Friday, March 27, 2009

Bottle it up

I wish I could bottle up my happiness that I am experiencing today. I am not sure what happened between yesterday and today but something big did…I am honestly putting my money on an answered prayer.

I have been so productive today, it is amazing me. I made 14 cards – most of which are for Marci who ordered some from me – yeah for my first real order – well, she is my best friend and she would literally try to stop the world for me if I needed her to, but regardless, an order is an order!! But it was EASY and fun – something I haven’t felt in too long. I didn’t feel pressured to finish them - they were almost finishing themselves – which doesn’t make much sense to me either but I was in “that” place where magical things happen so easily. Anyway, when I noticed the happiness and ease I was feeling, I told myself to remember the feeling and when I am down to bring it out and remind me that yes, it is all going to be okay and I will get back to me someday soon. I was even dancing at the refrigerator while filling up my water glass – now; I know things are good when that happens. Water usually doesn’t equal excitement but today it did – everything equals excitement today! Today is a great day and I am grateful for every second of it.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

It’s back…

The extreme tiredness. The past few days I have litterally had to take naps because my eyes just won’t stay open. And they haven’t been small naps, I sleep for 2 to 2.5 hours. I am not sure if it is because I started going to bed a little later – a whooping 10:00 or if the treatments are really catching up with me? I just feel like I could sleep all day but then I question myself and wonder if my happy pills aren’t working the way they should or what in the hell is going on? I thought radiation was supposed to easier?!?!

So yes, I am a little down right now this morning, just thinking about being tired makes me even more tired. But, I am going over to Jessica’s house after radiation to visit and I am really looking forward to that. Just getting out of my normal routine is a great change. And I am sorry for all these complaints - I feel like all I do is complain and honestly, I don't like it.

On a completely different subject, we had a crazy hail storm at the house last night. I knew it was supposed to storm but I didn’t know they were predicting hail. Ian was quite fasinated with it all – Eric and I – not so much – it sounded like our roof got beat up pretty bad. I will get the insurance out here sometime next week to take a look at it. And our poor flowers got beaten up pretty bad also. I guess this is spring time!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Gettin’ there

I feel like when I take 3 steps forward, I get knocked 5 steps back – I woke up Tuesday barely able to talk due to allergies and/or cold and it has been lingering all week. Most days this week I have had to take a nap during the day because I am just exhausted. I don’t know if the exhaustion is from me being sick or the radiation starting to take a toll on me – whatever the case, I am tired of being tired. And it makes it even harder because I was starting to feel great again. But that gives me something to look forward to – I KNOW what it feels like again to feel good so I will take those feeling with me through the rest of radiation and know what is on the other side of it.

And as far as my “mental health” I really feel like I am getting back to myself. I at least have a desire to do stuff during the day, talk to people and accomplish activities – which that in itself might be the best feeling yet – gettin’ stuff done! It happened one day last week that I felt like a veil was lifted off of me and I was all the sudden going in the right direction.

Other than my drama, our family life has been going great. Ian is a toot and totally makes us laugh all the time. He is adding a few words to his vocab. weekly – most of which have to do with eating! He loves to help ma ma (although he calls a lot of things ma ma) in the kitchen to make smoothies and cook dinner and he loves to help da da out in the yard watering and cleaning up leaves. And would be happy as a clam if we would let him stay outside all day everyday – he loves it out there. Eric is doing well also. Work is busy but he truly enjoys what he does, so that is great.

I hope everyone is doing great. Have a wonderful weekend.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Happy Pills…

I can honestly say I am feeling better and I am even going to go out on a limb and say, I am feeling good to great today…even with the cold wet rain we are getting here today. I am not sure if it is the pills that are helping or me really, really trying hard not to feel sorry for myself (that happens so easily some times and really pisses me off). Regardless of the reason, I really don’t care, all I care about is that I feel fantastic and have my list of stuff to get done and am in the process of marking one thing off – updating the blog! Today totally reminds me of a Robert Earl Keen song – It Feels So Good Feelin’ Good Again.
And Eric has found a new nick name for me – kiwi. Nice, huh?!?! My hair is really starting to grow back and so far it looks to be the same color it was before. Maybe not as dark as it was after pregnancy and straight but it isn’t long enough to curl even if it is going to be curly. And my eyebrows and eyelashes are coming in nicely. I really wish my eyelashes would grow back and look like Ian’s – so long and lush – really it is unfair boys get those great lashes. One thing I am concerned about with all my hair growing back is that my leg hair better grow back how it was before – blond and soft. I will be pissed if it comes back and I need to shave more than once every 2 weeks – and that is on a good 2 weeks. I have always loved the fact that I can have bragging rights to that – I don’t have to shave daily – heck I don’t have to shave weekly!
Radiation is going smooth – no big news there. It is a pain to go everyday but at least it won’t last too much longer. 30 more treatments after today.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Here we go…

