I believe

I believe God has a plan and a purpose for each and every one of us.

I believe it is up to each one of us to listen to His “instructions” “tips” “hints” – whatever you want to call them and to do something with them.

I believe He gives us all talents and projects to carry out in our life time in order to help each other, spread love, kindness, grace, hope and so much more.

I believe it is our duty, as children of God, to try to love each other as He loves us.

I believe the events in our lives are all planned out to by Him to reach a certain outcome.

I believe He is speaks directly to our hearts all the time.

I believe it is our duty to love and praise Him – to tell others the peace, love, comfort He give us.

I believe He has been putting little tid bits of information, of other people’s inspirations, other people in my life all along to help me know that what I have started painting can help people – help them love Him more, help them heal, help them embrace life, love & God.

I have found comfort and healing in painting. I have had several people ask me to do commission work – which at first I was scared and didn’t know, but decided to take a leap of faith and do it! I am going to do this – I am going to paint pictures of love and hopefully sell them too!

Yes, I will try to improve my photo skills - just not my thing...luckily it is my neighbor's thing...going to beg for help!

Trying not to dwell on it…

I don’t get why people say certain things – do they not think about whom they are talking to, the effects their words could have on a person or do they just not care?
I am still really shook up about this...more so, completely stumped and dumbfounded as to why this person would think it was ok to say this to me.

While picking Ian up at school, a lady asked me if I saw her FB post this weekend. I told her no. She said, “yeah, my old neighbor passed away from cancer…triple negative…it was super aggressive…she was scanned in December and all clear and now…”

Really??

Really??? This is what you are telling me, a stage IV triple negative person, who thinks about a clear scan one month and then not everyday…and will continue to think of it every day of my life?

I don’t get it…I would NEVER in a million years say this to anyone with ANY form of cancer. And I didn’t know the person who passed away – yes, my heart goes out to her family and children, but why in the world is someone telling me this?

I am not a confrontiall person, so of course I didn’t say anything – I should have, but I didn’t. I didn’t know what to say…I was stunned, p*ssed, hurt, sad, scared - all at once and I am still trying to let it go.

So please people, think about what you say and who you are saying it to...it does make a difference.

Pictures!!!

 A little smooch to start the trip!

 Got Ian his first of many ice creams as soon as we got on the boat

 Happy little guy

 I know, I am emberassing him all over the place

 Putt-putt - we played it A LOT

 Showing off his swimming moves

 Nightly towel animals - Ian loved them

 The beach was hands down our favorite day

 Ian out in the ocean - by himself.  He did great.

 We talked a lot about buring him in the sand before we went and we just had to do it!

 Long day - he needed some snugs and I am always there to provide

 COTTON CANDY!! GROSS!! A vendor was walking around selling it, and well, I am a sucker.

 Cozemel, Mexico

 Ian wresteling the alligator that was eating my arm.

Robo-Eric

Ian chopping and kicking the waves.

A little bit of this…a dash of that

makes up my life, and I feel truly blessed everyday for all those this and that’s.
Things are…dare I say…normal? around here lately….well, getting there.

My hair is growing back which I love. I never minded being bald, but I do enjoy having hair verses no hair! It is growing back light brown, straight, and soft with a cowlick in front. Last time it came back (yes, it is weird to me to think this is the second time in my adult life I have a whole new head of hair) it was black and curly. I have always had dark brown hair, so it being this light is taking some getting used to.

I am really able to work out again. We got an elliptical at the house and I have been doing that at least 30 daily, some days I do 45-50 minutes. I forgot how good it feels to sweat and to be sore and just feel active. I did Zumba this week and loved it. Now, don’t get me wrong – chemo didn’t give me some unexplained rhythm I wasn’t born with – I still look like a white girl with no moves, but it was a much better workout than I thought and I had a great time listening to the music and letting go.

I still need to go to bed early – not as early as I was but I am usually asleep by 9:00 (unless I drink coffee at 5:00 in the evening – no, not a good idea…even Ambein won’t put me to sleep after that!)

Pinterst: I might be one of the last people to get on the pinterest ban wagon – at first I just didn’t get it – I mean I got that it was a clausal time suck (which yes, I still believe) but I didn’t get all the great ideas that were lurking out there to be seen – now, I get it!!

