Holds a lot of unknowns for me – what will Dr H say about the latest CT scans, what exactly are we looking at here, can I go ahead and schedule my PET scan in 5 – 6 weeks (I REALLY hope so), can I go see a dentist (I think one of my old cavity filling is coming out), and so many more questions.
As much as I am looking forward to tomorrow to talk with Dr H, I am NOT looking forward towards chemo. This break was so needed – Marci came to visit which was such a needed blessing – she knew I needed something and as soon as I said yes, she had her airplane ticket book – she is a true blessing in my life.
This break was needed for more reasons than just breaking from chemo – I needed my heart to get back into this fight. On days I feel like crap, my mind starts in with too many questions – how long can you really keep this up, how long can you feel like crap, how long can you let Eric do so much, what would happen if you didn’t go to chemo again? But with this break, my heart can fight back to those questions…and I know this is God talking to my heart.
I am still struggling with what to eat. Meat kind of grosses me out lately, but if I am not eating meat I eat carbs and well, carbs aren’t good for me because when I eat too many of them, my left foot swells up, aka inflamed which is not good. SO I really feel like I am in between a rock and a hard place with eating – some days I really wish I could just not eat.
My hair is starting to grow again too – weird to know that I am still on chemo on have this 5 o’clock shadow again – it is soft like baby hair too.
I will report back with news after tomorrow’s appt – please pray it is what I am hoping it is.
I live with stage IV metastatic breast cancer that has caused 3 brain surgeries and leukemia that required a bone marrow transplant. . I like to write about life - and I don't hold back! My mission is to always remind myself and others anything is possible,
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Cautiously Optimistic
Those are the exact words my nurse said Dr H told her about my recent CT/Bone scans.
The CT results are REALLY great.
I do believe the results are from God and are a miracle.
But I am also like Dr H though – I am cautiously optimistic of the results since the experience last time – a great CT…2 more rounds of chemo…a PET scan that was not what any of us thought – growth of the tumors.
I am scared to get my hopes up too much, but I also want to be grateful for the blessing He has sent – it is an odd place.
Please pray that the PET results (which I won’t get for another 7 weeks – after 4 more chemo treatments) mirror the CT results.
The CT results are REALLY great.
I do believe the results are from God and are a miracle.
But I am also like Dr H though – I am cautiously optimistic of the results since the experience last time – a great CT…2 more rounds of chemo…a PET scan that was not what any of us thought – growth of the tumors.
I am scared to get my hopes up too much, but I also want to be grateful for the blessing He has sent – it is an odd place.
Please pray that the PET results (which I won’t get for another 7 weeks – after 4 more chemo treatments) mirror the CT results.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Flower Canvas - a Happy Birthday/Thank You gift
For some reason typepad isn't letting me post these pictures - I guess that makes my decision about canceling that blog easier. I think it is time to admit that L&L isn't going to be a business anytime soon and the simple fact that I can't seem to keep up with two blogs and typepad costs. Also, I know this is my personal blog, but all this stuff I make is personal and from my heart that it feels more natural to have it all on one blog.
So with all that, I made this for Holly’s birthday. She is my neighbor who took the pictures of me a few months ago and I wanted to make her something special as a thank-you as well as a birthday.
I have a whole slew of people I want to make canvases for as a thank-you gift…there have just been so many people who have/continue to help us so much.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Wonders & Worries
Well, I did it – I admitted to myself that maybe Ian needed W&W and today was the first visit. I had scheduled the first visit for a few weeks ago, then we decided to go to MI and I canceled – I almost canceled again because it is hard to admit that your child might need help – it is hard to admit that it is your situation that is causing your child to need help – it is hard to admit that this isn’t ending any time soon and if he needs an outlet now, he will surely need one more in the months to come…so, I stuck with the appointment and we went today.
Like anything new, I prep Ian with as many details as he asks for and we go from there. He was a little confused because I called it a play date, so he thought he was going to Lexi’s (our counselor) house. I tried to explain that we were going to her work but “play date” stuck in his head and he was going with that.
She was great with him from the moment we got there…she complimented him on his crocs (which is one sure fire way to his heart…odd), gave him a snack out of the snack basket (score two for Lexi), and played a game with Skittles (she had his heart). AND she told me he looked just like me, so she had my heart too since I usually only hear that he looks like Eric!
They went and played in the play room and I sat out in the waiting room and read a book.
He later told me they played a game of “what makes you….” sad, happy, angry, etc., he made a family totem pole and played. She told me he did great. I am going to call her tomorrow to get more info from her – I don’t want to talk about it with Ian right there – kind of weird to talk about him while he is right there.
I am just really happy the first visit is over, he liked her and it seems like an easy thing to do…as far as doing something like this goes.
Like anything new, I prep Ian with as many details as he asks for and we go from there. He was a little confused because I called it a play date, so he thought he was going to Lexi’s (our counselor) house. I tried to explain that we were going to her work but “play date” stuck in his head and he was going with that.