With radiation. Today was my 4th treatment – 4 out of 36. Yes, 36 looks daunting to me also. It has been easy thus far. I go in, put on a gown, wait for them to call me (which usually is right away), lay on the table in my own personal mold that holds me in place, they line me up, leave the room and about 3 minutes later I am done. It is all really crazy if I stop and think about it.
I have two creams that I have to put on at different times during the day and are nasty. One is extremely goopy and the other is oily. Oh, to top all that fun off, I can’t wear a bra. Thankfully, I live in Austin and that isn’t all that uncommon but honestly, I like the security of my bra. So in the meantime, I bought some soft camisoles to wear under my shirts. Not the same as a bra, but at least it is something.
And on an even brighter side of things, I think my medicine is really kicking in. I feel a little better with every passing day and my outlook is returning to one of – this is almost over and yes, I can do it! I have been walking/jogging daily which I think that in itself is one of the biggest things I can do to help myself. I feel so alive and accomplished after “running” – especially when I am sweaty – I do love to be sweaty after working out.
I will do a better job of updating the blog during the coming weeks. I know writing helps me get it all out there and sometimes, that is all I need, is to get it all out there.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Telling the truth

Why is telling the truth about something that you don’t want to face so hard to do? I guess in a way once you say it out loud to others you aren’t only telling your secret, you are also allowing yourself to know it is your truth for this time. I do realize I have been absent lately – both with my writing on my blog and in my life. I have had a rough couple of weeks and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was wrong – I had no motivation to do anything and when I say anything, I mean it. I didn’t want to make cards, I didn’t want to be creative, I didn’t want to talk to friends, I didn’t want to do anything that in my day to day life makes me happy. I had my breaking point last week when my radiation dr. told me I will need 35 sessions of radiation – seven weeks total. I couldn’t wrap my mind around 35 sessions nor could I pull myself out of the funk anymore. I felt defeated and scared and tired of all this shit. I called my dr. and she told me post chemo depression is very common and actually didn’t sound surprised by the fact I was calling. Whatever, I was surprised. I thought I had everything held together and in place but I guess looking back, it was all held together with very fragile glue. So, I was put on anti-depressants and am praying they work and work fast. Although, I do feel a lot better than I felt last week so in my mind they are already working and maybe that is all I needed – was the thought of getting better.

It is hard to explain to myself how I could let myself be depressed at this juncture of the journey. I have so much to be great full for – I AM CANCER FREE damn it but I have a lot of turmoil in me that I need to deal with and work out. I think the reality of the situation in just now hitting me, the magnitude of what I went through is now in my face verses when I was going through it – I couldn’t let it. If I let it get to me then, I would have been defeated and THAT was not an option. So, it got to me a little later but thankfully I am stronger now and not afraid to tell the truth to my dr and to myself and realize something was wrong. Now, I need to get right and get back to myself.

I start radiation tomorrow and am scared. Scared of how it will actually be. It sounds painful in a completely different way then chemo was painful and different from how surgery was painful. One - it is every flippin’ freakin’ day, Monday – Friday for seven weeks straight – the thought of that is painful. Two - what it will do to my skin sounds really painful, as in I won’t be able to wear a bra (not real sure what I am going to do with that one) and three, fatigue is more than likely going to return. I don’t want to go, but I know I must so I don’t think about it too much and just remind myself that I have done so much these past 5 months and I will continue to do what I need to do to get through this and be done with it. All I can picture is once I am done with radiation, they will stamp my chart with a big, red FREE stamp on the outside of it. Now, I am sure they don’t actually do that but it sure would be nice if they did.