Chemo chronicle 3.final

I was hoping with this being my final all out chemo, I could somehow slide through the side effects and just get on to life not on chemo – I was wrong….really, really wrong. I have pretty much been in bed since Friday when I got home from chemo and to leave yesterday to get BSI infusion.

With no appetite and feeling nauseas every time I got up, the easiest way to deal with it was to sleep…and sleep I did.

I feel better today and am praying I continue to feel better day by day.

I guess this last chemo really wanted to show me what it could do – I get it ok, you are tough and no easy thing to contend with.

I am still in a little bit of shock and disbelief that was my last chemo. Now I feel like is the time my faith has to carry me through just being on the BSI and not chemo – I know God put me in this position and I have to trust that – even though it is scary. Yes, I am scared – very scared.

Please pray for me to continue to be NED from here on out.

More News

One more answered prayer – I got a call from the trial nurse yesterday telling me that I can stay on the trial drug, the parp, without having to stay on chemo with it!!
This is what I have been praying to hear. This is a chemo free maintenance! I will still have to go get “hooked up” Monday & Friday – 2 weeks on, 1 week off, but it isn’t full out chemo!

I have to finish this current cycle of chemo – Friday, but after that, I will start just the parp.

Eric has felt this is the path for me for some time now, and I know he wants the best for me, so I am going with all his research on the subject and saying this is the path for me.

Shake it off:

We used to have a little yorkie named Missy. She never lost her puppy look and looked more like an ewalk than a yorkie. Anytime the front door was left open, she was lay in the sun until something caught her attention – then she would bark and stomp her feet until whatever it was that got her so ruffled went away. After that, she would shake it off and we would tell her, shake it off Missy girl, shake it off.

I had to shake off Friday. I had myself all worked up over what I expected to be said and my dr. opinion…which is just that – an opinion….nothing more, nothing less.

Jill texted me something great, “she doesn’t know what is going to happen, only God knows” and with that, I am going to go on being super excited that I am NED!! And I will continue going on knowing this!

I have had the thought of “what if” in my head too long and I always want to preface every conversation with, “well, nothing is certain” but I need to change that – nothing is certain – for any of us. And if I am NED for now, why not believe I can be NED forever?!?!

First time for everything

Today was the first time I can say I wasn’t happy with my doctor.
First the wonderfully great news – my PET/CT scan from Wednesday shows no evidence of metastatic disease – which is what I have been praying for all along. This is such a huge place to be and I am truly thankful for this miracle.

On the other hand, I am pissed about today – it is a hard place to be to want to be so thankful for a miracle yet pissed at my doctor.

Long story short – or as short as I can make it.

She didn’t seem at all happy about the NED report from the PET scan – first thing that I am pissed about. Then she kept saying “when” it comes back…”when” NOT “IF” but “when”, which really pisses me off because she doesn’t know for sure it is going to come back…no one does. The data might show others in my position, stage 4 triple negative, that it comes back after being in remission for some time, BUT it isn’t 100%...and that is what also pissed me off.

She wants me to do another 2 full cycles of chemo – so four more times of Friday/Monday treatments – whatever, I am fine with that. Then she said she hopes for me to be able to take a break for at least 6 months and “when” it comes back, we will do more biopsies and possibly another treatment tactic – I zoned out at this point because honestly, I didn’t want to listen to it anymore. I plan on proving her “when” thought completely wrong. Now as far as the parp being my maintenance, still nobody knows if that is possible – another thing that pissed me off. I would think the drug company of the parp would have a plan for people getting to NED and them staying on only the parp and not chemo to show what wonderful things the parp does – I guess not.

I am SO trying to get past all this, be in the moment of thankfulness of remission, get through these next four treatments and move on to something else….ugh…cancer s*cks.

Please pray for my counts to stay up during these next four treatments and for a maintenance plan to be in place at the end of these four treatments – ideally the parp.

The Power of Prayer

I can see how others who continued to work through treatment said it was easier to have something to focus on. I have been praying for a way to help others in a way that didn’t take too much energy or actually make me leave the house because I don’t have much free time in between appointments and what free time I do have, I want to spend with Eric and Ian.
The idea came to me last week…start a prayer request group for the Pink Ribbon Cowgirls. That is one thing I feel is lacking with this group – spiritual support. But I do understand why they don’t – there have to be different levels of support and their gig is getting people together to share stories, ideas, etc. But with that being said they don’t say we, the group members, can’t branch out and do things like this.

I used to think that God didn’t want to hear our small prayers – only the large ones. But over time and study, I have learned that is not the case – He wants to hear it all…even the things that seem so small to us. And I have personally learned, the more specific the prayers are the easier it is for people to pray for you. I want all the girls in the PRC to have as many prayers for them as I have had and continue to have – some of them don’t have the wonderful support system I am blessed with.

I am excited to have this to organize – it is nice to have something to do for others again.

I am going to see how this goes, get a feel for how many people get involved and the requests each week and then open it up to others. How cool would it be to have a FB page of just prayer requests? Then at anytime, people could go on there, pick a few requests and pray for them. I think it would be awesome, but right now I know I can only manage this and am thankful for this.

Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

New blood &Halloween

The blood transfusion was LONG. We got there at 9:30 and left at 4:00. Luckily I was in a private room, so we (Eric’s mom & I) hung out and watched tv (HGTV – I do get excited when I get to watch cable). They gave me some Benadryl and I passed out for about 2 hours. It was easy, but long. The million dollar question has been, “so, do you have more energy?” I would say yes – as much as I hoped it would be – maybe not, but I will take what I can get these days. We went to dinner Saturday night, I made it to Costco after church on Sunday with Eric and Ian, we went trick or treating on Monday night (even after chemo on Monday) so yes, I do have more energy. Am I ready to clean the house from top to bottom? No, but when I am ever?!?!
Halloween was a great time – I will post pictures sometime this week. Ian was Spiderman and only lasted maybe 3 minutes with his mask on – which I was fine with because he could hardly see with it on. We went trick or treating with all of our friends in the “hood” after a fun Halloween party. The kids had a blast and it was a lot of fun to see them all together. Ian did get a birdhouse for one of his treats – we are convinced the lady was cleaning out her garage. The other kids got other random treats from her house as well…very odd.

I am very much looking forward to this being an off week….I need an off week!