But now I also feel like a loser mom – I mean, how in the world does someone make little chics out of deviled eggs, who has time to make these birthday parties seem so magical, make cake balls that look like golf balls and have all these wonderful activities planned for their children – I mean, I have one kid and can’t get all that crap done – eh, whatever – no one needs to eat that many flavors of cake balls anyway! And for the record, I really don’t feel like a loser mom – I feel like a great mom whose son knows he is loved oh so much.

I thank God daily, multiple times a day, for all the blessings in my life. I might be on maintenance forever (which honestly, I pray that I am…that way I know I am cancer free), have to go in two times a week for infusion, but honestly – it doesn’t matter – I am cancer free and have a truly blessed life from every which way.

And yes, cruise pictures/videos are coming this weekend – I don’t know why I dislike posting pictures so much…odd, I know. But I know there are a lot of people who want to see them…I will do it!!

Blank slate…

Too many days I feel like my head is a blank slate…I can be in the middle of a conversation and literally have no idea what I was just talking about, I forget simple words, if I don’t write an appointment down there is no way I will remember it – I used to be able to remember the most random appointments, certain memories are just gone – Eric will ask me if I remember something and I don’t, or I only remember little pieces of it – it is so bizarre what I do and don’t remember, how chemo brain effects me a little bit different daily.

I feel socially awkward when I am just left blank…with no idea of what was being said one second ago.

Fortunately my family and friends are awesome and let me ask them the same question multiple times – sometimes daily (or more) for a week or so until I realize we have talked about it, but then I still don’t remember the answer. Now I preface a lot of questions with, “I might have already asked you this.”

Now that I don’t look like “cancer” anymore aka, my hair is growing out past the point of, yep, she was bald as some point, and my skin isn’t grey and ashy– strangers do look at me like I might be a little bit crazy – mostly when I am ordering something or asking for help in a store because 9 times out of 10, I get to the person I need to speak with and have no idea what it is I want to order or ask about. Maybe they think I am drunk – who knows? And maybe they don’t really notice anything and it is just me thinking it is a much bigger deal than it actually is – kind of doubt it but could be?!?!

And no, I haven't forgotten to post pictures from our trip - I just haven't done it yet! :)

A bit of catch up

Wow, time really does fly when you are having fun – I guess…or I just haven’t felt like writing – maybe a little of both!


We just got back from a family trip, with jus the 3 of us. We went on a cruise to Progresso and Cozumel, Mexico. It was really great to get away and be with the 3 of us, but it was really nice coming home yesterday, getting unpacked, chopping up salad stuff for a few days and settling back into “normal.”  I will post pictures at some point next week!

Ian was ready to be home as well – it is so funny how much of me I see him and how much that it drives me crazy too! He didn’t want to do the “camp” there, aka daycare. But I totally get it; I wouldn’t want to be thrown in a room with a bunch of strangers and be expected to warm up to them and start playing within a few minutes. SO, he hung out with us the whole time…which looking back, I am glad he was with us. We all started driving each other a bit crazy by the end, but hey – that is what makes us family!

Treatment started up again today. I saw Dr. H, and asked her a few questions that I have been wondering about lately. I wanted to get more details on my latest PET scan and the details were that there aren’t ANY details to get! I asked her if my bones were still lighting up in the scan and NOPE they aren’t – for those of you who aren’t versed in “pet talk” no light up means no uptake which means no cancer! She told me I am NED NED – double NED!

I really almost feel out of my chair when she told me this. I didn’t expect to hear this absolutely great news.

I also asked her if I will stay on this parp indefinitely, and the answer is yes – well kind of. This parp is still not FDA approved, so I am still in a trial. As long as the trial people still feel like I am helping their cause, I will still get the medicine. But like she said, I couldn’t be helping their anymore than I am. She isn’t concerned that I will be kicked out and not get the parp.

I am still in awe of the miracle that has taken place within me both physically and spiritually this past year. I think about all the tiny little details that God had to line up to make this happen...and it not only happened, it happened in a HUGE way!

I will get a CT in mid March, still get my treatment every Monday & Friday and continue to carry on with life and be thankful for all the tiny little details that God doesn’t ever overlook.