Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Telling the truth

Why is telling the truth about something that you don’t want to face so hard to do? I guess in a way once you say it out loud to others you aren’t only telling your secret, you are also allowing yourself to know it is your truth for this time. I do realize I have been absent lately – both with my writing on my blog and in my life. I have had a rough couple of weeks and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was wrong – I had no motivation to do anything and when I say anything, I mean it. I didn’t want to make cards, I didn’t want to be creative, I didn’t want to talk to friends, I didn’t want to do anything that in my day to day life makes me happy. I had my breaking point last week when my radiation dr. told me I will need 35 sessions of radiation – seven weeks total. I couldn’t wrap my mind around 35 sessions nor could I pull myself out of the funk anymore. I felt defeated and scared and tired of all this shit. I called my dr. and she told me post chemo depression is very common and actually didn’t sound surprised by the fact I was calling. Whatever, I was surprised. I thought I had everything held together and in place but I guess looking back, it was all held together with very fragile glue. So, I was put on anti-depressants and am praying they work and work fast. Although, I do feel a lot better than I felt last week so in my mind they are already working and maybe that is all I needed – was the thought of getting better.

It is hard to explain to myself how I could let myself be depressed at this juncture of the journey. I have so much to be great full for – I AM CANCER FREE damn it but I have a lot of turmoil in me that I need to deal with and work out. I think the reality of the situation in just now hitting me, the magnitude of what I went through is now in my face verses when I was going through it – I couldn’t let it. If I let it get to me then, I would have been defeated and THAT was not an option. So, it got to me a little later but thankfully I am stronger now and not afraid to tell the truth to my dr and to myself and realize something was wrong. Now, I need to get right and get back to myself.

I start radiation tomorrow and am scared. Scared of how it will actually be. It sounds painful in a completely different way then chemo was painful and different from how surgery was painful. One - it is every flippin’ freakin’ day, Monday – Friday for seven weeks straight – the thought of that is painful. Two - what it will do to my skin sounds really painful, as in I won’t be able to wear a bra (not real sure what I am going to do with that one) and three, fatigue is more than likely going to return. I don’t want to go, but I know I must so I don’t think about it too much and just remind myself that I have done so much these past 5 months and I will continue to do what I need to do to get through this and be done with it. All I can picture is once I am done with radiation, they will stamp my chart with a big, red FREE stamp on the outside of it. Now, I am sure they don’t actually do that but it sure would be nice if they did.
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