My reality

 I am tired.

I am tired of being tired. 

I am tired of not knowing what the next day will bring.

This week has pretty much sucked in a way that I haven't experienced in a while and it's weird when you don't experience the suckage all the time- it's almost harder to deal with then when you experience it all the time… But I'm not asking to experience it all the time... It is just a reminder of how bad I used to feel all the time and now I only feel that bad once every few months… Which in my opinion is pretty awesome… But honestly I wish I never had to feel this bad but I will to will take what I can get.

So I still get major migraines from all the brain surgeries...some doctors think it's necrosis (swelling of the brain or scar site) some doctors think it's because my brain has been messed with so much...nobody really knows why get these migraines… And I guess it doesn't really matter because it doesn't change the fact that I get them and when I get one like I am coming off of now I am beat down:

Beat down emotionally 

Beat down physically 

Beat down in every possible way 

Monday my head started hurting, and I was more tired than usual. By Monday night, it was here: the start of the migraine.

Tuesday: I slept in until almost 11 am, got up to eat a but was still exhausted. Went to lay back down and take a migraine medicine and went back to sleep for 3 more hours...this gave me enough to make it through the afternoon when Ian got home. I slept all that night until 1030 the next morning.

Wednesday and Thursday were the same...lots of sleep.

I woke up this morning at 900, so I must be on the mend.

Going through this every few months sucks, but in a way, I am learning to embrace it.

I often forget I am still on daily chemo, it has only been 2 years since my last brain surgery... I need to remember that in some ways I am still like a toddler learning new things...and it takes it out of me. 

Survivors Guilt

If Dr. H read this, I would get a lecture at my next appointment.

Here is the real deal...I sometimes have survivors guilt.
No one has ever said to me..."well that isn't fair that you are better now and I am not," but I wonder if they feel it?

I feel it.

Especially after I read this article:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/beth-j-caldwell/why-i-organized-a-die-in_b_7055356.html

I never knew the stats before...108 people with Stage 4 breast cancer die EVERYDAY.

This is how these things affect me: I look at myself, my family & friends, all my cancer girls, my extended circles...108 a day is a ton of people.

And this makes me mad.  Mad at all the years, all the money, all the energy put into other things others than a cure!
I get it...we needed all those other things to lead up to this point, but it still stings when I look at that number...108 will die everyday. 

But then that voice creeps in and says, "oh, it still could be YOU." And it is true, it still could be.

No matter what, I firmly believe more of the raised funds MUST go to research.

I have heard great things about 
StandUp to Cancer - they deal with ALL cancer
METAvivor - they focus on Stage 4 Breast Cancer

So back to my original point...survivors guilt.  
Yes, I have it, yes it comes back when someone taken from this crap...even strangers, and it can be crippling when it is a familiar face. 

10 years later

I seriously cannot believe I am saying happy 10 year anniversary to my wonderful husband.

10 years… So much as happened in 10 years.

I went back and look through pictures of our wedding (which honestly, I do often) because so many happy memories come flooding back when I look at those pictures.

 

The place we had our wedding was a quaint bed & breakfast.

I am pretty sure they never intended to have receptions like ours turned out to be?!

I was crazy about the cake I helped design. When I try to describe it to others before the wedding they would get this terrified look on their face like what are you talking about...this is a wedding not a razee fun party. But that is where I reminded them it was going to be a crazy fun party because we were celebrating this awesome day.

We danced 

And danced

And danced!

It might be because I am 100% biased, but it was the best wedding I had ever been to and I have yet to ever be at.

It was filled with love from all who were there.

And now 10 years later, I look at Eric and all of his strength, love and devotion to me and our family and I know I am one lucky lucky girl.

Easter weekend

We did something completely new this Easter weekend...we went to the beach with FRamly (friends who are family).

We hit the road Friday, stopped at Buckey's (this mega convince store..,we had never been to one so our friends were excited to show us the ropes), and in a little over 3 hours we were pulling into the salty air.

Ian told us he loves the smell when we hit town. I love that he notices those things.

The place we stayed was awesome. It was a bit of a hike to the beach, but we drove the first day anyway because we were bringing all of our crap.

The sky was gray all day, but didn't stop any of the fun! I never got in the water, but that doesn't really mean much because I usually don't!

We had a small Easter egg hunt in the room and lounged around and had a really great time. I'm extremely grateful for the time we can spend with our friends like this.

I hope all of y'all had a very blessed Easter weekend as well.

Renee In Cancerland - my book is OUT!!!

This is NOT April fools.

I don't even know what to say I am so excited...you will rarely hear me speechless!

Here is the Amazon link for both paper back and Kindle , BUT any retailer will carry it!

http://www.amazon.com/Renee-Cancerland-Sendelbach/dp/098589475X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427832976&sr=8-1&keywords=renee+in+cancerland

After you read it, will you please leave a review on Amazon for me?

Some book signing parties are being planned, I am working on some talks and other fun things in the works I will let yall know about ASAP!

For now I ask if you have been touched by my story, or know someone who would be touched, this is a book for you.  I go back and read what I have been through and remember Miracles that have happened and the inner strength I found to keep on. 

Thank you all for reading my rambling thus far and your kind comments. 

I am so excited to what the next chapter holds for me!