She was great with him from the moment we got there…she complimented him on his crocs (which is one sure fire way to his heart…odd), gave him a snack out of the snack basket (score two for Lexi), and played a game with Skittles (she had his heart). AND she told me he looked just like me, so she had my heart too since I usually only hear that he looks like Eric!
They went and played in the play room and I sat out in the waiting room and read a book.
He later told me they played a game of “what makes you….” sad, happy, angry, etc., he made a family totem pole and played. She told me he did great. I am going to call her tomorrow to get more info from her – I don’t want to talk about it with Ian right there – kind of weird to talk about him while he is right there.
I am just really happy the first visit is over, he liked her and it seems like an easy thing to do…as far as doing something like this goes.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Chemo Chronicle 3.7 & Trip
Friday was a long day, but a good day. I changed my appointment from 9:30 to 10:30, so I could be the one to take Ian to his first day of school…which was a breeze. He didn’t mind at all and although he wouldn’t say it, I think he was a little excited to get back into a routine – yes, he is my child.
And this was my first Friday to fly solo – Eric needed to work while I was there so he could pick Ian up at 2:30. I saw Lisa, the nurse practitioner, and we just visited for a while – which is so nice. My blood counts are holding pretty steady – my hemoglobin is creeping down. She said a small tid bit about if it gets down in the 8’s we will talk about a blood infusion – it is 10.4 right now. Next Friday I will see my Dr. and also find out when my next CT scan will be – I am really hoping it is after next Fridays round.
I read most of the day while there, Eric made it up to visit me for an bit and I was finally released to leave at 4:40 – it was a long day, but I held tight to God’s plan anytime I would start getting anxious. I am trying hard to lean on God more during my difficult time instead of letting the craziness of all this get to me and beat me down. And I figured out yesterday that I would rather be there by myself and have Eric available to Ian verses sitting up there with me – both of us doing nothing and living in limbo…at least if he is at work during that time I don’t feel so guilty about all this because he can be with Ian after school.
Our trip to MI was nice – a little tiring but nice. We got home late Wednesday night and spent Thursday trying to get back in the swing of things around here – trying.
Ian had a fabulous time with his cousins – it was so cute to see them all together. He didn’t really want Hanna hugging him which is hard to explain to a 2-year old that he just isn’t a hugger and doesn’t like people in “his” space. All turned out well though.
I managed to get in a little relaxing and I followed my heart that was telling me to talk to Eric’s older sister about some stuff that has been heavy on my heart lately. She is one of the strongest people I know in her faith and I just had some questions for her about well, my faith – sometimes my lack of faith, God’s plan and how to stay strong in faith when some days it all seems to be crumbling around me. It refilled my soul to hear her say that bad things happen to good people and that this isn’t my fault – Eric tells me this but to hear it from someone else is refreshing in a way I couldn’t have imagined.
The weather was MUCH different than here in Austin – it rained, some days it was high in the low 70’s and all days I had to wear a fleece at some point – I must admit, it was nice to have a break from this crazy heat.
It was great to see everyone, but it was nice to return home too.
And this was my first Friday to fly solo – Eric needed to work while I was there so he could pick Ian up at 2:30. I saw Lisa, the nurse practitioner, and we just visited for a while – which is so nice. My blood counts are holding pretty steady – my hemoglobin is creeping down. She said a small tid bit about if it gets down in the 8’s we will talk about a blood infusion – it is 10.4 right now. Next Friday I will see my Dr. and also find out when my next CT scan will be – I am really hoping it is after next Fridays round.
I read most of the day while there, Eric made it up to visit me for an bit and I was finally released to leave at 4:40 – it was a long day, but I held tight to God’s plan anytime I would start getting anxious. I am trying hard to lean on God more during my difficult time instead of letting the craziness of all this get to me and beat me down. And I figured out yesterday that I would rather be there by myself and have Eric available to Ian verses sitting up there with me – both of us doing nothing and living in limbo…at least if he is at work during that time I don’t feel so guilty about all this because he can be with Ian after school.
Our trip to MI was nice – a little tiring but nice. We got home late Wednesday night and spent Thursday trying to get back in the swing of things around here – trying.
Ian had a fabulous time with his cousins – it was so cute to see them all together. He didn’t really want Hanna hugging him which is hard to explain to a 2-year old that he just isn’t a hugger and doesn’t like people in “his” space. All turned out well though.
I managed to get in a little relaxing and I followed my heart that was telling me to talk to Eric’s older sister about some stuff that has been heavy on my heart lately. She is one of the strongest people I know in her faith and I just had some questions for her about well, my faith – sometimes my lack of faith, God’s plan and how to stay strong in faith when some days it all seems to be crumbling around me. It refilled my soul to hear her say that bad things happen to good people and that this isn’t my fault – Eric tells me this but to hear it from someone else is refreshing in a way I couldn’t have imagined.
The weather was MUCH different than here in Austin – it rained, some days it was high in the low 70’s and all days I had to wear a fleece at some point – I must admit, it was nice to have a break from this crazy heat.
It was great to see everyone, but it was nice to return home too.
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