grain and not put you in the bi-lingual class with all your friends.

You might not be thanking me for this for a few weeks, but I truly believe this is the best for you to just do it – jump in with both feet and not hold back.

I know you are great at making new friends. You went to karate camp all summer where you didn’t know one person at the beginning and ended up with lots friends at the end.

My sweet boy, I pray for you to be kind and compassionate to all – no matter what.  I know there will be some not so great times ahead and I pray that you listen to heart and let it guide you and not to per-pressure. 

Being liked by everyone, especially the ones who are mean to others is no way to want to go through life. 

I pray that your light shines through to all who cross your path.

I pray for you to have strength and courage in all you do.

Most of all I pray for love – for you, for your friends, teachers and all others who will get to be with you all day.

I pray yall are surrounded by and show love to all.

My sweet boy, I love you.

 

 

Whole Heart

Whole Heart

It is easy –

to say I believe

to say I love

but with my whole heart?

my whole soul?

 Isn’t that mine to keep

all for me?

   To give it away –

for free

for love?

 Have I ever loved

like that…

with my whole heart?

I know the feeling of pure love:

holding a sleeping child

holding a loved one's hand

a tight hug from a friend

a warm Wash

of Comfort

Love

Peace

settles into your heart

In that moment

you know

Pure love –

God’s love

 What if we remember

that Love

that Feeling

and love God

with that Love

love each other

with that Love?

I often pray about this kind for love - for me, for you, for all.

 



Breaking

I feel like I am breaking

Breaking from lack of control

I am not one who really gives a shit if someone does something how I think it should be done, but our home life has been so crazy these past few weeks, I think it is all catching up to me.

We have moved to our new house, but both houses are a wreck. We are having a garage sale tomorrow and anything that doesn’t go, will go straight to Goodwill – I am DONE with all this extra shit.

We are waiting for our hew countertop, so the kitchen is a complete mess.

I have been eating like crap and feel it because I can’t cook.

My painting space is in boxes and I want to cry.

I did cry – many times that past few days – from lack of control, from feeling so tired ALL the time, from it all…I cried.

Dear Ian

 

Yes, I will say this every year – I can NOT believe you are 6.

We have had a wild year around here.

We went to California – Disney Land, Lego Land and Hollywood.  I had 3 brain surgeries, big BB lived with us for about 5 months and we moved to a new house.

And through all of this, you were such a trooper. You amaze me daily with your love, kindness and ability to make us laugh.

You have had this attitude lately that I am working on showing you have to have a happy heart. Some days are better than others, but that is one of my jobs as your mommy is to show how to respect and be kind to others – even if you don’t feel like it.

Other than the tude, you are so sweet.

You started karate this summer at camp, and went in it not know anyone, but you have made lots of friends, which makes me so happy for you.

You are easy going and love to make others laugh.

You excel in math and we have math wars with each other which is always fun.

It is so much fun to watch you grow and see you are growing into.

I love you,

Mommy

I need to start practicing opening up more.  I do good sometimes at letting it all hang out, then just like a switch being turned off, my heart closes up and decides I am done being that open.

Being open is a scary place. People can attack so easily because you are letting it all hang out – which I think is a beautiful thing.

I have spent so much time building this façade that all is great with me all the time, when in reality it isn’t, but I am now realizing that it isn’t with anyone.

SO, here is me starting to really open up.  If you wish to join me, please do so.

 

What is praying to you?

Praying to me is just talking to God like I do a friend. Sometime I ask Him for help, sometimes I  just unload on Him, sometime I ask what He needs from me – just like I do a friend.

How often do you pray?

I go through cycles.  I used to only pray when shit hit the fan, but only AFTER I tried to solve it myself. Then I go through phases where I pray all the time about everything.  Then somehow I forget to do that, so I do back to the other way.

I now put a bright sticky note in random places to remind me to pray through the day – I love it like this.

Do you have a prayer time and place?

I tried this but it didn’t work.  I tried to do it first thing in the morning, but sometimes I would forget.  I tried to do it right before bed, but sometimes I feel asleep before I got it all out.

So now, I do it whenever/wherever I feel the need to talk to Him.

Do you tend to only pray when shit hits the fan?

Like I said before I used to be like this.  Of course when I was diagnosed the first time, I was on my knees all the time. Then I got better, and urge to talk went away.

Don't get me wrong, I would pray on and off, but nothing contestant.  Then another switch flipped

Now my heart tells me I need more day to day contact, so I pray throughout the day. If I see a wreck, I pray for the people involved and people there to help.  If I see a homeless person, I pray for them.  At red lights, I pray for the people around me. When someone pops into my head, I pray for them.

I like this way much better!

Please feel free to answer these questions above either here or to yourself – it might surprise you.

You are my sunshine - New Art piece

I had another commission order to do an art piece for her daughter's 1st birthday party!
She wanted the "you are my sunshine" theme.

Here is the final piece.  I LOVE it!!  I hope she does as well!

 

 

 

 

 

I can NOT wait to get moved in, get the garage set up and start painting again!